Solving the Native American Team Mascot Problem

Hola y’all! As many of you guys know there’s a debate RAGING in the sports world over the use of Native American names and imagery as mascots for sports teams. A lot of people think they should be done away with because they are offensive to Native Americans. Well, today I thought I would solve this problem by suggesting some good alternative names for some of major sports teams that use Native American mascots.

Washington Redskins: The late great Tony Kornheiser has already solved this one. He says to just put a potato on the side of the helmet and that takes care of everything. I don’t really think I can improve on that idea.

Cleveland Indians: Most people think this one would be the most difficult, but not me. In fact, I’m taking a cue from Mr. Kornheiser and telling Cleveland that they don’t even have to change their name. Just change your logo to Frieda Pinto. Problem solved.

Edmonton Eskimos: I don’t know if people in Canada are really up in arms over this one or not. It doesn’t seem as bad as some of the others. But, if it is a problem simply change the team name to “Edmonton Eskimo Pies.” Who doesn’t love ice cream? They can give out free Eskimo Pies to kids and make little Eskimo Pie Pucks to sell as souvenirs and shit like that. It will be a great move marketing-wise!

Atlanta Braves: The Braves are probably the second most controversial team after the Redskins when it comes to offending Native Americans. A lot of people really HATE the war chant too, including me. My dislike of it comes mostly from the fact that they stole it from Florida State University though. Actually, if you watch Braves baseball games, you can kind of tell that the fans are a bit embarrassed by the chant too. Instead of “Daaa-daa-da-da-da” they’re more like “Saaa-aaa-rr-rr-y” So the obvious answer is to simply drop the “B” and go with the Atlanta “Raves” Just get someone to draw a silhouette of a person with a glow stick in his/her hand and hitting a bong and build a mosh pit in the bleachers in center field and all will be right with the world.  

Kansas City Chiefs: Again, a very simple fix. Just change the name to the “Chefs.” The fans could all wear silly chef hats to the games and KC already has a great tailgate party tradition so the new name fits right in! Also, get Giada de Laurentiis to model your football gear or to put her name on some Kansas City Chefs tailgating gear and rake in the money guys!

Florida State Seminoles: FSU is who all the other “war chant” teams have modeled their offensiveness after. They claim the okie dokie from the Seminole Indians so they have no intention of changing. BUT … If they do change I have a great idea for them. They could change their nickname to “Florida State University Semicolons!”  Think about it! Semicolons are every bit as controversial as Seminoles and far more intellectual which is a great thing for a major institution of higher learning to do. I think this is my best idea of all!  

Chicago Blackhawks: This is really a tough one. I don’t want them to have to make a HUGE change to the name. Just changing one or two letters is preferable. I mean, I guess they could go with the Chicago Blacks … Wait, you can’t do that. Shit I don’t know about this one. Oh I’ve got it. The Chicago Blackcawks! That won’t upset anyone!

There you go! As you can see, a little creativity and an open mind usually solve all problems and make everyone happy. A name change isn’t the end of the world. Look how great things have gone for the Washington Wizards since they changed from the “Bullets!”

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS