Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Todd Akin and Legitimate Rape: A Zygote's Rebuttal

Hi IWS fans, Newly Formed Zygote here in order to rebut, refute, and re-make fun of the, “Legitimate Rape Cannot Lead to Pregnancy Theory” offered up by U.S. Rep. Todd Akin (R-Bizarro World).

Now Todd Akin says that if a woman is “legitimately raped” somehow her body can fight that, shut down somehow, and/or miraculously through osmosis, and through her cries of, “Dear God get off of me you fucking pig!!”, invoke a secret secretion that evidently in a Deus ex Machina mode, acts as a supernatural type of spermicidal manna from Heaven.

Praise Jeebus and Praise Todd Akin!!  Well, if that were true, I’d praise them, but no...no its not true.

And how do I know this you ask?

Let me tell you…

Just days ago, when I was but a mere ovum happily dreaming of someday becoming fertilized by a nice guy with a good income and who insisted on his adorable kid eating only pizza, hamburgers, and ice cream throughout his or her entire childhood, my mom’s body was violently and criminally invaded, and my dream of a life as a loved and happy child in a stable family was shattered forever, as were her dreams.

Some people like Todd Akin believe that life begins at conception, and well at least for me it actually did, and let me tell you, if what happened is part of life, I want no part of it.

When that bastard violated my mom, I could smell the liquor on his body, hear the anguish in her voice, and taste the hate of control on his sperm.  It was ugly.  It was wrong…and most importantly and horridly, in the eyes of some, mom and I have to live with that, and take my birth down the Road to Fruition.

Fuck that.

Oh sure, you make think I know not of what I speak, after all, I am but a mere zygote.  Well let me tell you my friends, in a day or so I will become a blastocyst.  When I morph into that, watch out, because blastocysts are bad asses. In fact, just count on referring to me as Badasstocyst within the next 48 hours.

You hear me Todd Akin!!?

And you know, Todd?  As I type this I am not only going from zygote, to blastocyst, to fetus with rapidity, I am all the while inheriting the DNA of some rapist, psycho-stalking asshole with a meth addiction, and anger issues.

I know you think that somehow that is the plan of an all-knowing, all-benevolent God and we need to save me no matter how I came to be, because God would want that, but your wrong.

That may be the God you know, but the God I know?

He is all about love, and he doesn't use women as unwilling vessels in which to harbor the sperm and offspring of crackheads, boneheads, and dickheads.

When folks of your ilk rage against “radical Islam” you invoke God’s name, and when you speak as you do on this subject, you invoke God’s name as well.  I don’t think God is happy you or radical Muslims invoking His name on anything, because well, you're all fucking stupid.

I’m sure he shakes his head in disgust when Muslims kill in His name and I think he shakes his head in disgust when “Christians” such as yourself , use His name to attempt to forcibly make a woman who through no fault of her own, birth a baby whom she never wanted, never asked for, nor ever desired.

I like choice Mr. Akin and as a Conservative you should as well.  But see…

My mom had no choice, and if you consider me to be a life…I had no choice either.  And, if I come out of the womb all fucked up, angry, and hateful, I will have no choice but to hunt you down and piss all over you.

Well that, or if am born a boy, seek you out and legitimately rape you.

Cheers!!

Zy

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattmaniws

21 comments:

I'm With Stupid said...

I just don't think Zy understands how important it is for the government to have control over a woman's baby making parts. She can't be trusted to use them properly and when she doesn't she must be punished. In addition to that, women MUST take responsibility for the role they play in getting "raped."

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Jay: I so want to disagree with you, but for comedic purposes, I will just say, "Damn Right!!" Cheers Jayman!!

Matt-Man

Anonymous said...

He is an idiot!!! Plain and simple...Missy

I'm With Stupid said...

Miss: How can he be an idiot? He sits on the House Committee on SCIENCE!!? God, I love irony. Cheers Miss!!

Matt-Man

Mike said...

All I can do is vote against the dumbshit. He's my representative now and wants to be my senator. God help us all if he makes it through this mess.

Anonymous said...

You know I'm a Republican... They can't get away from him fast enough... He blew it! What a dumbass!

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: You shall certainly rue the day when you vote for Claire and God and Todd look asunder at you. So let it be written; so let it be done. Cheers Mike!!

Matt-Man

I'm With Stupid said...

Miss: You're a Republican? I think we need to reconsider our friendship...eh, on second thought, unlike most Republicans, you're pretty hot, so...it's good. Cheers Miss!!

Matt-Man

Anonymous said...

You know I am you little shit!! :)

I'm With Stupid said...

Miss; And yet, she speaks like a sexy liberal. Cheers Miss!!

Matt-Man

Beth said...

Very good post! This guy is one dangerous fucking moron.

I'm With Stupid said...

Beth: And a moron to boot, oh dear God. Thanks and Cheers Schmoop!!

Matt-Man

Fortune Cookies said...

Who knew smaller government = giving over control of all the lady parts to the government. huh. go figure.

Fortune Cookies said...

...Also-I love how so many republicans are dismissing this guy saying "oh, he's one of those fringe nuts", but yesterday the republican party adopted banning abortion with no exemptions for cases of rape or incest into their official platform. That's not fringe nut minority, that's mainstream. That's scary.

I'm With Stupid said...

Fortune Cookies: The GOP believes in selective smaller government which I guess is like legitimate rape...or something. Cheers and thanks for the comment FC!!

Matt-Man

L-Kat said...

This truly is groundbreaking scientific news. I am in my sixth year of studying reproductive physiology, specifically pregnancy, for my PhD (go ahead and make jokes...yes, I DO study "sex"), and never have I learned about this miraculous physiological technique that women's bodies have been hiding. Mind: blown.

I'm With Stupid said...

L-Kat: I know!! It's amazing, the old adage still applies...You learn something new every day. Cheers Kat!!

Matt-Man

Jo said...

Great post, Matt.

Akin fears The Vagina.

My cervical death ray has been trying to melt his brain all day but it can't find it.

I'm With Stupid said...

Jo: It doesn't seem as if there is all too much of a brain to melt. Thanks and Cheers Jo!!

Matt-Man

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