Analysis: Summer Sucks

Holaaaaaaaaaa y’all! Well, we might have had a mild spring down here, but it looks like summer is going to be a scorcher! Temperatures here in the Greater Redneckville Metropolitan Area have already skyrocketed into the mid-nineties and humidity seems to have set in for the next few months at least. Of course, for many people this is good news. People love to get out and be active in the summertime and let me tell ya, there are lots of great places for that around here.

Some people like to go up to Bull Shoals Lake and go fishing, boating and swimming. I’m good with the

fishing and boating thing, but I don’t know about swimming. I mean, have you gotten a whiff of the lake water lately? It’s pretty stank. Besides, fish poop in there and I’m not a fan of swimming in fish poop. Also, please practice catch and release because there’s no way I’m eating anything that comes out of that cesspool. My fish comes frozen and breaded from the store thank you very much.

A lot of people also like to go down to the Buffalo River and go canoeing, tubing and swimming down there. The problem with that is that the further you canoe or tube down the river, the further you have to have to haul that shit back to your car. Oh sure, you can hire folks to do that for you, but that’s expensive. I think spending that money on a beachfront condo in Ft. Walton Beach sounds like a much better idea.

As for swimming in the Buffalo? No thanks. Again, fish poop all over the place. Plus, people always want to jump off cliffs or swing off the cliff on a rope and then into the water. Sounds like a great way to bang your head off some rock and get knocked to stupid, so I’ll pass. It also just looks snakey to me down there.

There are also many great hiking trails all around the Ozarks. Boy what fun that is, huh? Getting out there during the heat of the day walking along some trail deep into the woods in the American South? What could possibly go wrong? 

Oh gee, I don’t know! Maybe you could get mauled by a black bear? Or bitten by one the handful of poisonous snakes in this area? Or maybe a big old Elk will take a dislike to you and trample you without warning? Those things have been known to be pretty unpredictable, ya know! Or maybe you’ll just get lost and wander onto someone’s property and get blown up by a booby trap they have set up around their marijuana fields?  Sounds like so much fun huh? Yeah, no.

Another option would be to just to the pool here at my apartment complex. This isn’t too bad of an idea. I enjoy lounging around the pool and swimming. It’s good to get out there and just lay back and catch some rays to get that “healthy glow.” A bonus is all the Cougars and MILF’s running around in bikinis. That definitely makes things more enjoyable. Of course you can’t spell MILF without the “M” and that means kids. Obnoxious, screaming, crying, pissing in the pool kids! *sigh* So much for hanging out at the pool.

The only thing left is cooking out. This is something I can totally support. Cooking hot dogs, brats, burgers, chicken, pork chops, potatoes, veggies and all kinds of other stuff on the grill is one of the great summer traditions that we can all enjoy. What’s really great about grilling is that you can drink beer while doing it and when the food is done you put it on a platter and go back inside where the air conditioning is blasting away and there is comfortable seating. 

Now THAT’S how you enjoy summer folks!

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