Pete Carroll and Bill Belichick: Great Americans and Persons of the Week!

IWS is proud to announce this week’s Person(s) of the Week are Pete Carroll and Bill Belichick! These two brilliant football minds will do battle in Super Bowl XLIX! What a clash of titans this is gonna be y’all! Just check these two guys out…

Pete Carroll: An abject failure the first time he was an NFL coach, Carroll returned to the league has head coach of Seattle one step ahead of an NCAA posse at the University of Southern California. Once in Seattle, Carroll’s boyish charm and boundless energy helped propel the Seahawks to instant credibility. After paying free agent Matt Flynn QB an outrageous amount, Pete up and drafted Russell Wilson and next thing you know the Seahawks are Super Bowl champions and Flynn is nothing more than the answer to a trivia question on sports talk radio. In his spare time Carroll loves to search for proof that 9/11 was an inside job and the holocaust never happened. (Okay, I MIGHT have made the holocaust thing up. Not sure.)

Bill Belichick: Bill could not possibly be more different than Pete. Well, except for the being a cheater part. That part they have in common. Belichick was also a disaster in his first stint as an NFL coach. Of course that was in Cleveland so he kind of gets a pass for that. Anyway, his big break came when he was personally tabbed by Bill Parcels to succeed Parcels as head coach of the NY Jets. The day after accepting the job, Belichick flipped the Jets the bird and agreed to take over as head coach for the Patriots who had just fired … Pete Carroll! In his spare time Bill Belichick breaks up marriages by having affairs with married women and drinks the blood of babies. (Okay I MIGHT have made up the drinking blood of babies part.)  

So there you go! Congrats to Coach Carroll and Coach Belichick! You guys are both winners in our book!

And, don’t forget to tune into “Super Bowl XLIX: DesertSmackdown … Seahawks, Patriots and Katy Perry’s Breasts!” on IWS Radio Sunday at 12 Noon ET. 

Bobby Petrino: Coaching Mercenary

Holaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa y’all! It’s yet another cold snowy, sleety, shitty night here in Rendneckville, but apparently is a warm and exciting in Louisville, Kentucky! Former UofL, and Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino is returning to where his legendary coaching career really took off and will once again be the head football coach of the Cardinals. Those folks at Louisville are good, decent and forgiving people. Well, either that or they’re like a battered wife who keeps taking her abusive husband back. I’m not totally sure.

Let’s take a look at Petrino’s qualifications for the job …

- While head coach of the Louisville Cardinals he racked up a 41-9 record, led them to four bowl games including a BCS bowl!

- While head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks he cleaned up the mess left by Houston Nutt and was 21-5 in his last two seasons including a win in the Cotton Bowl and an appearance in the Sugar Bowl.

- In his one season at Western Kentucky he led the Hilltoppers to a respectable 10-2 record.

Wow! That is impressive! If you also include his years as offensive coordinator and quarterbacks coach at various big time colleges and NFL teams you can see that Louisville got themselves one hell of a coach. But, what ELSE is on his resume?

- After his second season as offensive coordinator for Jacksonville, Petrino “disappeared” a day or so after the season ended. Nobody knew where he was or what he was doing. The next day they all found out he had taken the offensive coordinator position at the University of Auburn without telling anyone.

- In 2003 when Petrino was the first year head coach at Louisville he secretly met with officials from Auburn University. They discussed their plans to oust AU head coach Tommy Tuberville and bring him in as the head coach. The meeting was found out and the coup fell apart and Petrino had to go on the apology circuit.

- In 2004 Petrino secretly met with people from Florida, Mississippi and Notre Dame about their open coaching positions. None of the jobs panned out and he assured everyone he didn’t want to be anywhere but Louisville so they have him a new five year contract. Five days later he secretly met with LSU about their coaching job which eventually went to Les Miles.

- In the summer of 2006 Petrino signed a 10 year $25 million dollar contract with Louisville. In January of ’08, just six days after the Orange Bowl, he left Louisville for the Atlanta Falcons.

- With three games left in a miserable first season in Atlanta, Petrino informed owner Arthur Blank that he was resigning and said goodbye to the other coaches. He then got on a plane and flew to Fayetteville, Arkansas where he was introduced as the new head coach of the Razorbacks.

- On April 1 2012, Petrino was in a serious motorcycle accident. After insisting for several days that he was alone in the accident, he finally admitted that he had a rider on his bike. The rider was 25 year old Jessica Dorrell, who he admitted to having an “inappropriate relationship” with. A few days later we all found out that Jessica had also recently been hired into a position within the UofA’s athletic department which answered directly to Petrino. We also found out that she had no qualifications for this position and all other candidates who were passed over were all very qualified.  Oh, and Petrino had also giving Dorrell, who was engaged, a $20,000 “gift.” So, the UofA fired understandably fired him.

Woo-Weeeee! What a hell of a guy you’ve got Louisville! You must be so proud. Well, I’m sure Rick Pitino is happy now that he’s the SECOND sleaziest coach at that school. I’m sure you guys are all reassuring each other with statements like “Bobby knows he can’t screw up again” or “Bobby knows he has to straighten up and fly right” and other bullshit. Just admit that you put winning above all else and enjoy all the wins Petrino will bring you. Even though I know you will, please try not to act surprised when he fucks you guys over a second time. That’s what happens in these abusive relationships.

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Men Get Screwed and Women are Liars

You know who’s really got it rough in this country? You know who’s really being discriminated against? You know who’s really getting the short end of every stick?

MEN! That’s who.

Folks, things have just gotten out of hand here. It’s bad enough that we have all these stupid holidays and observances that have basically become “What are men getting for women” days. But shit, it’s pretty much open season on men. All you have to do is watch sitcoms and all these cell phone and beer ads and men always depicted as weak, stupid, lazy or all three.

And look at how much time and money is spent on women’s medical issues. You’ve got every single men’s pro sports leagues wearing pink at different times to raise money and “awareness” for breast cancer research. Do you see women’s sports leagues making a big deal over prostate cancer? Fuck no.

Hell, every Wednesday is “Boobie Wednesday” on Twitter where women show off cleavage and their boobs. Again, this is done to raise breast cancer awareness. But, is there a “Testicles Tuesday” for testicular cancer awareness? Fuck no.  

We put most of our educational focus on women too. Well over 50% people attending undergraduate colleges in America are women. Same goes for most graduate level and law schools. And, well over 50% of academic scholarships got to women too. This happens despite the fact that we all know that women suck at math.

And then, after getting those very expensive degrees what do women do? They work for about three years and then leave to go be “homemakers” and declare that their new job title is “mommy.” THEENNN, after like 10 years, when they’re finished squeezing out puppies and the kids are in grade school, they just show up at their old company expecting to be not only given their old job back, but to be installed into the position they would be in had they never left.

Worst of all people is that women are just full of shit. They make a HUGE deal about how they like men who are nice, decent, good, and sensitive or have a good sense of humor and shit like that. They love to bitch about men who treat them like crap and yell at them and cheat on them and all that shit too.

But, you know what? That’s what women prefer. They love being treated like shit. They love being cheated on. They love men who don’t help out around the house. They love men who don’t do their share to raise the kids. THAT’S THE WAY WOMEN WANT IT!

You know why men lean out the window of their car and wolf whistle at women and then put their fingers on the edges of their mouths and wag their tongues at them? Because it fucking works, that’s why. Those are the dudes who always have women all over them. How many guys do you know who treat women like crap and cheat on their significant others repeatedly who are lacking for female companionship? FUCKING ZERO! THAT’S HOW MANY!

Hell, remember Scott Peterson? Killed his gorgeous pregnant wife Laci and his hot as hell mistress Amber Frey finally ratted him out on what a shitbag he was? He gets hundreds and hundreds of marriage proposals from women every year. Yeah, dude beheaded his pregnant wife and dumped her body in the bay. He’s a great catch ladies!

What a load of shit. Guys, we might as well all just go gay. We’ll actually be treated decently by women if we do that. Sure, there’s that whole anal sex thing, but that probably only hurts for a little bit. On the positive side, we’ll actually get those blow jobs we love so much a lot more regularly. So it’s not all bad.

It’s either that, or just all become womanizing, cheating, abusive insensitive pricks.

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