Hillary's VP Shortlist: Pros and Cons

Holaaaaaaaaaaa y’all! We’re down to the wire in the Veepstakes for both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. So, as a service to our readers, here is a quick review of the top contenders to be Hillary Clinton’s Vice President …. 

Senator Tim Kaine (Virginia): 

Pros: A safe establishment pick from an important swing state who speaks fluent Spanish, Kaine would fit perfectly with Clinton’s only slightly left-of-center positions. He is also boring as hell and there’s no concern that he will overshadow the candidate. Also, writers can use the phrase “Kaine brings the pain” after every speech he gives. 

Cons: Who the fuck is Time Kaine?  

Senator Elizabeth Warren (Taxachusets):

Pros: Elizabeth Warren is wildly popular with the left in the Democratic Party. She’s pro-worker’s rights, anti-Wall Street and is a very feisty campaigner who has proven that she can get under Donald Trump’s leathery orange skin. 

Cons: Come on …. Elizabeth and Hillary hate each other’s fucking guts. We all know it. No way two women can run on the same ticket together without having a YUUUUUUGE blowout! Even if they win they will have put a line of duct tape down the middle of the West Wing and each stay on their respective sides. 

Senator Sherrod Brown (Ohio): 

Pros: A veteran who has a long history of liberal politics, Brown is another favorite of unions and other left-leaning special interest groups. He voted against NAFTA, the Iraq War, TPP and uh, other stuff that people on the left hate. Ohio is another very important swing state and he gives Hillary a lot of cover from her critics on the left including Bernie supporters. 

Cons: After listening to his raspy voice for about five minutes voters will be concerned that his three-pack a day smoking habit will result in his not living through a full term as VP. 

Miley Cyrus (California/Tennessee):

Pros: Young, vibrant and extremely popular Miley could inject some much needed energy and nakedness into the Clinton campaign. She can bring hundreds of thousands or even millions of young people to the polls and launch the political revolution that Bernie Sanders dreamed of for Hillary. Again, she can do all this while constantly getting NEKKID! 

Cons: I don’t see any downside here. 

Labor Secretary Tom Perez (Parts Unknown):

Pros: Another Spanish speaking hero of the working class left, Perez might go down as one of the most consequential Labor Secretaries of all time. Not that the bar has been set all that high on that one. Also, he’s a regular guy as proven by the fact that he goes by “Tom” instead of “Thomas.”  Most importantly, Perez rhymes with VicePrez. It works! 

Cons: Who the fuck is Tom Perez?

Rep. Xavier Becerra (Calif.): 

Pros: “The X-Man” … “Mr. X-citement” … “The X-Factor” … “X Marks the Veep” … “He’s an X-cellent campaigner” … “The X-terminator” … I think you see where this is going. Lots of upside here. Also, he was apparently named after a college in Cincinnati so that would help Hillary in Ohio. 

Cons: Americans might have had enough of people in high public office with funny sounding names. 

Matt-Man (Ohio) and Jayman (Arkansas):

Pros: A real outside the box idea of nominating two people to fill one position. Matt and Jay are a two-for-one package. Meaning they will split the salary and benefits of the office of Vice President evenly. They will also split the duties and have their personal assistant and good friend Jamie Mapleleaf  keep track of funerals and boring-ass conferences each has attended to keep things fair. Plus, they will keep the masses entertained and distracted while Hillary takes care of the business of the nation. 

Cons: They need Sundays off. 

The Progressive Tea Party ...

President Obama has nominated Richard Cordray to be the head of the new Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. And, as you might have expected there is a certain politically active group of people out there who are all kinds of pissed off. Yup, once again the Tea Par… oh wait. Sorry, about that. Once again the people on the left who call themselves “progressives” have their panties in a knot.

It always happens the same way. Obama recognizes the reality of a situation and decides that rather than going through a long, drawn-out and ultimately futile fight, makes the smart move. In this case, it’s his decision not to nominate Elizabeth Warren who faces not just opposition from republicans, but doesn’t have a single democrat who matters* in the senate willing to fight for her. 

The reaction is also always the same. Progressives stare in complete disbelief that they didn’t get the toy they wanted. Then the lower lip starts trembling and then the tears start flowing. Then they throw themselves down on the floor of the toy section and scream, kick, punch and make absolute fools of themselves. 

Then, when they run out of energy, mommy picks them up and holds them.  She reassures them that their feelings are valid too, and that they will be allowed to blog about them when they get home. When they’re ready, they let mommy know that it’s okay to move on to the grocery section and check out the organic produce. 

The democrats have their own version of the Tea Party, and they are every bit as demanding that things be done their way and their way only. And, no matter how often they get what they want, when they don’t, they not only throw a fit, they start the name calling. 

While progressives are busy saying that the Tea Party is inflexible and should accept “political realities” they are proving to be exactly the same. After Obama didn’t nominate Elizabeth Warren, instead of accepting political realities, the progressives called Obama a “coward.” 

No matter how much they get, and progressives have actually gotten quite a bit, SCHIP, DADT repealed, DOMA all but dead, hate crimes bill that included gays and lesbians, HCR**, financial reform, new emphasis by govt agencies on equal pay, Sotomayor and Kagen on the bench, student loan reform, the ending of hostilities and draw down in Iraq, the beginning of the draw down in Afghanistan, and a whole lot more, it’s never enough. In fact, it’s like none of it ever happened.  Because in progressives’ minds none of those things mattered. The only thing that matters to progressives is the shiny toy they wanted RIGHT NOW. And they didn’t get it. So, it’s fit throwing and name calling time again. 

This has been the case since day one.  Almost immediately after being sworn in, the demands from progressives started and then haven’t let up or even paused to reflect on all the toys that they did get that they wanted. The only thing progressives can see is the one thing they didn’t get today. So at the same time that they are mocking the republicans for holding “symbolic” votes in the house, progressives are demanding a completely symbolic fight over Elizabeth Warren. 

With “supporters” like progressives, President Obama doesn’t need the Tea Party.

*Democrats who can persuade other democrats to act and have some influence in the senate.
**Don’t start bitching about the lack of a public option in HCR. The blame for that lies solely at the feet of Harry Reid.