Red, White and Babe of the Week

The IWS Babes of the week are super sexy, talented and patriotic All-American babes!

1. Katy Perry

2. Rachel Bilson

3. Jamie Chung

4. Janet Jackson

And of course, America’s Sweetheart Kathy Griffin

Speaking of being a Great American be sure to catch “Drunk on History” at 12 Noon ET on I’m With Stupid! 

Matt Said, Jay Said...1776

Matt-Man town cries…Jayman pamphleteers…You, toss Orange Pekoe into Boston Harbor.

Jay:  Hello Schmoop; it’s Jay.
Schmoop:  Hello Jay…Here’s Matt.
Matt: Hi Jayman, how is your evening?
Jay:  Not bad and yours?
Matt:  Pretty Good.

Jay:  I was thinking about this Sunday’s show.
Matt:  And?
Jay:  We should do an American History Show since the 4th of July is fast upon us.
Matt:  That’s a great idea.

Jay:  I thought so.
Matt:  We could talk about our fave founding fathers, least fave Presidents, and fave Commanders-in-Chief.

Jay:  Damn right.  Bobby Kraft could talk about famous battlefields like Pea Ridge.
Matt:  Buddy Acapella could sing our National Anthem.
Jay:  I could talk about many historical things because I’ve been known to turn a bitch.
Matt:  That’s hot.
Jay:  IKR?

Matt:  We could also update today’s news.
Jay:  Damn right.  Slyder could give an update on the tragically funny news about Aaron Hernandez.
Matt:  Poor dude.  Had it all, but blew it like a bad tire.
Jay:  Maybe Paul Piatt?  Is he patriotic?
Matt:  More than you think!!

Jay:  Hmmmmmmm…
Matt:  Lot of cookouts coming up this week, maybe Kirk Douglas could give us a weather report.
Jay:  If he’s still alive, he will.

Matt:  Man, our Drunk on History show is going to be great!!
Jay:  I know right!?

Matt:  Hey!?
Jay:  What?
Matt:  Something weird just happened.
Jay:  What’s that?

Matt:  We actually discussed what we are going to do on Sunday’s show.
Jay:  Holy Independence; we actually did!!

Matt:  After nearly three years on the air, are we growing up and becoming mature?
Jay:  Oh Hell No.
Matt:  Why do you say that?
Jay:  Because after nearly 237 years, Congress hasn’t grown up.
Matt and Jay:  Heyyyyyyy-ooooooooo.

Matt:  Annnnnnd Jayman, Angie will be on to discuss the SCOTUS DOMA ruling and Prop 8!!
Jay:  That’s HOT.

Matt: This is going to be a jam packed show.
Jay:  Damn right and I hope people call-in at 661.244.9852
Matt:  Exactly, and listen to us by clicking HERE

Jay:  See you on the radio this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET.
Matt:  And unto you, I say the same….

To catch Jay and Matt LIVE this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET you can click HERE.

A Safe Place to Be Yourself and Do Your Thing

Hola! So yesterday, a day which will live in infamy, Matt-Man got to strike something off of his Bucket List. He finally got to do an N-Word post. Okay, I’m kidding. Kinda. Anyway, that satirical post accomplished its primary goal. Lots and lots and lots of page views! Hell yeah! *Hi-5’s Matt virtually*

There were a few people who didn’t enjoy that post though. No really! Some people found that post to be in poor taste or thought it was unnecessary to use the N-Word and blah, blah, blah. Well look, would I have written that post? OH HAIL NAW! Not on your life. But, that doesn’t really matter cause this blog here is a safe place for Matt, me or anyone else who is posting to speak honestly and post whatever they want.

This includes a satirical posts from Paula Deen.

This is primarily a humor/comedy blog. Matt-Man and I are both free to post whatever we want here. We don’t stop each other from talking about any topic or anything else, nor should we. Too many people censor themselves on their own damn blogs because they’re afraid they’re gonna upset someone or offend people or whatever. I've been known to do that myself. We shouldn’t be doing that.

Your blog is the only place where you will ever be totally free to be yourself, or anyone else you want to be. Even if you want to be Racist Paula Deen.  Back in the day I did a post on my old blog where I blasted Elizabeth Edwards that resulted in someone calling me a “pig” in the comments section and then telling me “I hope you get cancer and die!” Okay, fair enough. I like it when people speak their mind.

Having said that, I don’t always agree with Matt and he doesn’t always agree with me. I don’t always like what he posts and he doesn’t always like what I post. I’m sure there are times when Matt rolls his eyes at how hard I work to find a way to post a pic of a hot Asian babe even though it doesn’t really fit with what the blog was about. That’s perfectly acceptable.

So, why am I bringing this up? Well, I‘ll tell ya why. Whenever you happen to read a post here that you fine offensive or upsetting we most definitely want you to let us know. It’s a little odd that the only time we get any feedback from people is when they aren’t happy, but that’s okay. We very much respect your opinions and beliefs as long as you respect ours.

Yesterday, I got a few messages and emails from people who thought Matts’ post was in bad taste that thought we shouldn’t allow the “N-Word” on the blog. Plus a comment on a pic posted to the official IWS Facebook Fan Page. But, I dismiss that cause it came from a guy who I know to be a raging fucking hypocrite. I have no doubt Matt has also heard from people who either don’t like me or don’t think I’m funny or are bitter middle-aged white women who are jealous of hot, petite, sexy and exotic Asian babes. I’m just guessing on that last part. Point is you can't always make everybody happy and you can always worry about people's sensibilities. 

The people who had something to say about Matt’s post did so nicely and without name calling or rudeness or over the top OMG I’M SO OUTRAGED crap. I really appreciate that. But, there is one thing Matt and I would like to request of people who feel strongly enough about something to email and express their feelings.

Please make sure you direct your comments to the person who actually wrote the post.

That’s really all we ask and we think that’s more than fair. Seriously, we put our name on the posts ya know.Thanks for your cooperation.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS

Paula Deen Does Not Hate Niggers

Hey Y’all!!  Paula Deen here, guest blogging for iwsradio.com today.

Why am I writing on the glorious pages of the IWS Radio website, y’all ask?

Well…It’s part of my racially charged rhetoric rehabilitation process.  I have apologized on You Tube.

Yesterday I somewhat, but not really, apologized for my bigoted invectives on the Today Show with Matt Lauer, and today?

Here I am on I’m With Stupid in all of my repentant, resplendent, and buttery glory coming to you in the wrote down fashion type a thing.

For the next forty days and forty nights, that began with the aforemended You Tube thing, I am going to appear on every type of media outlet that will have me, in order to apologize and/or defend myself.

I’m calling my hurried and harried media mea culpa blitz…

Paula’s Incredible Edible Regrettable Tour™ !!

Let me tell you folks.  I have only used the word, nigger once in my life, and that was when I was describing, to my husband mind y’all, the assailant who put a gun to my head during a bank robbery.

I was shaken and stirred and knew not what I was saying, and y’all know what?

When I think about it, it would have been better if I had called the guy with the gun to my head, a nigger, because if I had, I would probably be dead and not have to suffer the unwarranted and hurtful stones being cast upon me by the media and public opinion.

People are out to destroy me, because they are jealous of my success.  People like Lisa Jackson who say that I created a hostile work environment full of racial jokes and pornography.  I have even been attributed to saying the following:

What…on…Earth?

How could I have said that…I would never go for something like that.  I mean c’mon y’all…

Long sleeves and bow ties with shorts?  That’s just a stupid look!!  They would have to wear pants!!  No self-respecting, tap dancing, wait staff jigaboo tap dances in shorts!!

Listen y’all…My culinary media empire is strong.  I built my success upon a foundation of sturdy, high cholesterol, and deep fried blocks.  I didn’t build the foundation of my industry success upon the shakiness of a bunch of niggers in a woodpile.  Although…

I was the one who got Patrick and Gina Neely their own show on The Food Network, so maybe I did have a couple of darkies in the foundational mix, but listen…

I love Patrick and Gina so much, and they are black mind you, that I had my friend and ceramics guy Jim “Butterfingers” Vogel, form and bake me up a couple of little statues of the Neelys, which are always on display atop my kitchen table, as you can clearly see…

It's as though they are both holding giant doughnuts in their hands...Uh-huh, y’all…Who’s the racist now!!?

And let me tell you before I go…

After I moved out of mammy and pappy’s and got my first real job....One of the first things I did was buy a dog for protection.  He was strong, always alert, and a very well-hung dog.  And do y’all know what I named him?

Shaft.

This was even during the George Wallace years.  If that ain’t showing love for my bruthas and sistahs, I don’t know what is.

Thanks for having me here today on I’m With Stupid, now if you’ll excuse me, I am off to have a well earned meal of fried chicken, collard greens, and watermelon with Darius Rucker.  He’s such a get-a-longer, go-a-longer.

What?  No worries...Darius is one of those "tame ones."

Best Dishes to You,

Paula Deen

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page



Be sure to check out the I’m With Stupid podcast! The #1 Comedy show on Blog Talk Radio!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Greetings From Edward Snowden in Russia

Hola and привет comrades! Edward Snowden coming to you live from Moscow’s Sheremetyevo International Airport!  I’m checking in with everyone via I’m With Stupid’s blog because I know many of you guys out there are worried about me, and more than a few are hoping I die of vodka poisoning. I just want to let everyone know that I’m doing just fine hanging out here at the airport. I love airports. There’s so much to see and do here.

I'm already looking forward to having a hot, sticky Cinnabon first think in the morning. I’m addicted to those  things. This evening I had a delicious meal at the Applebee’s of pirozhki filled with some kind of meat-like substance and, I think, cabbage accompanied by a blini filled with strawberry jam. Just like home!! And of course, there was plenty of vodka. In fact, I might be drinking some vodka as I write this guest post here on IWS.

I’ve also spent a lot of time in the gift shop reading gossip magazines. I know you’re wondering if I was surprised by the Paula Deen scandal and I have to say “Hello? I’ve read her emails, remember?” In fact, just who is this mystery person who alerted the National Enquirer to this story? Hmmmmm

I’m also reading a couple of good romance novels. I don’t know how old they are, but they both have Fabio on the cover. I started to read some Robert Ludlum, but that shit hit a little too close to home, if you know what I mean.  I’ve also spent a lot of time listening to IWS Radio. Man, that NSA Employment ad just killed me! I was laughing so hard everyone was looking at me funny.

A lot of people have asked why I went to Hong Kong. That’s easy! I have a thing for Asian chicks. I’m not really that complicated of a guy. Asian chicks are just so damn cute and sweet and loving. I was really looking forward to being granted asylum and settling down with a petite Asian hottie and living the good life somewhere in Asia not called “North Korea” but, it wasn’t to be.

Why Ecuador now? Again, it’s very simple. If I can’t have an Asian chick, and thanks to the Hong Kong

government I guess I can’t, then my next choice is a Latina. Plus, I’ve always wanted to visit the Galapagos Islands and play with the Giant Tortoises there. You know those things can live 150 years or more? Crazy!

Am I a hero or a traitor? Well, if you’re a hot Asian or Latina, I’m definitely a hero. More of an international man of mystery really. I’m a notorious sexy American spy who stole … I mean, obtained a lot of sensitive intelligence documents and leveraged them into a pretty nice life of leisure. If you’re anybody else, I guess I’m just a man who was shocked … SHOCKED I TELL YOU … at the atrocities OUR government was committing in terms of invading the privacy of American citizens! That was truly my only motivation. The truth shall set you free, amirite?

Okay, so maybe I turned some of those intelligence secrets over to the Chinese government. It’s not my fault though. I thought they were going to provide me with $10,000,000 USD (and an Asian hottie) in exchange for the information. You can understand how tempting that was, right? Anyway, all I got for it was a coach ticket on Aeroflot to fucking Moscow. I was soooo bummed. The bastards double-crossed me! You just can’t trust anybody these days.

Did I also share intelligence info with the Russians? I’m still alive aren’t I? Seriously, there wasn’t even a discussion about it. I’ve seen plenty of movies and I know what they Rooskies are capable of. Besides, Putin likes to poison people … Allegedly. Doesn’t sound like a good way to go to me.

So, now everyone is updated on my well-being. Thanks to Matt and Jay for letting me post here. Sorry I hacked into Blogger and posted without telling you guys first. It’s an old habit.  Anyway, if anyone needs to contact me give my homeboy Jayman a holla. He’ll get in touch with me. I better go before the Taco Bell closes. This vodka really gets to me fast.

“Rossia - sviashennaia nasha derzhava,
Rossia - lubimaia nasha strana!
Moguchaia volia, velikaia slava -
Tvoio dostoianie na vse vremena! ….”

Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

P.S. Jay, you should probably delete a couple of those pics off your phone before you accidentally forward them to the wrong people. Just sayin’. 

Miller Brewing, Coors Brewing, and IWS Radio...A Tasty Match Made in Marketing Heaven

Happy Tuesday Chuckleheads!!

I hope that if you are currently staring down the business end of the heat and humidity gun of Mother Nature as we are here in Springfield, Ohio, you are muddling through the climatological (well, it’s a word now) steam bath comfortably.

It was pretty sultry here yesterday.

It wasn’t incredibly hot temp wise, 88 or so…but the humidity was high as well, which made for a yeast breeding, Gold Bond powder applied to the nether regions type of day for me at the Beer Mine.

Even though it was but a Monday, hundreds of folks, both over worked and out of work, dwelling within the Greater Bagwine Metroplex, drove through the Beer Mine (located at the corner of Elmore and Burnett Rd. across from Donato’s in Springfield, Ohio) delightfully demanded to purchase beer in order that their whistles might be whetted.

As a loud, proud, and sassy employee of said Beer Mine, I happily slung unto those with a powerful thirst, 30 Packs of Milwaukee’s Best Light, 6 Packs of Mickey’s Malt Liquor, and of course, 12 packs of Miller Lite and Coors Light.

And yes, in full disclosure…I sold plenty of beer put out by that other heavyweight in the field of beermanship that is now owned by a bunch of Belgian buttheads, whom I refer to as, “AB.”

If beer made with rice, makes you feel nice…then AB beer is your brand.  Whatever…and uuch!!

But…I digress.

All of the aforementioned beers are put out by MillerCoors, and let me tell you…

My number one fave beer is Mickey’s.  My number two beer and which runs the day to day operation of my liver, is Milwaukee’s Best Light, but due to the heat and the workout that our customers put me through yesterday?

After the work day was done, I needed to taste some of my friend and my mistress, so I bought two 24 ouncers of my ab fab favorite beer, Steel Reserve.

Steel Reserve is the kick ass-est of the High Gravity beers.  It is smooth, tasty, yet maintains the kick of what a high gravity beer should have.

That other brewery that I mentioned?  AB?  They too make a High Gravity beer.  It’s called Hurricane…They should have named it Tropical Depression, because it is weak and tastes like the runoff from a lackadaisical storm surge full of carp.

Steel Reserve is where it’s at my friends.  And you know what?

I think IWS Radio and MillerCoors make a good match.  I think they should advertise on our show and our website.  I mean, hell, between the two IWS venues, we reach some 75,000-90,000 people a month.

We have a Facebook and Twitter account that reaches thousands more, and…

Jayman and I not only love and drink their products, I sell them everyday!!  It’s a perfect marketing storm, and a win-win!!

If they were to come up with a paltry $3,000 we could advertise for them for an entire year.  IWS could go super premium on BTR, AND have money left over for giveaways promoting our show, website, and their products.

I think I am on to something, and let me tell you why.

I came up with this idea while drinking Steel Reserve, and you know why?

Because just like the 211 logo on the can, when I drink Steel Reserve, my IQ goes from 150 to 211 by the second sip.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
Matt-Man on Facebook

Help With Facebook Comments

Hola y’all! You know, social media can be pretty complicated, especially Facebook. Some people post so often and such a variety of stuff that sometimes you just don’t know what to say in the comments. Sure, the vast majority of the time all you need to do is “like” someone’s status update, but sometimes it’s necessary to actually say something.

So, I’ve decided to make a list of comments that you can just copy and paste as needed. This way you don’t have to stop and think of something to say and can keep on scrolling and sending out game requests…

- FAKE!

- Oh BullSHIT!

- Eww

- Well if it’s on the internet, it MUST be true.

- How YOU doin’ huh baby?

- LOL!

- My deepest condolences to you and your family.

- Outstanding! You really nailed the contrast on that one.

- People! They’re the worst!

- What a cute kid!

- You're a hot mess! 

- Congrats!

- WTF is wrong with him/her? (Editor’s Note: You’ll almost ALWAYS use “him” in this reply.)

- Oh that’s a bummer!

- That looks delicious!

- Woo-Hoo!

- That’s hot.

- Nice legs.

- Way to go!

- Loser

- You know what? Fuck you!

- Passive aggressive post is passive aggressive.

- HA! Well done!

- Nice Ass

- Fuck that.

- I love you.

- It’s always something, isn’t it?

- Do I know you?

Well, there you go. This should cover most situations for ya. You’re welcome.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

In other news, on IWS we talked about travelling, road trips, summer fun and more this week! We also checked in with Party Marty up in Put In Bay, Ohio, Billy the Kid down at the Beer Mine, and then a special call from Seal Coat Guy! Totally check out the Ratchet Summer Show!

Listen to internet radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

IWS Babe of the Week...We Go Goo-Goo for The Go-Go's

Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio gang will be on the air LIVE today from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio celebrating summertime fun, and few people exemplify and personify summertime fun more than the Go-Go's...

First up, the sultry singer who knows how to fondle a microphone, Belinda Carlisle...

Supplying the hot licks on lead guitar is Charlotte Caffey.  Talk about a sexual fret...

Who's got the beat?  Drummer Gina Schock gots the beat.  She can beat me anytime she'd like...

Every band needs a soulful rhythm guitarist and diminutive dominatrix Jane Wiedlin, can stroke the strings...

Bassist Kathy Valentine could be my Valentine every day of the year.  She is just...plain...sexy...

Put these hot babes together and what do you get?  A wet and smokin' hot vacation...

And that is what Jay, Matt, and IWS Radio will be doing today...Celebrating vacations and all things summer. So listen to IWS Radio LIVE today from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.  It's going to be funny, exciting, and HOT just like summer and just like your hosts.

You can catch all the hilarity by clicking HERE and as always, you can call in at 661.244.9852. 

Matt Said, Jay Said Uno Dos Tres Cuatro

Matt talks, Jay talks, You listen.

Schmoop: Hiaya!
Jay: Huh .. Uh … What are you wearing?
Schmoop: A t-shirt .. AND NOTHING ELSE!
Jay: Whoa!
Schmoop: Hello?
Jay: *heavy breating*
Schmoop: Are you there?
Jay: *grunts* …. *more heavy breating*
Schmoop: Uhhhhhh … What are you doing??
Jay: What?
Schmoop: What were you doing sicko?
Jay: What? I dropped my pen and couldn’t reach it.
Schmoop: Oh, okay. Here’s Matt
Matt: Cheers!
Jay: Hola!
Matt: How’s you?
Jay: Excellent! How’s you?
Matt: *sigh* It’s been a rough week. Rough TWO weeks actually.
Jay: I know it has Pookie.
Matt: Thank you for your support.
Jay: You’re totally welcome.

Jay: Hey! Kim and Kanye named their kid … Matt: Stop.
Jay: North!
Matt: Stop!
Jay: No really, they named it North West.
Matt: Maybe the full name is Northby North West 
Jay: Or North South Easton West
Matt: Maybe actual FULL name is Pacific North West?
Jay: I guess there’s always Westby North West too.
Matt:
Jay: You there?
Matt: Are we done with these people?
Jay: Yeah
Matt: Then I’m here.
Jay: Oh, okay then.

Matt: Why do I have David Carradine in my notes?
Jay: Shit, I don’t know.
Matt: It had to have something to do with the show.
Jay: Oh you wrote him down in your SHOW NOTES!
Matt: Well yeah, I’m a professional, you know?
Jay: True. I guess we talked about Erotic Asphyxiation or Thai Hookers.
Matt: That doesn’t sound like us at all.
Jay: IKR? Maybe Kung-Fu TV show?
Matt: That show was a classic!
Jay: Totally!
Matt: But that couldn’t be it.
Jay: Hmmm … Well I got nothing then.
Matt: Strike David Carradine off the list then!
Jay: OHHHHH! Vacation activities.
Matt: Really? THAT was one of the vacation activities we talked about?
Jay: Well, there were other things too.
Matt: God, I hope so.

Jay: So that’s what we’re talking about this week right?  Matt: Deviant sex acts?
Jay: No, vacations and summer
Matt: Right! Summer celebration and stuff.
Jay: Yeah, the Ratchet Summer Show
Matt: What does “ratchet” mean.
Jay: Not really sure, but the kids use that word all the time.
Matt: Is it something like “off the hook?” or “Cray-Cray?”
Jay: Yeahhhhh .. Something like that, but more dirty and nasty.
Matt: Oh. Well okay then. We’ll do it for the kids.
Jay: And the ratings.
Matt: Mostly the ratings.
Jay: So summer vacations
Matt: Local tourist attractions!
Jay: Road trips and roadside attractions!
Matt: Family vacations as when we were kids.
Jay: Oh yeah.
Matt: Summer activities.
Jay: Places we would like to go!
Matt: OH … Something else I have to do!
Jay: Okay, I’ll wait.
Matt: No on the show! A Slim Whitman tribute.
Jay: Well of course!
Matt: Definitely.
Jay: Also Poet’s Corner?
Matt: Oh hell yeah.
Jay: And maybe some tourism related sponsors.
Matt: Brilliant!
Jay: And a Summer Move Blockbuster!
Matt: Can’t wait!
Jay: Oh yeah, we’re ready for greatness!
Matt: Always!

Be sure to listen to the Ratchet Summer Show on I’m With Stupid Sunday at 12 Noon ET!! It’s gonna be HUGE! 

I Love Summer!!

Y’know?  Today is the first full day of Summer, and we are gonna have some fun, in fact…

The other day, a post that Jayman wrote reminded me of a good time summer time dream that I had had some years ago.

And please…allow me to tell to tell you how it all went down..

I was at picnic fundraiser for Sarah Palin. It was a first, kinda summer day, and …

True to her folksy, homespun carnival act personality, there were all sorts of activities that one might find at a small town America cookout during the summer.

I signed up for the three-legged race. I’ve always kinda dug that. We all threw our names in a hat and Sarah drew names to see who would partner with whom.

I was excited because I knew that if I had a decent partner I had a good shot at winning. My excitement soon became despair when Sarah named who would be tied up with me…

Stephen Fucking Hawking!!

“What a disadvantage that puts me at.” I muttered to myself.

While other pairs are running the race with three good legs, I’m going to be draggin’ Hawking down Lane 4 for 50 yards.

I was thinking to myself, “Holy Shit…Having Heather Mills as my partner would be a step up.”

Anyhoo…Hawking comes rolling up to me, and in his creepy McDonald’s Drive-Thru speaker voice, said…

“Let’s kick some ass, Matt-Man.”

So I dump his ass out of his wheelchair, and he’s laying there in all his palsied and Parkinsonian glory flippin’ and a-flappin’ around like a washed up walleye contorting on a hot rock, and I tied him to my right leg with a bungee cord and duct tape.

I dragged him and his useless body over to the starting line. There were six teams in the race, but one team in particular was giving me and The Hawk-Man the stink eye.

It was the team of Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck.

After we stared them down (well, after I stared them down, Hawking’s face was in the dirt, mumbling some incoherent bullshit about supernovas and their effect on the space/time continuum), I turned my eyes to the prize and the finish line that was 50 yards away.

Palin with bullhorn in hand, shouted, “Ready, Set…” and then several rounds from her AK-47 set each team into motion.

Despite the dead weight attached to me, I was bolting like lightning down the course…
Hawking beside me and behind me all the way, his face being bloodied by the ground as he drooled and continuously muttered, for whatever reason, “Deus ex Machina!!”

O’Reilly and Beck were leading, but as we neared the finish line lagging behind those two nut jobs, they abruptly stopped in order to deeply kiss and fondle each other’s dick.

As they engaged in their ego and cock stroking man love, I sped passed them hauling Hawking’s bouncing, crippled body beside me.

As we crossed the finish line in triumphant fashion, I realized the brilliance of Hawking. O’Reilly and Beck’s public display of depravity had been our Deus ex Machina.

I cut Hawking loose from me, gave him a bottle of Gatorade, and proceeded to have obligatory winner’s sex with Bristol Palin.

Hawking? Unable to put himself into his wheelchair, he lay there calculating exactly how long it would take him to die from over-exposure to the hot summer sun. And you know what?

That brilliant bastard predicted his sunstroke induced demise right to the nano-second, and that in itself, is pretty God Damn brilliant…and funny.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook page

Rhiannon, Rihanna, Rianna ... What's in a Name?

Hola y’all! As you may or may not recall, the last time I was at the barber shop the wife of a guy getting a haircut told us all about her meth-addicted father who had a sex change operation. IKR?!  Well, this trip didn’t disappoint as in the end I heard something while not as salacious as a meth-addicted sex change operation, it was no less shocking.

But first, a little drama ….

When I walked through the door I saw that there were only two barbers working as once again, their third had up and quit on them. Both were busy with customers who looked like they had just gotten into the chairs. In addition to that, there were two people already waiting. Right off the bat I realized that it could be anywhere from thirty minutes to an hour before it would be my turn. I decided to stay though because what the hell, I was already there and I wouldn’t really go back later in the day anyway.

Luckily, they have a big flat screen TV set up with the Andy Griffith Show running so I was at least being entertained.  Just after the two men who were ahead of me got into the chairs a man came in with his little son. So, the three of us sat there and laughed at Barney Fife’s whacky antics and had a great time.  Unfortunately, when a chair opened up there was a near confrontation.

The dad and I stood up at the same time and he tried to jump in front of me. I stopped at leveled the Jayman Death Stare™ at him and he quickly and meekly put up his hands and said “Oh I’m sorry, that’s right, you were next. That’s right.”  Uh-huh.

See? I know what he actually wanted to do. He wanted for him and his son to get their haircut at basically the same time. Had he politely asked me if I would mind if they did that, even though I had already been waiting an hour, I would have said yes. I would have been more than happy to watch one more episode of Andy Griffith and wait. Instead of going the polite and decent route, he tried to cut in line and bully me. No dice buddy!

Anyway, after the usual exchange of niceties and a brief discussion of my hair desires, Brenda began to quietly and efficiently cut my hair. The only time she said anything was when she sighed and let me and everyone else know that she was REALLY ready for lunch.

Then, she mentioned again that she was hungry and was hoping that her husband and daughter Rianna would be there soon to take her to lunch. Just to make conversation, I asked her if she named her daughter after the Stevie Nicks (of Fleetwood Mac) song “Rhiannon.” She stopped cutting and said …

“No, but you know what? I’ve had other people ask me that same question and it’s funny because before they did I HAD NEVER HEARD OF STEVE NICKS OR HIS BAND.”

But wait! That’s not all. She then looked right at me with a rather confused look on her face and said “Not only that, but just the other day someone asked me if I had named her after the pop singer Rihanna and I had never heard of her either.”  

She then explained that when the kid was born and they filled out the paperwork they were going to name her “Brianna” but at the last second decided to “drop the B and just go with ‘Rianna’”

So there you go kids, another amazing and rather shocking story from the barber shop. I’m thinking about going weekly just for the blog fodder.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS

Richard Speculum...Unlicensed OB/GYN

I am so happy to be here on the IWS website today, so slide down your computer chair, say ahhhhhhhhh, and allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Richard Speculum and as the only yet to be incarcerated one of the finest unlicensed OB/GYN’s in the country, I am here to offer my obstesticle, gynecological, and cervical services to the vast and diverse female portion of the IWS Radio audience.

Three years ago, I was on top of the world after having just completed my medical degree in OB/GYN and Doctor type things from the University of Phoenix Online.

Yet weeks afterwards and my first failed attempt at passing my Medical Board exams, the euphoria quickly grew into a menopausal hot flash of post-partum depression.

The sadness grew exponentially after my six subsequent attempts to pass the Medical Boards.  I was in the dumps.  Lethargic.  I was nearly suicidal at that point, especially since each time I took the test, my scores got lower and lower.

I knew at that point, I would never be the rich and successful OB/GYN I had long dreamed of becoming ever since the time I was eight years old and witnessed my adorable second grade classmate Cindy Johnson slip on the peddle of her brother’s bicycle, painfully bruising her pre-pubescent vagina.

When I witnessed her mishappenstance lo those many years ago, I immediately flew off of my bike, jumped on top of her writhing body and sought to ease her pain in a knowing, very human, and mostly non-sexual way.

I eased her convulsions by whispering in ear that she would be okay.  I mollified her fears by caressing her cheek, and…

I assuaged Cindy’s strident pain by placing my hands upon her and offering her a sip of my half empty can of Mountain Dew that contained both the empathy of my breath and my spurting backwash resulting from a joke that my friend Pat Fogarty had imparted to me, mere minutes prior to her unfortunate incident.

Cindy soon got up and with a limp and a whimper, walked her brother’s bicycle back home, but she was always thankful for my help and my EMT type skills.

Because of that, Cindy and I remained very close friends until sixth grade when at that point, her dad left his job at the local Parks Department in Dayton, and moved himself and his family to Milwaukee in order to fulfill his dream of becoming a Master Brewer with the Miller Brewing Company.

It’s because of the memory of the smile and thankfulness that I saw that day on Cindy’s face, and her continuing appreciation of me, that when I had once again flunked my Medical Board exam and was considering just cashing it all in, that I had a revelation.

I thought to myself…

Okay maybe I am not legally allowed to prescribe prescriptions or medical procedures, but I can recommend them.

Perhaps, I am not actually permitted to remove your cervical cancer or deliver your baby, but I can point out to you by looking at your private parts, that one or both need to be done.  Stat!!

Do you think you might have an STD?  Pffffffft…I’ve seen them all and have had them all, and can tell you with a quick look and/or a short sniff whether you have gonorrhea, syphilis, or a mere annoying case of trichomoniasis.

Annnnnd ladies, after my examination, you'll even get a free T-Shirt...

The best thing…In addition to my Medical Degree, I minored in Philosophy, so I have the unique ability to describe to all of you fine ladies, the correlation between Hegel and Kegel.

So there you have it.  With Health Care costs soaring, maybe it’s best just to have a friend who was nearly a doctor, practices holistic medicine, and has somewhat of a command of OB/GYN skills.

Don’t believe in the old and untrue adage that the closest expert (medical or not) is at least fifty miles away.

With me, Richard Speculum, I can be in your bedroom in fifteen minutes, and I am happy, at a very nominal cost, to check you out, inside and out.

So ladies...Here's to your gynecological health and remember...

I am more than happy to go fishing for the answers contained therein.

Richard Speculum,
Unlicensed OB/GYN (UOG)

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
Facebook.Com/mattmaniws

Mayhem in the AM Shut Down by the PC Police

Hola all you politically correct folks out there! Well, the PC Police got ‘em another one, or uh, three on Monday as the three DJ’s from the “Mayhem in the AM” show on 790 the Zone in Atlanta got canned for their “insensitive” and “offensive” remarks on the air. What did they say? Well, they mocked former New Orleans Saints player Steve Gleason who is suffering from ALS. If you would like to hear the 2 minute segment you can RIGHT HERE.

I don’t know anything about the history of these guys so I don’t know if this is more or less offensive than their usual shtick. I also don’t know if it rises to level of deserving to be fired over. It was certainly lame, and completely unfunny, and I can see how people found it insensitive and even OUTRAGEOUS.

This comes on the heels of my spending some time reading and digesting Patton Oswalt’s “A Closed Letter to Myself About Thievery, Heckling and Rape Jokes” If you haven’t read it, I do recommend that you set aside a free afternoon and do so if you’re a fan of comedy. (It’s kind of long.)

Although I do love and follow comedy very much, I’m not a comedian. I’m not a stand-up comic and I’m not a professional humorist. I occasionally say or write something that is funny, but that’s usually by accident. But, I am the cohost of the (usually) number one rated comedy show on BlogTalkRadio. This doesn’t make me any kind of big expert on comedy or anything like that, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have opinions on comedy either. (BTW, a big pet-peeve of mine is all these people who just up and call themselves comedians and suddenly declaring themselves the equal to people like George Carlin, Bill Hicks and Chris Rock.)

These radio hosts who did the lame bit on Steve Gleason aren’t comedians either though. They’re shock jocks who are hired to … well … shock people! You know, all these “morning zoo” shows are pretty much the same. And most radio station and network owners are basically like sports team owners when it comes to steroids. They’re fine with it as long as it doesn’t cause TOO much controversy or cost them money.

For a country full of people who love to brag about how “politically incorrect” we all are, we sure do demand the complete and total destruction of someone’s entire livelihood when we decide they’ve said something mean or offensive, don’t we? We are all about wagging our finger at folks who get out of line or go too far. Good thing we’re all so pure and perfect in our own lives and none of us ever tell any off-color or race or gender joke ourselves or we would look like a bunch of hypocrites, huh?

The problem with amateurs such as these guys on 790 the Zone is that after the “shock joke” there usually isn’t anything else. We’re not professional comedians so the “shock joke” isn’t usually part of a bigger picture or a deeper critique of society or culture or whatever. That’s why people like Carlin and Chris Rock are so great. There’s subtlety to their jokes or stories about black people, white people, stupid people, fat people etc that is actually saying more about society and our culture than the people they’re supposedly mocking. I don’t know about “rape jokes” though. Those are kind of hard to do.

Generally I don’t care about what comedians decide to joke about. I feel like they should feel safe and free to bring up any subject up there on stage. They certainly aren’t free from the consequences of what they say, or above being criticized though. Radio hosts on the other hand have to worry about bosses and advertisers and if they go too far and damage the show and kill the revenue then they’re goners.

That’s what’s so awesome about blogs and podcasts like I’m With Stupid. We are free to say or write whatever we want. People might disagree, quit reading or listening and maybe even let us know we suck, but at least we can’t get fired from it.

And, thank God we can’t get fired otherwise we would have been sent packing a looooooooong time ago!

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS   

The EAS Warning Tone is the Soundtrack of My Life

Cheers Bitches and suck it!!  Yeah that’s right…

I said that, and you know?

While I haven’t said that in quite awhile, after Jayman happily graciously bringing some things to my attention on the air yesterday during our IWS Radio Manabration broadcast, I should say that more often.

During our opening witty banter yesterday, Jayman pointed out to me that during our nearly three years on the air, a number of things have transpired in my life that are less than pleasant, and promulgate the theory that a metaphoric cloud does indeed hang above my head.

Since the inception of our radio show on August 29, 2010 Jayman noted that the following things have happened in my life…

My brother John died.

I was laid off for awhile.

Schmoop underwent a traumatic medical scare and subsequent major surgery that put her out of commission, unemployed, and in the dumps for several months.

Drive-By Mikey, the Beer Mine owner and my boss, lost his dad and his Mother-in-Law.

My brother Vince died.

Annnnnd as Jayman laughingly soberly pointed out…Schmoop and I had broken up and reunited 114 times.

What the hell?  Why do these things always happen to me?  These people dying, laying me off, and rebuking my undying love, are beginning to piss me off, damn it!!

It makes me realize that there isn’t a mere cloud that hangs above my head; it’s a super cell thunderstorm pregnant with the rain of ruination, lachrymose lightning strikes, and hailstones of heartache.  It’s a sad, sad situation, my friends.

I met the new year, this year, 2013 with hope as I knew that this is the Year of the Snake.  I mentioned back in February on our radio show that since I was born in the Year of the Snake, this was going to be MY YEAR.

I went on to state that especially this summer, the one that is but days away, was going to be the Summer of Matt, and guess what?

Last night I was writing about what I plan to do and/or accomplish during the Summer of Matt, but guess what happened at 11:34 PM yesterday.

I fricking assidently deleted the damn essay!!  Ha!!  Of course I did!!  Why wouldn’t I?

It’s very understandable why I did delete it.  My fingers slipped on the keyboard as the super cell thunderstorm above my head was raining ruination down upon me.

So last night after that unforeseen, yet totally expected incident in my life, I shut down the computer, took God’s name in vain, ate a most excellent hoagie, and then went to bed.

Sometimes I think I should just give up, but Jayman pointed out something to me yesterday during his listing of my maladies, that gives me hope.

He reminded me that summer doesn’t officially begin until this coming Friday, so it may very well still be the Summer of Matt.

I am going to cling to that shred of hope like grim death, well…

Until I wake up Friday morning, slip on the hailstones dropping from the metaphoric storm over my head, trip over the coffee table, and break my coccyx.

Uuch…I need to buy a metaphoric umbrella.

But in the meantime, I, as you should do as well, will listen to our IWS Radio Manabration show that aired yesterday.  It was good stuff, and you can catch all the hilarity right here:

Cheers!!
Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

Babe of the Week: Sexy Celebrity Dads

Since it's Father's Day here in the U.S. the staff at IWS decided we should celebrate some DILFs! Here are our favorite hot celebrity dads ...

1. Channing Tatum

2. Ben Afflack

3. Matt Damon

4. Javier Bardem

And, how could we not give a special Father's Day shout out to Kanye West!!!

Hell yeah! But guess what?! We're not done celebrating men just yet. Tune into I'm With Stupid at 12 noon ET for a Manabration! Let's celebrate everything great about men!

Matt Said, Jay Said...Why Is Child Support Enforcement Calling 661.244.9852, N'Shit?

Matt sheds testosterone…Jay sheds testosterone…You, are enthralled by their manliness.

Jay:  How was the viewing and the funeral?
Matt:  How do you think it was?  My dead brother laid there lifeless.
Jay:  I understand, but did he look good?
Matt:  Yeah he did, not too bad.  He was working it.
Jay:  That’s nice.

Matt: So…this Sunday should we do a Favorite Monster Movie show?
Jay: Duuuuuude.  This Sunday is Father’s Day.
Matt:  Oh Hell…that’s right…Should we do a, Favorite Dad’s Monster Movie Show?
Jay:  Are you even listening to yourself?
Matt:  What did you just say?  I didn’t hear you; I am busy listening to myself.

Jay:  Dude…Matt-Man…I know your brother died, you are not quite yourself right now, but suck it up.
Matt:  What?  I’m fine…It’s those three Jager-bombs I shot down in three seconds in his honor.
Jay:  I think it is sad that you honor your brother’s memory that way.
Matt:  Me too…If I was three years younger , I could have chugged FIVE down in three seconds.

Jay:  Wow, that’s pretty impressive.  I remember when I wa---wait a minute.  We need to talk show talk.
Matt:  Eh…okay.
Jay:  I thought we could talk father talk.
Matt:  That sounds creepy…and sexy!!
Jay:  No, not that way you Jager-Bomb perv.
Matt:  Oh?

Jay:  Yes…this Sunday we will can talk about our dads.
Matt: And we could talk about HOT dads.
Jay:  Oh yeah, and perhaps, famous shitty dads who aren’t so great!!
Matt:  Sounds good, so “shake it off.”

Jay:  Shake what off?
Matt:  Whatever…My dad, no matter what happened….that was his go to phrase.
Jay:  Awesome.
Matt:  Yeah Jayman, my brother Vince just died, and my dad is up in heaven saying, “Shake it off, Vince!!”

Jay:  You should have saved that line for the show.
Matt:  I’ll use it again, because as I type this, I am pretty drunk, so I won’t remember.
Jay:  Spoken like a true man whom we will be celebrating this Sunday.

Matt: Damn right, because we are not merely celebrating fathers this Sunday…we are celebrating MEN!!
Jay:  I’m down with that, in fact…since it is a celebration of men, we should call it the, Manabration!!
Matt:  Man…where do you come up with this shit; you are amazing!
Jay:  Word.

Matt:  So I guess we are set for our IWS Radio Show that will air LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET, this Sunday.
Jay:  Damn right…We’ll be celebrating fathers and men in general, while taking your calls at 661.244.9852.
Matt: That’s HOT.
Jay:  It’s not only HOT…It’s MAN HOT!!

Matt:  You ready?
Jay:  In my best manly voice I say….YES!!

See ya there Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio…

Dr. Scholl's Knows Customer Service

Hola y’all! You know kids; customer service is a dying art in this country. We hear horror stories all the time, especially on social media. People take to Facebook, Twitter or blogs to complain about being treated poorly by companies and how bad their customer service is. National restaurant chains and the cable company usually get the worst run.

But, sometimes that’s just because it’s much easier, and usually more entertaining, to be negative. We don’t

hesitate to let people know when we are pissed off or annoyed or feel we’ve been mistreated. When we get good service we often forget to give companies props though. So, today here on IWS I’m gonna tell you guys about the TWO best instances of outstanding customer service I have experienced…

A few years ago I was in Las Vegas and decided to go to the Olympic Garden Gentlemen’s Club. IKR? I don’t normally go to places like that. Anyway, when I got there a bum middle-aged entrepreneur came up to me and told me that he would watch my car to make sure nobody messed with it for two dollars.

I thought that was a great service for someone to provide so I gave him a couple of bucks and thanked him. An hour or so and a few lap dances later when I came out of the club I was surprised to find him sitting on the curb next to my rental.

“I made sure nobody messed with your car man!” he said as I approached. I looked over at the car and back at him and said “You did a hell of job man. You probably deserve a bonus.” He immediately agreed and I gave him a five dollar bill because you should expect to pay for quality service. I also told him to splurge and get a burger or something at the Wendy’s next door.

“I might do that man” he said as he started to walk away. Suddenly he turned around and said “MIGHT get me a couple of cold ones with that too!”

Until yesterday that was pretty much the best example of quality customer service I had ever seen. Of course, I had never had occasion to see someone deal with the outstanding customer service you get from the BrownShoe Company who are the people who make Dr. Scholl’s shoes.  

As you probably know my friend lover and comedy partner Matt-Man had an issue with his new Dr. Scholl’s shoes that he purchased with his hard-earned money from Walmart. The sole was coming off after only three months of moderate use! Personally I was stunned.

Matt-Man firmly, yet humorously brought this outrage to our attention and decided to email the Brown Shoe Company and Dr. Scholl’s shoes a link to his blog post so that they too know about his pain and suffering.

And what happened, you ask? Barely an hour later they emailed back and offered to make things right. They gave him a code to use on their website to get a free pair of shoes to replace the defective ones. They didn’t try to argue with him, or worse, ignore him. They simply apologized for his inconvenience and made things right.

That, my friends is how customer service is done. There are a lot of companies out there, Cox Cable, Starbucks and most restaurant chains who could learn a good lesson from the Brown Shoe Company, the makers of Dr. Scholl’s. Because let me tell ya folks, not only does the Brown Shoe Company and Dr.Scholl’s know how to make shoes, they know how to treat their customers.

So here’s to you Brown Shoe Company and Dr. Scholl’s! You guys rock!

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS

Dr. Scholl's Footwear...Guilty of Malpractice!!

Cheeeeers and Happy End in Sight to the Weekend Day!!

I hope that everyone has a wonderful Thursday, a wonderful weekend, and if you’re a dad, I wish you a Happy Pre-Father’s Day Day, Day, Day.  Let’s see…

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday…yeah I got that correct, so…anyhoo.

In early March of this year, I received my income tax refund.

I was in desperate need of new tennis shoes, so I traveled five minutes up the road to one of the Wal*Marts here in Springfield, Ohio and purchased (along with some new underwear and a headset/microphone if you must know) this…

A shoe…Well, actually a pair of shoes, but this one in particular (it's the right shoe), is the subject of my post today, and is and has been the bane and pain of my ambulatory and fiduciary torment.

You see folks…that above picture is that of the right side of right shoe that I purchased barely three months ago; the left side of my right shoe, after only three months as I reiterate, looks like this…

I Know, Right?  What the hell?

As you can gather from the title of this post, the manufacturer of said show is Dr. Scholl’s, and I would like to have a word or two with them.  Here…Now, and yet…cordially.

The shoe itself is, er was...quite comfortable, and I was initially happy with my purchase which was somewhere between 29 and 34 dollars as I recall.  They felt good as did I, and then?

A couple of months into the life of the shoes?  Instead of walking on air, I began to walk on heartache, tarsal ache, and an ache associated with a quickly diminishing arch which resembled gout and Elephantiasis.

Here’s another picture of said, sad shoe…

It’s odd, but while the stitching of the shoe remains intact, the sole is completely divesting itself of the leather, and man-made material upper!!

When I first noticed this some weeks ago, as I tied my shoes to go to work, I tied them in a double knot...of OUTRAGE!!

In spite of my farcical sarcasm, I truly am somewhat pissed.  I mean c’mon.  I know 29-34 dollars isn't the national debt, but to me and for those with whom I live and help to take care of and contribute, it is not an insignificant amount of money.

I don’t want to get nasty with Dr. Scholl’s footwear, I just want to get a new pair of shoes, because three months for the life of a pair shoes is unacceptable.

Sure, it could have been an aberration...a rare substandard pair that I bought.  Perhaps this particular pair of shoes utilized glue from not only a losing horse, but one which never even made it to the gate.

And of course, I am not the type of guy who wants to give a black eye to a fine American company such as Dr. Scholl’s who raises Old Glory everyday and salutes their offshore accounts while selling Chinese made shoes, however…

I will contact them with a link to this post and voice my dissatisfaction, and I am sure they will recompense me with a new pair of shoes, and if they do that?

I will loudly and proudly say, “Way to go Dr. Scholl’s for doing the right thing!!”

However, if they do not…

IWS Radio will be all over them like a foot fungus, and they will quickly feel what Achilles felt, lo those many centuries ago.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws