Sleepy Time is a Scary Time

Hola y’all! Man, I have all kinds of issues in the bedroom. I’m talking about sleeping issues you pervs! Sheesh! Anyway, every night it’s a struggle to get to sleep and often times to stay asleep. I go through periods where it takes FOREVER to get to sleep, but then I sleep just fine. Then, I go through stretches where I got straight to sleep but wake up two hours later and can’t get back to sleep.

Lately though I’ve combined those two problems. It takes me a long time to finally get to sleep and then I wake up after a couple of hours and spend the rest of the night in that weird space in between sleep and awake. It’s like I’m dreaming that I’m lying there in bed trying to sleep listening to my radio, but I’m not dreaming, it’s real. Does that make any sense?

I’m thinking maybe I need to change up my routine. Each night at 10 pm I complain that Olbermann isn’t on ESP2 because some stupid sporting event went long. Then I turn it over to Conan and don’t laugh at whatever he’s doing. At 10:30 I turn on Arsenio Hall and spend thirty minutes wondering why his new show is so bland and boring. At 11 I check to see who is on Leno, Letterman and Kimmel while also seeing that the daily post on this blog has gone “Live” and then tweet the link to the masses.

If nobody cool is on Leno, Letterman or Kimmel (most nights) then I either watch C.O.P.S. for a bit while monitoring Twitter or just go on to bed. Once I’m in bed the war starts. My mind starts going a million miles an hour and I can’t seem to settle it down. I start out flat on my back, then when my back stops hurting, I roll over onto my right side until my back starts to hurt again. Then I roll over onto my left side until either my back hurts again or I feel like I’m about to fall asleep.

It’s very important for me make sure I’m NOT lying on my left side when I finally fall asleep. If I’m on my left side I will have crazy-ass dreams. Like the other night when I dreamed I was living in a trailer and was trying to go to sleep in a bed right up against a window in a small room. Just as I was about to fall asleep I saw these freaky hands pushing the window open. When I sat up and looked out the window I saw these people who looked like a cross between the Children of the Corn and Boo Radley.  *Shudder*

At least they were human-ish this time. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve dreamed about talking animals. I’m not talking about cool talking animals like Mr. Ed either y’all. I’m talking about snakes and other freaky animals that are saying some mean shit to me. They threaten me or tell me how much I suck and stuff like that. Never cool animals like dogs or giraffes either. It’s always a really crappy animal that talks shit to me. Weird, huh?

Of course none of this would be a problem if these dreams were sexy, but they almost never are. What’s up with that? Sure, I occasionally have a hot dream starring Helen Mirren or Susan Sarandon, but very rarely. Maybe the problem is that I’m sober? Shit, I didn’t even think about that. Hmm … I think I may have solved my problem.

Never mind y’all.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS

In other news "Food, Sex and Farm Animals" was an EPIC episode of IWS Radio! We took on the threat to our freedom that is the recommended serving sizes of most foods. Then we tried to call Campbell Soup and the FDA to get to the bottom of this with HILARIOUS results! Also, Brown Beasley called in and we got an AWESOME Canada Report from the lovely Jamie. You gotta check this one out!! 

New Comedy Internet Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

Matt Said, Jay Said 33 1/3

Matt yada-yada-yada’s, Jay yada-yada-yada’s, You LOL!

Matt: Cheers!
Jay: Holaaaaaaaaaaa!
Matt: You can never practice your trademark saying often enough.
Jay: Damn right! Practice makes perfect. Or something.
Matt: Do you hear that?
Jay: Do you just stay in the bathroom all day?
Matt: Well, that’s not far off, but I’m not peeing right now.
Jay: *listens closely*
Matt: Do you know what that noise is?
Jay: Are you cooking something on the stove.
Matt: I’m pre-cooking my burgers that I will have for lunch.
Jay: They sound delicious!
Matt: If you into meat.
Jay: Oh I am.
Matt: This is why I’m not worried about Zombies.
Jay: They eat meat?
Matt: Just cook them up a burger, they’ll give up brains.
Jay: That might be brilliant.
Matt: Of course it is!
Jay: Adrianne Curry and her teeny-tiny thong would agree.
Matt: Oh hell yes!
Jay: We should get her on the show.
Matt: I don’t see why she wouldn’t. We’re PREMIUM, you know!
Jay: Goddam right we are!

Jay: So otherwise how’s you?
Matt: Eh…Fine.
Jay: Just “fine?”
Matt: Yeah, what’s wrong with fine?
Jay: Nothing if you’re a hot chick or hair.
Matt: Good point, I’m above average. How’s you?
Jay: Most excellent!
Matt: You’re probably exaggerating.
Jay: I never exaggerate.
Matt: Never?
Jay: If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you TWO TRILLION TIMES, I don’t exaggerate.
Matt: Well, okay then.
Jay: So is Tube Girl tubeless?
Matt: I’m waiting for a call.
Jay: From who?
Mat: Schmoop, dummy!
Jay: Oh! So you don’t know yet?
Matt: Right. Sheesh.
Jay: Well you could have said that.
Matt: But, I didn’t.
Jay: Hope the tube is out though.
Matt: I’m sure it will be. (Spoiler Alert: it is!!!)
Jay: She’ll have to come on the show and talk about the tube removal.
Matt: Great plan.

Matt: So we doing an hour Saturday night?
Jay: Yeah, an hour sounds about right.
Matt: No reason to go TOO late into the night.
Jay: Not at our age.
Matt: So we just winging it again?
Jay: Kinda. We have all these old audios from back in the day.
Matt: I think I know where you’re going.
Jay: We can go back and play a lot of them.
Matt: Remind people of what once was before BTR changed the rules.
Jay: And will be again, now that we’re premium.
Matt: I like it.
Jay: And in between we’ll talk about whatever is happening in the world.
Matt: We can do it.
Jay: It will be fun times!
Matt: We need a title.
Jay: I’ve got us covered.
Matt: Oh, you’ve been thinking about this eh?
Jay: The Sound and the Funny
Matt: I love it!
Jay: So there we go!
Matt: Saturday at 11 PM ET!
Jay: One last time!
Matt: I’m already feeling nostalgic.
Jay: No me, I hate that timeslot.
Matt: Me too. Sunday’s rock!
Jay: Hell yeah!
Matt: But first, The Sound and the Funny.
Jay: Gonna be awesome!

Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypses

Hola post-apocalyptic survivalists! Since Matt-Man refuses to dedicate an episode of IWS to preparing for the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse no matter how big a boost we’d get in the ratings, I decided to do a post about it. Take that Mattcicle!

Anyway, I haven’t really given this whole thing too much thought. In fact, I’m so sick of both zombies and vampires (especially sparkly vampires and vampires with really stupid bad Louisiana accents) that I haven’t really made any preparations at all. But, I did decide that I should probably make a few plans just in case it really happens. Which it might, but I doubt it.

- Get and stay really drunk. This way I will stagger around and drool just like the zombies do and they’ll think I’m one of them. I’m already pale enough and cut myself shaving often enough to add to the look. This should work until one of them catches me eating pizza instead of brains.

- Place plates with “brains” on them around town. Only it won’t really be brains, it will be ground turkey mixed with an egg so it would hold together in a brains mold while it was baked. Then, after the zombies gorged on turkey “brains” the tryptophan would kick in and they would all need to take a nap. While they’re sleeping, I’ll kill each of them with a bullet to the head.

- Put on hockey helmet and mismatched clothes and stagger around drooling and just saying “duuuuhhhhh” while wiping my nose with my shirt sleeve. That will repulse the zombies and they’ll leave me alone.

- I’ll head up into the wood like Rambo did. I’ll carry nothing but some camping gear, a mess kit, knife and rifle. After finding a place to camp, I’ll kill whatever I can for food and just live off the land for as long as necessary. Ha! Yeah, like that’s gonna happen. I’ll be dead within a week if I try this one.

- I’ll just drive around in an Abrams M1A2 tank and take out all the zombies. I guess I’ll run out of fuel and ammo pretty quickly though, right? Hmm … That’s a problem. Oh I got it! I’ll simply modify it into a Nuclear Powered Jayman Armored Special with lasers and sound cannons that blow the head of every zombie within a half mile radius. That should be easy enough to do.

- Move into an impenetrable fortress that is nearly 10,000 square feet on three levels all underground with only one entry. That door, which is one foot thick steel, is behind an electrified gate. On top of the facility is a sniper’s nest with a 360 degree field of view, spotlights and lasers which will also have a weapons stockpile that would give Ted Nugent an erection. Also, the entire property is surrounded by a fiery moat. Inside is everything anyone could ever need to live for at least three years. Inside there will be huge amounts of canned foods, water, alcohol, Pepsi. It includes dance clubs, strip clubs, a movie theater, sports bar, luxurious bedrooms, a gym, indoor pool and hot tub and pizza parlor.

Dayum! Screw the zombies, I want that place anyway!

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

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In other news we put on one of the best celebrations of Canada you’ll hear on internet radio ever! Sunday was Canada Day and Matt-Man and Jayman went all out for our very good friends to the north. We talked about our favorite (and least favorite) Canadians and dug up some little known facts about that truly great country. Be sure to check it out! You’ll be amazed!

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