What IWS Fans Are Saying

Showing posts with label Election 2012. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Election 2012. Show all posts

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

America the Beautiful Hot Mess


Hola Revolutionaries! As of the writing of this post, I don’t know who will win the election. The “data” says Obama will, but my gut says Romney. That’s mostly because my gut usually expects the absolute worst in every situation. It doesn’t really matter all that much who wins though, not because “They’re all alike!” or because “They’re basically the same person!” but because this country is almost completely ungovernable. We’re out of control here and nobody seems to be able to reign us in. We need a complete overhaul.

The first thing we need to do is change the way we elect our president. Hell, we need to change the way we elect everyone from Dog Catcher on up. Does anyone actually live in a place where the Dog Catcher is elected? Where did that “He couldn’t get elected Dog Catcher” come from? If it was an elected position I would run for it and hand our fliers showing how much I love dogs and how much they love me. That way people would feel like I wouldn’t hurt their wittle pup-eeee if it got loose.

Having two main candidates and a slew of crackpots and potheads running for president isn’t really the problem. I’d be fine with fifty candidates. What I hate is that the two major party candidates raised and spent a combined TWO BILLION DOLLARS this election cycle. That’s an outrage. Most of it was spent on TV ads that were ignored, bitched about and even cut out completely by people who watch things on their DVR or online.

What’s worse than that though is how we actually vote. We simply MUST nationalize our voting laws. We can’t have fifty states voting under fifty different laws. There needs to be some sort of consistency here. And to me, that consistency would be to do all voting by mail. Every state would have to send out the ballots one month before the election and they have to be post marked by the day of the election when sent in. There should be ballot collection places all over town and it should be made as easy as possible. Get rid of the rigged touch screen voting machines, get rid of the punch cards, butterfly ballots and especially get rid of all the little quirks that each state’s laws have. It’s maddening and results in people giving up trying to vote in many places.

Then we have to do something about the length of the campaigns. People are already trying to position themselves for the Iowa Caucuses coming in up in 2016! The party primaries drag out for months and months and of course fundraising has to start a year or more in advance. Then the general election is a whole summer of negative ads, people yelling at each other, fake outrages, fake scandals, GAME CHANGERS and all the other stuff that helps turn voters off.

Then we’ve got to completely overhaul infrastructure in this country. We can drive a remote controlled dune buggy around Mars, but if the power goes out for two minutes here in Redneckville, the cable, phone and internet takes two hours to get back online. We need to modernize our electrical grids and move utilities underground. We need to shore up coastal areas from New Orleans to Florida right up the East Coast to NYC that have been ravaged by storms over the last decade. We need to improve the public transportation systems all over the country including building high speed rail to connect major metro areas and we need to repair and replace hundreds of thousands of miles of highways and bridges.

We need to end the wars both abroad and at home. End the war in Afghanistan; we’re not accomplishing anything over there now, if we ever were at all. Stop meddling in the internal affairs of every tiny piece of shit country all over the globe and focus on protecting our borders and our people. Most of all we need to end the War on Drugs™.  It’s the longest and costliest war we’ve ever fought and Drugs won a long time ago.

What’s most important though is that we need to remove the most important obstacle to doing these things. We have to stop letting the 20 to 30 percent of the people who oppose all forms of progress and who believe every tinfoil hat conspiracy that shows up in their email every day. We’ve got to stop appeasing these people, ignore their “It’s a plot by the United Nations to take over and turn us into a Socialist Islamic Theocracy and outlaw Christianity” bullshit. Let the Lizard Brains just stew in their idiocy and the rest of the country full of normal, intelligent and reasonable people move forward.

Yeah, I know. You’ll only agree to this if YOUR GUY wins.

Fuck you America.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 

Monday, November 5, 2012

Jayman the Great

Hola voters! The 2012 presidential election is almost over! And not a minute too soon either. I don’t think I can stand to see another political ad for or against anyone or anything. It’s all just too much. In fact, someday when I become benevolent dictator, the first thing I’m going to do is outlaw all political and advocacy ads except the ones reminding everyone what a great leader I am.

Just for the hell of it, here are some other things I would do …

- I would guarantee government subsidies for men trying to meet Asian chicks.

- I would name Miley Cyrus the Secretary of Fashion.

- I would outlaw all left turns unless you have a turn lane or a protection light.

- I would lower the drinking age to 18, but raise the legal driving age to 21 to avoid teen drunk driving problems.

- I would extend the base paths in baseball from 90 to 95 feet to eliminate all close plays.

- I would outlaw all reality TV shows except Swamp People and that new show about the day to day lives of strippers that VH1 is supposedly doing.

- I would outlaw all feminine hygiene ads, erectile dysfunction ads and ads where people talk about having gas or diarrhea.

- I would also make whatever a person pays for lap dances a charitable deduction on his taxes.

- I would require BTR to rank more than one episode if multiple shows are still getting plays.

- I would ban Celine Dion songs from being played on any radio station in the country. I will allow her to continue to perform in Vegas, but nowhere else!

- I would also ban all sideline reporters in both NFL and College Football. Compete wastes of time.

- I would also bad that Goddam prevent defense crap that coaches always do late in game when they have a precarious lead. It almost always leads to a loss.

- I would move the presidential retreat from Camp David to a small fishing village in Mexico.

- I would get rid of that bullshit tax exempt status that churches enjoy.

- I would shut down the WNBA.

- Cut two dollars in aid to Israel for every one dollar the republicans cut in social programs aimed at children.

- Make it felony for people living in upstairs apartments to crank up their music to ridiculous volumes punishable by 37 years in prison.

- Throw a big-ass blogger and podcaster party in Las Vegas that would be free for everyone.

- Ban the McRib cause that’s some nasty shit man.

- Gather all the world’s most brilliant scientists and have them find a way to make Pepperoni Lover’s Pizza with extra sauce, Mexican food, cheeseburgers and Pepsi totally healthy without losing the great taste. This will go down as my greatest contribution to humanity.

- Oh and I guess I would make sure everyone had equal access to decent healthcare and all that kind of shit. Whatever.

- Make kids go to school year round with only two weeks off around July 4th and Christmas.

- Make any adjustments to any laws to improve my happiness and comfort level whenever necessary. I mean the happiness and comfort level of my loyal followers! Yeah, that’s it.

As you can see, I would be a great benevolent dictator and I would make the world a much better place. I think we should all get busy making this happen as soon as possible. Thanks.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

In other news, Sunday’s episode of I’m With Stupid was absolutely fucking hilarious. Well, it was to Matt and Jay at least. We talked about the upcoming Presidential election, made some predictions about what might happen we one side or the other loses, had lots and lots of fun at Dick Morris’ expense and generally mocked all these pretentious political pundits that we’re all sick and tired of seeing and hearing from all the time. It was a seriously funny show so check it out!


Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

President Obama Comes to Springfield, Ohio

Cheers and Hail to the Chief Bitches!!  President Obama is coming to Bagwine, Ohio Friday at Noon.

And do you know why he is coming?

Because, he has openly spoken of his drug and alcohol use during his early years, and he knows that he can easily get hooked up here wit dat type uh shit here in Bagwine.  Hey-Ooooooo.

Ha-Haaaaaa…Kidding, of course.

But seriously…

If President Obama truly wants to know his audience here in Bagwine, Ohio and how he should act when he comes here Friday to address Bagwinians at Springfield High School, I have a few pointers for him.

Here in the Greater Bagwine Metroplex people don’t mind numbers, but keep it relatable.

DON’T say…

“If re-elected, I will produce 8 Million jobs over two years which will yield an economic growth of 3.2 percent per quarter and ultimately lead us to a GDP of a gazillion dollars.”

DO say…

“If re-elected, I will produce so many muthafuckin’ jobs that even if the price of a 40 of Busch remains at the outrageous price of $2.45, all y’all, or at least a family member or two, will have no trouble getting more than their share of the American Pie and can pass some of the sharing and thereby savings, not to mention the buzz, on to you!!”

DON’T say…

“While world oil markets are tenuous at best, I will try to hedge, barter, and bargain to keep the cost of gasoline below four bucks a gallon.”

DO say…

“While those Romney freaks say that I am trying to over-regulate business and commerce, nothing could be further from the truth.  Springfielders?  In my second term, I will make the siphoning of gasoline from your neighbor’s car legal, and your fuel costs will plummet overnight!!”

DON’T say…

“To the ladies in the audience…Regardless of what you think or your religious disposition, Birth Control for women is a right, and if your employer won’t offer it to you, the government will.”

DO say…

“Yo Bitches…Regardless of what you think or what the pimp whom you are working for thinks, he needs to offer you Birth Control, and if he doesn’t, the government will.”

DON’T  say…

“I will try to finally get Republicans to be serious about our out of control illegal immigration problem and develop a plan that is both compassionate and strong.”

DO say…

“Yo Paco!!  Great to see that the Dole plant here in Springfield let you off for the afternoon to come and see me.  Viva Packaged Salads!!”

And then President Obama, you could make a joke about your “Kenyan” birth, because knowing these people here in Bagwine as I do, you would get support from at least half a dozen people who would yell…

“That’s okay Mr. President, my momma told me that I was born half  Thalidomide, half Asbestos…It’s cool.”

So there you go Mr. President…do these things, and Friday’s event in Bagwine, Ohio will go over like gangbusters, or if you want to be more real with your audience, it will go over like gang bangers.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Gary Johnson 2012, Libertarians Are Sexy!!

Are you one of the top one, two, or even ten percent income earners in this great land of ours and are sick and tired of President Obama publicly excoriating you for not paying what he considers to be your fair share of income tax?

Or?

Are you one of the forty-seven percent of Americans who pay no income tax, yet daily, pay a boat-load of other taxes, and are labeled by Mitt Romney, as irresponsible, worthless, and a moocher looking for nothing other than a government handout?

Well my friends, have I got a Presidential candidate for you to look into and see if he is for you, and that would be…

Former New Mexico Governor, and 2012 Libertarian Candidate for President, the Honorable Gary Johnson.

Gov. Johnson is a no-nonsense, fiscally sound, yet amusing and personable public servant who built his own construction company from nothing, unlike President Obama, who has a career based on social work, and Gov. Romney who has never really built a company, but instead has spent his entire career carving off and selling out at great personal profit, existing companies.

As Governor of New Mexico from 1994-2003, Gov. Johnson became well-known as a tenacious watchdog in all matters fiscal.  He balanced budgets in the Land of Enchantment State several times through weighing cost-benefit analysis rather than singly focused ideology or the typical closed-door promises of self-interested lobbyists.

I am as far as most definitions go, a fairly Liberal guy, however, I have a huge Libertarian streak in me as well, in fact, I have often defined myself politically as a, Liberaltarian.  And here is what I like about some of the policy stances of Gov. Johnson…

*End excessive spending, bloated stimulus programs, unnecessary farm subsidies, and earmarks.

I am not against an interjection of Federal stimuli when needed, but earmarks and antiquated subsidies?  Oh Hell Yes!!

*Enact the Fair Tax to tax expenditures, rather than income, with a 'prebate' to make spending on basic necessities tax free.

I don’t mind a fair and flat, consumer type tax at all, and with his caveat about basic necessities being tax-free, that’s a plus.

*Legalize, tax, and regulate marijuana, rather than wasting money on an expensive and futile prohibition.

I don’t even smoke dope, but therein lies a HUGE cannabis cash cow into the Federal hookah right there.  Right Duuuude?

*Eliminate needless barriers to free trade and make it easier for would-be legal immigrants to apply for work visas.

In this, Gov. Johnson highlights something similar that Americans don’t really hear about.  We allow bright foreign, college age students to come to this country to get a world-class education, and upon graduation, they want to stay here in the U.S. to start a business and we say, “No, I’m sorry, your Visa has expired.  Take yourself, your first-rate Stanford, M.I.T, or Harvard education, and your great ideas back to where you came from.”  Brain Drain!!

Lastly…

*Government should not impose its values upon marriage. It should allow marriage equality, including gay marriage. It should also protect the rights of religious organizations to follow their beliefs.

Gov. Johnson and the Libertarians have my full support on this one.  Gays should be recognized as legally wed couples if they should want to tie the knot, but the government should NOT dictate that churches recognize it as so.  Legally binding marriages, yes.  Church approved marriage?  Eh, that’s up to the particular churches and denominations.

Ha, and you know what the irony of legalized and fully lawful recognition of Gay Marriage is?  Churches everywhere would be accepting it, because there is money to be made on marriages.

Anyway…While I only touched on a few policy views of Gov. Gary Johnson and the Libertarian Party, I like these principles.

There are more than a few of his policies with which I disagree, but eh…He is a nice change of pace, and…I am going to give considerable consideration to him when it comes to my vote on November 6th.

To check out Gov. Johnson’s campaign website and delve further into his stand on many other issues, you can click HERE.

Be involved...Be informed...and most importantly...Be a voter.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS