Halloween Sucks, But It's Almost The Holidays

Hola Bitches! Well, it’s just about that time of year again. It’s almost Holiday Season. Despite the fact that I spend much of the Holiday Season depressed, there is a lot to love about the holidays. I’ve always loved the spirit of the season. I love the festive atmosphere, the decorations, the music, the general happiness and all that great stuff too. Unfortunately, it all starts with my third least favorite day of the year: Halloween.

After my birthday and April Fools’ Day, Halloween is the day I have the least use for. There is very little to like about Halloween. Basically there are only four things I like about Halloween:

1. Candy packaged in variety packs that you can’t get other times of the year.

2. The command performance put on by Jennifer Love Hewitt’s boobs in I Know What You Did Last Summer. They were spectacular.

3. SMARTIES!

4. Said candy variety packs being put on 50% off sale at Dollar General after Halloween is over.

That’s it. That’s the list! 

The rest I can do without. I don’t like scary movies. I don’t like costumes. I don’t like spooky shit of any kind. I’m already pissed that I’m going to see 5,000 people post pics of their babies dressed as bumble bees and all will pretend that they are the only ones who thought of it. Not you of course, your kid is cute as hell.

And their dogs! These people even dress their dogs up. Your dog is the one creature on this Earth that loves you unconditionally. He will never let you down. He will never leave you. He would put himself in front of a bullet or a speeding train to save you. And how do you repay him? You dress him up like Harry Potter or an Elf or some other shit. Then you take pics of him and post them on the net for everyone to laugh at and make fun your best, and probably only, friend in the entire world.

Oh sure, I’ll retweet those pics of your dog in his costume. Or I’ll post them on the official I’m With Stupid Tumblr. But, deep inside, I’ll feel really bad for the poor little puppy suffering such humiliation only because his only desire in life is to make you happy.

But, after Halloween is over things will begin to improve. As the days get shorter and colder and the football games get bigger and more meaningful, it will become time to start making Thanksgiving and Christmas plans. Mine are already made, weather permitting, of course. My plans are the same as every year. Thanksgiving with the family in Omaha, NE and a quiet and simple Christmas here in Redneckville, AR.

In between there will be decorating, baking fudge and cookies and watching all my favorite Christmas specials and movies. It’s such a special time of year. Hell, we might even dedicate a whole episode of I’m With Stupid internet radio show to happy shit. Maybe. We’ll see.

But, that’s all in the future still as I have to get through Halloween night first. I’ll put up the blackout curtains and ignore the begging children of Occupy Wall Street people who bang on the door even though my porch light won’t be on or anything like that. Then on Tuesday morning I will go out and see whether or not my car was egged or the air was let out of its tires by kids engaging in a little “mischief.” Only then will I be able to start looking forward to the Holidays and actually smile again.

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Speaking of Halloween, we held out Halloween Creeptacular this weekend on I’m With Stupid. And boy was it! The show opened with a trailer for a soon to be released horror film loosely based on the lives of your humble hosts, Matt-Man and Jayman. Then we engaged in some witty banter, as usual, followed by talking Halloween and taking calls.

And, while Matt and I were bringing the creepy, Dana and Knight called in to bring the sexy! It turned out to be a pretty great show. Especially as Knight watched a certain “inappropriate” video and gave us a little play-by-play of the action. Let’s just say it was HAWT! But, in a totally family-friendly(ish) kind of way.

So, check out the show if you get the chance. We very much appreciate your support and love each and every one of you out there.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

BotW: Sexy Slutty Celebrity Halloween Costumes

We decided to do something a little different for our Babe of the Week this Sunday. Since it’s Halloween weekend, IWS is proud to present some of the best Slutty Halloween Costumes.

Alessandra Torresani as Slutty Barbarella

Blake Lively as Slutty Sexy Schoolgirl

Kim Kardashian as Slutty Poison Ivy 

Kourtney Kardashian as a Slutty Pirate Wench

Kelly Choi as Slutty Dead Bride

Meagan Good as Slutty Hooters Girl

Lauren Conrad as Slutty Sexy Sailor Girl

Paris Hilton as Slutty She Ra 

Olivia Munn as Slutty Princess Leia

And, my favorite … Sexy Asian Nurse! 

Matt Said, Jay Said XI

Matt said a few things, Jay said a few things, and then we moved on.

Matt: “Howdy Ho!”
Jay: “Ever notice that I’m always the one doing the calling.”
Matt: “Hmm … What’s up with that?”
Jay: “Nobody ever calls me. No texts, messages or calls. Ever.” *SIGH*
Matt: “Jay, the Self-Pity Show is over.”
Jay: “It never ends for me.”
Matt: “Awww”
Jay: “That wasn’t a very sincere sounding ‘aww’”
Matt: “It’s the best I can do though.”

Jay: “I posted Wednesday’s show EVERYWHERE”
Matt: “You are a marketing guru.”
Jay: “Yeah, and I played up the strange “turning asexual” talk we had.”
Matt: “That was a little weird. But, weird things happen like that sometimes.”
Jay: “And, I figured those people might be some untapped listener.”
Matt: “Nobody really reaches out to touch them much.”
Jay: “True. And they’re kind of lonely.”
Matt: “As are most of society’s outcasts.”
Jay: “Just like us.”
Matt: “We can certainly relate to others who just don’t fit in.”

Jay: “Lindsay Lohan posing for playboy!”
Matt: “Dreams we didn’t know we had are coming true.”
Jay: “Only 8 to 10 years too late.”
Matt: “Exactly. Hope Miley doesn’t make this mistake. She’s pushing it already.”
Jay: “She’s practically an old hag by now. Miley, not Lindsay. Lindsay has been for a while.”
Matt: “True. True.”

Matt: “New maintenance chick here at the Digs.”
Jay: “Oh really? A maintenance babe?”
Matt: “I’m watching her rake leaves. Apparently this is a VERY physically demanding activity.”
Jay: “Lots of bending and repetitive motion.”
Matt: “Just a carpal tunnel worker’s comp claim waiting to happen.”
Jay: “Poor girl, but what can they do. She’s a girl, so she can’t do actual maintenance work.”
Matt: “Can’t give her power tools! She’ll hurt someone.”
Jay: “So she has to do women’s work. Cleaning, sweeping, raking.”
Matt: “And she doesn’t appear to enjoy it.”
Jay: “I hope she runs into Angry Mailman. That would be quite the encounter.”
Matt: “They might run off together.”

Jay: “Okay, so Halloween Extravaganza?”
Matt: “You could call it ‘Spooktacular’ cause no one ever uses that!”
Jay: “Creeptacular?”
Matt: “Oh yeah! We are definitely creepy enough for that.”
Jay: “That’s why the chicks dig us.”
Matt: “They can tell we know how to get our freak on.”
Jay: “Even in asexual ways.”
Matt: “We are men of many talents.”
Jay: “Okay, Halloween show of some kind.”
Matt: “I’m no it! Gonna be great.”
Jay: “We always are!”
Matt: “Can’t wait!”

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While waiting for that show, you can listen to Wednesday’s absolutely hilarious and entertaining show. It was 45 minutes of pure randomness and irreverence that we are famous for. We rapidly, yet efficiently made our way through Lindsay Lohan, SEO marketing issues with the website, Mitt Romney and his bad week, some Halloween Show prep, turning asexual and eating Pringles Sour Cream and Onion potato chips.

That’s quality entertainment at a fair price right there. We hope you listen and enjoy the show because making you, our readers, listeners and friends happy is all we’ve got what it’s all about.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Easy, Last Minute Halloween Costumes for the Man Who Has Nothing

Cheers Chuckleheads, and...

In case you were nursed on thalidomide instead of Similac like one of my brothers, you have probably forgotten that Halloween is this weekend, and are in need of a last minute costume to wear to the parties tonight and tomorrow.

No fears…The Matt-Man has you covered with some really awesome, last-minute Halloween costume ideas.

Of course it’s easy for a woman to come up with a last-minute costume. Hell, they can just throw on a bra, a skirt, and a gallon of perfume and go as a hooker, or do what IWS’s friend, Tiffy Crack deVille did…

A couple of felt arachnids strategically placed upon her nipples, and voila, she is, Spider Woman!!

Or even more basic, just do what our IWS Correspondent Kim Fragile did last year…Take off your bra, throw on a leather jacket, and go as, Eeeeeeeeeezy Ridah…

Women have it made, however, do not fret my good men of the male persuasion, give me five minutes and I’ll help you out.

Last year, I was notified by the IWS Marketing Department that I was to appear at a Halloween party to help benefit St. Rita’s School for the Deaf, Dumb, and Guilted.

What better way to celebrate both Halloween and Catholicism than by grabbing a piece of construction paper, a Sharpie, and dressing like Pope Benedict XVI!?

Have a pair of sunglasses, White-Out, and a red marker? You’re good to go. Check it out, just make slants on your glasses with the White-Out, apply blotches to your face with the red marker, and look…

You are now, Hee So Glo, former Head Janitor at the Fukushima Nuclear Power Plant. Or…

If you prefer the Chinks to the Nips, use the same glasses with the applied White-Out, don a silk robe, and Abwacadabwa…

You now, Hu Hefnorrrrr, CEO and editor of China’s number one men’s magazine…Prayboy.

Make sure you tell the other guests what all it took for you to get Rindsay Rohan to do spwead for yu. Ha-ho…

A couple of year’s ago, I hadn’t been invited to any Halloween parties and was headed out to eat by myself at the counter at Waffle House to enjoy some hash browns and heartache when the phone rang, and on the other end was an invite to a party. 

I had ten minutes…tops.

So…

I grabbed a bottle of booze, dyed my hair, scribbled some unreadable, poorly written dialogue onto seven pieces of paper, threw on a sweater that was really ugly, and lo and behold…

I was Ernest Hemingway…The resemblance is un-fucking-canny, is it not? Of course, you could always do the following as well…

When Halloween is over and your friends ask you why you didn’t show up for the Halloween bash, you can always respond…

“I was there.” and they’ll reply…

“You were? I didn’t see you?” To which you say…

“That’s because I came as The Invisible Man.”

Trick-or-Treat, Bitches, and make sure to join Jayman and me on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio Saturday at 6:30 PM EDT, as we celebrate Halloween. It’s going to be spooktacular.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Wisconsin vs. Ohio State...Badgers vs. Buckeyes...Brent Musburger is Lost in Zanesville

Hi Post-Secondary Education pigskin fans, Slyder Balzcock here for I’m With Stupid with your Weekend of Witches and Warlocks, gridiron preview…

It’s a big, spooktacular weekend of college football, and no game bigger than when the Wisconsin Badgers invade the sullied and shit upon horseshoe of the Ohio State University, but more on that later.

First up, in the Conference-USA...um...conference…

UAB blazes a beeline to Huntington, WV. in order to tangle with the ‘Herd of Marshall.

I don’t know about you, but I think that because the game is played at noon, even the West By Godders from Marshall won’t be drunk enough to stop the Boy Caught pass attack of the Birminghammers.

In the SEC, the ’Hogs of Arkansas invade Dudley Stadium in Nashville in order to take on the pesky Vanderbilt Commodores.

In order for a win from the Commodores, Lionel Richie will need to throw for 400 yards, beat down the Arkansas secondary harder than he did his ex-wife, and kick Nicole through the uprights. I hope the winds are favorable.

Navy is at Notre Dame this weekend which can mean only one thing…The Midshipmen of Navy will be getting their first look at women who aren’t dykes.

Tonight’s game is a match-up of the Indian Jesuses of BYU and the Nails in the Hand TCU’ers.

I think TCU will win because when you morph BYU and TCU into an anagram, it spells out, Buy Cut. 

Jesus wasn’t bought, but he sure as hell was cut. I predict the true Christians of TCU win by a trinity.

Lastly, before we get to the, Game of the Week…

The smart, white, and light skinned Afro-Americans of Stanford, travel to South Central LA to take on the drug-dealing, hubcap stealing, and noble in moniker only, Trojans of USC.

I’ll take smart, pasty white guys over nefarious heroin-shooting Black and Mexican-Americans any day. Stanford gets the win, but the USC players get the ladies.

As I promised earlier, my views on the Mighty Wisconsin Badgers coming to Columbus, Ohio to take on the Ohio State Buckeyes…

While the Ohio State program is in trouble, the Badgers of Wisconsin are still smarting over the loss to unemployed auto workers from Michigan State. It’s quite the eliptic condensed conair? (Ed.Note: use, conundrum; that means puzzle, Slyder.) conundrum.

Thanks Ed. Note, and on that note, ha ha, I will say this…

the Ohio State University blows…They blow like Moby Dick. The Badgers are going to destroy them…I mean…Here’s what the Ohio State players will look like when the carnage is over…

I know what you’re saying…

“Hey Slyder you’re from Ohio; you should root for the Ohio State.”

Let me tell you something…I’m originally from Idaho, and I hate potatoes. That tells you one very important thing about Slyder…

I don’t get the Value Meal when I go to McDonald’s.

This is Slyder Balzcock, leavin’ it all on the field and headin’ for the showers.

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Dating Sites Are Entertaining

Hola Bitches! A couple of days after Al Gore invented the internets somebody had the brilliant idea to create a personals website. I love web personals. I love to browse through all the personal ads and see all the crazy stuff people write. Mostly though I love to search through them and see if there is anyone I know on there.

I have on a few occasions been browsing through personals sites and come across people that I knew. I came across a couple of co-workers on one site. On another I found the daughter of a co-worker who had an ad that I’m pretty sure her mother would have been embarrassed to see. And, at least twice I found a neighbor’s ad.

Back in the day, I actually tried a few personal ads myself with mixed results. I generally got responses from either young girls (as in 18 or 19 year olds) with at least one and usually two or more kids or lonely MARRIED middle aged stay at home moms. WTF? Otherwise I got no responses at all.

Of course, the worst part of personals is that people tend to, well, lie. It’s important to know what they are saying when they use certain words. For instance:

“Six figure income” – If you count the numbers to the right of the decimal
“Athletic” – Bowls
“Loves to Travel” – Drives up to the state line for a case of PBR and some lottery tickets each weekend.
“Romantic” – Will open your beer for you.
"Spontaneous" - Will go from happy to explosive anger in 3.2 seconds over the littlest things.
"Easy going" - As long as I get my way
"Talkative" - I nag at you all day and night.
"Self-sufficient" - I think I'm better than you.
"Affectionate" - Emotional cripple who gets really possessive.

I'm not all that picky and my ads have always shown that. I don't like age ranges (as long as she's, you know, legal and an adult) or specific height/weight requirements and I certainly never exclude any race, nationality or religion. Basically I only have three requirements:

1. Be able to carry on a decent conversation.
2. Have a sense of humor.
3. Not be batshit crazy.

It's the third one that always gets me.

I’ve only had one time where I got responses from an ad that were negative or attacking me. I made up an ad once on Yahoo where I specified “NO KIDS”. I got several emails telling me what a terrible person I was for saying that. See, that’s where I went wrong. I was trying to be honest. Guess that isn’t what people are looking for nowadays.

I realized that if I were to do this again I really have to come up with a kick ass ad. I’m thinking about trying this one:

"Bitter, broke, overweight and rapidly graying SWM who is going through a midlife crisis and has limited social skills seeks petite, sexy female with low standards and even lower self-esteem."

OR ....

"Sad, self-conscious, introverted SWM with very little direction in life seeks older, attention-starved yet accident prone heiress with a nagging cough."


Yeah. I like my chances too.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws

Celebrating Fat Girls !!

Y‘know?

Jayman and I have been website and internet radio partners for over a year now, and I love the guy, however…

His post yesterday about how skinny chicks get crapped on by men and women in life, and specifically, within the spider web of drunken neurons and itchy “Enter” key fingers that is social media, left me feeling a bit empty…a bit…I dunno….

Feeling like I had gone to a fine restaurant and all I got was a salad and bowl of luke warm consommé.

I hungered for a counterpoint after reading Jay’s articulations and assertions on how fine, sexy, and healthy, thin chicks are.

Let me tell you right now folks…I dig fat chicks.

Fat, voluptuous, thick, broad across the beam…no matter what you want to call these ladies of larger proportions, I am down with the mounds of ground round that are the big chicks.

I like the bigger broads for a myriad of reasons. Allow me to ’splain….

I am a hemophiliac, and having sex with a skinny chick could result in some serious set backs for me. For instance…

Back in 2005, Kate Moss wanted to have sex with me. She was cute and funny and all that, but I could foresee myself bangin’ away on her, and then one of her ribs piercing my skin, and puncturing my lung.

My kid seeing the coroner’s pictures of me in my, gasping for air, non-coagulating, swimming in the gruel of forced vomitization from Kate’s last supper of a Kalamata olive death, is not the impression I would like him to be left with…so I passed.

No, my friends, I dig thick chicks. They have plenty to offer.

The first thing that comes to mind is that they are obviously comfortable in their own skin. If they weren’t, the wouldn’t have so much of it. I do like a chick who exudes that, “take me as I am” attitude, with a smile and a body as big as the Montana sky.

With big chicks, sex is never a problem…You can have sex anywhere, anytime. I’m not talking public places folks; I’m talking places on their bodies. Holy Cow!!

So many folds, so little time.

Hell, you can be dry humping her leg, find a crevice, and the next thing you know, you swollen manhood has been swallowed up by the Whore of Cellulite. It doesn’t do much for her libido, but man oh man, does your prostate feel better after that seminal explosion.

And what’s great? Even though it didn’t do much for her, her post-femur-coital reply is…

“Glad you feel better, honey…turn on the football game, and I’ll order pizza. I‘m starving.”

Oh yeahhhhhhhhh. What would a skinny bitch say after something like that?

“Godammit you bastard…You shot your load all over me, and now instead of weighing 101.8 pounds, I weigh 102.2...Where’s the Syrup of Ipecac? I need to toss some bile.”

Another thing…Big chicks have the cutest faces. Seriously, you men out there…how many times have you said to yourself…

“Damn she’s cute…too bad she’s a biggin’.” Uh-huh… I know, so don’t lie.

Actually all chicks rawwwwwk…

Thin, thick, black, white, etc, etc. all of them rock… Well…many, but not all, because say what you will ladies, there are as many of you that are assholes as there men who are; stupid knows no gender.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Celebrating Skinny Girls!

Hola Bitches! You know, one of the things that piss me off most in Social Media is how disingenuous people are. People are always pretending to be something they’re not. Like all these guys who are always writing blog posts talking about how much they love “thick” or “curvy” or “voluptuous” women. I say bullshit.

They’re just doing those posts to get women to like them. They know that when they do that, women will flock to them and shower them with praise. Cause women are easy to manipulate like that. But, they don’t mean it. Usually, their version of “curvy” just means some chick with a huge rack, but otherwise pretty skinny. Or a skinny chick with big fake boobs.

God I hate fake boobs. Your boobs are perfect the way they are ladies.

Anyway, the reason this bugs most is because it’s open season on skinny chicks on the internet. You can pretty much say anything you want, no matter how mean or hateful, about skinny chicks and everyone will laugh and pat you on the back for it. But, if you dare call Kim Kardashian “Thunder Thighs” you will be clobbered for your “insensitivity.”

Never mind the fact that skinny girls are way hotter. That doesn’t matter. It’s all about being politically correct. And of course, the leaders of all this hatred towards skinny girls are other women. Man, there is so much woman-on-woman crime happening on the internet! It’s just embarrassing.

And GOD FORBID someone post the pic of a really beautiful Asian lady with a perfect body like Zhang Ziyi! That’s when the claws really come out. “OMG! She’s just gross!” “She has the body of a 12 year old boy!” “She has sharp knees!” “She needs to eat a sandwich!” And so on. Jealousy and racism is an ugly combination.  

See, nobody ever takes skinny girls’ feelings into account. I see all of these “All women are beautiful” posts and comments all the time. But, 90% of those are aimed at making “curvy” women feel better about not being skinny. Whenever I see “I love curvy women” blog posts or pics on Tumblr or whatever, I NEVER see anyone defend the healthy skinny girls. And, that makes me sad. Just because they take care of themselves, doesn’t mean it’s okay to be hateful towards them.

So here’s to the Skinny Girls! The one’s with the small boobs, long legs and round, firm asses! These are girls who aren’t embarrassed to be skinny. They’re proud of their healthy lifestyles. They wear clothes that show off their flat bellies. They proudly go out in public in tight jeans or short shorts. They stand up to the cruel and hateful attacks from society and especially other women.

They say “Here I am world! I’m skinny and proud! And I love myself!”

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws

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In other news, Saturday’s show on I’m With Stupid started out with the intention of having a Self-Pity Party. But, circumstances changed and it ended up being most a rather awkward, yet endearing birthday celebration for The Creepy Kid Next Door.

CKND called in, and as a surprise, Matt-Man had arranged to have a beautiful young lady with the voice of an angel also call in so she could sing “Happy Birthday.” It was a very special moment. Even if she is probably STILL shaking her head trying to figure just who the hell we are what that show was all about.

Then her mom called as did Mike AKA: “Mr. Excitement” and we shot the breeze for the rest of the show. So, instead of being depressing, the show will actually put a smile on your face. And when it comes down to it, that’s all we really want to do. Thanks for listening!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio