Matt Said, Jay Said LII

Jay said a few things, Matt said a few things, You weren’t there so you don’t know what was REALLY said.

Matt: Yo
Jay: What it do?
Matt: It do. It do.
Jay: True dat.
Matt: MmmHmmm
Jay: Yup
Matt: So the Schmoop Show put up some numbers.
Jay: Damn good numbers.
Matt: People love Schmoop.
Jay: Oh yeah! Lots.
Matt: You were pretty good too.
Jay: Awww shucks. I just happened to be the other one with a working phone.
Matt: That damn cell phone still doesn’t work.
Jay: It better not!
Matt: Oh yeah! It would suck if it started working after the show.


Jay: So what are you doing tonight?
Matt: Well now that I can’t go legitimately rape anyone, nothing!
Jay: That damn Todd Akin!
Matt: Ruined it for everyone!
Jay: I know, right?!? And, I’m all confused now.
Matt: Exactly! I can’t figure legitimate from illegitimate rape.
Jay: How can I concentrate on the task at hand if I’m all confused?
Matt: You can’t!
Jay: NO! I can’t.
Matt: That bastard.
Jay: Took all the fun out it.
Matt: For both me AND my victim.
Jay: Oh yeah! And what about the victim? He totally ruined it for her too.
Matt: So damn inconsiderate.
Jay: Rude.
Matt: Thoughtless
Jay: He’s just a bad person.
Matt: The worst.

Jay: But, you know who is a GREAT person?
Matt: Your mother.
Jay: Damn right buddy.
Matt: We should have her on the show.
Jay: Brilliant idea!!!
Matt: I like it.
Jay: I love it!!!!
Matt: Jay, too many exclamation points.
Jay: Not possible dude!
Matt: You’re probably right.
Jay: We can talk about her going to Little Rock Central the year they integrated.
Matt: Oooooo that’s good right there.
Jay: Yup, and then about living in Yellville AR.
Matt: And the early days of Rock ‘n Roll!
Jay: Totally!
Matt: And God only knows what I’ll come up with.
Jay: Oh man.
Matt: Don’t worry, you can trust me.
Jay: Umm .. Yeah, totally.
Matt: Another HUGE SHOW!
Jay: I can’t wait!
Matt: Okay, I gotta go.
Jay: Me too. Night Sugar Britches.
Matt: Night Pookie.

There you go! Our brilliants spewed all over your computer screen. Also, be sure to join us Sunday at 12 Noon ET for a very special I’m With Stupid as we will interview Jay’s mother! This one could be awesome or get really awkward. Or it could be awesomely awkward!

Todd Akin and Legitimate Rape: A Zygote's Rebuttal

Hi IWS fans, Newly Formed Zygote here in order to rebut, refute, and re-make fun of the, “Legitimate Rape Cannot Lead to Pregnancy Theory” offered up by U.S. Rep. Todd Akin (R-Bizarro World).

Now Todd Akin says that if a woman is “legitimately raped” somehow her body can fight that, shut down somehow, and/or miraculously through osmosis, and through her cries of, “Dear God get off of me you fucking pig!!”, invoke a secret secretion that evidently in a Deus ex Machina mode, acts as a supernatural type of spermicidal manna from Heaven.

Praise Jeebus and Praise Todd Akin!!  Well, if that were true, I’d praise them, but no...no its not true.

And how do I know this you ask?

Let me tell you…

Just days ago, when I was but a mere ovum happily dreaming of someday becoming fertilized by a nice guy with a good income and who insisted on his adorable kid eating only pizza, hamburgers, and ice cream throughout his or her entire childhood, my mom’s body was violently and criminally invaded, and my dream of a life as a loved and happy child in a stable family was shattered forever, as were her dreams.

Some people like Todd Akin believe that life begins at conception, and well at least for me it actually did, and let me tell you, if what happened is part of life, I want no part of it.

When that bastard violated my mom, I could smell the liquor on his body, hear the anguish in her voice, and taste the hate of control on his sperm.  It was ugly.  It was wrong…and most importantly and horridly, in the eyes of some, mom and I have to live with that, and take my birth down the Road to Fruition.

Fuck that.

Oh sure, you make think I know not of what I speak, after all, I am but a mere zygote.  Well let me tell you my friends, in a day or so I will become a blastocyst.  When I morph into that, watch out, because blastocysts are bad asses. In fact, just count on referring to me as Badasstocyst within the next 48 hours.

You hear me Todd Akin!!?

And you know, Todd?  As I type this I am not only going from zygote, to blastocyst, to fetus with rapidity, I am all the while inheriting the DNA of some rapist, psycho-stalking asshole with a meth addiction, and anger issues.

I know you think that somehow that is the plan of an all-knowing, all-benevolent God and we need to save me no matter how I came to be, because God would want that, but your wrong.

That may be the God you know, but the God I know?

He is all about love, and he doesn't use women as unwilling vessels in which to harbor the sperm and offspring of crackheads, boneheads, and dickheads.

When folks of your ilk rage against “radical Islam” you invoke God’s name, and when you speak as you do on this subject, you invoke God’s name as well.  I don’t think God is happy you or radical Muslims invoking His name on anything, because well, you're all fucking stupid.

I’m sure he shakes his head in disgust when Muslims kill in His name and I think he shakes his head in disgust when “Christians” such as yourself , use His name to attempt to forcibly make a woman who through no fault of her own, birth a baby whom she never wanted, never asked for, nor ever desired.

I like choice Mr. Akin and as a Conservative you should as well.  But see…

My mom had no choice, and if you consider me to be a life…I had no choice either.  And, if I come out of the womb all fucked up, angry, and hateful, I will have no choice but to hunt you down and piss all over you.

Well that, or if am born a boy, seek you out and legitimately rape you.

Cheers!!

Zy

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattmaniws

Bored Like Me

Hola y’all! Well, I got nothing. Nada. Zilch. Not a damn thing. There’s just nothing going on. I mean, there’s stuff going on, but nothing fun or interesting to blog about. It’s the dog days of summer. Maybe we should have taken the month of August off like the ladies of The View do. Nawww.

Thank God there’s football on tonight cause Mondays are brutal on TV. Oh sure, it’s just preseason, but for an expert football analyst such as myself, that’s no problem at all. Not that I need to analyze the players anymore since I’ve given up playing fantasy football. FF is just too much of a hassle and takes away from the enjoyment of the game.

Speaking of football, some Yay-HOO over at the AP has picked Arkansas to go to the BCS Championship Game and play Southern California there. So, how to Arkansas fans on the message boards react to this? Do they celebrate having a team that at least one “expert” is picking to go to the big game? Do they celebrate having a team ranked in the Top 10 to start the season? No, they bitch that the guy picked USC to win the championship game. They’re delusional. Every last one of them.

I could talk about Todd Akin, but why bother? By the end of the week he will have restored his lead in the polls and be on his way to making Missouri the laughingstock of the country. But, I will say to all you folks out there saying you want your politicians to “just be honest” I hope you’re happy. This is what we get when politicians are honest. People like Akin say things like women can’t get pregnant from “legitimate rape” because that is what he honestly believes. I guarantee you the GOP would like for Akin to quit being honest about what so many of them believe too.

Let’s see what else is happening. Jack shit, that’s what. So bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. I don’t really have anything to rant about. The newspaper is being delivered regularly again. Well, as regularly as it gets printed. The local paper doesn’t run on Sundays or Mondays. But, even though it doesn’t run every day anymore, they still have the audacity to call that paper the “Harrison DAILY Times.” What’s up with that? Shouldn’t it be the “Harrison NOT DAILY Times?” Or the “Harrison Most Days Times?” I maybe have to bring this up with them.

Nothing happening with the noisy neighbors either. The guy upstairs has been doing his partying somewhere else lately. Of course, I might be jinxing that by writing this. I’ll be pissed off if this post goes up at midnight and an hour later a bunch of people show up at his apartment and they crank up that God-awful music. Maybe I should delete it? But, there’s nothing else going on! I guess I’ll just roll the dice and leave it in. Living on the edge is a pretty wild experience.

Well, I guess I’ll wrap this steaming pile of excrement up since it’s doubtful anyone is still reading. I would be. Hell, I’m not reading while I’m typing. My fingers are just doing whatever the hell they want. My brain has stopped and my fingers are doing all the thinking and typing. Hell, I could do this all week. Don’t you think we’ve seen enough of Zach Galifianikis lately? I do. He needs to take some time off. Like the rest of the year or something. That fudgesicle I had for dessert was exceptionally good tonight. I wonder why Word says fudgesicle isn’t a real word? That’s some bullshit right there. Nobody who works for Microsoft has ever known the simple pleasure of sucking on a long, luscious fudgesicle? What a bunch of fucking losers. Whoa! All of the sudden, I’m up to 630 words in this post. Now I KNOW it’s time to wrap it up cause nobody likes a long wordy blog post, especially one as boring as this one. So anyway, that’s all I’ve got.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS