Guest Post: Conflicted Feelings About the Kentucky Derby

Hello from Kentucky!

As last year’s guest blogger did such an atrocious job (yes you Justin), I decided to try my hand at exploring the rich traditions of the Kentucky Derby. I also know nothing about blogging so I stole Justin from Lexington's idea to write in letter form as well. I won't be stealing anything else from him. I don't think he has anything else of value.

In all honesty, I have vast knowledge about any large number of things. The Derby isn't one. But I do know how I feel about the beauty and the ugliness of it all. Round these parts, horse racing is serious business!  Trust me when I tell you that nothing in Kentucky is more important than horses. Except college basketball. And Bourbon. How bout them Wildcats!! Doesn't Mila Kunis look hot in all those Jim Beam ads?

But I digress. Which happens frequently.

In all honesty, the horse racing industry comes with a shit load of problems. Even simple folks like me know that it’s, well...shady. I mean, it’s almost unforgivable. In the name of tradition, race horses are routinely abused. Sure, the ones you see running in the Derby are retired to a beautiful farm in the hills surrounding Lexington, put out to stud, to live in a sexual horse heaven.

But what about the average guy, uh horse? Sadly, if he's lucky, he'll be sold to a farm somewhere and become the "dream come true" for some child. If he isn't lucky, and most aren't, he will suffer with untold injuries from his racing days and be "put out of his misery" when the next horse comes along. He could be sent to a glue factory. Glue factory? Is that true?

We here in Kentucky tend to live in a fantasy world about the true life of a horse. We imagine that these sweet, sweet animals are all going to that perfect little farm in the country. We have to think this way. To truly pull the blinds back would mean giving up our traditions and heritage. So, we refuse to address it. Arguing with a Kentucky native (which I am not, but my 35 yrs here makes me a Kentuckian at heart) about the cruelties of the horse industry is akin to challenging our "We Are College Basketball" stance. It simply isn't done.

So, this weekend as you enjoy the rich heritage and tradition of the Kentucky Derby, the Mint Juleps, the hats, the bourbon, that are on display for all to see, remember that for every Derby horse you see, there are 10,000 who will be abused. We here in Kentucky will stay oblivious to the truth. 

The "Greatest Two Minutes in Sports" would be a great way to bring a national discussion to the forefront. It won't though. I have a secret belief that the REAL issue is tied to rich men and their need to see that the best horse gets the most action in his second career. Stud fees.

Enjoy the Derby!!!

Shirley Terrell
@srtgrace

Are You Hot Enough to Handle Two Hours with Jayman?

Cheeeeeeeers Chuckleheads and a Happy Tuesday to you all.

This past Sunday (per usual) Jay, myself, and the brilliant and hard working staff at IWS Radio put on yet another award-winning radio show, however…

A temporary tragedy has befallen us.  I have to work this Sunday because the new employee at the Beer Mine will be on vacation, so the March 30th show is hanging in the balance.

There are some options as to what to do this Sunday.

1.  We could do a show Sunday night at 8 P.M.

2.  We could take the week off, and not have a show.

Or…

3.  Jayman could do the show at our normal Noon-2 PM ET time slot with a guest co-host!!

Frankly my friends, I prefer option 3, and if we go that route, I want to toss out a couple of names of people who would make an excellent co-host (or not) to work with Jayman this Sunday.

1.  Blanche Lincoln.  That’s right. Being a fellow Arkansan, Jayman would feel right at home with the sultry former Senator from Arkansas.  The only drawback to Mizz Lincoln?

Although she looks likes a man and sounds like a man, Jayman finds her hot and she may be far too distracting during the show.

2.  Vladimir Putin.  Putin is a badass, and he would bring an edginess to the show that would bring out the inner-Bad Boy in Jayman. Unfortunately, Putin is also too much of a downer for a comedy show.  If only Boris Yeltsin was still alive. That would be comedy GOLD!!

3.  Al Roker.  I hate Al Roker, but I would love to hear Jayman ask him…“You know?  We’ve never had a fake weatherman on the IWS Radio Show.”  Roker would reply, “Bullshit…You have Kirk Douglas on here pretending to be a weatherman.”  And Jayman would respond, “Damn right, and if Kirk was here in studio with us, he would kick your ass for that comment.”

4.  Frank Bonner.  That’s right, WKRP’s very own Herb Tarlek.  Another fellow Arkansan who has ignored our requests to appear on our show over and over.  Perhaps, since Mr. Bonner really isn’t doing anything these days, the title of co-host on IWS Radio instead of being a mere guest would entice him to be on our show.

5.  James Garner.  A man whom we have reported so many damn times as being dead…you’d think he’d like to come on the show with Jayman just to prove us wrong!!

6.  Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis, and/or Natalie Portman.  If all, or any of these three hotties were co-hosting the show with Jayman, we’d have to title the episode…“Drooling and Masturbating with Jayman.”

Actually…That would be ratings gold, but following the show, BTR would probably exercise their terms of use agreement and kick us off the air permanently.

Lastly, and drum roll please….

7.  Saving the best for last, if she wanted to, Jayman could spend two hours…120 minutes…an afternoon of non-stop hilarity with…our favorite Canadian, Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaamie!!

Jamie is the Belle of the Ball, and the most awesome chick in Hammer Town, Canada.  Jamie could just read articles out of Popular Mechanics, Car and Driver, and Consumer Reports, and her voice would send the audience into a North of the Border frenzy unseen since the days of Pamela Anderson’s last breast augmentation.

So there you have it.  A few ideas for Jayman and the IWS Radio Show for this coming Sunday.

Enjoy your Tuesday, and whatever happens, we will as always, bring you the news first, fast, and factual.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page  

IWS Radio: We Are All Ukrainians Person of the Week

As the crisis in The Ukraine ramps up to very scary levels, IWS Radio wants to once again declare our solidarity with the Ukrainian people. So, our Person(s) of the Week this week are some of our favorite famous Ukrainians and of course, the Ukrainian people in general.

- Actress and Model Milla Jovovich

- Acress and Model Olga Kurylenko

- Sasha Cohen (American, but her mother is  Jewish immigrant from the Ukraine so she counts)

- Olympic Ice Skater Oksana Bauil

- Ukrainian Pop Singer Ani Lorak

- Dancing w/ the Stars Stud Maksim Chmerkovskiy

- Actress Mila Kunis

- Soccer Superstar Andriy Shevchenko

- Actress Hayden Panettiere  who is engaged to Wladimir Klitschko who is twice her size so she has lots of Ukrainian in her.

The thoughts and prayers of everyone here at IWS Radio are with the Ukrainian people today and always. 

Also, don’t forget to tune into “Lent 2014 is FAST Approaching” on IWS Radio and remember that we’re back on at 12 NOON ET!!!! 

Yom Kippur: An Ex-Catholic's Road to Damascus

Cheers and L’chaim my fellow inglorious bastards…

Matthew Patrick Mahoney here for IWS Radio.

Why do I utilize my entire and actual name during this address to you?

Because today at sunset begins Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement, and I want to participate.

“That’s great.”, you say…but why do you long to be Jewish now, you ask?

Because my name Matthew is Hebrew (Gift of God), and Patrick in Latin, means “nobleman.”

So just shut the hell up and listen to me...THE Gift of God Nobleman, and truthfully?

You don’t even know, bitches.

Anyhoo…

As I am assuming the role of a Jew gone wrong, I’d like to atone for some of my sins this year…so far.

I’d like to say first and foremost, that I should simply be professional at the Beer Mine, and attend to our customers without flirting.

A nubile, 30 something customer with gorgeous Strawberry blonde hair and plump, yet awesome thighs, comes through on a daily basis.

Today, she asked me, “Don’t you love this cooler weather?"

To which I said, “No, I like it hot; and when it’s hot it only takes me two minutes to dress.”

She responded, “Well, I do understand that.”

And I said, “When it’s winter; it takes me twenty-five minutes to dress, of course, if I had a helper, it would only take twelve point five minutes.”

She giggled, looked down at the lack of a bulge in my pants, and drove off.

Why do I have to drive a completely innocent and good-natured customer/sales guy relationship into the perverse ground of sex?

Because I can…I do…and I shall stop.

Well, except for Kristina...Kristina who comes through late nights and told me that she likes to watch my biceps flex when I pick up her case of Bud Light bottles.

I mean. c’mon…she likes to watch my less than average biceps flex, so to deny her that less than special moment, would be a less than special sin, and plus…

I call her Special K, she calls me Special M, and well, it gives her a giggle, and seriously, that’s what I’m all about, but I guess even then, I may be truly ripping apart her femininity when I do that, so I shall stop.

I know what I won’t do FOR SURE next year…

I won’t post a picture of a Happy 9-11 Anniversary Cake on my Facebook page, because people hate satirical pictures and or writings anti-American electorate images and posts on their Facebook news feed.

And well that's because they are stupid…er…I mean…they have different sensibilities than I do, and I have to accept that…and I will.

You know what’s funny?

I have spontaneously apologized for flirting with my customers at work and posting “controversial” stuff on the internet.

But you know what’s sad?

At least for this year, I think in all truthfulness, those offenses are pretty damn lame.

And because of those two things being the nadir of my current offensiveness...I apologize to you all, and seek atonement from myself...for evidently growing old.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
Mattman_IWS
My Facebook Page

The Verdict Is In: Wie Love Kuntz

Cheers Chuckleheads…

Since beginning our IWS radio show nearly a year ago, and this companion website more recently, listeners and readers of IWS have been introduced to many of our team members.

Some of you have met our Dutch-Based correspondent Guy Ahnyurdyck, man about town Marty Martenstein, sports guru Slyder Balzcock, news whore Kim Fragile, Jay, myself, and others of this highly successful multimedia team.

However…

While the names I mentioned are the face of I’m With Stupid and reap the glitter and gold associated with I’m With Stupid, there is an important triumvirate of people who are the sturdy, unsung armor of our undertakings.

That Holy Trinity of Titanium? The IWS legal team of:

That’s right…Wie, Love, and Kuntz is the law firm that has, and continues to represent I’m With Stupid in all things litigious.

The only reason Jay, myself and others on our team take the risks that we do in bringing you the truth, is because we know that Wie, Love, and Kuntz have our backs.

For instance…

Earlier this year, when Jayman was doing an expose on Mila Kunis by following her continuously and tirelessly standing outside the window of her movie location condo, he was arrested by the local police.

Jayman was summarily charged and stood trial on felony counts of stalking and aggravated menacing. What happened next?

In walk Wie, Love, and Kuntz, and the charges were quickly reduced to misdemeanor counts of loitering and public urination. The fines were paid and Jayman missed not a show.

In November 2010, I was arrested in Las Vegas for Statutory Rape of one young, lovely, Lacey Manwich unnamed woman while doing a report on virginal sex. 

I swear I thought the chick was nineteen. Turned out she was 17. Or was she?

After the Clark County NV. courts charged me with Statutory Rape and threat of a long term jail sentence, in walk Wie, Love, and Kuntz…

They convinced the jury and the court, that since life begins at conception, Ms. Manwich the unnamed woman in question was not 17 years and 3 months old when we had sex, but exactly 18 years old and thus an adult.

I was acquitted, thanked the jury, and wished the plaintiff a very Happy Birthday.

So there you have it…Don’t make trouble for us here at I’m With Stupid because we have the penultimate legal team, and they care about us.

And if you need help...remember Wie, Love, Kuntz.

They always get you off.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

My Indecent Proposal...

As you probably know, last week NFL owners voted to approve their own proposal and then held a press conference celebrating the fact that they agreed with what they had agreed to propose. It was all done in an attempt to force the players to quickly agree to the deal or risk losing the PR war with the fans.

Well, this gave me a great idea. I would like to publicly announce that I have agreed to my own proposal to have sex with Mila Kunis. Below are the details of the proposal that I have very generously made to Ms. Kunis:

- Mila will be allowed to choose between a tray of Kraft sharp cheddar cheese slices, Petit Jean Mountain summer sausage and Club Crackers, or a Digioro’s thin crust pepperoni frozen pizza for dinner. Great Value Vienna Sausages will also be available for snacking purposes if needed.

- There will be the choice of Charles Shaw (AKA: Two Buck Chuck) Pinot Grigio or Franzia Sunset Blush box wine, Jose Cuervo tequila and Dos Equis beer in the fridge and ready to be consumed.

- Room will be cooled to 69° F.

- Room will be completely dark with the exception the light from my clock radio and my Batman night light.

- The five disc CD player will be loaded with Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Marvin Gaye, Al Green and Otis Redding CDs in that order and will be played from song one, disc one.

- The linens on my bed will be washed (twice) in All Allergy Free powder washing detergent and then dried using Gain fabric sheets.  They will not be placed on the bed until one hour prior to Ms. Kunis’ arrival.

- Four-play will begin at exactly 8 pm CDT and will continue until 9:03 pm CDT.

- During four-play Ms. Kunis will wear nothing but a t-shirt and thong. 

- Jayman will wear nothing but his boxers and has agreed to forgo the wearing of socks to bed. 

- After a quick potty break and the opportunity for Ms. Kunis to slam a few more tequila shots, sexual intercourse will begin at 9:17 pm CDT and will last no less than seven and no more than twenty-seven minutes. 

- After sexual intercourse has concluded there will be a period of cuddling to last between 11 and 53 minutes in which Jayman promises not to fall asleep. 

- There will be four photographs allowed. 1. Jayman and Mila embarrassing in a warm hug upon her arrival. 2. Mila sitting on Jayman’s lap with her arm around Jayman’s neck and Jayman’s right hand on Mila’s thigh. 3. Mila and Jayman engaged in a loving, passionate kiss while lying on the bed. And 4. A very special post coital bliss photo of Jayman and Mila cuddling while nekkid. 

- Jayman will be allowed to post a 500 word or less review of his night with Mila on the I’m With Stupid blog and on his Tumblr, but will use only two of the photos on each blog. 

-Jayman also agrees to not discuss the encounter with Ms Kunis on the “I’m With Stupid” internet radio show as he agrees that his partner Matt-Man lacks the social graces to treat the entire encounter with the respect it deserves. 

- Ms Kunis agrees to leave her thong and to allow Jayman to hang them from a nail above his bed. And from the rear view mirror in his car on weekends.

After reviewing this proposal thoroughly, Jayman has voted unanimously, 1-0, to approve this proposal and will begin making preparations for this wonderful event immediately upon Mila’s acceptance, which should happen promptly. 

I should warn Ms Kunis though, that failure to accept this proposal expeditiously will result very bad PR for her and could cost her a lot of her support that she currently enjoys from people throughout the world. So, it is definitely in her best interest to not let this drag out very long. 

I look forward to word of her acceptance of my proposal and promise to keep everyone updated.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman3768

 

And be sure to check out the I'm With Stupid podcast. It totally rocks!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

If We Allow Gay Marriage...

Then gays will get married! 

I've long had sympathy towards the Pro Life crowd because I felt they were on the side of what was truly right and moral. It hasn't helped them to push a “pro-life” line while murdering people, or the fact that at the very moment that a human being is born most pro-lifers say “you're on your own kid.”

But I still understand and respect their position when it comes to the defense of the unborn and the defenseless.

But, what I can't for life of me figure out, is their over the top anger and opposition to gay marriage. Seriously, WTF people? I mean, opposition to abortion is based on the taking a human life. So, you don't have to be a Christian conservative or even a religious person at all to agree with that. Opposition to gays though, is based solely on bigotry and strict religious doctrine. And that is no basis for denying them the legal right to marry.

I mean, if we're gonna have the federal government base all laws on just anybody's strict moral beliefs, then let's go ahead and put Rush Limbaugh in jail for violating ALL of the Seven Deadly Sins. REPEATEDLY! It's the same thing, right? Sure it is. God is no more serious about that whole “don't be gay” thing as is about the whole “don't be a fat, gluttonous adulterer and those four other things” thing. If we're gonna lay down the law on one, let's do it for all. And, anyone nodding his or her head right now and saying “Fine with me!” has never read the Bible because I'm telling ya, if we did that we would all be tossed into those reeducation camps that Michele Bachmann talks about.

I mean, we're all hypocrites right? Even on the issue of gays. Most all of agree that men together is icky while two women together is a beautiful thing and want to watch.

The argument that marriage has its roots in religion is also a loser. So what? No matter where its roots are, marriage is regulated by the government and is, in fact, a secular act. Basically you pay for a marriage license and then you find someone who is licensed by the state to perform some sort of ceremony and then sign the dotted line saying that you are officially fucked hitched. The whole “get married in a church with all kinds of religious shit” is just an voluntary add on. God is not required to be there unless you invite him.

And don't bother me with the bullshit argument that the government will FORCE the church to marry gays. Come on! Are you even listening to yourself? You say the govt shouldn't be able to force churches to marry gays, but at the same time you support the govt forcing the church NOT to marry gays. Trying to have it both ways much?

In any event, the govt isn't going to force the church to do or not do anything. That's the biggest fail argument of them all. Well, next to the whole “states right unless I disagree with what a state has voted to do then the federal government should come in a void the state law and dictate my beliefs to everyone” bullshit. Which is basically the position of every single person running for the GOP nomination for president. Except possibly Mitt Romney. He hasn't been asked today so we don't know where his position has “evolved” to.

Anyway, I'm impressed that New York is now as cool as Iowa. And I sincerely hope that this will now make New York a place where gays will want to move to. And I'm very happy for all the tax attorneys, estate planners and divorce lawyers who can just go ahead and start planning on buying that Tuscan Villa for retirement now.

But, more than anything I'm sick and tired of the amount of effort and resources that are expended on issues such as gay marriage that should be obvious and easy. And while everyone is screaming at each other over the little stuff, I wonder what our “leaders” in DC are cooking up to screw us over with next. Hmmm … It's almost like this all by design, isn't it?

Jayman

jayman3768@gmail.com

www.twitter.com/jayman_iws