Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Dating Sites Are Entertaining

Hola Bitches! A couple of days after Al Gore invented the internets somebody had the brilliant idea to create a personals website. I love web personals. I love to browse through all the personal ads and see all the crazy stuff people write. Mostly though I love to search through them and see if there is anyone I know on there.

I have on a few occasions been browsing through personals sites and come across people that I knew. I came across a couple of co-workers on one site. On another I found the daughter of a co-worker who had an ad that I’m pretty sure her mother would have been embarrassed to see. And, at least twice I found a neighbor’s ad.

Back in the day, I actually tried a few personal ads myself with mixed results. I generally got responses from either young girls (as in 18 or 19 year olds) with at least one and usually two or more kids or lonely MARRIED middle aged stay at home moms. WTF? Otherwise I got no responses at all.

Of course, the worst part of personals is that people tend to, well, lie. It’s important to know what they are saying when they use certain words. For instance:

“Six figure income” – If you count the numbers to the right of the decimal
“Athletic” – Bowls
“Loves to Travel” – Drives up to the state line for a case of PBR and some lottery tickets each weekend.
“Romantic” – Will open your beer for you.
"Spontaneous" - Will go from happy to explosive anger in 3.2 seconds over the littlest things.
"Easy going" - As long as I get my way
"Talkative" - I nag at you all day and night.
"Self-sufficient" - I think I'm better than you.
"Affectionate" - Emotional cripple who gets really possessive.

I'm not all that picky and my ads have always shown that. I don't like age ranges (as long as she's, you know, legal and an adult) or specific height/weight requirements and I certainly never exclude any race, nationality or religion. Basically I only have three requirements:

1. Be able to carry on a decent conversation.
2. Have a sense of humor.
3. Not be batshit crazy.

It's the third one that always gets me.

I’ve only had one time where I got responses from an ad that were negative or attacking me. I made up an ad once on Yahoo where I specified “NO KIDS”. I got several emails telling me what a terrible person I was for saying that. See, that’s where I went wrong. I was trying to be honest. Guess that isn’t what people are looking for nowadays.

I realized that if I were to do this again I really have to come up with a kick ass ad. I’m thinking about trying this one:

"Bitter, broke, overweight and rapidly graying SWM who is going through a midlife crisis and has limited social skills seeks petite, sexy female with low standards and even lower self-esteem."

OR ....

"Sad, self-conscious, introverted SWM with very little direction in life seeks older, attention-starved yet accident prone heiress with a nagging cough."

Yeah. I like my chances too.


Gnetch said...

I'm sure you'll like me. I'm super "spontaneous" and "easy going". Also "talkative". Hahaha!

Beth said...

Oh, so "spontaneous" is what they're calling it now. I always thought I was just bipolar. Good to know;)

I'm With Stupid said...

Gnetch: That's why I call you "Sunshine" ;-)


I'm With Stupid said...

Beth: It's important to use words that don't scare too many people off.


Leigh Anne said...

Don't forget to specify that your perfect girl should have "Daddy issues". That should help you find a true keeper!

I'm With Stupid said...

I know this would be a red flag for you, but I dig it when I see that "dining out" ranks high on the chick's list of interests. I love a woman who can pack it away. Oh Yeahhhhh. Cheers Jayman!!


Knight said...

@Matt-Man Does "dining out" mean oral?

I have faith in you Jay. I would post the one searching for the accident prone heiress first. Then you will have no problem at all finding a new wife when you add Wealthy to the front of the first ad.

I'm With Stupid said...

Leigh Anne: ha! Oh yeah, Daddy Issues are a must!


I'm With Stupid said...

Matt: I know you do. And, someone who will enjoy a big pepperoni pizza with me is a plus. Good call.


I'm With Stupid said...

Knight: I think he means "go to Waffle House at 2 am while drunk" when he says "dining out." ;-)


MysteryChick said...

I tried internet dating a year or so ago. I'm still single. I'm good with that, mostly.

Steve Bailey said...

"Athletic" equals bowls!!! Hilarious!!! so..... does "lazy" then mean constipated?

My 2 Pesos said...

That means I'm very athletic. (:

I'm With Stupid said...

Mystery Chick: I tried dating sites and am still single too. But, I do have this rash that keeps coming back all the time. It's disturbing.


I'm With Stupid said...

Steve Bailey: No "lazy" means "hemorrhoids" ha!


I'm With Stupid said...

Pesos: It's okay. I suck at bowling so that means I can't even claim to be athletic.


Dana said...

I'm thinking mail-order bride is still your best bet. I hear there are lots of Asian women looking for a plane ticket and citizenship ;)

I'm With Stupid said...

I've tried the mail order bride thing. Same results as the pen pal and online international dating. When I tell them we should live in THEIR country, I stop hearing from them. ;-)


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