Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Jay's Hillbilly Neighbor Speaks!

Hola! Did I do that right? I don’t speak Mexican and don’t think they should be allowed to in this country either. But, whatever. Anyway, this Jayman’s loud Hillbilly neighbor Shastina! Jay thought it would be great if I guest blogged for him and this Matt-Man fella.

Of course, I didn’t know what a blog was. Jay seemed kind of surprised which surprises me cause that’s more credit than I thought he gave me. Anyway, he told me there’s like a billion blogs out there and I was like “Yeah, well if one shits on my car, there’ll be nine-hundred ninety-nine million nine-hundred ninety-nine.” Then I counted on my fingers and giggled and said “Well, you know what I mean!”

Anyhoodle It’s 7 pm and I’ve only been drinking vodka since 8 this morning, so I’m not really drunk enough to be funny, but I’ll give it a try. Am I allowed to say “fuck” on here? Cause if I’m not I might not be able to artic .. arctic … hell I won’t say what I mean. Shit, I gotta go outside and have a cigarette and call my mom. I’ll be back.

Hahaha … My fucking mother is so damn funny. She was slurring all over the place. Woman is 74 years old and she can still put it away with the best of them. You better not saying anything bad about her though or I’ll fuck you up. I’m not fucking kidding. I’m not afraid to cut a fucking bitch.

I heard that Jayman thought maybe I was stealing his paper for a while. That’s pretty fucking funny. What the fuck would I do with a newspaper? I ain’t got no birdcage to line with it. I’m sure as shit not gonna fucking read it either. It’s full of all kinds of bullshit and I don’t give a damn about the news. And I definitely don’t wanna hear about our HNIC WHO-SANE Obama or whatever. Besides, I ain’t even registered to vote or nothing.

I asked Jay, who is a sweetheart, what to write about and he said anything I want. Well, shit I don’t have no idea what that might be. I’m just a simple girl from Newton County, Arkansas who likes to smoke and drink and fuck and have a good time. I’m really loud too. I should have done this in all caps so you would know I was yelling what writing this, but Jay said that was “rude.” What the fuck to I care about being rude? What’s anybody gonna do about it?

I’ll tell you about my weekend cause Jay already heard about it. He didn’t have a choice cause I was standing outside his door talking as loud as I can to my friend. I met a really hot guy on Match.com and had a great time talking to him. We were gonna fuck but we both gotta get tested first cause we ain’t been tested in a while. Once we do that, it’s fucking on bitches. So, instead we just drank all day today.

Also, this damn bitch who lives here in Redneckville better stop talking shit about me. I’m gonna fuck her up if she doesn’t. She thinks she’s so much better than me since she grew up here in the big town and I’m from the country. Well bitch, I’ll show you some of the shit I learned down on the fucking farm if you don’t shut your fucking pie hole. You ain’t no better than me you cunt.

Well, I think I’m about to pass out. What a fucking pussy I am. Only twelve straight hours of drinking and I’m done. My momma would be ashamed of me for giving in so fast. Whatever. I’m horny but can’t do nothing about cause I haven’t been tested. I asked Jay if he had been tested and he said “for what?” Hahaha … He’s so fucking cute.

Well, that’s it. I hope you like my little blog post thingy. If not, I don’t fucking care. What are you go do about it? I’ll fuck you up! You just email Jay if you have something to say to me cause I don’t do computers and shit. God bless y'all!




Mike said...

Why do I suddenly want to go hunting?

I'm With Stupid said...

She seems nice. Cheers Jayman!!


I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: Don't become the hunted.


I'm With Stupid said...

Matt-Man: She's a sweetheart.


Fortune Cookies said...

She sounds like the kind of gal I'd be great friends with. Cheers to the heavy drinking, fun loving neighbors of the world!

Jo said...

That made me laugh so hard!