Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Christians of Convenience

Cheeeeeeers Chuckleheads…

We are already a full week into Lent and before you know it, many will be celebrating the fact that Jesus dangled from a cross, got stuffed into a cave, and then a couple days later walked back out in order to roam the Earth for awhile, pick up some Chinese food, and then head up the astral staircase to lounge about with his dad for all eternity.

What a great time to be a Christian!!

Of course…anytime is a great time to be a Christian, well…provided it doesn’t interfere with one’s personal moral compass, or their bigotry, or their intolerance, or…their whoring, their judging, their hypocrisy, their…well, you get the picture.

Yes indeed, even more so than at Christmas, during the Easter season there are Christians, Christians all around, yet not a drop of grace to drink.

Certainly, there are plenty of people who call themselves Christians and proudly sashay down the runway of pretentiousness draped in bejeweled trappings of haughtiness and a tiara or top hat of arrogance, acting as though they had just been named Mr./Miss Jesus Christ is Lord 2013, but…

Beneath the saintly veneer of these self-regaling righteous ones, exists the anti-soul of the Devil, and persons who have no time for beatitudinal details.

Take my neighbor, Little Jimmy Stewart for instance…Claims to be a devout Catholic…a devout Christian. Believes in in God, guns, and his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  Hell, he reminds me of Lt. Kendrick in A Few Good Men, albeit an out of shape Lt. Kendrick.

Seriously, ol’ Jimmy thinks of himself as a follower of Christ, so much that, he has scorned and chastised me for often using Christ as a comedy tool. “That’s not funny. You make fun of Jesus, and you are going to Hell.”

Two things about that…First of all, Jimmy boy has no sense of humor, because like it or not, using the purity and sanctity of Jesus and twisting it into something gross, sexual, and/or amoral is fucking funny, and secondly?

People like Jim, and there are plenty, shouldn’t tell me how offensive I am being by making Jesus jokes when their Facebook pages are littered with nothing but bigoted posts, anti-gay posts, Obama is a non-citizen nigger posts, and holding weenie roasts/Quran burnings like Jim did a couple of 9/11’s ago.

Hypocrisy I tellz ya…Hypocrisy in its basest and most definable form, and the pity is, most of them never see it, because, Jesus loves them this they know for their ignorance tells them so.

Hell I know a couple of women, one in particular.  She has the perfect family, the perfect marriage, goes to church religiously, and scorns me for not going to Church and like Jim, berates me for having some occasional comedic fun with the Holy Baby Jeebus. She too, has in the past, told me that I am going to Hell.

She’s really amazing because let me tell you, between her sinful vanity sessions of having her capped teeth cleaned, her manufactured tits adjusted, and giving blow jobs to the barber across town who is not her husband, I have no idea how the hell she has any time left in the day to judge me!!  But by golly, I guess the Lord gives her 25 hours in a day because…She’s a Christian!!


Listen folks.  It’s fine to call oneself a Christian.  I do, however…I admit my mistakes, my failings, my transgressions, and more often that not, publicly.  On Facebook.  Or on the air.  Or on here. Sometimes to Jayman’s chagrin…Anyhoo…

Here’s my Lenten message to all of you self-proclaimed Christians who rationalize your shortcomings and eat from the body of Christ ala carte…

Quit being such phony fucks.  There is no shame in failing as a human being and sinning here and there, but to pretend that you don’t, that is the greatest sin of all, because when you do that, you never seek forgiveness, and more importantly, you never change your ways.




I'm With Stupid said...

There's nothing worse than people who use their supposed Christian awesomeness to cover up for being really shitty people.


I'm With Stupid said...

Jayman: I know sooooo many of them. Bagwine is rife with people who suck, and yet are running for the office of, Christ on Earth. Cheers Jayman!!


Mike said...

Hypocrisy are us. Showing now at your local religious institution.

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: Amen. Cheers Mike!!


Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

Loved this!!

I needed this hump day giggles Matt thank you!

I'm With Stupid said...

Peg: Well I'm glad you did and thanks. Have a great Hump Day Peg. Cheers!!


Leigh Anne said...

Preach it, Matt-Man!

I'm With Stupid said...

Leigh Anne: Why thank you, and I shall!! Cheers Leigh Anne!!


Dana said...

I'm a hypocrite - with or without religion. All of us are.


Edita said...

I do say that I am Catholic when I am asked what my religion is - I never go deeper into the convo than that!

Cheers peeps!

I'm With Stupid said...

Dana: But not admitting as many do, is the problem. Cheers Dana!!

I'm With Stupid said...

Edita: Well a Very Happy Lent to you, Hot Stuff. Cheers Edita!!


Jo said...

I really loved being a Catholic, and I miss it, but...principles and shit. Life sucks. The End.

Great post, Matt. It makes me uncomfortable in places, but I do agree!

I'm With Stupid said...

Jo: Why thank you very much Jo. I used to be Catholic as well and I like the beauty of the Mass, but eh, in the end nearly all churches are nothing more than businesses, and I can't stomach it. Cheers Jo!!