Monday, July 2, 2012

Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypses

Hola post-apocalyptic survivalists! Since Matt-Man refuses to dedicate an episode of IWS to preparing for the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse no matter how big a boost we’d get in the ratings, I decided to do a post about it. Take that Mattcicle!

Anyway, I haven’t really given this whole thing too much thought. In fact, I’m so sick of both zombies and vampires (especially sparkly vampires and vampires with really stupid bad Louisiana accents) that I haven’t really made any preparations at all. But, I did decide that I should probably make a few plans just in case it really happens. Which it might, but I doubt it.

- Get and stay really drunk. This way I will stagger around and drool just like the zombies do and they’ll think I’m one of them. I’m already pale enough and cut myself shaving often enough to add to the look. This should work until one of them catches me eating pizza instead of brains.

- Place plates with “brains” on them around town. Only it won’t really be brains, it will be ground turkey mixed with an egg so it would hold together in a brains mold while it was baked. Then, after the zombies gorged on turkey “brains” the tryptophan would kick in and they would all need to take a nap. While they’re sleeping, I’ll kill each of them with a bullet to the head.

- Put on hockey helmet and mismatched clothes and stagger around drooling and just saying “duuuuhhhhh” while wiping my nose with my shirt sleeve. That will repulse the zombies and they’ll leave me alone.

- I’ll head up into the wood like Rambo did. I’ll carry nothing but some camping gear, a mess kit, knife and rifle. After finding a place to camp, I’ll kill whatever I can for food and just live off the land for as long as necessary. Ha! Yeah, like that’s gonna happen. I’ll be dead within a week if I try this one.

- I’ll just drive around in an Abrams M1A2 tank and take out all the zombies. I guess I’ll run out of fuel and ammo pretty quickly though, right? Hmm … That’s a problem. Oh I got it! I’ll simply modify it into a Nuclear Powered Jayman Armored Special with lasers and sound cannons that blow the head of every zombie within a half mile radius. That should be easy enough to do.

- Move into an impenetrable fortress that is nearly 10,000 square feet on three levels all underground with only one entry. That door, which is one foot thick steel, is behind an electrified gate. On top of the facility is a sniper’s nest with a 360 degree field of view, spotlights and lasers which will also have a weapons stockpile that would give Ted Nugent an erection. Also, the entire property is surrounded by a fiery moat. Inside is everything anyone could ever need to live for at least three years. Inside there will be huge amounts of canned foods, water, alcohol, Pepsi. It includes dance clubs, strip clubs, a movie theater, sports bar, luxurious bedrooms, a gym, indoor pool and hot tub and pizza parlor.

Dayum! Screw the zombies, I want that place anyway!



In other news we put on one of the best celebrations of Canada you’ll hear on internet radio ever! Sunday was Canada Day and Matt-Man and Jayman went all out for our very good friends to the north. We talked about our favorite (and least favorite) Canadians and dug up some little known facts about that truly great country. Be sure to check it out! You’ll be amazed!

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I'm With Stupid said...

I bet brains taste like chicken. Cheers Jayman!!


Mike said...

When you order your nuke tank order one for me too.

Jo said...

From what I've seen on the internet, everyone plans on going to the mall or Walmart once the apocalypse starts. So it'll basically be like the Xmas rush.

I'm really impressed that you know how to make lasers & sound cannons.

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: You'll wake up one morning (or afternoon) and it will be sitting on your driveway with a big red bow on it.


I'm With Stupid said...

Jo: Thanks for letting me know where everyone else is going. I hate big crowds.

I have pretty cool set of tools and I'm pretty sure I can find the instructions to build those things on the net.


I'm With Stupid said...

Matt-Man: I bet brains taste like Haggis.