An Open Letter from Kim Jong Un

Gweetings, Salrutations, and Annyeonghaseyo my fwiends…

North Korwean Pwesident Kim Jong Un here for I’m Wiff Stupid.

You are pwobably saying to yourselfishnesses wight now…

“Rut in the Hell is Kim Jong Un doing witing a post for IWS wif the thweat of Nucreear War rooming over Korwean Penisura?”

Rell, arouse me to tell you…

I do not willie runt nuclear war, but I must impwess upon my Generwals that I am in contwol.  Howrever, I rill continue my shenanigans until I weceive wespect and food aid wich I…er…I mean, our rong sufferwing people cwave.

You think I do this for myself?  Oh no, no, no, no.

I do this for People of Fwee and Democwatic Wepublic of North Korwea!!  Sahhhhhrute!!

Yu have to wemember, that I am but one score and two times five year old, and am merewee deveroping my butterfry rings, much rike a cwissariss inside of boilring kimchi pot, so people, even my own people whom I ruv rong time, hate me and rook at me wif waised eyebwow and sranted eye.  Ha-ho.

Things not good here for poor Kim Jong Un.  Korwean people ruvved my grandfather, and they ruvved my father, but me?  Not so much.

They rish they had a stellrar and sexy leader rike you Bawack Obama.  And rell…they rould occasionally rike to eat a meal consisting of something other than bedbugs and their own self-roathing.

I twy to bwighten their spirits by bwinging basketball gweat Dennis Wodman here, but all we got out of his twip ruz four pwegnant Korwean chicks who rill all name their babies, Carmen.

Since my assault on the front of goodrill failed, to gain us aid and serwious grobal headrines, I have had to wesult to nucreear thweats and hegemony.

Ree have nucreear reapons.  Don’t say ree don’t.  Ree have many…Okay ree have one, but hear me now and risten to me rater…

Ree are going to right that prutonium candle and see rut happens!!

It may detonate all over ourself, but as Jesus Chwist as my ritness, ree are gonna raunch it and see rut the Hell happens.

Unress, of course…Yu in the West meet my demands.

I rould rike an unlimited and rifetime suppry of Pizza Hut pizza. Pepprwoni Ruvver, preferwably.

Two…I rould rike an NBA basketball team to rocate in Pyongyang, and finalree…

I so desire one Amerwican hottie…Mirey Cywus.

Duh bitch is HAWT!!

Oh sure I used to ruv my rife but rate-ree all she do is nag about how small my GDP is, and that I don’t ask her how the tortures are going. Who needs that?

Not This Guy!!

If you bwing me the head and body of Mirey Cywus, I rill forwever be your al-rye and make nice riff evweeone.

So ret it be witten…so ret it be done.

Kim Jong Un

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws