IWS Person of the Week: Matt-Man Bitches!!

As always…If it’s Sunday, it’s time for the IWS Person of the Week, and this week boy howdy do we have something special planned for you.

Typically, we look outside of the inner-sanctum and cloistered halls of IWS Radio and look for someone who has made news in the world during the week.  But this week?

We have done a 180 with our necks, and looked within our very own staff, and we pronounce Matt-Man, who just turned 50, our IWS Radio Person of the Week…

Matt-Man, while humble and gentile (and by that I mean he is GENTEEL, not that he is a non-Jew, although he is) has had a history of bringing the girls to the yard, and those lucky girls always remember their first time, and delight in it…

As skillful as he is with the ladies, Matt-Man also has the enate ability to appear considerate and act like he actually cares what you are talking about…

He really doesn't, but he does what he has to do in order for everyone that he meets to feel comfortable, unless of course…

You are one of those idiots who feels that flashing a Peace Sign is all the rage, and then?  Well…He is none to happy…

So here’s to IWS Radio’s very own Matt-Man…Long may he wave, or at least flounder with abandon in the sky, within the damp and cold of the February wind as he keeps an open-mind to new ideas...

Speaking of Matt-Man’s Birthday…He tore it up yesterday and today, IWS Radio will discuss hangovers, birthdays, and mid-life regrets as IWS Radio presents: Sunday Morning Coming Down Hard

Jay, Matt, and the entire IWS Radio gang are going to celebrate birthdays and lend their compassion to more than a few hangovers.

So join Jay, Matt, and IWS Radio LIVE TODAY from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.

T o listen LIVE click HERE.

Wrapping Presents Is Like Having Sex

In keeping with the spirit of Christmas, I have altered the meaning of sex as applied to the holiday of the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

I offer you an insight into my life with following definition alterations. From now on, and throughout the remainder of the Christmas season, these are the rules of the lexicon of sex…

Have Sex = Wrap presents
Having Sex = Wrapping presents
Had Sex = Wrapped presents

To wit, and heretofore is the following…

Back when I was a teen one Christmas Eve, my girlfriend Sherri and I were having sex in my bedroom when my brother Party Marty walked in. He burst out laughing because Sherri and I were so sloppy and bad at having sex.

Unfortunately, when the bastard walked in on us, he not only got a good laugh, he also got a full frontal peak at what she was giving him for Christmas. He left. We finished having sex, and I put a big bow on her box.

During the holiday season, I enjoy going to department stores and watching the young women behind the counter have sex. I don’t know how they do it.

They stand there 8-10 hours a day having sex in front complete strangers. It’s adorable watching the young boys and girls watch the chicks have sex with Daddy’s package.

I guess it is not really a bad gig. I mean having sex for 10 hours and getting paid for it, I may look into that.

When I was a wee lad, I remember one Christmas morn in particular. It was about 4 A.M., and I awoke with a thirst.

I straggled out to the fridge for a drink, and lo and behold, there were my mom and dad furiously having sex on the kitchen floor. Ribbon was flying everywhere, and without stopping, Dad told me to go back to bed.

One thing that always happens to me when having sex is that I run out of tape. It sucks because I can’t get the job done and nothing stays where it should while having sex. It’s really quite frustrating.

I remember another source of frustration as well. Back when I was a very young, left handed child, having sex was awkward and difficult for me.

Fortunately I had a number of older brothers and sisters who were always eager to lend me a hand. It was so nice of them to help me have sex.

Our family had a great time in those days. Our tightly knit clan would gather together to eat sausage balls, drink eggnog, and have sex as we listened to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing the Hallelujah Chorus over and over. Good times, good times.

Having sex can be one of the most joyous experiences of the holiday season.

And by the way, friends...

We still have a couple of days until Christmas. If you’re in the neighborhood, stop by, because I have gotten pretty good at having sex over the years…so if you need help having sex as I once did, I would love to help you have sex too.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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Tweet Me Under The Mistletoe

For Some Women, The Time For Good Sex Is Ticking Away

As Jayman and I are doing a show full of debauchery this coming Sunday, I thought I would get you all in the mood today with a bit of insect sex I experienced some years ago, but....I start out talking about those nasty ass "fish"...carp.

They wallow around in the shallows, the males trying to lure in a hot female with his crank bait, tossing out some cheesy line in carp-speak. It is a lovely ritual that hearkens in Spring. It also reminds me of something that happened to me many, many moons ago.

I guess I was about 17 years old and one late June afternoon my girlfriend at the time and I made our way to a secluded cove at the local State Park to fish. Well, actually… 

I was fishing and she sat on a blanket and read, but you get the picture. I was catching a few here and there and having a good time. I turned to Sherri at one point to show her a pretty good sized bass that I had caught and lo and behold there she sat.

She sat there staring at me, smiling. Her legs spread provocatively and her shirt unbuttoned revealing her lacy red bra and glistening cleavage. Boo Yah…

I could hear the wocka wocka guitar music from every low budget porn movie I had seen blaring in my head. I could feel a pup tent erecting itself in my shorts. I put down my rod, (no, not that one silly, my fishing rod) and lay down next to her.

My lips pressed against hers. My hands began caressing her perky nubile breasts. My tongue licking the salty sweat from her---Well you get the picture.

We were now entirely naked and going at it like two horny Proboscis Monkeys in a mangrove swamp. Our warm bodies rolling around on white sand and our secret protected by the seclusion and the dense canopy of the cove. 

It was glorious, and an example of young love at its most passionate. As we neared the state of climactic euphoria, we simultaneously moaned and screamed, for it was at that moment that we discovered that we were both covered in......ticks.

That’s right, blood sucking, disease laden ticks.

We were mortified to say the least. My anxious dork went from being a tribute to teenage virility to being a shrunken cowering nob of innocuousness.

We picked ticks from each others most intimate parts like baboons giving each other a rinse and set. It was as if we were both suffering from the humiliation only a nursing home resident can feel at the hands of a sadistic nurse…young passion gone terribly wrong.

For two weeks after the fiasco, we still felt ticks crawling on us although it was just our minds trying to process the events. I have recovered for the most part, but to this day, whenever someone mentions Lyme disease or spotted fever, I cross my legs and let out a little whimper. I tell you this now in order to prevent it from happening to you.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattmaniws
Facebook Me And Love It!!

IWS Babe of the Week: I Like My Bitches Hot and Rude

Today on the IWS Radio Show from Noon-2 PM ET we will be talking rude people, but as it is Babe of the Week day on the IWS website, we are celebrating rude bitches that make us HOT!!

Diva...Princess...Nayyyyy, QUEEN!!  The epitome of beauty, brains, and boldfaced bitchiness...Raquel Welch.  Spank Me Foxy Roxy and make it hurt, 'cause I know you want it to!!

Oh sure...On the surface Lucy VanPelt seems nice, but below those raven locks lurks a heart of pure sarcasm, loathing, and abuse.  That's HOT!!

Now.  Who is this you ask?  This is Sherri...A MILF and last week's guest on the IWS Radio Mothers' Day Show.  Doesn't she look sweet?

She may be an nurse, an Angel of Mercy if you will, but...She's obviously no Florence Nightingale...RUDE!!

Lastly...We have sexy supermodel and hip hugger to John Legend, Christine Teigen...Oh she's hotter than the metal rod of a recently spent sparkler, but man...Read her comments on Twitter and wow...Duh bitch is ruder than her hotness!!  We like that...

Alot...

So here's to all of the hot, rude chicks out there.  Long may your sarcasm and breasts wave.

Catch Jayman, Matt-Man and the entire IWS Radio gang today LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio as they discuss rude people...Unlike these hot, rude chicks, things are gonna get ugly!!

You can catch the action LIVE by clicking HERE...

Springfield, Ohio...The Unhappiest City in the United States

It has come to my attention and to the attention of many others that over the past three years, Gallup has been conducting a survey of citizens in 357 major U.S. population centers in order to find the happiest and most unhappy cities in the United States.

While the poll showed that Ocean City, NJ is the least depressed, and Casper, WY is the happiest, the poll also showed that the most unhappiest place in the Unites States in none other than…

Cue the fanfare…

Wait for it…

That’s Right, America!!

Springfield, Ohio!!

The municipality of my musings.  The city limits of my solace.  My lifelong friend and hometown that I adoringly and affectionately refer to as, Bagwine, Ohio, is Number One!!

Or, as I should say to our burgeoning population of Mexican-Springfielders so they too, can celebrate…

“Bagwine, Ohio is Numero Uno, Mi Amigo…Pass the 40 of King Cobra and Viva Zapata!!”

While being Number One in the area of, “U.S. City that Sucks the Most” may seem like a stigma to some communities, we here in Springfield are awash with tears of joy induced by our new found notoriety.

Being the worst at something isn’t necessarily bad.  You know what is bad?  Being obscure.

And today, we in the Champion City, just as the Phoenix rose from the ashes, and Edmund Hillary scaled to the top of the Everest, have cheated the cold clench of obscurity and proudly planted our flag of penultimate angst and ill-will atop this naïve and otherwise happy-go-lucky nation.

Our amber waves of grain waft in the wind in the form of the purplish bull-thistle that acts as a waving, weedy headstone atop the razed land where the International Harvester plant used to stand.

The Crowell-Collier Building while mainly empty and no longer publishing 20 Million periodicals a month like it did until 1956, still looks down upon the city as life goes by.

The once thriving population of some 82,000 has dwindled to 60,000 at best, but that means one can get through the lines at the Porta-Potties much more quickly during the Downtown Plaza Parties in the Summer.

Our dumpster diving industry is still going strong, although being the industrious workers that we are in Springfield, we have glutted the aluminum recycling market, and prices are quickly dropping.

Alas, I ask…are we collectively in Springfield, Ohio really all that unhappy?  I have no idea, because I have no idea who Gallup contacted during their survey.  I know I wasn’t contacted. I don’t know anybody who was.

The answer to my question might be found in something a long time friend of mine, Sherri said in response to my posting of these results on my Facebook page.  She said…

“Not to be corny, but happiness is not a place.”

After responding to her by saying that the spot where a chick’s back of the thigh melds into her ass is a very happy place, I figured she was right.

In all seriousness?

I work among the masses here in Springfield, Ohio, and while things aren’t great or anything, I don’t see this place being the unhappiest place in America.  I see it as probably how many Americans view their own cities, towns, and burgs.

Just a town full of some people who are doing well, some doing okay, and some doing not-so-well.

I’d venture to say that if my BFF/OSP Schmoop and I were living anywhere else, we’d still be in the group that is “doing okay”, and…we’d still be happy, which gives credence to what Mizz Sherri said.

However…

Another friend of mine, Tiffany, commented on the same Facebook post as Sherri and said the following as to why people in Springfield aren’t very happy…

“Only because they don’t listen to the I’m With Stupid Radio Show.”

Tiffany is a freakin’ genius.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
twitter:  @mattmaniws