Matt Said, Jay Said...1.38

Matt Coughs...Jay Sneezes...You reach for the Hand Sanitizer

Jay:  Hola and hello.
Matt:  Dude, you sound awful.
Jay:  I would tell you that I feel awful, but I don’t like to burden my friends.
Matt:  Even drugged up and sick, you are still a selfless human being.
Jay:  I know right?

Matt:  Hey I just checked BTR, last week’s show is now #3 in all of entertainment.
Jay:  I would be excited about that if I weren't on the death’s doorstep.
Matt:  Suck it up, man!!
Jay:  Alright, alright…so this Sunday? What’s the topic?
Matt:  Well…much like you next week, millions of Americans will gearing up for the holidays.

Jay:  Yeah…I’ll be heading to Nebraska for a wonderful Thanksgiving week.
Matt:  Yep…Thanksgiving annnnd...Hanukkah begins on Thanksgiving this year.
Jay:  I wonder what, if anything, Jews eat when that happens.
Matt:  I dunno.  Turkey is kosher isn't it?
Jay:  I think so.  I’m pretty sure they serve it in the finer Jewish delis.
Matt:  A Jewish Thanksgiving, there has to be some yuks yuks talking about that.

Jay:  True…And we could talk about personal prepping for all of the upcoming holidays.
Matt:  Sounds good…I bet Giada De Laurentiis turns turkey day into a Broadway type event.
Jay:  Maybe in most years, I thi---
Matt:  Most years?
Jay:  Yeah I hear she and hubby Todd are kinda on the outs.
Matt:  Really?
Jay:  Oh hell yeah and our staff has exclusive access to some pretty salacious audio of the couple.
Matt:  Sweet!!
Jay:  We’ll definitely debut that this Sunday.

Matt:  Awesome.  I hear Buddy Acapella has a new holiday song out.
Jay:  He’s amazing.  Dixie Ozark is going to be on hand as well.
Matt:  Love Her!!  Stubby Stonehenge has some little known facts about Nebraska to share.
Jay:  I’ll need to know those before I get there.  And you know what else I’ll need?
Matt:  What’s that?
Jay:  Some Meditations by Martin to keep me calm during my travels.

Matt:  Sounds as though this is going to be a laugh packed show.
Jay:  Made only funnier by the fact that we’ll be calling the Butterball Help Line.
Matt:  Along with Butterball we have a new seasonal sponsor as well.
Jay:  Holy Cow, this is HUGE!!

Matt:  I know right?
Jay:  If folks don’t listen to IWS Radio LIVE tomorrow from Noon-2 PM ET they’re wacko.
Matt:  And un-American.
Jay:  I think we’re ready.
Matt:  God Bless American and Green Bean Casserole!!
Jay:  Uuch, I think I’m feeling sick again.

To listen to the IWS Radio Show LIVE tomorrow from Noon-2 PM ET, click HERE.   

Matt Said, Jay Said 5773

Matt kvetches.  Jay kvetches.  You get verklempt.

Ring Ring…

Matt:  Hello?

Matt:  Hello?

Matt:  Jay?  If this is Jay, or even if it isn’t, I can’t hear you.  Hello?

Matt:  Jayman?  Did you leave the mute switch on, on your headset?  Hello?

Jay:  Holaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

Matt:  I couldn’t hear you…You left the mute switch on, didn’t you?

Jay:  Noooooooo………okay, maybe.  And it’s sad too, because I was singing to you.

Matt:  Sorry I missed that.  Hey I made friends on Facebook with (name redacted).

Jay:  Oh did you now…She has yet to accept my friend request, nor does she acknowledge me on Twitter.

Matt:  Yeah, she ignores me on Twitter as well, but…She’s now my friend on Facebook.

Jay:  Well isn’t that sweet?  That doesn’t make sense, I am so much nicer than you.  How did you manage to get her to friend you? What?  Did you tell her that your girlfriend is having major surgery next Friday?

Matt:  Yes!!

Jay:  Damn…You are one brilliant motherfucker!!

Matt:  IKR?  I will be playing up the gutting of Schmoop for all it’s worth between now and next Friday.

Jay:  I would t--…You sick opportunistic bastard…by the way, and speaking of opportunists, we should probably do a Hanukkah show this Saturday.

Matt:  Oh Hell Yeah. Love the Jews and their magic candle.

Jay:  IKR?  We could talk about our favorite Jews…such as Natalie Portman.

Matt:  Or Scarlett Johansson.

Jay:  And our least favorite Jews such as Schmoop’s boss.

Matt:  He’s not Jewish.

Jay:  Maybe not officially, but he is in spirit.

Matt:  We could check-in LIVE with the Hanukkah celebration going on at Ariel Sharon’s place.

Jay:  Suhweeeeeeeeet.  We could also talk about Hanukkah foods, and lesser known Hanukkah songs that our vast and diverse worldwide audience may not be familiar with.

Matt:  Excellent, and maybe we’ll have our pal Joey Goodbar sing one of his own Hanukkah songs.

Jay:  This is shaping up to be quite the walk through the desert.  It’s gonna be HUGE!!

Matt:  I think so, and as any good Jewish agent would say, “Let’s hope the ratings are as well.”

Join Jay and Matt LIVE tonight, Saturday December 8th at 11 PM EST on Blog Talk Radio, for their Hanukkah Extravaganza.

You can catch the Hanukkah action LIVE, by clicking HERE.

Poetry 'n' Such with Paul Piatt

Gentle, yet heartfelt greetings to all of you discerning drinkers of the warm and aromatic coffee of life that is the IWS website.

Renown poet and IWS Literary Editor Paul Piatt here once again, in order to share with you some of today’s finest in the world of poetry, prose, and people.

Today, during our monthly journey of words made magical, and life’s pentameters made iambic, I introduce you to a fellow tea pourer of the ginseng type, my friend and fellow, yet yellow poet (pardon me as I snicker), Deng Zhao Hiram.

Hiram is a Chinese Jew, and with the Hebrew holiday of Hanukkah nipping vigorously upon the soles of our soulless, yet plodding, and troubled feet, I thought it a most appropriate time to allow Deng to spread the wisdom of his tea leaves, and the eloquence of his bitter herbs upon the virtual pages of the IWS website.

The last time Hiram was in the states, I met him at an off-the-trolley-path coffee shop in San Francisco.  The café, cloistered amongst soiled, story-telling walls of high rises and echoing trolley bell clangs, smelled of Davidian sweat, Boxer Rebellion angst, and pierogies.

Imagining myself to be a Jewish-Chinese warrior fighting off both the Assyrians and the colonialists, I soaked in the aroma of ancient euphoric history like a sponge soaking up a 15th century stain of spaghetti sauce and herbal tea left upon the tablecloth of life by Zehng He or Mehmed the Conqueror .

Sitting down with Deng in that rustic eatery, I felt so alive, and then, while experiencing dizziness and euphoria as my head swayed side to side to the magical rhythm of an unseen metronome, in his perfect, yet broken English, Deng spoke to me…

“Rut the fuck up rith you Paullllll?”

I giggled as most poets do when in the presence of greatness of those who command the gift of words, and then sheepishly looking up from the menu which was a bit Spartan in its offerings, but did make available gluten-free items, I said to Deng…

“In your honor, I think I will be ordering the beef tenderloin in marinara sauce served gingerly upon a bed of angel hair pasta.  The angel hair pasta complements your heavenly use of the English language.”

Upon the verbalization of my culinary requirements, Deng smirked, and with a look of wonderment said…

“I think I’ll have the half-pound mushwoom burger wif a double order of unwin wings.  I am soooo sick of calramarwie and wice.”

After some secretive small chat, our dinners were served, yet before we began the ingestion of our main courses, he recited an appetizing haiku from his newest book, The Bok Choy Burned for Eight Days…

Need wight, temple dark.
Antiochus is a dick.
Ree must jack him off.

For now, as I travel the road less traveled,

Paul Piatt

And as always…Jay and Matt broadcast another epic IWS Radio Show yesterday.  If you missed their talk about sitcoms and how their uber-hot friend dissed them, and has bad taste in sitcoms, you can catch it all here:

Happy Hanukkah...From Mel Gibson

Happy Hanukkah everyone and L’Chaim to all my friends of the Semitic ‘suasion. Mel Gibson here for I’m With Stupid with a Hanukkah message of hope and inspiration to all my brothers and sisters born from kosher loins and Jewish gestational juices.

I know that I have said some bad things about your misguided yet very personal and profound beliefs in the past, and as you did unto Jesus have killed my career over my words, however…I like Jesus, am here to resurrect myself.

I want to be in tune with your religion, so that I may grow to have a better understanding of what you and all the Hollywood agents believe, and therefore heal my soul, and more importantly…my career. So…

Uncork the Manischewitz and give a big blow on the shofar…for today is the first full day of Hanukkah. But because I care, I say to you my Jewish friends…be careful not to bump your big noses on the flute of the horn while blowing it, my brethren.

As part of my redemption and court-ordered sensitivity training, I have discovered what the magical beauty of Hanukkah is all about.

You see… Hanukkah for the Heebs is like Christmas for us normal people. We eat, drink, make merry, and give presents to one and other.

Sure, we Christians only get one day of celebration as opposed to the Jews who get eight, but well…that’s just shrewd business practice.

In fact, even though I am worth millions, I know that if I could get eight pieces of bacon for the price of one, I’d jump at the offer. Nothing wrong with being underhanded at times frugal. The story of Hanukkah itself is quite fascinating as well…

You see…Hanukkah is also known as the Festival of Lights. Centuries ago, some upstart Jews called the Maccabees, refused to pay retail for enough candle oil to burn for eight days inside of a recently defiled Temple. So… 

They cut a deal with God, and our Almighty allowed the candle to burn for eight days. Miraculous!! Of course two centuries later, the Jews showed their gratitude and repayment of this miracle, by killing His only begotten Son. Which proves the following…

Give a Jew an ounce of candle oil, and he’ll take a gallon…OF YOUR ONLY OFFSPRING’S BLOOD!! Oy Vay!! Anyhoo…

In spite of my nasty walkabouts with those of Heebiosity, I am ready to make amends. And by that, I mean making movies that highlight the Jewish peoples…er people…er peoples. Whatever.

I was thinking of redoing the classic 1970 movie of the attack on Pearl Harbor and replacing the Japs with the Jews and calling it, “Torah!! Torah!! Torah!!”

I know that my balancing of anger against your ilk has far to go, but I think this could be a good start.

Of course… I need to convince Jerry Seinfeld to take the part played by Toshiro Mifune as Yamamoto.

Jay and Matt-Man will be celebrating Hanukkah today at 11 AM EST on the I’m With Stupid Radio Show so tune in today at 11 AM EST:

I'm With Stupid:  Hump Day Hanukkah Hilarity

In the meantime, and in support of my efforts my to help the Jews out, bring me the heads of Antiochus IV and Holofernes.

Simply, and Yours in Vegemite,

Mel

Email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter: @mattmaniws