Bad Backs, Bad Poetry and Weed

Well I tweaked my back once again. It’s nothing major just an annoying stiffness and minor pain. I can get around fine as long as I alternate between standing, sitting and lying down.

While I was lying on my bed this afternoon I suddenly realized something. I don’t have any access to drugs. Like some Vicodin or OxyContin or Percocet or any of that good stuff. How the hell did this happen to me? How did I end up in situation where I have NO friends or acquaintances that could just hand me a little baggie and say “Here dude. This will help.” 

When I first injured my back quite badly a few years ago, I had several coworkers who offered to “help me out” with some meds. They would just have their cousins bring some of the “good stuff” up from Mexico when they came to visit for the weekend. I said “no thanks” because I was getting a good supply of Vicodin and muscle relaxants from the quacks doctors at the downtown San Antonio clinic that my insurance thought I should share with all the pregnant teenagers, homeless people and hookers.

A few people were pretty sure that all I needed to do was to begin smoking weed. The third shift supervisor was the first person to tell me all about how he hurt his back years earlier and the only thing that made it all better was the hippie lettuce.

I wasn’t all that surprised by the dude, he had a wallet with a marijuana leaf on it. But, the sweet little Vietnamese lady did surprise me when she offered to share some of her stash with me. She was pretty much the last person in the whole building that I would have suspected to be a pot head. And here I thought she was just naturally funny.

And there were SEVERAL people who told me that all I needed to do was to get some Holy Water and rub that on my back and it would be cured. I wasn’t sure how to acquire this magical clear, watery substance. I figured getting a hold of this stuff wasn’t as risky as trying to buy some OxyContin or something. Turns out I was wrong. You actually have to go to a Catholic Church to get it. I guess they sell it in the gift shop?

So I checked online and found that I can buy three bottles of Jordan River Holy Water for only $32.97.

Holy shit! That stuff is expensive. I think pot is cheaper than that.

After a little more searching I found that I could get it a little cheaper at Discount Catholic Products. I don’t know why I find that funny, but I do. If someone shows up at mass with a discount crucifix that they bought online and not in the church gift shop, will he or she be looked down upon? Is discount Holy Water kind of like buy “Always Save” canned veggies? Does God care if you paid full price or not? Probably not, but I do wonder if he has any rules against Methodists using holy water? He’s been known to be kind of picky.  

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In case you missed it Sunday’s Bad Poetry Show on IWS Radio was EPIC! Lots of awesomely bad poetry from correspondents and others PLUS calls from Brown Beasely, Nurse Sherri and our favorite Canadian Jamie!! Aaaaaaaaand the newest American Luis the Ice Man and Mrs. Luis came on the show too! You gotta check this one out … 

More Comedy Podcasts at Blog Talk Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

Rhiannon, Rihanna, Rianna ... What's in a Name?

Hola y’all! As you may or may not recall, the last time I was at the barber shop the wife of a guy getting a haircut told us all about her meth-addicted father who had a sex change operation. IKR?!  Well, this trip didn’t disappoint as in the end I heard something while not as salacious as a meth-addicted sex change operation, it was no less shocking.

But first, a little drama ….

When I walked through the door I saw that there were only two barbers working as once again, their third had up and quit on them. Both were busy with customers who looked like they had just gotten into the chairs. In addition to that, there were two people already waiting. Right off the bat I realized that it could be anywhere from thirty minutes to an hour before it would be my turn. I decided to stay though because what the hell, I was already there and I wouldn’t really go back later in the day anyway.

Luckily, they have a big flat screen TV set up with the Andy Griffith Show running so I was at least being entertained.  Just after the two men who were ahead of me got into the chairs a man came in with his little son. So, the three of us sat there and laughed at Barney Fife’s whacky antics and had a great time.  Unfortunately, when a chair opened up there was a near confrontation.

The dad and I stood up at the same time and he tried to jump in front of me. I stopped at leveled the Jayman Death Stare™ at him and he quickly and meekly put up his hands and said “Oh I’m sorry, that’s right, you were next. That’s right.”  Uh-huh.

See? I know what he actually wanted to do. He wanted for him and his son to get their haircut at basically the same time. Had he politely asked me if I would mind if they did that, even though I had already been waiting an hour, I would have said yes. I would have been more than happy to watch one more episode of Andy Griffith and wait. Instead of going the polite and decent route, he tried to cut in line and bully me. No dice buddy!

Anyway, after the usual exchange of niceties and a brief discussion of my hair desires, Brenda began to quietly and efficiently cut my hair. The only time she said anything was when she sighed and let me and everyone else know that she was REALLY ready for lunch.

Then, she mentioned again that she was hungry and was hoping that her husband and daughter Rianna would be there soon to take her to lunch. Just to make conversation, I asked her if she named her daughter after the Stevie Nicks (of Fleetwood Mac) song “Rhiannon.” She stopped cutting and said …

“No, but you know what? I’ve had other people ask me that same question and it’s funny because before they did I HAD NEVER HEARD OF STEVE NICKS OR HIS BAND.”

But wait! That’s not all. She then looked right at me with a rather confused look on her face and said “Not only that, but just the other day someone asked me if I had named her after the pop singer Rihanna and I had never heard of her either.”  

She then explained that when the kid was born and they filled out the paperwork they were going to name her “Brianna” but at the last second decided to “drop the B and just go with ‘Rianna’”

So there you go kids, another amazing and rather shocking story from the barber shop. I’m thinking about going weekly just for the blog fodder.

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We Talk the Talk and name Rihanna Babe of the Week

I’m With Stupid is proud to announce recording artist Rihanna as our Babe of the Week this week! Although she had been around for a couple years, Rihanna burst onto the scene in a big way in 2007 with her smash single Umbrella (ella, ella, ella, ella, ella) off of her bestselling “Good Girl Gone Bad” CD. Umbrella was co-written and produced by none other than Jay-Z who “discovered” Rihanna. I’d like to “discover” her myself, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, while that “ella, ella, ella” hook might have gotten old, Rihanna had arrived had definitely arrived. And, with her stunning good looks and long legs, there was little doubt that Bajan Babe’s singing talent was only going to be matched by her sex appeal. 

 So, Don’t Stop the Music Rihanna, cause I’m no Rude Boy and the first time Matt-Man and I saw you I knew We Found Love. And you should know we are the type who will Talk the Talk but also back it up and say that you are the Only Girl in the World who could possibly be named Babe of the Week. 

 

And, while you’re enjoying the lovely and talented Rihanna, you might also enjoy our Celebration of Women from Saturday night’s I’m With Stupid podcast. We talked about all the things we love about women and why. We also creeped on some Facebook babes and then Mike called in to UP the creep factor as we Googled some famous babes and tried to find the hottest chick from Dominica.

All that and soooooo much more! So, check it out. And don’t ever forget that we love each and every one of you out there!

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