Thursday, May 22, 2014

Memorial Day 2014...Let's Party Somberly

This weekend in Bagwine, Ohio as well as throughout this great nation of ours…

Memorial Day Weekend will be giving birth to the long awaited season of warm sunny days, starlit nights, and profound reverence for America.

The sidewalks of Main Street USA will be lined with Chinese-made American flags, bemused children, hung-over parents, and patriotic lookers on-ers, as America celebrates her fallen soldiers, sailors, and Marines with dignity and honor in the form of out of tune H.S. marching bands, glad handing political hacks, and old men in fezzes driving clown cars, because…

Nothing says, “here’s to those who gave all on the beaches of Normandy”, quite like old, mothball smelling men wearing Devo hats, while driving shiny, happy Go-Karts!!  And then…

After Taps has been played and the “Amens” have all been said...

Mom will be off to the Memorial Day Sale at Macy‘s, and Dad will educate his son in the art of the deal, as he attempts to strike a good price on a new car by negotiating with a guy on stilts dressed as Uncle Sam at the local Buick dealership.

After that...The somber events of the mourning and reflection, must of course be balanced with a little fun.

Private and public swimming pools everywhere will be littered with splashing children and older pedophile types as the chlorine and pool filter systems work overtime in order to keep the urine and E. coli within acceptable levels.

As the day turns into early evening, a rebel family in Kansas will be having a blast playing with the last known set of "dangerous" illegal JARTS, while elsewhere in suburban America...

The beers will be popped open, the grills fired up, and kids will play croquet wearing chest protectors and bike helmets.

As the sun wanes, and the adults are left to their own devices…

A guy named Hank will pork his new neighbor Leon’s comely wife Ashanti, as Leon lies face down, passed out on a grill of hot coals, as he drank too much while grilling steaks in order to impress his new white friends in a neighborhood that was once “off limits” to “his kind”.

As dusk turns to night, the memories of the fallen laid to rest, and the DUI Checkpoints closed down, America will sleep well knowing that it is fucking amazing that we have somehow managed to last this long as a nation.

But then again…You know what the most amazingly patriotic thing to do for Memorial Day Weekend would be?

Listen to Jay, me, and the IWS Radio Players LIVE this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio as IWS Radio presents, Grillin’ and Chillin’ With Controversial Ingredients.

In addition to honoring our fallen soldiers, we will somberly and soberly be talking about beer, summertime fun, and the most important thing about Memorial Day…cooking-out, and what are the best things to grill and chill with.

So there you have it America.  Honor the fallen and listen to IWS Radio this weekend, because if you do not?

You hate America, hate Macy’s, and hate the American automobile industry.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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5 comments:

I'm With Stupid said...

MURICA! I can smell the freedom cooking.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Jay: Ha...That too, would have been a good show title. Cheers Jayman!!

Matt

Mike said...

'...the last known set of "dangerous" illegal JARTS.'

HEY! Don't tell everyone about my JARTS!
(I really do have an original set.)

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: Of course you do...why wouldn't you? Cheers Mike!!

Matt

jAMiE said...

I'll be listening...you can count on that!