Yom Kippur: An Ex-Catholic's Road to Damascus

Cheers and L’chaim my fellow inglorious bastards…

Matthew Patrick Mahoney here for IWS Radio.

Why do I utilize my entire and actual name during this address to you?

Because today at sunset begins Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement, and I want to participate.

“That’s great.”, you say…but why do you long to be Jewish now, you ask?

Because my name Matthew is Hebrew (Gift of God), and Patrick in Latin, means “nobleman.”

So just shut the hell up and listen to me...THE Gift of God Nobleman, and truthfully?

You don’t even know, bitches.

Anyhoo…

As I am assuming the role of a Jew gone wrong, I’d like to atone for some of my sins this year…so far.

I’d like to say first and foremost, that I should simply be professional at the Beer Mine, and attend to our customers without flirting.

A nubile, 30 something customer with gorgeous Strawberry blonde hair and plump, yet awesome thighs, comes through on a daily basis.

Today, she asked me, “Don’t you love this cooler weather?"

To which I said, “No, I like it hot; and when it’s hot it only takes me two minutes to dress.”

She responded, “Well, I do understand that.”

And I said, “When it’s winter; it takes me twenty-five minutes to dress, of course, if I had a helper, it would only take twelve point five minutes.”

She giggled, looked down at the lack of a bulge in my pants, and drove off.

Why do I have to drive a completely innocent and good-natured customer/sales guy relationship into the perverse ground of sex?

Because I can…I do…and I shall stop.

Well, except for Kristina...Kristina who comes through late nights and told me that she likes to watch my biceps flex when I pick up her case of Bud Light bottles.

I mean. c’mon…she likes to watch my less than average biceps flex, so to deny her that less than special moment, would be a less than special sin, and plus…

I call her Special K, she calls me Special M, and well, it gives her a giggle, and seriously, that’s what I’m all about, but I guess even then, I may be truly ripping apart her femininity when I do that, so I shall stop.

I know what I won’t do FOR SURE next year…

I won’t post a picture of a Happy 9-11 Anniversary Cake on my Facebook page, because people hate satirical pictures and or writings anti-American electorate images and posts on their Facebook news feed.

And well that's because they are stupid…er…I mean…they have different sensibilities than I do, and I have to accept that…and I will.

You know what’s funny?

I have spontaneously apologized for flirting with my customers at work and posting “controversial” stuff on the internet.

But you know what’s sad?

At least for this year, I think in all truthfulness, those offenses are pretty damn lame.

And because of those two things being the nadir of my current offensiveness...I apologize to you all, and seek atonement from myself...for evidently growing old.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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