Friday, January 6, 2012

Springfield, Ohio...The Unhappiest City in the United States

It has come to my attention and to the attention of many others that over the past three years, Gallup has been conducting a survey of citizens in 357 major U.S. population centers in order to find the happiest and most unhappy cities in the United States.

While the poll showed that Ocean City, NJ is the least depressed, and Casper, WY is the happiest, the poll also showed that the most unhappiest place in the Unites States in none other than…

Cue the fanfare…

Wait for it…

That’s Right, America!!

Springfield, Ohio!!

The municipality of my musings.  The city limits of my solace.  My lifelong friend and hometown that I adoringly and affectionately refer to as, Bagwine, Ohio, is Number One!!

Or, as I should say to our burgeoning population of Mexican-Springfielders so they too, can celebrate…

“Bagwine, Ohio is Numero Uno, Mi Amigo…Pass the 40 of King Cobra and Viva Zapata!!”

While being Number One in the area of, “U.S. City that Sucks the Most” may seem like a stigma to some communities, we here in Springfield are awash with tears of joy induced by our new found notoriety.

Being the worst at something isn’t necessarily bad.  You know what is bad?  Being obscure.

And today, we in the Champion City, just as the Phoenix rose from the ashes, and Edmund Hillary scaled to the top of the Everest, have cheated the cold clench of obscurity and proudly planted our flag of penultimate angst and ill-will atop this naïve and otherwise happy-go-lucky nation.

Our amber waves of grain waft in the wind in the form of the purplish bull-thistle that acts as a waving, weedy headstone atop the razed land where the International Harvester plant used to stand.

The Crowell-Collier Building while mainly empty and no longer publishing 20 Million periodicals a month like it did until 1956, still looks down upon the city as life goes by.

The once thriving population of some 82,000 has dwindled to 60,000 at best, but that means one can get through the lines at the Porta-Potties much more quickly during the Downtown Plaza Parties in the Summer.

Our dumpster diving industry is still going strong, although being the industrious workers that we are in Springfield, we have glutted the aluminum recycling market, and prices are quickly dropping.

Alas, I ask…are we collectively in Springfield, Ohio really all that unhappy?  I have no idea, because I have no idea who Gallup contacted during their survey.  I know I wasn’t contacted. I don’t know anybody who was.

The answer to my question might be found in something a long time friend of mine, Sherri said in response to my posting of these results on my Facebook page.  She said…

“Not to be corny, but happiness is not a place.”

After responding to her by saying that the spot where a chick’s back of the thigh melds into her ass is a very happy place, I figured she was right.

In all seriousness?

I work among the masses here in Springfield, Ohio, and while things aren’t great or anything, I don’t see this place being the unhappiest place in America.  I see it as probably how many Americans view their own cities, towns, and burgs.

Just a town full of some people who are doing well, some doing okay, and some doing not-so-well.

I’d venture to say that if my BFF/OSP Schmoop and I were living anywhere else, we’d still be in the group that is “doing okay”, and…we’d still be happy, which gives credence to what Mizz Sherri said.

However…

Another friend of mine, Tiffany, commented on the same Facebook post as Sherri and said the following as to why people in Springfield aren’t very happy…

“Only because they don’t listen to the I’m With Stupid Radio Show.”

Tiffany is a freakin’ genius.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
twitter:  @mattmaniws

13 comments:

Beth said...

We're famous! I'm so proud;)

I'm With Stupid said...

Beth: It's better to rule in Hell than to serve in Heaven. We're Number One...Woot!! Woot!!

Cheers Schmoop!!

Matt-Man

I'm With Stupid said...

I just want to congratulate Springfield and the whole Miami Valley on your smashing victory! Unfortunately, I'm hearing that news of finishing first at something, ANYTHING, has made people there so excited and ... well ... happy that you're no longer #1.

Which will of course be very depressing news and this whole vicious cycle will start all over again. Oh the ups and downs of life in Bagwine!

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Jay: Getting to the top of the bottom of the heap is easy. Staying there is the difficult part. Cheers Jayman!!

Matt-Man

Rhonda G.! said...

I say a big hearty CONGRATULATIONS to the CITY OF SPRINGFIELD!! As long as people are talking about it, they are wondering what it must be like to live in a city that is industrious as to get their name on such a list!! Run Springfield, Run!! And dont look back!!

I'm With Stupid said...

Rhonda: Ha. We are the little engine that could...make a name for ourselves even in our worst of times. Take that South Central. Pffft, y'all ain't got shit on us. Cheers and thanks for re-post on FB, Rhonda!!

Matt-Man

Mike said...

I happy that you a Schmoop have something to be proud of. But remember to just be proud and not happy. You don't want to lose you throne.

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: I lost my throne years ago in the back of a Plymouth Road Runner. Cheers Mike!!

Matt-Man

Things I love said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Things I love said...

Haha go Springfield!!! I guess that's why I make music to pass the time in this unhappy ciy!!!:)-
reverbnation.com/charityrae

I'm With Stupid said...

Things: Swingfield RAWKS..or something. Cheers to ya!!

Matt-man

Unknown said...

I just read this and its true. Springfield is awful. Why do u ask. Because its a dying city. With no hope for revival. The job industry is meger at best not offering many opportunities for even college graduates not to mention if you have a criminal record. Many cant find job so they do illegal things. In turn go to jail which puts them in a visious spril going nowhere. Everyone i knew there growing up didnt have a father. We grew up on welfare. You could never get ahead on welfare. If u made to much they took it away. U was only given enough to survive. With no father in the picture most boy my age had to learn how to become a man. How did we do that u ask. By movies,rap musick, watching other older gang member. We got locked in the system. And once your in good luck getting out. And this is all normal to us.this is everyday life and we would never relize it. It took me moving away to relize that life was far from normal. Not every one goes to jail. Not everyone fights or parties or does thing society deems unacceptable. When i moved to arkansas i seen how life is really lived and how to be a genuine man and not some worthless street kid. When ever i go back to visit my family i am sicked and just want to take them from that place and tell them there is a better world life here isnt normal. U can have things without always worrying someone will steal it. U dont have to be affraid when u leave the house. Your children can go to schools where they are top rankend in the country and prasue a college education. Insted of the most unhappy city it schould be the most desprate city made up of strong individuals who have no clue that life is different. U can find jobs u can stay out of prison not everyone goes to jail. Springfield should be deemed the land of the lost or the city of the forgoten. I know the mayor warren copeland and his wife and the have tried every effort to rebuild the city. By tearing down old abadon house. Investing in urban development. A new state of the art hospital. Which might i add is terrabl. Non of the jobs offer insurance. We can even use it. Springfield just needs to break the cycle. No loner alow employers to check criminal records. Let thes people work. There might be a few bad eggs but trust and believe springfield is full of untapped potential just being squandered do to it residents not being able to work

William Owen said...

I just read this and its true. Springfield is awful. Why do u ask. Because its a dying city. With no hope for revival. The job industry is meger at best not offering many opportunities for even college graduates not to mention if you have a criminal record. Many cant find job so they do illegal things. In turn go to jail which puts them in a visious spril going nowhere. Everyone i knew there growing up didnt have a father. We grew up on welfare. You could never get ahead on welfare. If u made to much they took it away. U was only given enough to survive. With no father in the picture most boy my age had to learn how to become a man. How did we do that u ask. By movies,rap musick, watching other older gang member. We got locked in the system. And once your in good luck getting out. And this is all normal to us.this is everyday life and we would never relize it. It took me moving away to relize that life was far from normal. Not every one goes to jail. Not everyone fights or parties or does thing society deems unacceptable. When i moved to arkansas i seen how life is really lived and how to be a genuine man and not some worthless street kid. When ever i go back to visit my family i am sicked and just want to take them from that place and tell them there is a better world life here isnt normal. U can have things without always worrying someone will steal it. U dont have to be affraid when u leave the house. Your children can go to schools where they are top rankend in the country and prasue a college education. Insted of the most unhappy city it schould be the most desprate city made up of strong individuals who have no clue that life is different. U can find jobs u can stay out of prison not everyone goes to jail. Springfield should be deemed the land of the lost or the city of the forgoten. I know the mayor warren copeland and his wife and the have tried every effort to rebuild the city. By tearing down old abadon house. Investing in urban development. A new state of the art hospital. Which might i add is terrabl. Non of the jobs offer insurance. We can even use it. Springfield just needs to break the cycle. No loner alow employers to check criminal records. Let thes people work. There might be a few bad eggs but trust and believe springfield is full of untapped potential just being squandered do to it residents not being able to work