Bill O'Reilly: Lincoln Had it Coming

Hola Bitches! Bill O’Reilly here!

As you probably know I have written a book about the Lincoln Assassination and as always, the Liberal Elite are right there to nitpick. They’re all up in my grill over these ridiculous things that they call “facts” that they claim I got wrong. So typical of these people! They love to scream and yell about stupid, useless stuff like getting names, dates and events factually correct. Like anyone gives a shit!

The liberal elites ask me if I did any research for my book. Who has time for that? Research means going to libraries and interviewing people and reading, right? I’m not into that kind of stuff. I’m more of a gut feeling kind of coach than an X’s and O’s guy. And, I take that same successful approach to my books.

Also, I’ve found that the liberal media isn’t a big fan of facts that don’t fit their ideological world view. This is something that conservatives don’t do. We know the facts intuitively and don’t need some pinheads telling us we’re wrong just because they can’t handle the truth.

The liberal intelligentsia are coming after me just like they did Lincoln. Trying to assassinate my character and hard work by creating an atmosphere of hate so bad, that they’re hoping someone will put a bullet my head just like Hollywood Leftist and Al Qaida member John Wilkes Booth did to Lincoln with his high powered rifle from the 6th floor of Henry Ford’s Theater as the president was arriving on the red carpet at the premiere of My Cousin Vinny.

But you know what? I have far superior security than Lincoln had. Hell, his Cadillac limo wasn’t even armored. And, I’m more careful than he was. Is it really any surprise that he was killed not long after pissing off the Black Panthers by signing the Missouri Compromise? And good grief, his attempts at nationalizing healthcare simply destroyed job growth. And, since he was president during peacetime, there was really no excuse for having a poor economy.

And let’s not forget about Lincoln’s strong support for gay rights and his vow to repeal Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and the Defense of Marriage Act. It’s that kind of casual dismissal of states' rights that put his name high on the ACLU’s hit list. Not to mention his fighting the War on Christmas and not allowing America hating atheists to ruin our celebration of the birth of America’s savior Jesus Christ down in Birmingham, Alabama. Boy did that piss off the communists who control the Democrat party!

Finally, the manner in which Mr. Lincoln went about putting together the “Coalition of the Willing,” the group of countries that teamed up with the Northern States to launch an unprovoked attack on the peace-loving and human rights respecting Confederacy which posed no threat whatsoever to the North was completely unnecessary. No wonder Move On was running those ads attacking Lincoln and that ruthless bastard General George McClellan!

Look, I’m not saying President Lincoln deserved to be shot. Just that he had it coming. Look, if you spend all your time antagonizing liberals, eventually something bad is going to happen. Just look at JFK! Not to mention all the people Bill Clinton had whacked. This is why I have to spend tens of millions of dollars to pay to have former Mossad agents to head up my security. It’s a dangerous world out there and getting on the wrong side of lefties is by far the most dangerous thing you can do.

If you would like to opine on this further, just hit up my man Jay.

Jayman
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