New iPhone has Great Features

Hola y’all! Well, Apple held its annual cult meeting the other day to introduce the new iPhone 5? 6? I would just go with iPhone 69. Anyway, apparently the new iPhone has all kinds of bitchin’ cool features. It has a 64 bit chip and it will store your fingerprint and share it with the NSA so that only YOUR finger will turn it on. And … OMG!!!!! … IT NOW COMES IN GOLD!!!!! *SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!!*

But, what makes this phone worth the thousands of dollars you’ll spend on the phone over the mandatory two year contract is the hidden features they don’t tell you about! Luckily for you, our crack team in the Technology Division of IWS World Media has discovered some of them …

- The Wizzer: This is a special hidden app that when activated will provide you with clean urine when you get called in for that random drug test.

- The Handicapper: Sends you advice on which teams to bet on each week of the football season. It would be something like this: “Psst take Wisconsin -2.5 over Arizona St.”

- Babe Number Scanner: Very clever app here! You carry the phone as if you’re busy texting, but the phone is actually scanning everyone around you and recognizing babes. It then secretly (with the help of the NSA) secretly snags their phone number so you can call them later.

- The Flask: What looks to be the spot where you plug in your ear buds is actually where you pour your bourbon so you can take a few nips during the workday when things become just too unbearable.

- Joint Case: Just activate the “Toke App” and the case opens and there’s your hippie lettuce. The cops will never figure it out.

- The Commenter: This app monitors your Facebook Newsfeed and make the appropriate comments for you so you don’t have to see their posts. 

- Taco Emergency: An app that is constantly updating to let you know exactly where the nearest Taco Truck is just in case you suddenly crave a taco and/or burrito. Happens far more often that one might think!

- Celeb Alert: Constant alerts letting you know what your favorite celebrities are up to each day. Lindsay Lohan arrested again? You’ll know before TMZ does. A new celebrity sex tape “leaked?” Watch it right there on your phone during your lunch break while sitting in the park. Also things like “Psst: ScarJo Cleavage Alert!!”

- The Sexer: It’s app that allows you have sex with your phone which is pretty handy because most people love their phone more than anyone or anything else in this world.

- Shoot ‘Em Up Bang Bang: If there’s anything Americans love more than their cell phones it’s their guns. So, obviously an app that allows your phone to be used as a gun with infinite reloads via the internet is a big need. You know, in case you see a trophy buck crossing the street downtown as you’re leaving work.

There you go folks. Ten of the best hidden features and apps of the new iPhone 5S or 6 or 7 or whatever the hell it is.

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