Hola all you folks hanging
around the slowly dying Bloggerhood to the bitter end. IWS has a very special
treat for y’all today. I’m joined by my very good friend, the super smart,
funny, sweet, clever, talented and HAWT Gnetch AKA: Little Miss Sunshine!!!
IKR???!!!! Anyway, we’re here today to
give some of you budding Mommy/Daddy Bloggers out there some free advice on
making it in the Blogging World.
Gnetch: That’s right Jay and
hello to the IWS world! Blogging may be dead but not for mommy blogs. Seems
like mommy blogs will stay with us forever, at least until they stop having
babies or their babies grow up. Since mommy/daddy blogs are pretty common, I
have a few tips on how to be an EXTRAORDINARY mommy/daddy blogger.
Jay: That’s right Gnetch
babe! We are freaking EXPERTS on this shit. I mean just look at us, the happy
mommy and daddy with our beautiful United Nations looking family which is a HUGE advantage in the mommy blogging world for obvious reasons…
Anyway, here’s some very
good advice for you other mommies and daddies out there.
Gnetch: Giving your readers
the impression that your baby is extra smart because they learned how to say
"dada" at such an early age is pretty common. Readers have higher
standards now. They're not impressed with "dada" anymore. Unless
"dada" really means "fuck off", then that's extraordinary.
Jay: You’re absolutely right
on that. One of the biggest mistakes I see mommy/daddy bloggers make is they
brag about some of the most mundane things their little snowflakes do that
really aren’t all that special. Kids do cute shit all the time and they pretty
much all do the same cute shit. You gotta make sure your kids stands out!
Gnetch: Darn right! What’s
important is for mommies and daddies to make readers think your baby is better
than theirs. Do not just rely on them developing naturally. Teach them and let
your readers think they're just naturally talented.
Jay: What kinds of things
should people be teaching their babies?
Gnetch: In their first
month, while your baby is still trying to adjust to this strange new world,
teach them how to twerk. Oh, don't use the "they're just babies, their
bones are still weak" bullshit. It's a tough world out there. Better train
them early. Anyway, teach them how to twerk. This may take time, because
one-month babies can't stand by themselves yet BUT it will be worth your
effort. By the age of 3 months, they'll probably be twerking their way to you
to ask for milk.
Jay: That would be a pretty
special baby right there!
Gnetch: Oh, there’s more. In
their third month, when your baby is strong enough to hold their head steadier
(and can twerk), teach them how to pole dance. Install a pole in their crib and
let them figure out what to do with it. They'll figure it out. The kid will
reach for the pole, learn how to stand while holding on to the pole, and
eventually learn how to dance. You’ll be surprised.
Jay: This when mom and dad
need to get the video recorder out and make their kid a star right?
Gnetch: Dude, you are so right.
Make sure you document these talents on a video and post it on your blog.
OHMYGOD, your baby has natural talent. Of course no one should know that you're
the one who taught your baby. Our aim here is to make your baby sound special
and be on Ellen before the age of 1.
Jay: Special but not
“SPECIAL” right?
Gnetch: Ha! Right, we’re not
talking hockey helmet special here. We’re talking Miley Cyrus special talent
here. Most importantly though, to stand out as a mommy/daddy blogger, you have
to make sure your baby reaches fame and popularity. Add a few drops of alcohol
in their milk and have them snort a pinch of coke. You're gonna get hate for
this, that's for sure. But what matters is that you and your baby are famous.
Bad publicity is still publicity, right?
Jay: Hell yeah! Rehab at the
age 12? That’s gonna get your kid talked about on social media a lot and that’s
where fame starts. From there make sure the kid relapses so they can go on Dr.
Drew and Celebrity Rehab and then what happens?
Gnetch: Your kids go on Oprah and then they get their very own reality show! And THAT’S how you measure success as a
parent!
Jay: Damn right babe! Thanks
for sharing all your brilliant insight with us here today.
Gnetch: No, thank you!
Anytime dude.
6 comments:
Jay and Gnetch: You have a beautiful family, however your son in the back wearing the shades? He looks as old as you guys. Cheers!!
Matt-Man
Why did you choose that picture???? Haha!
Matt-Man: That's our manny. We're way to famous to be expected to raise our own kids full time.
Jay
Gnetch: Any picture of you is an awesome pic!
Jay
I want to know how Gnetch eats giant pizza and stays skinny.
Mike: Cause she's some kind of sexy freak of nature or something I guess. ha
Jay
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