Matt-Man's 2014 Bucket List

Cheeeeeeeers and Happy New Year’s Eve to you all, you adorable Chuckleheads, you!!

It is indeed New Year’s Eve and you know what that means…

In addition to over imbibing, over eating, and having regretful post-stroke-of-midnight sex with somebody you wouldn’t have found attractive or even remotely likeable at 7 PM, we all make resolutions for the New Year!!

Well my friends, I am no different, but my resolutions are more of a Bucket List kinda thing for the year that lies ahead of us.  Following, is a list of what I want to do and/or accomplish during 2014.

1.  I am going to do my best to help Schmoop find a job whether she likes it or not.  Sorry Schmoop.

2.  I am going to look for a new job myself.  If I could find one that paid me enough to allow Schmoop to stay home, I would be a happy man.  I have never even remotely thought that way about any other woman in my life.

3.  I would like to get a CORPORATE sponsor for the IWS Radio Show.  Are we great show?  No.  Are we a pretty good show and website deserving of someone’s cash?  Yeah…and?  We’re usually Numero Uno. So, Ima gonna work on that.

4.  Sometime between June and September, I want to take a week off. Other than when I was in the hospital for a week in 2009 and unemployed for a couple of months in 2010, I haven’t had a week of real vacation since 2007.  The most I have gotten is two days off in row once every six-eight months.

5.  Considering the vacation thing and that I may assume a mild windfall of cash this year, I would like to take part of my week off and make a road trip to Redneckville, AR and finally in corporeal form, meet Jayman.

It would be an experience of a lifetime to go to Hudson’s “The People Pleasin’ Place” Grocery Store and Colton’s Restaurant with Jayman, and ultimately get thrown out of both establishments hand in hand.

6.  I would like to finally get divorced, annulled, and/or all-encompassingly dissoluted from my son’s mom. What the hell is up with that?  I know what it is, and I’ll explain it in Number 7.

7.  When and if Jayman and I make money on our show, the IWS Radio Corporation and monetary scale will be as so…Jayman CEO (50% of revenues), Schmoop CFO (49% of revenues), Matt-Man Bit Player (1% of revenues).  Don’t tell me that I’m not always thinkin’!!  Mommy Dearest will have no reason to still be married to me after that!!

8.  I am going to continue to be myself.  Some folks during the end of the year say things like, “I am going to be nicer.  More tolerant.”

Eh?  I am pretty nice, but I know that I am also a sarcastic asshole at times, and well, I like that.  It’s me, and I’m pretty good at it, so…I’m going to make sure that I remain that way.

9.  I am going to try Chocolate Almond Soy Milk……Ha!!  Yeah right.

10.  I am going to relax.  I may seem laid back and I am intellectually, but emotionally and in a physical sense, I never am.  Hell, I am already taking my shoes off more than usual, so, well…I am already making progress.

And in related news…Jayman and I did our first PRIMETIME IWS Radio Show this past Sunday and talked about stuff like this and it was a hoot!!

You should give it a listen…It will get you in the spirit of the New Year, and get your party preparations in high gear!!

Happy New Year, and Cheeeeeers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS
My Facebook Page       

2014: New Year, New Attitude! (Kinda)

Hola bitches! It’s almost 2014 and websites are out there giving everyone great advice on how to make this next year your best year EVAH! Here are some suggestions from a site called MindBodyGreen with my response in italics …

1. Let go of all thoughts that don't make you feel empowered and strong. … Okay

2. Let go of feeling guilty for doing what you truly want to do. … This one is aimed at Pee Wee Herman and Fred Willard.

3. Let go of the fear of the unknown; take one small step and watch the path reveal itself. … What about the known unknowns? Or the unknown knowns?

4. Let go of regrets; at one point in your life, that “whatever” was exactly what you wanted. … We’ll see.

5. Let go of worrying; worrying is like praying for what you don’t want. … What do you have against praying? Freaking atheist.

6. Let go of blaming anyone for anything; be accountable for your own life. If you don’t like something, you have two choices, accept it or change it. … LOL! Like that’s gonna happen.

7. Let go of thinking you are damaged; you matter, and the world needs you just as you are. … Oh now the whole damn world needs me? I can’t handle that level of stress!

8. Let go of thinking your dreams are not important; always follow your heart. … I recently dreamed that I clobbered Vladimir Putin with my mother’s walking cane.  

9. Let go of being the “go-to person” for everyone, all the time; stop blowing yourself off and take care of yourself first … because you matter. … I’m nobody’s “go-to person” and it hurts.

10. Let go of thinking everyone else is happier, more successful or better off than you. You are right where you need to be. Your journey is unfolding perfectly for you. … But, they ARE!

11. Let go of thinking there's a right and wrong way to do things or to see the world. Enjoy the contrast and celebrate the diversity and richness of life. … IT’S MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY BITCHES!

12. Let go of cheating on your future with your past. It’s time to move on and tell a new story. … Hey now! I’m no cheater!

13. Let go of thinking you are not where you should be. You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go. … I want to go to the strip club.

14. Let go of anger toward ex lovers and family. We all deserve happiness and love; just because it is over doesn’t mean the love was wrong. … Fuck them!

15. Let go of the need to do more and be more; for today, you've done the best you can, and that's enough. … This blog post is the very best I could do and it’s okay!

16. Let go of thinking you have to know how to make it happen; we learn the way on the way. … I don’t know how to make it happen, but I can make it rain at the strip club!

17. Let go of your money woes — make a plan to pay off debt and focus on your abundance. … But, I don't have any money woes because I don't have any money!!   

18. Let go of trying to save or change people. Everyone has her own path, and the best thing you can do is work on yourself and stop focusing on others. … Oh sure, become a selfish bastard!

19. Let go of trying to fit in and be accepted by everyone. Your uniqueness is what makes you outstanding. … You say “uniqueness” others say “creepiness.”

20. Let go of self-hate. You are not the shape of your body or the number on the scale. Who you are matters, and the world needs you as you are. Celebrate you! … But self-hate is what gets me out of bed in the mornings and is what drives me to be …. Well, ME!

Yeah, I’ll get right on that guys.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

IWS Person of the Week...Jay, Matt, and the Team IWS Radio

We here at IWS Radio feel the need to honor ourselves today for two reasons.

1.  Because we make our jump into PRIMETIME radio tonight from 8-10 PM ET, and...

2.  Because we can.

So c'mon folks join the fun and frivolity LIVE tonight from 8-10 PM ET as Jay and Matt look back at 2013 and look ahead to 2014 as IWS Radio presents 2014: Bigger and Stoopider.

It's going to be a barrel of laughs and remember as Phil Robertson says... 

"If  you don't listen to IWS Radio, you're going straight to hell."

So join us LIVE TONIGHT from 8-10 PM ET

To listen and catch all of the IWS Radio magic LIVE,

CLICK HERE.

Matt Said Jay Said Amy Adams is Hot

Matt hustles, Jay bustles and You rustle …

Matt: Yo
Jay: Hola
Matt: What’s up?
Jay: Not much. How do I sound?
Matt: Wait! Don’t speak yet.
Jay: Wha…
Matt: Shhhhhhhhhhhh
Jay: Why?
Matt: The prep session isn’t being recorded yet.
Jay: I know, but we can ..
Matt: DON’T SAY ANYTHING FUNNY YET!
Jay: Oh I won’t, don’t worry.
Matt: Let’s wait until the recording starts just in case.
Jay: Okay.

*BEEEEEP* *BLOGTALKRADIO* 

Matt: Okay then! What’s up?
Jay: Oh nothing, how do I sound?
Matt: You’re clear but … not really an echo …
Jay: Do I sound like I’m in a room with no furniture?
Matt: Exactly!
Jay: I’m experimenting with my new microphone.
Matt: Ohhhhhhhhh … Well it sounds really clear.
Jay: Cool beans!

Matt: How was Christmas?
Jay: It was very nice. How was yours?
Matt: It was most excellent.
Jay: Well that’s great to hear. How was the Mac & Beef?
Matt: Freaking delicious! How was the steak?
Jay: Succulent.
Matt: That’s great. Schmoop is hung over.
Jay: Awwww. Poor Schmoop.
Matt: She’ll be okay.
Jay: She’s better than “okay” she is alright!
Matt: Damn right she is!
Jay: How are the New Balances?
Matt: I’m walking on clouds Jayman!
Jay: Are the comfy enough to sleep in?
Matt: No, I don’t do that, but..
Schmoop: You did yesterday!
Matt: Well, yeah I took a little nap with them on yesterday.
Jay: And when you woke up your feet felt refreshed, right?
Matt: Very!

Jay: Sooooo what are we talking about this week?
Matt: Well, it’s the show before New Year’s so I guess that’s it?
Jay: That makes sense.
Matt: We like to make sense on IWS.
Jay: Totally. We can make predictions for 2014.
Matt: And celebrity death pool!
Jay: Of course!
Matt: And maybe some resolutions.
Jay: Maybe a little look back on 2013.
Matt: And then talk about how awesome 2014 will be!
Jay: Hell yeah! Positive radio!
Matt: Paul Piatt has some thoughts on that.
Jay: As does the Rev Moneymaker.
Matt: Well I would think so. You know what we could do?
Jay: What’s that?
Matt: We could swap characters for a week.
Jay: Okay. Like which ones.
Matt: Well, you could be Guy Ahnyurdyck?
Jay: Ha! And you could be Drew Peacock!
Matt: Awwwwwww yeahhhhhhhhh!
Schmoop: Oh God!
Jay: It’s brilliant!
Matt: That’s Schmoop’s seal of approval.
Jay: Oh and I believe we’ll have Smugly Superior Dana too!
Matt: Sweeeeeeeeet!
Jay: Damn, this is gonna be pretty HUGE!
Matt: God only knows what else we’ll come up with.
Jay: Our creative brilliance knows no bounds.
Matt: It better not, cause we’re moving to PRIME TIME BABY!
Jay: IKR?! We’re ready!
Matt: We better be!
Jay: We’re not afraid of the bright lights.
Matt: We’ll rise to the occasion.
Jay: 2014 is gonna be huge
Matt: IWS Radio Bigger …
Jay: AND STOOPIDER!
Matt: There we go!
Jay: Let’s do this!  

Okay then! Be sure to check out “IWS Radio 2014: Bigger andStoopider” Sunday at 8 PM ET!! Note the time change! Prime Time baby!!!

IWS Radio IS Ready for Primetime!!

Happy Friday, Second Day of Kwanzaa, and National Fruitcake Day to one and all, and I hope that
everyone reading this, had a wonderful time celebrating the birth of the Holy Baby Jeebus this week.

I know I did.  I spent Christmas Eve at my brother Marty’s house and my son was actually there, and he had a present for ME.  It’s true!!

It was a Christmas miracle, and really?

The entire evening there was quite fun, because unlike many families, me and my brothers and sisters, get along pretty well.  But you know what I told my son Ryno Christmas Eve because I found it to be somewhat disturbing?

When I am with my brothers, even at six feet tall, I am the shortest Mahoney man in the room.  Hey, I know I was the baby of the family, but Mom and Dad, could you have spared an inch or two for me?

Wait…That didn't sound right, did it? Oh well, and anyhoo…

I, and certainly Jayman as well, hope that all of you gorgeous miscreants had a delightful Christmas.

Religious affiliation (or not) and/or whatever type of observances that you may or may not have had aside, Christmas is a great touchstone and catalyst for having fun with friends, family, and the ones whom you love.

Unless of course you send a very dear friend a picture of hot dog to their Facebook page as a token of Christmas joy and they end up deleting your wiener.  That right there is just plain, hurtful bullshit, but I digress, but I may discuss this issue further this Sunday on the IWS Radio Show, which by the way…

Is going PRIMETIME!!

Dat’s right Bitches!!  IWS Radio is going to be airing LIVE THIS SUNDAY from 8-10 PM ET, and probably will have that same time slot for at least 10-12 weeks.

Y’see?  The President and CEO of Blog Talk Radio Alan Levy approached Jay and I about going to a primetime slot because in his words…

“Primetime in the winter on BTR really slows down.  It has no pizzazz.  We need you guys….We need the IWS Radio team…We need you guys to be the straw that stirs the BTR primetime drink.”

So…I begged Drive-By Mikey to allow me to work the Beer Mine seven days a week, so that I would be sober at 8 PM ET on Sundays in order to do the show and help Alan Levy out.

Mikey put up a struggle, but he acquiesced and said to me…

“As much as I enjoy working Sundays, if you do an 8 PM show on a day that you are off, you won’t be able to dial in to the switchboard let alone talk coherently on the air.  Don’t get all gushy and thank me, but Sundays are all yours from now on Matt-Man.”

And there you have it.

So…Join us LIVE this Sunday from 8-10 PM ET as we go primetime and look back on 2013 and look ahead to 2014 during the IWS Radio 2014: Bigger and Stoopider show.

Me, Jay, Guy Ahnyurdyck, Rev. Moneymaker, Drew Peacock, Dana, Malcolm Eckstein, and a host of others will be on hand to celebrate the New Year and Kwanzaa!!

To join us LIVE this Sunday, you can click HERE.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Christmas Fun and Games

Holaaaaaaaaaaaaa! It’s Christmas Eve and we’re all really busy with last minute shopping, cooking and family fun. Before things get out of hand though, IWS Radio has a couple of pretty fun audios for your enjoyment. If you listened to “Holly Jolly Festivus” this week, then you heard both of these. If you didn’t, then SHAME ON YOU!! I mean, then here’s your chance to check out some of the jocularity you missed!

First we have Santa Claus doing his standup comedy routine for us.

Next, we’ve got the IWS Players (Paul Piatt, Bobby Kraft, Dixie Ozark, Malcolm Eckstein, Made in Canada Jamie, Dusty Sandman and Stubby Stonehenge) performing “Twas the Night Before Christmas.”

Thank you to everyone out there who has supported IWS Radio and listened and read our blog! We love each and every one of you guys! Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Fucking Christmas!! It's Music That Matters

It’s Christmas week and I feel like takin’ care of the lack of messages that I am getting from my son….

So let’s play some music that reminds me of my brothers who have passed:

First up, my brother John.  John and I rarely interacted until late in his life, because only then did we acknowledge that we were as smart as each other, and it was at my brother Steve’s wedding that John requested this:



And then of course, my brother Phil.  My brother Phil was going to change the world, but in the meantime, he was always betting on a particular racehorse and chicks who dug folk music:



And then unexpectedly, my brother Vince passed on this past Summer, and he was the one that lo those 30 years ago turned me onto The Cars:



The odd thing about my kid not giving a damn about me?  I don’t care that much any longer.

I love him to death, but really, as much as I would like him to like me, I don't have time to dwell on that...Just ask my brothers, 'cause well, they're dead.

But in other news, Jayman and I kicked ass celebrating the Holy Baby Jesus yesterday on Blog Talk Radio, If I'm a lyin' I'm a dyin', so check it out

Discover Comedy Internet Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
@mattmaniws
My Facebook Page

Person of the Week: Jesus Christ!

IWS Radio is proud to announce that our Person of the Week is the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, the Prince of Peace himself …. Jesus Christ!!

Jesus was born a really long time ago in Bethlehem (or Nazarene or Galilee or whatever) sometime between early fall and late spring, but we celebrate his birthday on December 25^th!!

Jesus was a great guy who liked to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable. He turned water into wine then got drunk and tipped over the bingo tables and drove out the money changers. Then he went and hung out with the strippers and hookers and other sinners. (Just like Jayman does!)

He is also the all-time Hide-and-Seek champion of the WORRLLLLLLDDDD!

So, from all us here at IWS Radio, a very sincere and heartfelt Happy Birthday Jesus!!!

Don’t forget to join us for a Holly Jolly Festivus as we continue to celebrate Christmas and throw in a little Festivus at 12 Noon ET on IWS Radio!!!

Matt Said, Jay Said...White Santa Said!!

Cheeeeeeeeeers and Ho Ho Hooooooooooola!!

White Santa here in order to hijack the typical Saturday IWS Radio edition of Matt Said, Jay Said, and turn it into, Santa Said!!

Is there a problem with me doing that just a few days before Christmas?  I make lists and name names y’know…

Okay then…I didn't think you would mind.

Let me tell you folks…Jay and Matt are going to be putting on a spectacular IWS Radio Christmas Show tomorrow.

They are going to be celebrating Christmas as it was intended to be celebrated…lots of laughs, friendly banter, hospitality, great music, and non-stop hilarity that will shine brighter than my franken-reindeer Rudolph’s nose.

Ho Ho Ho.  And as a special bonus…

Jay and Matt have promised me, that for each and every person who listens LIVE, a blind dog will get the gift of sight, and Sarah Palin and Sean Hannity will shut the fuck up about that duck fucking, Jim Crow-Loving puddle of primordial goo who has for whatever reason, captured the attention and admiration of much of a nation.

In addition to that, if you call in at 661.244.9852 and are funny and/or otherwise nice to them, you may get a sugar plum.

But Santa, you ask…Why should I listen?

Let me tell you why, my wonderfully thus far, behaved boys and girls…

Tomorrow’s,  Have a Holly Jolly Festivus radio show (which airs LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET) is chock full of comedy, Christmas readings, music, and dozens of well-wishes from the vast and diverse worldwide audience that Jay and Matt who for reasons unexplained, have captured over the years.

And yeah…

They may even mention the Holy Baby Jesus.  In fact, in addition to the sexy Trinity of Jay, Matt, and the Holy Baby Jesus…

Kirk Douglas, Bobby Kraft, Dixie Ozark, Schmoop, Slyder Balzcock, Paul Piatt, Malcolm Eckstein, Jamie, Buddy Acapella, Stubby Stonehenge, and among others, yours truly…Santa Claus are scheduled to appear.

Tomorrow from Noon-2 PM ET, don’t lazily saunter to your computer, drink a cup of hot chocolate and RUN to your computer, EMBRACE your computer, and click onto, and participate in the IWS Radio Show on Blog Talk Radio.

If you don’t…You are going to be on Santa’s naughty list.  And?

Dozens of dogs will remain blind and Sean Hannity will be having oral sex with Sarah Palin, and really?

Who needs to see and/or know about that?

To listen to the IWS Radio Have a Holly Jolly Festivus Show from Noon-2 PM ET click HERE!!

Phil Robertson Can Suck It!

Holaaaaaaaaaaaa! So, today has been a pretty shocking day. Too many more of these and I might look for a cave to go live in far away from society.  It all started this morning when I got up and began reading some stunning news.

It turns out that some old cracker who lives way back in the woods in Louisiana thinks gays are an abomination and recalls the good old days of Jack Crow laws before that pesky Civil Rights Act fondly.  I AM STUPIFIED! Who woulda thunk it? (BTW, if you haven’t read the article by Drew Magary, do so. It’s excellent.)

Well, don’t worry folks, I’m sure Sarah Palin fresh off her demands that MSNBC fire Martin Bashir for saying gross things about her will explain to us all that freedom of speech doesn’t mean that media companies have to just let their on air talent be assholes, right? RIGHT?

Uh, whatever. No biggie. The Ivy League educated governor of Louisiana Bobby Jindal will probably put out an intelligent statement that will help stop this from becoming an all-day outragathon. Here it is …

“Phil Robertson and his family are great citizens of the State of Louisiana. The politically correct crowd is tolerant of all viewpoints, except those they disagree with. I don’t agree with quite a bit of stuff I read in magazine interviews or see on TV," Jindal said. "In fact, come to think of it, I find a good bit of it offensive. But I also acknowledge that this is a free country and everyone is entitled to express their views. In fact, I remember when TV networks believed in the First Amendment. It is a messed up situation when Miley Cyrus gets a laugh, and Phil Robertson gets suspended."

Wut? It’s wrong that Phil Robertson was suspended from Duck Dynasty because Miley Cyrus? That’s pretty much the stupidest fucking thing I’ve heard all year. God! I’m so glad we live in a country where nobody, no matter their political leanings, will pick up that idiotic analogy and run with it, right? RIGHT? *does quick search on Twitter for Phil Robertson Miley Cyrus*

Welp. Okay, whatever guys. I’m sure that the folks on the left will deal with this issue in a serious, mature and eloquent manner, right? RIGHT?

What the hell is wrong with everyone? Why do we as a nation have to lose our shit every single time something like this happens? A&E didn’t violate Phil Robertson’s 1^st Amendment rights! He has no right to a TV show. A&E suspended him because they were afraid that advertisers would get nervous and it would cost them money. You know, the “free market?”  The same “free market” that forced MSNBC to fire Martin Bashir and Alec Baldwin.

Did A&E overreact? Probably. It’s pretty doubtful that there are very many people watching Duck Dynasty who don’t agree with Phil on these things. The people who don’t agree with him will probably keep watching because they like the show. Hell, the publicity from this will probably cause ratings and advertising rates to INCREASE. (It’s almost as if that is what they were aiming for!)

Anyway, I hope people have calmed down by tomorrow cause I’m getting tired of seeing all this crap about Duck Dynasty on my timelines on Facebook and Twitter. I swear if someone could make an outrage pill I could sell it on a street corner and be as rich as Phil Robertson in no time. That shit makes people go longer and harder than any HGH, crack, meth or Viagra ever could.

Besides, I have much more important things to lose my shit over. I found out today that our local KFC has closed! OH THE HUMANITY!!!!

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Matt's Best and Worst of Christmas

Cheeeeeers and Ho Ho Ho Chuckleheads!!  It’s Christmas time and that means that now would be a good time for me to do a list of my favorite and least favorite things about Christmas, just as the uber-hot Jayman did yesterday.

Best Movies:
1.  White Christmas
2.  A Christmas Story
3.  The Bishop’s Wife (1947 Cary Grant, David Niven, Loretta Young)
4.  Christmas Vacation
5.  Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (So awful, it’s awesome)

Worst Movies:
1.  The Santa Clause
2.  Christmas with the Kranks
3.  Jack Frost
4.  Santa Claus The Movie (1985 Dudley Moore)
5.  It’s a Wonderful Life

Best Music:
1.  White Christmas  (Bing Crosby)
2.  O Come All Ye Faithful (Latin version Adeste Fidelis)
3.  O Holy Night
4.  Christmas Canon (Manheim Steamroller)
5.  Little Drummer Boy (Dolores O’Riordan/The Cranberries)

Worst Music:
1.  I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas
2.  The Christmas Shoes
3.  Wonderful Christmas Time (Sir Paul Fucking McCartney)
4.  All I Want for Christmas is You (Mariah Carey)
5.  Billy’s Christmas Wish (Red Sovine)

Best Traditions:
1.  Lights and Decorations
2.  Wassailing
3.  Making fun of Christians who celebrate the Holy Baby Jesus by adorning people they hate, with gifts.
4.  Christmas Eve at my Brother Marty’s house with the family.
5.  Eating, drinking, and listening to Christmas music with Schmoop on Christmas Day.

Worst Traditions:
1.  Christmas Family Newsletter (no changing Jayman’s #1 on that one)
2.  The Phony War on Christmas
3.  Black Friday
4.  At the in-laws, having EACH and EVERY PERSON OPEN ONE PRESENT AT A TIME!!
5.  NBA Basketball

Best Goodies:
1.  Green, Red, and Silver Hershey Kisses.
2.  Schuler’s Donuts
3.  My brother Denny’s Christmas Eve chili.
4.  Homemade decorated sugar cookies.
5.  Sugar Plums!!

Worst Goodies:
1.  Eggnog  (Good call Jayman!!)
2.  Those chocolate candies what with the maple filling.
3.  Mince Fucking Meat
4.  Fruit Cake
5.  Cheese Balls Covered in Nuts.  (C’mon…simply use Cheese, Dried Beef, and end it.)

Best General Christmas Stuff:  Hangin’ out with Schmoop, partying Christmas Eve with my family, delighting in the fact that Alyssa Milano retweeted Jayman, and stiffin’ the bell ringer outside of Wal*Mart.

Worst General Christmas Stuff:  Phonies who proclaim that Jesus is the reason for the season all the while “consumerzing”, ratings driven shout outs to our troops by the media, and the fear, dread, and worry that people feel over the fact that they may not have bought somebody the “right thing” in honor of the Holy Baby Jeebus’ made up birth date.

Perhaps, if we are truly Christians or decent people in general, we would be better served by replacing His Birthday with Sermon on the Mount Day.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Jay's Best and Worst of Christmas

Hola and Ho Ho Ho y’all! It’s Christmastime and that means now would be a good time for me to do a list of my favorite and least favorite things about Christmas.

Best Movies:

1. “Scrooge” the musical w/ Albert Finney as Scrooge.
2. “Scrooged”
3. Miracle on 34^th Street (1947 version w/ Natalie Wood)
4. A Christmas Story
5. A Muppet Christmas Carol

Worst Movies:

1. The Santa Clause
2. I’ll Be Home for Christmas
3. It’s a Wonderful Life
4. Deck the Halls
5. Jack Frost

Best Music:

1. “All I Want for Christmas is You” – Mariah Carey
2. “White Christmas” – Bing Crosby
3. “The Things We Did Last Summer” – Dean Martin
4. Silent Night
5. “Santa Baby” but only the version performed by Aunt Jackie for IWS

Worst Music:

1. "Jingle Bell Rock"
2. "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree"
3. "Blue Christmas"
4. "Wonderful Christmas Time – Paul McCartney"
5. "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"

Best Traditions:

1. NBA Christmas Day Games
2. Lights and Decorations
3. Caroling
4. Christmas Open House Parties
5. Special Christmas Episodes of TV shows and Christmas Music Specials

Worst Traditions:

1. Christmas Family Newsletter
2. Christmas Sweaters
3. Door-to-Door Christmas Solicitors (And Phone)
4. Black Friday
5. Silly gift giving games like “pass the present” or “white elephant”

Best Goodies:

1. Fudge
2. Cookies
3. Cranberry Bread
4. Candy Canes
5. Peanut Brittle

Worst Goodies:

1. Egg Nog
2. Pumpkin Pie
3. Pecan Pie
4. Fruit Cake
5. Tofurkey

Best General Christmas Stuff: Just the happy feelings and love and camaraderie you feel this time of year. Plus all goodwill towards man, charity and feelings of community.

Worst General Christmas Stuff: The fact that all that goodwill doesn’t last and all the miserable, grumpy Grinches and Grinchettes out there who try to bring everyone down and ruin our good time and fun. Assholes.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Job Training Partnership Act

Cheeeeeeeeeeers and Happy Tuesday to you all!!

I know that there are many of you out there who have recently been laid-off, let go, and/or otherwise downsized from your jobs as we enter this festive time of year, and to you all, I say God Bless, and I hope you still have some semblance of a happy holiday season, however…

I can neither faintly nor remotely begin to describe the sadness of your holiday-time layoff, but I can describe the layoff that is affecting me.

And that layoff involves my BFF/OSP, Schmoop who was recently callously and hurtfully terminated just last week.

Her layoff burns me to the core as I know how sensitive she is.  I try not to cry, but I witnessed her giving of herself for nearly thirteen years as office manager to the company for which she worked, and I know how devastated she is.

Sure…I could temporarily cajole my darling Schmoop with a peck on the cheek, an occasional atta boy, and words of, “It’ll be alright.”

But…

If I do truly love her, the best way to help her is to get her post-partum layoff mind off of the, “stinkin’ thinkin’” and put her to work…allow her to develop new job skills, and…give her a sense of self-worth.

So…I figure I could set some daily chores for her as she begins her journey toward re-employment, all the while helping her to develop new skills.

Painting is a good profession and one that will always have a market. I noticed recently that our bathroom and kitchen could use a fresh coat of paint.  Schmoop could develop scraping off the old paint and applying the new paint skills by scraping off the walls and stroking up a fresh, friendly coat of paint upon the walls of both rooms.

Being a good cook is also a well paid trade that will always be in demand.  Perhaps Schmoop could learn not to just re-heat things, but delve deeper into honing her nascent culinary skills, by cooking a handmade and homemade breakfast, lunch, and dinner for me every damn day.  After all, repetition is a good teacher!!

Schmoop does have a nice voice.  She could always become a stay-at-home phone sex operator.  We had a former phone sex line chick on our radio show two weeks ago, and she was telling stories of receiving blank checks from her clientele.

Which leads me to another line of work Schmoop could look into…

Philanthropist.

When and if Schmoop received blank checks from her potential and aforementioned phone sex customers, she could then hand the checks over to me knowing full well that it is better to give than receive.

I could then use that money to invest in my our future leaving Schmoop time to no longer worry about money, and instead focus on honing her skills as a Geisha Girl, a massage therapist, and naked vacuuming. And I?

I would be her helpful and dutiful test case the entire time, offering encouragement, compassion, and critical suggestions on how to become better at all of those things.

So there you go…

While it is through the hurt on Schmoop’s behalf that I type this jobs training program, I suffer through it, because I love her so damn much and long for her to be the best Schmoop that she can be.

The road back to employability won’t be easy for Schmoop, but doggone it…

I’m going to make sure that both of us don’t suffer along the way.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_IWS
My Facebook Page 

Just Partying with Celebrities and Shit

Hola all you wild and crazy people. Man, the Holidays are a really busy time of year. This last week has been the busiest week of my life! I was all over the place! Check out my last week …

It all started last Sunday when Miley Cyrus came over to hang out, sing Christmas carols and twerk. We had a great time and it really got me into the Christmas spirit.

On Monday night I had to attend some silly charity event with Hayden Panetierre. It was a nice evening but I’m not much for these really formal affairs. Anyway, I got through it and didn’t do or say anything to embarrass Hayden who seemed to have a good time. Really sweet girl.

On Wednesday morning Adrianne Curry said she heard a noise outside of her house, but it turned out it was just me coming over to see what was up. I hadn’t talked to Adrianne in a whiel and thought maybe she would like to make some Christmas cookies or something. Sorry babe, didn’t mean to startle you or anything. Thanks for not calling the cops on me.

Thursday night was yet another stuffy, formal gathering with a bunch of hipsters. Seriously, if Keira Knightley wasn’t so much fun to hang out with, this would have been a super boring night. Keira saved the day though with her charm and great sense of humor. Also, we enjoyed several glasses of white wine.

Friday night things got really awkward. Taylor Swift called me up and wanted to go out and have a good time. And let me tell ya folks, Taylor is a GOOD TIME! Damn, she is a wild and crazy partier. I don’t know why she can’t be a little more calm and predictable like Miley, but I guess we are who we are. It was still a nice evening, I guess.

Finally I was right back where it all started yesterday afternoon singing Christmas carols and enjoying the beauty of the season. This time I was hanging out with the more age-appropriate Lauren Graham. She’s is so freaking cool. And HAWT! I’ll just leave it at that and let you use your imagination as to what all might have happened.

So, as you can see this last week has worn me out! I’ll probably already be visiting snoozerville when this post goes live and I’m definitely gonna relax a bit this week if I can.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

In other news it was yet another EPIC episode of IWS Radio yesterday! We held our annual Office Christmas Party and we had a HUGE crowd! First, Mike called in to let us know that BTR wasn’t working properly and we appreciated that very much. Then we had a brilliant performance of “Santa Baby” by Aunt Jackie, followed by bringing her onto the show to hang out with us. Damn, she’s sweet and charming. Our Canadian Bureau Chief Jamie gave us a report from up north and then hung out with also. As if that wasn’t enough RockDog, Brown Beasely and of course Schmoop were also there!!! It was pandemonium people! You should definitely check this show out and tell all your friends! 

More Comedy Podcasts at Blog Talk Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

The IWS Person of the Week: Black Santa

After having his very real and imaginary existence being ridiculed, rejected, and otherwise scoffed and disbelieved this week, Black Santa is here to show you that he is very real and the IWS Person of the Week as well...

Oh sure...Megyn Kelly, the latest, prime time, right-wing Fox News ratings whore emphatically stated this week, that Santa is a white man...

Unfortunately for her and her Christmas stocking, joyful Black Santa has nothing but an angry finger of "Oh no you dint" and a lump of coal...

Hell, Black Santa even has a Black Mrs. Claus...He married a former 70's TV star who feigned her own death so she could marry and live in snow laden luxury with her magical Black Santa man...

Black Santa has even given the okay to re-release an old album about him and his life in order to set the record straight...

It's such a shame that Black Santa has to go through all of this in order to correct the flippant and uncorroborated words of one Megyn Kelly, especially during the Christmas Season, but...

Black Santa will continue to travel the globe this Christmas as he always does and leave something for everyone, except for her.  When she doesn't realize why her stocking is empty Christmas morning, don't tell her.  Let her figure it out on her own...

Annnnnnnnnd while Megyn Kelly will soon be wallowing in her Christmas grief, Jay, Matt, and the entire IWS Radio staff are having their IWS Radio Office Christmas Party 2013 today LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET!!

Sex, hilarity, gift giving, layoffs, and yuletide debauchery will be taking place from our offices in Arkansas, Ohio, and Canada.

It's going to be a HUGE show.  So HUGE, that the Blog Talk Radio staff has picked it as one of their Best of the Week.

So listen LIVE, and as always, feel free to participate by calling in at 661.244.9852.

To join the fun and frivolity LIVE, CLICK HERE!!

Matt Said, Jay Said Party Time

Matt decks the halls, Jay jingles his bells, You come a wassailing.

Matt: Hello?
Jay: Yoooooooooooooooo!
Matt: Are you okay?
Jay: It’s been a rough week man.
Matt: Damn right it has.
Jay: Busy as hell.
Matt: Brutal!
Jay: But, totally worth it.
Matt: Maybe?
Jay: Well, we were the special guest stars in Agent Rat’s video

  

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

Matt: That was a lot of fun.
Jay: I always thought Furries were freaks, but that was cool.
Matt: Gotta keep an open mind.
Jay: Always.
Matt: And our new movie is out!
Jay: Right! American Hustle! We star with Amy Adams, Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper. 

Matt: What an amazing cast!
Jay: Lots and talent right there.
Matt: Everyone was strictly professional too.
Jay: That’s why it’s such a great film.
Matt: True dat.
Jay: We should do a 70’s show sometime
Matt: That would be pretty cool.
Jay: We’ll do the whole show high on cocaine.
Matt: And listening to Disco.
Jay: That would be good radio right there.
Matt: Probably.

Jay: You know what WAS great radio?

Matt: Candice the Phone Sex Girl?
Jay: Damn right!
Matt: That show was HAWT!
Jay: Candice did NOT disappoint!
Matt: No she didn’t!

Jay: We need to do something fun this week.
Matt: Every week is fun on IWS.
Jay: I mean have a big blowout!
Matt: Maybe let off some steam?
Jay: Yeah! Maybe a party!
Matt: An Office Christmas Party??
Jay: This would be a great time of year for one too!
Matt: Good point!
Jay: We can tell stories of Christmas parties past.
Matt: And maybe give out some gifts to people.
Jay: And hear from some of our correspondents.
Matt: Nobody even knows where Guy is.
Jay: Maybe we should put out an APB on him.
Matt: Father Limerick will be there.
Jay: You know Bobby Kraft will too!
Matt: Free food means Slyder Ballzcock shows up!
Jay: And Santa Claus has a new comedy routine!
Matt: I heard he was out on the road again.
Jay: Yeah, he’s getting back into… BREAKING NEWS!
Matt: What???!!!
Jay: I’ve just been informed that a special guest will perform Santa Baby!
Matt: Oh man! That’s hot!
Jay: She’s freaking awesome.
Matt: Gotta tune in to find out who it is!
Jay: And! We’re being featured by BTR this week.
Matt: The pressure is on!
Jay: It’s party time!
Matt: Woo-Hooo!!!! We’re gonna eat, drink and be merry!  

So, be sure to tune into “Office Christmas Party 2013” at 12 Noon ET on IWS Radio!!

Yes Megyn Kelly There is a Black Santa Claus, And An Asian One, And So On...

Cheeeeeeers and Happy Friday the 13th to you all!!

I am getting really excited as I always do this time year, because there are only twelve days until my white Santa Claus brings me presents in honor of the white Baby Jesus.

Holy Christmas my friends…along with white Santa, and white Jesus, there is snow on the ground here as well.  The whiteness abounds!!

It’s no wonder White Christmas sung by Bing Crosby is such a big holiday hit.  Irving Berlin was a master of Search Engine Optimization back in the days of telegrams, phone operators, and something really fancy called air mail, and he knew how to capitalize on the whiteness of the holiday season.

However much to my chagrin yesterday, I learned that some non-Santa Colored Skin chick named Aisha Harris wrote a piece for Slate.com stating that she would prefer, that in order to embrace all of the world’s different cultures, Santa not be white, not be a man, but rather, be a Santa Penguin.

Well bar the door to white Santa’s Factory because Ms. Harris’ editorial really set the slowly grinding gears of Megyn Kelly’s quasi-legal mind into full indictment.

Legal SHEagle Megyn Kelly after citing parts of Ms. Harris’ article, responded on her FOX News show this past Wednesday…

“For you kids watching at home; Santa just is white. But this person is arguing that maybe we should also have a black Santa…Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean it has to change. You know, I mean, Jesus was a white man, too.”

Ha…First of all, when I read Ms. Harris’ piece, and then heard a clip from Megyn Kelly’s show, I laughed my ass off for the same reason that Ezra Klein did, and to paraphrase him…

Megyn Kelly profoundly claims that the imaginary present-giving man who commands flying reindeer is white.

Ha!!  This is what America has become.  I mean, I would expect this type of debate within the “hallowed” halls of the House of Representatives, but among normal, everyday American people?

And yes, I know this argument and/or titanic race debate of Santa was promulgated by some chick writing on Slate and a dullard with cute hair and no soul on FOX, but Americans on both sides are eating it up and weighing in.  Including yours truly, however…

I am weighing in to say…I find it stupefying that there is a debate and WAR now raging about the physical make-up of an imaginary man,  but I find it more mind boggling that no one has asked me to settle the imaginary feud over the imaginary man that is Santa.

You see…

Santa is white…Santa is also black…He is also Asian…He is Mexican…He is a single black mother.  He is a single white dad.  Santa is a waitress with three kids, and she is a woman who has adopted a kid along with her female spouse.

Santa is a southern boy from Arkansas, a sarcastic bastard from Ohio, and the homeless man or woman who opened the door for you at the department store today so you could go in first, do your shopping, and they could follow you in and warm up before they went to sleep outside.

So to Aisha Harris and Megyn Kelly, you both are wrong.  Santa comes in a myriad of different skin colors, gestures, and Christmas wrappings.

Santa is an attitude…a fictional, yet joyful personification of hope, and an inspiration to all people for but mere moments during the calendar year.

And seriously…when that Christmas joy, fun, and happiness happens in the blink of an eye, do you really care or even remember what color Santa was?

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Interpreting Pope Francis

Hola all ye faithful! Pope Francis was named Time’s Person of the Year this week and deservedly so! What a great first year this guy has had huh? I bet Barack Obama is insanely jealous. I’m still a little skeptical even though I do admit that compared to Pope Bennie and the Jets, Pope Yo Frank-EEEEEEEEEE! has been a real breath of fresh air. Then again, just about anyone is going to look good next to that Nazi!  

One of the things I like about the Popesterino is that he has said a lot of things that have pissed off a lot of people that I enjoy seeing pissed off. He’s got Rush Limbaugh calling him a Marxist and Bill O’Reilly longing for the days of John Paul II whom he called “insane.” For that alone he deserves consideration for “Person of the Year.” But, what was he REALLY saying when he made these comments? Let me interpret them for you.

“Be shepherds with the smell of your sheep, in the midst of your people like Jesus the Good Shepherd.”

I’m guessing that he’s telling people to keep their sheep heard downwind from their neighbors. Sheep are pretty stinky and you don’t want to sit down at the dinner table and have it ruined by smelling that stank! He also might be telling people “Hey! You CHOSE to be a shepherd so no bitching about the smell buddy.”

“If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?”

This one made a lot of liberals really happy and Sarah Palin cry, but the media didn’t report the second part of that quote. Turns out the Pope answered his own question. “I’ll tell you who I am to judge, I’M THE POPE BITCHES! I can judge anyone anytime I want and you can’t do a damn thing about it. Judge Judy can’t do that. Judge Wapner can’t either. Only I can. Why? Because I’m in-freaking-fallible, that’s why!”

“What is it that I expect as consequence of World Youth Day? I want a mess. We knew that in Rio there would be disorder, but I want trouble in the diocese.”

Dude, I really don’t think anyone in the church should be talking about “youths” “messes” and “the diocese.”  That’s what caused the Catholic Church so much trouble over the last decade or so. Probably a good idea to just ignore that stuff and move on.

“A church without women would be like the apostolic college without Mary. The Madonna is more important than the apostles, and the church herself is feminine, the spouse of Christ and a mother.”

So all you uppity bitches just STFU about this equality crap and wanting women to be priests, aight? Sheesh! What more do you people want from me? Get back into the kitchen and make your man a sandwich and then you two go make a bunch of little Catholics. Do your damn job!

“There’s a lot of talk about the Gay Lobby, but I’ve never seen it on the Vatican ID card.”

Hey-OOOOOOOOOOO!

“We must meet one another doing good. ‘But, I don’t believe Father, I am an Atheist.’ But do good: we will meet one another there.”

Where will you meet? Through a glory hole? A dark alley where your boys might grab the Atheist and throw him in a van and haul him off to a reeducation camp? I hope so cause that would be some bad ass ninja shit for the Pope to be doing.

“St. Peter committed one of the greatest sins, denying Christ and yet they made him Pope. Think about that.”

Uhhhh …. I really have no freaking idea what he’s talking about here. I guess he’s just throwing shade at one of his predecessors.  

I hope we all understand Pope Francis just a little better now. It’s important to not just listen to his words, but to really analyze them and figure out what they mean. Also, congrats on your big award Pope Francis. I’m sure you’ll make a big deal about not accepting it and be all head down and humble about it and shit.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Christmas Time Layoffs Suck

“Fire and damnation! Don't they know that I'm trying to run a business here?"

--Scrooge

Well hail and welcome to the Christmas Season one and all.

Two weeks plus one day until we celebrate the birth of the Holy Baby Jeebus and/or shallowly shower each other with lead based gifts from China and gift cards to Subway.

Kidding, kidding, of course.  I love Christmas.  I’m Father Christmas…I am Matt-Man Christmas.

I know…I may have sounded sarcastic just then, but I really do love Christmas, because it is, religious affiliation aside, fun time with family and friends no matter what your denomination or liturgical proclivity.

However…

My Red and Green Christmas has just suffered a Black Eye, because after twelve and a half years of being “The Girl Friday”, my BFF/OSP, Schmoop, has been callously laid off by one Bill “Scrooge” Pence.

That’s right…

Last year at this time as Schmoop spent seven hours on a gutting table in order to remove a uncooperative bile duct by a trained physician, she now spends this Christmas getting her soul ripped out by a man who couldn't wait three weeks to lay her off and by the way, he smells like onions.

Ol’ Scrooge Pence was, and is probably saying…

“Merry Fucking Christmas Schmoop…You were my sidekick, gate-keeper, and confidante for nearly thirteen years, but it is time for me to have you gunned down like my Lenin to your Trotsky.  Sorry I couldn't tell you while you were at work today that you were laid-off, I wanted to wait and call you when you got home”

Feliz Navidad and Blammo!!

I will be attending Schmoop’s official firing today, and you know why?

Bill “Scrooge” Pence and his know-it-all Grandson VP who probably just received a raise, think they can get one pass the Schmoopster.

Little do they know the love I have for Schmoop, the knowledge I have of labor laws, or the power of IWS Radio to critically fuck them up.

You know what’s sad?

I hope that today…Schmoop gets her last paycheck from there; he hands her a signed letter of termination, and then she can apply for unemployment, and we move on.

But you know what?

He will add insult to injury by somehow tying things up, delaying it, or otherwise making a mess of things.

And if he does?

I hope you will join us this Sunday during our IWS Radio Office Christmas Party when we will discuss this further.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Apartment Living Should be More of a Community

Hola y’all! There are a number of reasons that people choose to live in apartment rather than own a home. The primary one is probably because they can’t afford a house or can’t get financing, but I’m sure that there are lots of people out there who prefer apartments because they’re much less hassle. If anything goes wrong you just call the manager and they send maintenance over to fix it. Okay, some places are better at this than others, but that’s basically true.

People like to claim that renting is just throwing money away, but I don’t know if that’s really the case. If you add up all the expenses of owning a home over 10 or 20 years including all the maintenance, lawn care, plumbing, carpeting, flooring, renovations and interest I doubt you’ll EVER get all that back. All you will have is a decade or two of spending too much of your free time doing Honey Do Lists. Who needs that?

There are some downsides to apartments too. You don’t have as much room to spread out. You can’t do any renovations. You don’t normally have an area to do any gardening. You don’t have as much privacy as a home. And, in most complexes you have to park outside year round. Worst of all though is the fact that the complex usually doesn’t do any snow removal when you have a Great Ice and Snowstorm of Death like we had over the weekend.

Granted if they ran the snow plows through the parking lots everyone would have a big pile of snow behind their cars. Since most apartment dwellers don’t have snow shovels this could cause some problems for folks. They also don’t normally shovel the sidewalks. They claim that if they do so and someone falls and hurts themselves they could get sued. That’s bullshit. Anyway, this time they did shovel. Not much, but they came by after the sleet turned to snow and shoveled the sidewalks a bit.

I got to thinking though; there are twelve apartments in every building, six per side. If each resident would buy a little shovel and some salt, we could clear our sidewalks pretty easily. Hell, Sunday and today as I was going out to clear off the cars and check on things, I was busting the ice and clearing it off the sidewalks with just the heel of my shoes. Check out the sidewalk in front of my building versus the one next to us.

See what a difference a resident who cares can make? Think of how fast and easy that would have been with a few people to help me out? We could have knocked that out and been back inside watching football and drinking beer on Sunday in no time at all. Hell, if we didn’t have the snow we could have done some shoveling early on and then spread some ice melt and it would have been even less effort.

So why don’t we? Well, most people don’t help out their neighbors like that nor do they like to work as a team. And, worst of all, most people take the “It doesn’t bother me to have an icy sidewalk, so why should I go to all that effort for someone else.” That makes me sad.

Then again, maybe my neighbors WOULD be willing to do this and are sitting around thinking the same thing. Maybe the only reason we don’t all get out there and work together is because I never talk to any of my neighbors and don’t know them at all.

Nawwwww …. They’re assholes.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS