Typical Day at CNN for John King

*Dramatic Music*

Announcer: “This is Breaking News from CNN. We now go live to John King.”

John King: “Thank you anonymous voice that creeps me out, this is John King and I have breaking news

that is sooooo breaking. Nobody has this news but me! Woo-Hoo! I got it first! Where’s Fox News? Where’s MSNBC? Nobody knows! Well, you better call them and have them gather around the TV to see how journalism is done bitches!

CNN and I, John King, the greatest journalist in the history of cable news and quite possibly the history of any and all news organizations the world over, have breaking news. My sources, which nobody else has because I’m charming and good-looking and TENATIOUS have told me and I can report that there has been an arrest in the Boston Marathon Bombing.

BOO-YEAH!!!! In your face Jim Miklaszewski! In YOUR face whoever the hell is responsible for breaking news over at Fox! I beat yoooooouuuuuuuu! I beat youuuuuuuuuuu! Ha Ha! Wooooooo! You suck!

Uh, anyway, as I reported … FIRST! … and CNN can confirm, an arrest has been made in the Boston Marathon Bombing Attack!  My sources tell me that a ‘dark-skinned’ male has been taken into custody and will be brought to the courthouse here in Boston very soon to be arraigned. I know some of you won’t be happy about that ‘dark-skinned’ part, but hey, the truth is truth! All I can do is report the facts, right Chris Cuomo?”

Chris Cuomo: “Damn right John Boy!” *high five* “Way to be on it! That’s why I left ABC so I could work for a WINNER! How ‘bout you Fran Townsend? After all those years in the Bush admin, this must make you happy!”

Fran Townsend: “God-DAMN right it does!” *high five* “Best of both worlds for me because they’ve got the towel head in custody and I STILL get to blame it all on Obama and remind everyone that GW Bush kept us all safe!”

John King and Chris Cuomo: “Hey-OOOOOOOOOOO!”

Anderson Cooper: “Uh guys, we might have a slight problem here.”

Fran Townsend: “Oh God. Here we go. The gay guy is gonna remind us not to use words like ‘towel-head’ again.”

John King: “Party pooper”

Chris Cuomo: “Lighten up dude!”

Anderson Cooper: “Well, yeah that’s a problem, but more importantly the Justice Department says the story is false.”

John King: “Oh bullshit! You’re just trying to piss on my parade fancy pants.”

Anderson Cooper: “No, I’m serious. Justice says no arrest, no one in custody and they don’t even have anyone ID’d from the photos or videos.”

John King: “I … I …. I can’t believe this.”

*Chris Cuomo and Fran Townsend casually walk away leaving John King alone on set*

John King: “Who would do this to me? This is so wrong. My sources are so good. I’m so good-looking! What the hell happened.”

*camera fades out from John King to Piers Morgan in studio*

Piers Morgan: “BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! WOOOOO! THAT WAS MY BEST CELL PHONE HACK EVER!!!! AAHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Hey wait …. Is that camera on?? What the hell guys???!!!”

*Dramatic Music*

“This is Breaking News from CNN! We go now to CNN headquarters in Atlanta and Wolf Blitzer”

Wolf Blitzer: “Good afternoon folks, we have breaking news concerning the Boston Marathon Bomber. Let’s go immediately to senior political correspondent John King. John, what do you have for us ….”

John King: “Thanks Wolf. Ladies and gentlemen, I can confirm that I, John King, have learned EXCLUSIVELY that there has been NO ARREST made so far today in the Boston Marathon Bombing investigation. There have been some rumors out there, repeated by some of our competitors that there had been an arrest, but I can confirm, absolutely that there hasn’t been one.”

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/jayman68
@Jayman_IWS 

Is Karl Rove a Nazi?

Hola Comrades! By now you know that what started out as a smart-ass joke by a NY Daily News reporter, turned into a really moronic story on a right-wing website which then turned into a super embarrassing situation for Senator Rand Paul. The guy who ran the bullshit story that SecDef nominee Chuck Hagel had given a speech to the “Friends of Hamas” now claims that he had THREE separate sources for that story, but admits that he doesn’t know if they were being truthful or not. Well, since that’s how journalism is done, here is my report for IWS World Media for Thursday, February 21, 2013…

BREAKING NEWS! IWS World Media has learned from sources that the photograph of Karl Rove as a Nazi Officer distributed by the Tea Party, originally assumed to be a photoshop, is in fact REAL!

It turns out that Mr. Rove, AKA: Turd Blossom is a big fan of both Adolf Hitler and his Minister of Propaganda Joseph Goebbels! Rove has long admired Goebbels ability to put out all kinds of loony stories about his political enemies and make people believe it. In fact, he used Mr. Goebbels’ techniques when the Bush Administration convinced America to go to war with Iraq.

In addition to that, Rove has made many statements to friends and colleagues over the years about how much agrees with Hitler and Goebbels visions for the world. In fact, we have gathered some things that Mr. Rove has said over the years about different groups of people.

Blacks: “I just don’t see any use for black folks at all. I mean, I guess maybe some blues and jazz music, but nothing else. They freaking ruined basketball. It used to be a beautiful sport of men passing, screening and running backdoor plays then laying the ball off the backboard as softly as they touched their newborn baby’s cheek. Now? They run up and down the floor so fast and dunk the ball and jump so high and people think that’s exciting? Pathetic! Basically blacks are just lazy criminals who are just sitting around looking for a government handout. Not a single one of them ever worked hard for anything they have, and that includes Obama!” 

Latinos: “They do a good job mowing my lawn and keeping my flowers pretty, I’ll give them that. I’m also a big fan of Chicken Tortilla Soup which they seem to excel at making. And, they definitely can make Tacos and Burritos though. Honestly though? That’s it. If I never have to listen to another GOD-DAMN mariachi tune again it’ll be too soon. Seriously, all I think of them is how I’ll see 12 of them stuffed into a Toyota 4x4 on the highway or 27 of them living in a one bedroom apt. They live like animals!” 

Asians: “They do a good job of cleaning my suits and Asian Women are HAWT! That’s it though. They pretend to not understand what I’m saying when I know they speak better English than I do. They’re scheming, back-stabbing, lying, product-and-intellectual-property-stealing little bastards! They cut in front of you in line at the market too.” 

Jews: “Gass ‘em all! There will finally be jobs available to good Christians in the financial, media and entertainment world. Best of all, I won’t have to hear about that bullshit Holocaust story they made up for sympathy anymore. MY GOD I’m sick of that!” 

As you can see folks, Mr. Rove has a long history of saying very unfortunate and hurtful things about a number of minority groups. I know you are probably having a hard time believing that he actually said those quotes that I found on the internet. I can understand that, but let me assure you I have confirmed each of those statements with at least three separate people whom I interact with on a regular basis online and know for a fact to be quite reliable arbiters of the truth. Most of the time anyway.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 

Editor’s Note: The body of this article has 666 words, which we here at IWS World Media consider to be confirmation from God that we believe everything written here that came from our trustworthy sources to be true. God wouldn’t lie to us.


In other news you should totally listen to Matt and Jay Uncrossed on Wednesday's I'm With Stupid. We talked about Mindy McCready shooting her dog, Tim Tebow being a raging bigot and Mississippi joining the 19th Century among other hilarious topics. Check it out!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

IWS Welcomes Nicole Russin AKA: Richarde

Holaaaaa and Cheers!

IWS World Media in association with IWS productions would like to welcome Nicole Russin to the I’m With Stupid podcast this Wednesday, July 18, 2012! Ms. Russin AKA: The Legendary Richárde, a bestselling cookbook author, musician, journalist, model and Renaissance woman. Her latest cookbook, “Ostentatious Cupcakes” is racing up the Amazon charts and is full of creative and innovative ways to make the all-American favorite. Her first cookbook, published in December 2010, “The Non-Diet Real Cookbook: Easy Recipes to Stay Skinny Eating Anything You Want and Learn How to Cook!” was based on a mixture of recipes from abroad, healthy food, and the Midwest’s classic roots: soul food, German cooking, and Irish cuisine blended together

Nicole began her journalism career at the age of 13 when she began hosting a video series for PBS titled Illinois Stories which was syndicated in Illinois, Missouri and Iowa. In addition to local and state politicians, Ms. Russin even snagged a Q&A with soon to be presidential candidate John Kerry. Nicole continues to work on her journalism career to this day having interviewed people from the political, business, sports and entertainment worlds.

Nicole graduated from the University of Texas at the age of 19. After graduation she decided to compete in the Miss Texas pageant even though she had never participated in any beauty pageants while growing up. The end result was a fun and hugely popular guest blog on Huffington Post which became one of the top five most popular reads on the site in 2009.

By the age of 21 Nicole was in NYC looking for journalism work. At the same time she decided to seek out modeling work and it didn’t take long to land some opportunities with a number of different agencies. She mostly worked in the beauty/hair/makeup categories, but as with everything else in her life, she doesn’t want to just settle for that. Being a very ambitious person, Nicole is working hard to make the jump to the couture lines WHILE continuing to purse professional writing and journalism gigs.

In her spare time, Russin records songs in every genre under the sun. An opera lover, Russin likes performing each genre differently down to pronunciation “because every musical style should have its own performance method and be felt like an opera performance.” She sings out, talk sings, gets whispery, shouts, performs overdramatically, and sings emotionlessly.  (She does know how to sound traditionally good when necessary also.) Russin taught herself how to compose sheet music while bored in some seventh grade class she can’t remember, forced herself to learn music production on her home computers, and used fellow students as recording test subjects as she discovered her inner Max Martin. In June 2010, she released an art pop double album called Sex Appeal, Love, Confessions Parts 1 & 2 with its additional material album My Other Half, put out a few corresponding psychedelic 60′s/70‘s singles, got together with Russian tennis star and California transplant homegrown DJ Dmitry Tursunov for a Studio 54 meets modern disco sound on The Dmitry Tursunov Experience EP, and will soon release a 1980′s style follow-up album.

So, as you can see Nicole is a busy woman with a lot of interests and talents. This is going to be an awesome show! Be sure to join us on I'm With Stupid Wednesday, July 18, 2012 for all the fun and excitement!

--

In other news Matt-Man and Jayman overcame their brutal hangovers to bring everyone “The Hangover Show” on I’m With Stupid on Sunday. We talked hangover prevention and cures and then got a great call from our HAWT friend Meredith! So, totally check it out!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio