SEC Football Preview 2013

Hola again football fans! My NFL Preview was such a smashing success (kinda, not really) that I decided to expand my previewing analysis skills to college football. No, I’m not gonna preview all 100-plus big-time college football teams. I’m going to preview the only teams that matter. So, here’s your 2013 Southeastern Conference Football Preview!

SEC West:

Alabama: Pfffffffft, these guys suck. The players mostly look just like the fans.

Arkansas: The absolute, unchallenged class of the SEC. Only the highest quality human beings play on the team and they always play the game the way it was meant to be played. They play hard, practice harder and study the hardest. They are the epitome of Student-Athletes and the very definition of gentlemen.

Auburn: The cheatingest, dirtiest, low-downest scum-buckets in any division of any conference in any sport on any level. Fuck those guys.

LSU: Why do both LSU and the New Orleans Saints use the “WHO DAT??!!” chant? Because it applies to all of South Louisiana. All over the bayou folks have for decades said things like “Who dat breaking into my house?” and “Who dat with the gun about to rob me on the street” and “Who dat that got killed walking to church last night for $3?” and … well, you get the idea.

Mississippi State: THOSE GAWD-DAMMED COWBELLS! OMG! Most of the players can even spell Mississippi.

Ole Miss: If you can’t get into Mississippi State then you’re only other options is Ole Miss, a drinking school with a football problem.

Texas A&M: What’s the difference between an Aggie and a carp? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish. Hey-OOOOOOOOOOO

SEC (L)East:

Florida: The only school with more player arrests each week than points scored. Aaron Hernandez and Riley Cooper are their most distinguished alumni.

Georgia: The team and fans suffer from the least deserved superiority complex in the entire country.

Kentucky: I don’t really have anything against the Mildcats cause they’re not good enough to really worry about. Besides, they already have a basketball program so dirty it makes Auburn fans gasp, it wouldn’t be fair to have a good football program too.

Missouri: So stupid they think Missouri really IS in the southeastern part of the country. Also, Columbia has the greatest concentration of people who can’t figure out how to use “there,” “their” and “they’re” correctly in the entire country.

South Carolina: Their only redeeming quality is being named the “Gamecocks” so everyone can just refer to them as the “Cocks.” Heh…Heh…Huh…Huh …. “Cocks”

Tennessee: Their offensive line …

Vanderbilt: Rich, stuck-up, over-privileged, condescending, Duke wannabes. Nobody likes you guys.  

So there you go y’all! An expert analysis of the greatest football conference in the history of the world.

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