Jayman's Favorite Sex Euphemisms

Holaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! As you know by now we did a Smut Show on IWS Radio last Sunday. You MIGHT have also noticed that we’re going to the other extreme this coming Sunday with a Good Wholesome Fun Show. Before things get too wholesome around here, I have something I need to do. I made a long list of my favorite sex euphemisms for the show last week just in case we needed filler. We had so much audience participation that we didn’t need any filler at all which is awesome! It would be silly to just let all those euphemisms go to waste though. Don’t you think? I agree, so here we go ….

Dipping the corn dog in the batter.

Putting the sour cream on the taco.

Riding the skin bus to tuna town.

Parking the beef bus in the tuna garage

Glazing the muffin.

Take the old one eye to the optometrist.

Vulcanize the whoopee stick.

Burping the worm into the mole hole

Formatting the hard drive

Yodeling in the canyon of love.

Gland to gland combat.

Dinner beneath the bridge. (69ing)

Get into a bit of a jam.

Have some bananas and cream.

Slytherin her hufflepuff (for you Harry Potter fans)

Visiting her downtown dining and entertaining district

The no pants dance

Spelunking in the slime cave.

The four legged frolic

Get the old pole waxed

Parking your yacht in hair harbor

Making feet for baby shoes

Stretch the leather

Beef curtain immersion

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand …. Drive the fuck truck to cunt canyon.

Thank you for letting me get that out of my system. I feel much better now.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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More Onion-Like Headlines

Hola Y’all! It’s time for another round of Onion-Like Headlines. You might remember that I did some of these back in February and said it would be a regular feature. Well, it only took me eleven months to come up with some more! I’m so damn clever it amazes even me. Okay, here we go…

“Hillary Clinton Tells Her Favorite Monica Lewinsky Jokes”

“College Coaches: 'We're Overpaid, Cut Our Salaries and Use the Money on the Kids.'”

“Oprah Dines at Waffle House Several Times a Week”

“Oklahoma Scenery Voted Most Beautiful by People Who Have Never Been There”

“113 Congress Promises to Stop Being So Damn Productive”

“Rush Limbaugh Says Tyler Perry Movies are His Guilty Pleasure”

“Rachael Ray Embarrasses Self by Leaves Big Tip for Appreciative Wait Staff”

“Networks Promise to Make Reality TV More 'Lowbrow'”

“Celine Dion: 'My Music is Average at Best'”

“Ohio Residents Confused, Anxious and Paranoid Over Being Called ‘Meth Capital of the US’”

“President Obama Promises to Aggravate Everyone by Taking Slow, Methodical Approach to the Debt Limit Fight”

“Victoria's Secret Model Admits She Was Beautiful in High School and Got Asked on Dates All the Time”

“NFL Owners and Players Concerned That They Might Be Putting Fans First”

“U.S. Pharmaceutical Industry Says Americans Take too Many Pills”

“Michelle Obama Says to Quit 'Nitpicking' Your Kids' Diets”

“Mommy Bloggers Admit Their Kids aren't Anything Special”

“Israel Apologizes for Not Killing Enough Palestinians in Last Attack.”

“Republicans Refuse to Renew ‘Violence Against Women’ Act. All Go Home and Tell Their Wives ‘I Hate Myself for What I Did’”

“Rihanna Criticizes Barbara Streisand for Not Using Auto-Tune Because Natural Voices Sound Weird.”

“Mississippi Afraid Children are Getting ‘Too Much Book Learning’”

“Nicolas Cage’s Latest Movie is Another Masterpiece”

Eh … Obviously I’ll never get a job with The Onion. Maybe the next round of headlines, in late Dec 2013, will be better.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS


In other news Wednesday’s episode of I’m With Stupid was 45 minutes of warm, charming and even funny internet radio. We just rolled along jumping from topic to topic as if we knew what we were doing. It was just a free-flowing conversation on things ranging from the Fiscal (or Physical) Cliff to college bowl games to chatting with Schmoop to everything in between. So, check the show out and we’ll bring a smile to your face and warm your heart. More or less. So totally check it out!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

IWS Takes On The Man Again

To: The Ozark’s CW and KYTV Channel 3, commonly known as KY3, of Springfield, MO. 

I am writing this to express my very deepest disappointment in the Ozark’s CW’s decision to take Family Guy and M*A*S*H off in the 10 pm CDT hour and replace them with reruns of Oprah.  This move has completely ruined by bedtime preparation routine.  Now I will have to find something new to watch from 10 to 11 pm, and I have no idea what it might be. 

I have a routine, and I don’t like to have that routine messed with.  Each night at 10 pm I get on my laptop and turn on the Ozark’s CW.  I then spend the hour Twittering with friends, reading blogs and being entertained by two of the very best shows in the history of TV.  Well, I used to do that.  Now what am I supposed to watch? Conan? Pffffffffft, please.  And I can’t go back to watching Roseanne either.  I’ve just watched each of those episodes too many times now.  So, you can see that my evenings are all discombobulated now and it’s all your fault.

I also would like to point out that you have taken good, wholesome family entertainment off and replaced it with the offensive and downright outrageous Oprah show.  Really, guys? Oprah?  So now rather than laughing at Stewie and Peter’s clever one-liners and then the zany antics of Frank Burns, we now are expected to learn about such things as “Tossing the Salad” or a “Cleveland Steamer and other disgusting acts that Oprah talks about on her NOT family-friendly show? In the immortal words Col. Potter “MONKEY MUFFINS!” I for one will not sit still for it. 

I’m going to stand up for all the people out there who like to be entertained by good, decent programming.  I’m putting the Ozark’s CW and your parent/sister/owner station KY3 on notice. I have multiple outlets to inform the people of your transgressions and I will take advantage of them. First I have this blog. Plus, I still have my old Blogger Blog “Every Day Jay” with which I can reach a large audience.  Next I have my Tumblr blog with hundreds of followers.  I also have a Twitter account with more than 540 followers and growing rapidly. 

Plus, and this is the big one. I am executive producer, co-writer and co-host of “I’m With Stupid” internet radio show with a vast and diverse worldwide audience.  And, just your bad luck that this week we will be hosting our One Year Anniversary Extravaganza this weekend.  So, we will have an even bigger than usual audience for me to inform of your very unfortunate programming decisions.

In addition to that show, I have several friends who also have radio shows who I’m sure will be willing to allow me to bring my message of wholesome entertainment over vile and sick sex talk to the masses along with the very real potential of a boycott.  But, most importantly, I have my friend and lover co-host Matt-Man, who has already proven the Power of IWS.  (Clicking that link will undoubtedly wipe that smirk off your face.)

There is a real potential for disaster here Ozark’s CW.  The last thing I want to do is involve our highly experienced and aggressive Legal Team!  I think right about now would be a good time to hold a meeting and reevaluate your very poor decision to put Oprah on at 10 pm. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.  Take a look at the uprisings all throughout the Middle East.  You don’t want that to happen to you do you?  THE PEOPLE WILL NOT BE DENIED! 

I hope that this matter can be resolved without any further actions that might result in hard feelings.  I know you want to do the right thing. 

Yours in Christ,
Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws