Hola all you folks hanging around the slowly dying Bloggerhood to the bitter end. IWS has a very special treat for y’all today. I’m joined by my very good friend, the super smart, funny, sweet, clever, talented and HAWT Gnetch AKA: Little Miss Sunshine!!! IKR???!!!! Anyway, we’re here today to give some of you budding Mommy/Daddy Bloggers out there some free advice on making it in the Blogging World.
Gnetch: That’s right Jay and hello to the IWS world! Blogging may be dead but not for mommy blogs. Seems like mommy blogs will stay with us forever, at least until they stop having babies or their babies grow up. Since mommy/daddy blogs are pretty common, I have a few tips on how to be an EXTRAORDINARY mommy/daddy blogger.
Jay: That’s right Gnetch babe! We are freaking EXPERTS on this shit. I mean just look at us, the happy mommy and daddy with our beautiful United Nations looking family which is a HUGE advantage in the mommy blogging world for obvious reasons…
Anyway, here’s some very good advice for you other mommies and daddies out there.
Gnetch: Giving your readers the impression that your baby is extra smart because they learned how to say "dada" at such an early age is pretty common. Readers have higher standards now. They're not impressed with "dada" anymore. Unless "dada" really means "fuck off", then that's extraordinary.
Jay: You’re absolutely right on that. One of the biggest mistakes I see mommy/daddy bloggers make is they brag about some of the most mundane things their little snowflakes do that really aren’t all that special. Kids do cute shit all the time and they pretty much all do the same cute shit. You gotta make sure your kids stands out!
Gnetch: Darn right! What’s important is for mommies and daddies to make readers think your baby is better than theirs. Do not just rely on them developing naturally. Teach them and let your readers think they're just naturally talented.
Jay: What kinds of things should people be teaching their babies?
Gnetch: In their first month, while your baby is still trying to adjust to this strange new world, teach them how to twerk. Oh, don't use the "they're just babies, their bones are still weak" bullshit. It's a tough world out there. Better train them early. Anyway, teach them how to twerk. This may take time, because one-month babies can't stand by themselves yet BUT it will be worth your effort. By the age of 3 months, they'll probably be twerking their way to you to ask for milk.
Jay: That would be a pretty special baby right there!
Gnetch: Oh, there’s more. In their third month, when your baby is strong enough to hold their head steadier (and can twerk), teach them how to pole dance. Install a pole in their crib and let them figure out what to do with it. They'll figure it out. The kid will reach for the pole, learn how to stand while holding on to the pole, and eventually learn how to dance. You’ll be surprised.
Jay: This when mom and dad need to get the video recorder out and make their kid a star right?
Gnetch: Dude, you are so right. Make sure you document these talents on a video and post it on your blog. OHMYGOD, your baby has natural talent. Of course no one should know that you're the one who taught your baby. Our aim here is to make your baby sound special and be on Ellen before the age of 1.
Jay: Special but not “SPECIAL” right?
Gnetch: Ha! Right, we’re not talking hockey helmet special here. We’re talking Miley Cyrus special talent here. Most importantly though, to stand out as a mommy/daddy blogger, you have to make sure your baby reaches fame and popularity. Add a few drops of alcohol in their milk and have them snort a pinch of coke. You're gonna get hate for this, that's for sure. But what matters is that you and your baby are famous. Bad publicity is still publicity, right?
Jay: Hell yeah! Rehab at the age 12? That’s gonna get your kid talked about on social media a lot and that’s where fame starts. From there make sure the kid relapses so they can go on Dr. Drew and Celebrity Rehab and then what happens?
Gnetch: Your kids go on Oprah and then they get their very own reality show! And THAT’S how you measure success as a parent!
Jay: Damn right babe! Thanks for sharing all your brilliant insight with us here today.
Gnetch: No, thank you! Anytime dude.