Preparing for Winter Storms

Hola y’all! When this post goes live we will be just about halfway through the Great Ice Storm of Death 2013 here in Redneckville. The sleet started around 9 a.m. Thursday morning and continued throughout the day mixed with some freezing rain, drizzle and snow. Sometime in the early morning hours it should change over to snow which will fall all damn day tomorrow. I know you are worried about my well-being, but let me reassure you that so far I am fine. There’s still a long ways to go of course.

As I endure this terrible ordeal it occurred to me that maybe I should help others should they be faced with a life threatening storm too. So, here are the rules of dealing with any Great Ice Storm of Death …

Panic: It’s never too early to panic. In fact, you’re much better off panicking too early than too late. If you wait too late then you are using up the energy you’ll need to survive and that’s no good at all. By panicking early you can make a LOOOOOOOOOOONG grocery list full of stuff that is bad for you and make sure you have enough stuff for dinners to last you well into the next year. It doesn’t matter that you will probably be able to get out of the house in a couple of days. This is no time for reason.

Worry: The more you worry, the less likely it is that things will get really bad. “What will I do if the power goes out and stays out for several days?” is a very common concern. If you worry about it then you will make very elaborate plans for what to do. You will get out a sketch pad and draw up a nifty little freezer made out of the ice and snow complete with the dimensions to make sure it will be big enough. Trust me, this works.

Groceries: Even if your pantry and fridge are full you STILL need some more groceries. You need milk, bread and eggs. Scrambled eggs and toast will provide you with the protein and carbs you need to get through any crisis. While you’re there you should get some comfort food too. You’ll need something to sooth your nerves. Chocolate will do nicely. Maybe something crunchy like Doritos or Cheetos too. Oh and how ‘bout stopping by the Pizza Pizza place and picking up two pepperoni pizzas for around $10. If the power goes out you can have cold pizza for a couple of days.

Alcohol: It’s going to be cold. The power might even go out and it will be even colder! What better way to warm up than with a little nip of some bourbon or scotch or tequila or red wine? NOTHING! Also, the alcohol will help calm your nerves and allow you to deal with the storm in a much more calm and rational manner. Plus, you can get drunk and drunk dial/text/message your friends to help pass the time and avoid boredom.

You do these simple things and you will be full prepared to weather the storm and the aftermath. You can just stay in your home for several days reading, surfing the net and watching movies and football on TV. You will be far less inconvenienced than all those losers who didn’t panic, worry and plan enough. Those poor saps will be out there trying to scrape the ice off their cars then risk their lives to get to Walmart to get beer, wine and cigarettes. And maybe some milk, bread and eggs.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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@Jayman_IWS

Springfield Icon and Adored Secret Santa, Dead at Age 67

(AP) Springfield, Ohio
Chuck Abernathy, Reporter

“Words cannot express the sorrow that I feel at this moment. No amount of tears can purge my soul of the loss. Bagwine Kringle gave so much to so many, and his passing will be felt the world 'round.”

That was the comment from one, Dex Lexler.  Mr. Lexler age 51, was a close friend to Springfield, Ohio icon and self-proclaimed Santa, Harley Rusbam, also known as Bagwine Kringle, and more simply, BK.

Mr. Rubsam, 67, of 819 Cedar St., was pronounced dead yesterday at Springfield Regional Medical Center due to an accidental ingestion of fish bones.

It seems BK and a couple of his “elves”, Tina Trinity and the aforementioned Mr. Lexlar, were hurriedly wrapping Christmas presents for some of the less fortunate local kids.

While Ms. Trinity and Mr. Dexler selfishly ran next door to grab a sandwich, Bagwine Kringle the workaholic that he is, ate what he had on hand and continued the Christmas assemblage.

He was hurriedly gulping down some Salmon Fancy Feast cat food and evidently began to choke on a small bone.  When Dexlar and Trinity returned, he was lying on the floor gasping for air.

Mr. Lexlar called the paramedics while Tina attempted to ply Kringle with some Wild Irish Rose to relax his throat muscles.

She quickly found out that that was not the best idea.

He spewed out a mixture of WIR and bile that was described as, “a poorly made Sterno sauce with a stench reminiscent of Steel Reserve urine.”

Although nearing death, Bagwine Kringle was with his two best friends.

BK was with his dear friend Tina, whose street name is, “Bowling Ball.” Tina is a 48 year old prostitute with large breasts, two prosthetic legs, and a glass eye.

Her seductive wiles are legendary.  Some women can spread their legs incapably wide, but Tina, she can take hers completely off.

She is also very accommodating. If a client is feeling extremely kinky, she will pop out her glass eye, and let him give her, shall we say...a facial.

Tina is one who gives and gives, and that is why she and Bagwine Kringle were pals.

And then, there's good ol’ Dex Lexler, or “Sarge”, as BK called him.  Dex was never in the military, but BK always kidded him that he looked like the dog from Beetle Bailey.

True, the dog’s name was actually Otto, but BK was close. The two shared so many of the same traits…compassion, generosity, and cirrhosis of the liver.

They were of one mind inside of two bodies and now sadly, they are half the men they used to be…or something like that.

When paramedics arrived, BK was nearly expired. His lungs raled bilaterally, desperately gasping for air, but it was not to be.

Tina and Sarge looked down upon BK as they sobbed unrelentingly.

And then, as the medics placed him on the cart, Bagwine Kringle looked at his friends with that familiar twinkle in his one good eye, and with his final breath said...

“Don’t cry for me Sarge ‘n’ Tina.”

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_IWS
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Making Friends and Getting Feedback on Social Media

Holaaaaaaaaaaa! Well, I’m back to regular internet activities and it hasn’t taken long for things to get wild and crazy!

I will start by updating folks on my continuing experimentwith Facebook groups. I continue to join different “Let’s Be Friends” and “Add Me” groups and continue to have pretty much the same experience as I had before. I have added several new “friends” though, so that’s cool. There hasn’t been a lot of interaction with any of them, but a couple of them and I have exchanged “likes” on posts and even a couple of “pokes.” So, that’s progress, I guess.

There was one pretty funny situation in one of the groups. A lot of really hot chicks post in these groups because they want to build up thousands of “friends” and “followers” so they can then sell the account to some spammers. It’s always funny to watch lonely middle-aged men fall for this tactic. Well, one woman got tired of her man trying to get with the young babes in these groups and decided to post a warning …

She didn’t know why I found that funny. I told her I hope she could keep her man under control. She basically replied that it isn’t easy cause the women can’t resist him.

There was one other interaction with a lovely lady, or at least someone who set up an account claiming to be a very lovely lady and using someone’s pics. You can never really know, right? Anyway, she sent me a friend request and I accepted. We then had this exchange in chat …

Her: Thanks for accepting.
Me: You’re welcome! Thanks for adding me.
Her: No problem. What are you up to?
Me: Nothing much, just woke up.
Her: Oh really? Do you like to play in the mornings?
Me: Play?
Her: Yes, with me?
Me: Oh no, I gave up Facebook games. They’re a time suck.
Her: Well I was talking about sucking, but not Facebook games.
Me: Uh, okay. I think.
Her: Never mind!

And that’s when she defriended me.  

I had mixed results in another dark corner of the internet this week too. I posted a link to my review of the beautiful and vibrant cityof Omaha, Nebraska over on the r/Omaha board on Reddit. I was hoping that the good folks of Omaha would appreciate my glowing review of their wonderful city and see that I love it as much as they do. Hell, part of me hoped that they might even make me an honorary citizen.

For the most part, they did seem pretty supportive. They appreciated my description of the northern parts of the city and a couple even chuckled, possibly even guffawed, at my description of Omaha drivers. As of the writing of this post, I currently have 41 upvotes and only 14 downvotes. That’s a 75% approval rating and you really can’t ask for much more than that.

Unfortunately, a couple of folks weren’t as enthralled with me and my review as the rest and they chose to let me know about it. Here is a sampling of the negative comments…

- “What a hilariously stupid pile of shit”

- “Whodafuq is this tool and has he ever been to Omaha?”

- “I hardly think Warren Buffett is a cheap skate. Also, the writing of this kept flip-flopping between tedious and too cutesy.”

- “Nice piece on Omaha, but c'mon man...No mention of Marlin Perkins!!?” ß What an asshole, amirite?

Okay, so some of those comments hurt just a little. Maybe even a lot. But, just like with the Facebook groups I’m not gonna focus on the mean, hate-filled trolls of the world. I’m gonna focus on the positive people who enjoyed my post and find me pleasant and funny and probably want to be my friend.  

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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@Jayman_IWS