Thursday, April 18, 2013

Typical Day at CNN for John King


*Dramatic Music*

Announcer: “This is Breaking News from CNN. We now go live to John King.”

John King: “Thank you anonymous voice that creeps me out, this is John King and I have breaking news
that is sooooo breaking. Nobody has this news but me! Woo-Hoo! I got it first! Where’s Fox News? Where’s MSNBC? Nobody knows! Well, you better call them and have them gather around the TV to see how journalism is done bitches!

CNN and I, John King, the greatest journalist in the history of cable news and quite possibly the history of any and all news organizations the world over, have breaking news. My sources, which nobody else has because I’m charming and good-looking and TENATIOUS have told me and I can report that there has been an arrest in the Boston Marathon Bombing.

BOO-YEAH!!!! In your face Jim Miklaszewski! In YOUR face whoever the hell is responsible for breaking news over at Fox! I beat yoooooouuuuuuuu! I beat youuuuuuuuuuu! Ha Ha! Wooooooo! You suck!

Uh, anyway, as I reported … FIRST! … and CNN can confirm, an arrest has been made in the Boston Marathon Bombing Attack!  My sources tell me that a ‘dark-skinned’ male has been taken into custody and will be brought to the courthouse here in Boston very soon to be arraigned. I know some of you won’t be happy about that ‘dark-skinned’ part, but hey, the truth is truth! All I can do is report the facts, right Chris Cuomo?”

Chris Cuomo: “Damn right John Boy!” *high five* “Way to be on it! That’s why I left ABC so I could work for a WINNER! How ‘bout you Fran Townsend? After all those years in the Bush admin, this must make you happy!”

Fran Townsend: “God-DAMN right it does!” *high five* “Best of both worlds for me because they’ve got the towel head in custody and I STILL get to blame it all on Obama and remind everyone that GW Bush kept us all safe!”

John King and Chris Cuomo: “Hey-OOOOOOOOOOO!”

Anderson Cooper: “Uh guys, we might have a slight problem here.”

Fran Townsend: “Oh God. Here we go. The gay guy is gonna remind us not to use words like ‘towel-head’ again.”

John King: “Party pooper”

Chris Cuomo: “Lighten up dude!”

Anderson Cooper: “Well, yeah that’s a problem, but more importantly the Justice Department says the story is false.”

John King: “Oh bullshit! You’re just trying to piss on my parade fancy pants.”

Anderson Cooper: “No, I’m serious. Justice says no arrest, no one in custody and they don’t even have anyone ID’d from the photos or videos.”

John King: “I … I …. I can’t believe this.”

*Chris Cuomo and Fran Townsend casually walk away leaving John King alone on set*

John King: “Who would do this to me? This is so wrong. My sources are so good. I’m so good-looking! What the hell happened.”

*camera fades out from John King to Piers Morgan in studio*

Piers Morgan: “BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! WOOOOO! THAT WAS MY BEST CELL PHONE HACK EVER!!!! AAHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Hey wait …. Is that camera on?? What the hell guys???!!!”


*Dramatic Music*

“This is Breaking News from CNN! We go now to CNN headquarters in Atlanta and Wolf Blitzer”

Wolf Blitzer: “Good afternoon folks, we have breaking news concerning the Boston Marathon Bomber. Let’s go immediately to senior political correspondent John King. John, what do you have for us ….”

John King: “Thanks Wolf. Ladies and gentlemen, I can confirm that I, John King, have learned EXCLUSIVELY that there has been NO ARREST made so far today in the Boston Marathon Bombing investigation. There have been some rumors out there, repeated by some of our competitors that there had been an arrest, but I can confirm, absolutely that there hasn’t been one.”



8 comments:

Mike said...

‘dark-skinned’? GUILTY!

Edita said...

And on to Edita who shares her comment EXCLUSIVELY with IWS.

I can confirm, FIRST in the whole wide world, that I thoroughly enjoyed the post. I laughed, I can reveal FIRST, about 3 times.

Back to you, Jay & Matt!

I'm With Stupid said...

Poor Johnny Boy. Guy Ahnyurdyck is a more accurate reporter than that clown. Cheers Jayman!!

Matt-Man

I'm With Stupid said...

Edita: *Breaking News* Jayman can now confirm what we've all always known. That is that Edita is freaking awesome and super cool. ;-)

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Matt-Man: If John's not careful, he's gonna end up with his career going so low that he becomes a correspondent for IWS Radio. ha!

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: According to John King and the NY Post that is 100% true.

Jay

Katy Anders said...

I am now ready to call the winner of the 2016 Presidential election for Hillary Clinton.

Right here. On April 19, 2013.

If this turns out to be true, remember you heard it here first.

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