Johnny Vegas Picks the Conference Championship Games

Hola Gamblers! Johnny Vegas, IWS’ sports handicapping expert here to fire a perfect spiral of advice that hits you right between the numbers for a big score once again! As you may recall, last weekend I lit up the scoreboard by going 2-2 against the spread and 4-0 in picks straight up. Not too shabby!

It’s time for the conference championships which means there’s no more time to fool around. This is it baby! Winners go to the Super Bowl! And, the NFL has served up a couple of pretty tasty treats for us gamblers to nibble at. So let’s get right to it, shall we? As always, the favorite is in all caps.

AFC Championship: Baltimore +7.5 @ NEW ENGLAND:  Well kids, I think we all pretty much new all season long that this is where these two teams were going to end up. And to most this looks like a really tough match up with the potential for an upset. But, that’s why you need an expert like me. I make it my business to know how to see past the forest for the trees. And not just any trees, but the ones the money grows on baby.

After hours and hours of research and crunching the numbers, in my professional opinion, Ravens QB Joe Flacco plays like doggie doo-doo on the road. Now, I know this analysis flies in the face of conventional wisdom which tells us that Flacco is a mentally tough elite QB who can deal with all levels of adversity. But, I’m here to tell ya that just might not be the case.

So, even though 7.5 points seems like a lot, I think you can safely take New England to cover with ease as Tom Brady racks up big numbers throwing to Welker underneath most of the day and then catches the world by surprise by hitting Chad Ochocinco deep a couple of times.

NFC Championship: NY Football Giants +2.5 @ SAN FRANCISCO: And here are the two teams that very few people expected to see playing each other this weekend. Well, except for me, of course. This is why you should listen to me. I was all over these two teams last week, and I’m all over this game this week.  

You can pretty much just toss the line out on this one. It’s basically a pick ‘em game and may officially be by game time. For most people this is a tough game to pick. The Giants are riding the wave right now and appear destined for a Super Bowl XLII rematch with the Patriots and two full weeks of interviews with the entire fucking Manning clan, reminders that Tom Brady is married to Gisele Bundchen and replays of David Tyree’s catch. I can’t wait.

And, here’s something I’ve uncovered in my research. In games that kick off in late afternoons on the West Coast, in shitty stadiums against teams from cities with a large gay population Eli Manning plays a very relaxed style and is great at hooking up with receivers, backs and tight ends. Weird, right? But, the facts are the facts and I think it’s just impossible to overlook how happy Eli seems to be playing in cities in front of a lot of gays. Therefore, take the Giants to blow through the Niners and head on into the Super Bowl as they continue to surge. Hell, if they win a second Super Bowl, someone will probably erect a statue of Eli Manning.

Alright, there you kids. And, as always, if you’re desperate and pathetic enough to take gambling advice from someone on a website named “I’m With Stupid” then you deserve to end up being featured in a local news story about how your gambling addiction cost you your family, house job and car.

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In other news, on Wednesday’s edition of I’m With Stupid podcast Matt-Man and Jayman absolutely DESTROYED the bad internet censorship bills SOPA and PIPA and the government-loving, liberty-hating people who support those bills. I highly recommend you listen as it was a truly great show.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Gambling Expert Johnny Vegas on the NFL Playoffs

Hola Bitches! I’m With Stupid’s gambling expert Johnny Vegas here to breakdown this weekend’s big NFL Playoffs action. There’s lots of money to be made out there, but you gotta know where to look and pay attention to the details. If you don’t do that, the wise guys will take all your money and leave you standing alone in casino sports book and the haggard middle-aged cocktail waitress who’s been banged more times than Ringo Starr’s drum kit won’t even talk to you.

So, here’s my pick’s for this weekend’s games with the favorite in all-caps…

NEW ORLEANS -3.5 @ San Francisco (Sat 4:30 ET Fox): The 49ers defense is harder to score on in that shit hole of a stadium they call Candlestick Park than Viki Malicki back in high school. We used to call her “Viki NoDicki” you know what I’m sayin’? Her vagina had icicles hanging from it. Anyway, the Saints aren’t as good outdoors as they are in the dome and the perfect weather means the Niners field goal game should be in great shape. Niners get 8 field goals and one touchdown and not only cover the three and half points but win outright.

Denver +13.5 @ New England (Sat 8:00 ET CBS): So a lot was made about Tebow throwing for 316 yards last week and his favorite Bible verse being John 3:16, right? Well dig this, if he throws for 233 yards this week, Ezekiel 23:3 says “They became prostitutes in Egypt, engaging in prostitution from their youth. In that land their breasts were fondled and their virgin bosoms caressed.” OH YEHHHH BABY that’s some hot stuff right there! Look for the Broncos to play hard right to the finish and lose, but still cover the thirteen and half points.

Houston +7.5 @ Baltimore (Sun. 1:00 ET CBS): Dam, I gotta tell you the truth, I almost forgot this game was being played. These two teams are almost as interesting as reading about Mommy Blogger’s precious little fucking snowflakes. But, I’ve got the stat of the week to help keep you interested. In games played outdoors at 1 pm when the temperature at kickoff is between 29.7̊ F and 33.2̊ F, the Houston Texans are 3-11-2 against the spread and 2-14 overall. Since the game is outdoors and kickoff temps should be right about 30.9̊ F, that makes this an easy pick, take the Ravens to cover the seven and half points and don’t fucking bother watching this snoozefest.

New York Football Giants +8.5 @ Green Bay (Sun. 4:30 ET CBS): By far the most intriguing matchup of the weekend. The Packers are the defending champs and are at home, but their defense has been getting rolled almost as bad as the French Army in WWII. Look for Giants WR Victor Cruz to be doing some sexy salsa dancin’ in the end zone on Sunday. Hey, I’m secure in my manhood enough to admit when I think another man is good looking and has some sexy moves in the hip area. So, I’m expecting the Giants magical run to continue and for them to pull off the HUGE upset here and not only cover the eight and half points, but actually win the game outright. Then, after the game is over you can lean back, close your eyes and visualize Victor Cruz salsa dancing the night away in celebration of the big win. And remember Tebow fans, in Psalms 16:11 it says “In your right hand there are pleasures forever.” I’m just sayin’!

So there you go America, the kind of expert analysis* you just won’t find anywhere else. Hope everyone wins big this weekend!

*If you’re such a pathetic degenerate that you would actually take gambling advice from a fake handicapper on a website called “I’m With Stupid” then you deserve all the bad things that will happen to you.

Jayman
Email: Jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

And, on Wednesday we broke down the New Hampshire Primary as only we can on I’m With Stupid Podcast. Plus, we introduced the newest presidential candidate running for the republican nomination Mississippi Mike who isn’t from Mississippi! It was pretty much 45 minutes of nonstop hilarity, so check it out!

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