Shut the Fuck Up with Hank Philpot Episode 2

Hello.  Hank Philpot here.  I’m a friend of Matt-Man.  I was going off on some things the other day to him and he said I could write down my bitches about the world today on this blog thing.

He told me that today, I could consider the IWS blog to be my, tablet razor or something like that.  I don’t know what he meant by that, but here I am….Hank Philpot.

Now listen, this basketball coach at Rutgers, Mike Rice?  It seems he’s in a boatload of trouble.

I guess he was trying to get his Scarlet Knights of Rutgers basketball team in shape for the season and he was too hard on the God Damn pansies.

He threw basketballs at them…He pushed them…He called them faggots…Well let me tell you…

My father used to beat me on the ass with a bolo paddle for calling my sister a whore, and my Drill Sergeant, Gunny Sarge Buck Masters used to stick a bayonet up my ass for being three seconds late to a drill.

Don’t give me this, “He was too hard on those basketball boys, shit.”  Shut the Fuck Up!!

Coach Rice just wanted them to be ready for when they played big time schools with darkies who play with one hand on the ball and another hand carrying a switchblade.

If you can’t see that, well…you can’t see that your 12 year old is boy probably gonna turn out to be a gay bastard who views Rachel Maddow as the man that Chris Hayes wishes he could be.

It’s just wrong, and if you don’t agree…Shut the Fuck Up!!

And now that I have invoked the names of people who appear on MSNBC have you seen the following..?

Alex Wagner…Cute as hell…I’d take her down and pluck her in my chicken coop anytime, but man she opens her pretentious mouth, and I say, “Shut the Fuck up.”

And then there is Mika Brzezinski, liberal star of Morning Joe on MSNBC…Jesus Christ…That chick has been riding on the coat tails of her dad since, well…ever since her dad helped Jimmy Carter to become irrelevant.  But in all fairness, her dad has a thick accent so, that makes him smart.

Mika has no accent, so….well…her stupidity shines through.  You know what I have to say about that?

Mika?  You’re not bright!!  So shut the fuck up!!

Oh people. Some are coming around to our gun-toting, God-Loving side…

I was told by a devout quasi-Catholic, yet somewhat agnostic, religion reporting guy this week that he hates Martin Bashir as well…

And why shouldn’t he?

Sure...Martin Bashir stands tall among his fellow Christ Haters, in all of his MSNBC, London born Pakistani glory in a tight knit seersucker suit coat talking in his condescending UK accent to Americans, while aggrandizing about our hate for foreigners, but...you know what Mr. Pak Man?

Shut the Fuck Up!!

Sure…We can let the children in, but then?  We should eat them!!  I hear that that is what they do in those types of heathen countries from which you came illegally!!

You know what, Mr. Bashir?

Shut the Fuck Up!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

Building The Perfect Woman

I had planned on writing about Mitt Romney and President Obama today, but last night at the Beer Mine, something happened that took today’s post topic in quite a different direction.

A lady came through to get some beer.  She was very charming, very polite, and incredibly cute.  However…

The chick had a “crazy eye”.  One of her gorgeous eyes was askew.  Kinda like the late, great Jack Elam…

But nonetheless, and as she pulled away, I began thinking…If she were to wear an eye patch, that chick would be hot!!  And then, I thought…

Even without an eye patch, she still would be hot because there are certain, “out of the mainstream” physical characteristics that I find attractive on a woman.

While I am a fan of breasts on the more, shall we say, ample side, I am even more of a fan of great cleavage, and some women regardless of boob girth, have great cleavage, for example, Katy Perry…

Another thing I have always dug on a chick, is a big nose…Now it has to be an attractive big nose.  Kelly Clarkson has a decent schnoz that I would like to blow, and it’s pierced, which is kinda cute…

Now, right wing talking head, and FOX News contributor Laura Ingraham, has the epitome of a sexy nose…

but as I find her to be a repugnant human being, I just can’t go there, although I guess I just did.

Anyhoo...

Eyebrows!!  I dig fertile, furtive, and cocked eyebrows…A good eyebrow can say so much.  And as far as eyebrows today, I have to give a shout-out to touchy-feely, super elitist, and uber-liberal, Alex Wagner of MSNBC…

Dat chick got some sexy ‘brows!!  I want to lick them!!

Another off the mainstrean liking I have, is a woman with a gap between her two front teeth.  Who comes to mind?

Anna Paquin…

In addition, Anna is sporting some sex cleavage in that picture, and a touch of the crazy eye as well!!

So there you have it folks.

My perfect chick would have an eye patch (or not), great boobs and cleavage, a big nose, expressive eyebrows, and a gap between her two front teeth.

In other words, she would look like this…

I don’t care what you say…THAT’S HOT!!

And you know what else is hot?

Listening to Jayman and me on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio today at 11 AM ET.

We are going to do an early analysis of the looming Steel Cage Death Match between Willard Mitt Romney and Barack Hussein Obama.  It is gonna be a HOOT, so…

Join us LIVE at 11 AM ET today by clicking HERE, and remember you can always call-in live at 661.244.9852.  We so loooooove the calls from you folks.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

Matt Said, Jay Said XXI

Matt pale…Jay pale…You, koute.

Matt:  Hellro?
Jay:  Hellooooooo?
Matt and Jay:  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Matt:  How the hell are ya?
Jay:  Oh fine.  I actually slept through the night last night.
Matt:  That’s good.  You still sound plugged up n’shit.
Jay:  I’ll muddle through.  I’m a trooper.
Matt:  Indeed you are.  How’s the ear, van Gogh?
Jay: Better…it only feels like there is a needle in it, once in awhile.

Matt:  So what topic should we bastardize on the show this Sund---
Jay:  Oh no way…
Matt:  What?
Jay:  Geraldo Rivera just said that Trayvon Martin’s wearing of the hoodie was just as responsible for his death as George Zimmerman was.
Matt:  Ha. Funny.
Jay:  No, he really did.
Matt:  What the fuck?  Oh dear God, Rivera is a moron, and in this case, a douchebag as well.

Jay:  Following that logic, the scorn and ridicule cast upon Rick Santorum is due to him wearing sweater vests.
Matt:  Well…It is, partially.
Jay:  Okay, bad analogy.
Matt:  So what we be talking about this Sunday?

Jay:  Well I have several ideas…most of them infantile.
Matt:  Those are the best ones.
Jay:  We can do the Asian Celebration Show…The Hangover Show which we have talked about, or…
Matt:  You sound excited; lay it on me.
Jay:  We could do…are you sitting down?
Matt: No, but go ahead.
Jay:  The Hunger Games Show!!
Matt:  Holy Crap!!  You are a fricking marketing genius.
Jay:  I KNOW, Right!?

Matt: We could talk about the foods and…
Jay:  And other stuff we hunger for.
Matt:  Mmmmmmm…like Tyra Banks.
Jay:  And Tammmmmmra
Matt:  And an obscenely large pizza fully loaded.
Jay:  That’s HOT!!

Matt:  We’ll take your idea, let our show hits coattail on the movie, and talk about what we hunger for in life.
Jay:  Sometimes I hunger for myself when I am this brilliant.
Matt:  We all hunger for you.
Jay:  As I sensed some sarcasm in that reply, we should end our show prep, sine die.
Matt:  Otay, but make sure you wish your Mom a Happy Birthday for me on Saturday.
Jay:  Alright.

Matt:  I’m going to send her a heartfelt birthday wish via e-mail tomorrow as well.
Jay:  You sick fuck.
Matt:  What?

Jay:  You will refrain from being gross and creepy, right?

Matt:  Jay, it’s me, Matt-Man…c’mon.
Jay:  Uh-huh.  Later dude…time to watch Alex Wagner’s eyebrows.
Matt:  Okay Hot Shot.
Jay:  “click, click, click”

Make sure you catch Jayman and Matt-Man Sunday at Noon ET on Blog Talk Radio, as they discuss The Hunger Games.  To listen live, click HERE, and as always, share your hunger pangs with them, by calling in at 661.244.9852.