What Does the GOP Want?

Hola all you political junkies and casual observers out there! So here we are, once again on the verge of a possible government shutdown because the GOP believes that no matter how many elections they lose, and no matter of small a percentage of the people agree with them, they should get everything they want. The question is “What does the GOP want?” Well, the defunding of Obamacare is the obvious answer, but there are a number of other things that they want too…

- For all women to have to formally request permission to have sex anytime they want to. The request will be made to the highest ranking white male elected official from the state. The information will be made public so everyone knows which of your female coworkers and friends to scorn the next day and which men to high five.

- A HUGE sign at every single point of entry into the country that reads “Welcome to America! The greatest country on Earth. NO HOMOS!”

- Twerking lessons for Michele and Marcus Bachmann. Mostly they’re for Marcus. Also, Lindsay Graham.

- To make it illegal to Tweet “spoilers” of any TV show or live awards show until the people on the west coast have had a chance to see the show.

- For the federal government to legally declare that a fetus is a person with all the same rights and protections under the law as everyone else. The same law will also declare school aged children to be “parasites” and therefore not deserving of or eligible for any social programs like food stamps or school lunches.

- If they can’t get a complete defunding or even delay of Obamacare, they will ask if it can at least be limited to people in the top tax brackets only.

- While they’re in a repealing mood, the GOP will also see if they can repeal the Americans With Disabilities Act, the Civil Right Act, the Voting Rights Act and the 14^th, 15^th and 19^th Amendments.

- “Means Testing” of Medicare and Social Security. By “means testing” they mean only people WITH financial means will be eligible.

- To be notified before anyone else when there is “fresh meat” at their favorite strip clubs.

- The elimination of the designated hitter rule in the American League.

- Every network must show nothing but “Little House on the Prairie,” “Andy Griffith,” “The Flinstones” and “The Lawrence Welk Show” every night.

- To have everyone in the Kardashian family deported. Wait, that’s my demand. Sorry.

- For Cable News to be limited to Fox News and Nancy Grace. All other shows and networks outlawed.

- For Saturday Night Live to be cancelled.

- The elimination of all these silly “defenseless player” and so-called “concussion” rules.

- For NetFlix to be required to stream “The Shield.” (Sorry, that’s another one of mine.)

- Finally, for the Bill of Rights to be replaced with The Ten Commandments. (All white males and elected officials will be exempted of course.)

Seems reasonable to me, right?

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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In other news, we put on yet another quality show on IWS Radio yesterday. We celebrated Confucius Day by sharing some of the deep wisdom of his lesser known brother Profucius! We also checked in with Ted Cruz throughout the show to hear what he was talking about today. Then got the first ever Smugly Superior with Dana report which was awesome and belittling of all you Breaking Bad morons out there. We paid tribute to the McLaughlin Group and the Saturday Night Live sketches based on that show.  Brown Beasley called in for a bit and we spent the rest of the show engaging in all kinds of fun and games. Definitely check it out …

Current Comedy Podcasts at Blog Talk Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

IWS Person of the Week...Sen. Ted Cruz

The news coming out of Washington, D.C. of late can be summed up in two words...TED CRUZ.

Damn right.  U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) is a Cuban-Canadian turned Lone Star State maverick which means of course, he is one bad ass mutha-Shut Yer Mouth, eh?

He stood on the Senate floor this past week and for 21+ hours and spewed his righteous indignation toward the Black Magic of Obamacare and at anachronistic legislators whose relevance has long passed.

Some would prefer to run away and hide from the brutal truth and painfully prophetic words of Sen. Cruz. But he is blocking the door...

Oh sure, some people, Democrats and Republicans alike have tried to turn Ted Cruz into some sort of crazy, self-promoting monster, however...

When he is not being a human bullhorn for truth, justice, and the American Way, Teddy is a gentle, caring man, and a great listener.

You know you want him, and pay no never mind to his playful coyness, this charming Harvard grad knows that you want him too...

Congratulations and Godspeed to Sen. Ted Cruz.  This week's, IWS Person of the Week!!

Don't forget to catch Jay and Matt on the IWS Radio Show today from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio. They have a HUGE line-up for you on this week's Cussin' the Egg Rolls episode.  How so, you ask? Well...

Today is Confucius Day kids! How exciting is that?  Confucius' lesser known brother Profucius will be with us to share his very special kind of wisdom with our vast and diverse worldwide audience along with celebrating all that is great about China. We'll also be checking in to see if Ted Cruz is still talking, and have a special edition of The McLaughlin Group!

We'll explore the Sensual Side of Life with Drew Peacock and of course visit the Poet's Corner with Paul Piatt, AAAAAANNNNDDDD a first ever "Smugly Superior w/ Dana" report!

It's also International Coffee Day and National River something day so we'll have a few thoughts on that too.

Plus, we'll take YOUR CALLS!!!

You can join the fun and hilarity LIVE today from Noon-2 PM ET by clicking HERE!!

Matt Said Jay Said 8 28 38 49

Matt: Let’s make this quick.
Jay: Good plan! Those fish sticks seemed …. “off.”
Matt: I didn’t need that shared with me.
Jay: I want to share my life with you.
Matt: That’s sweet, but don’t.
Jay: Hey now! You’ve never hesitated to overshare with me.
Matt: That’s different.
Jay: Oh.
Matt: Good.
Jay: Wait!
Matt: Oh God, here we go.
Jay: How is it different?
Matt: It just is.
Jay: I don’t think that’s a good enough answer.
Matt: I’m known for my oversharing.
Jay: And?
Matt: You’re not.
Jay: So?
Matt: Let’s just both stay in our lane.
Jay: Ohhhhhhh … Okay.

Jay: Oh hey!
Matt: Yes?
Jay: We’re gonna introduce a new segment this week!
Matt: With a new LIVE correspondent.
Jay: Smugly Superior w/ Dana!
Matt: The role she was born to play.
Jay: Hell yeah. Not much of a stretch for her.
Matt: Well, you start with what you know.
Jay: True.
Matt: Is she gonna dis Breaking Bad?
Jay: I’m sure of it.
Matt: Good! I’m sick of hearing about that show.
Jay: You and me both.
Matt: It can’t possibly be THAT good.
Jay: I don’t see how. 

Matt: So what else for Sunday?
Jay: Another new segment. Tribute to the McLaughlin Group
Matt: Ha! I love that crazy old bastard.
Jay: He’s the greatest.
Matt: Oh! It’s “Confucius Day”
Jay: Really? We could work with that!
Matt: Especially when is lesser known brother PROfucius shows up.
Jay: I bet he’s ALMOST as brilliant as Confucius.
Matt: Yeah, ALMOST.
Jay: There’s lots of China stuff we can talk about.
Matt: Definitely.
Jay: What else?
Matt: Two words: Ted. Cruz.
Jay: HA! Is he still talking?
Matt: We’ll check in on Sunday.
Jay: I bet he’s reading off inspirational speeches from movie.
Matt: And maybe some other crazy-ass stuff.
Jay: That’s awesome.
Matt: And Paul Piatt
Jay: And EVEN MORE Drew Peacock
Matt: Schmoop loves him.
Jay: I know she does.
Matt: She just has a funny way of showing it.
Jay: And we’ll throw other stuff in as it comes up.
Matt: We can do it!
Jay: Oh the show title.
Matt: Hmm ….

Jay and Matt: CUSSIN’ THE EGG ROLLS!

Jay: Freaking brilliant.
Matt: Damn we’re good.

That’s “Cussin’ the Egg Rolls” this Sunday at 12 Noon ET on IWS Radio. Be there or something really terrible might happen. I mean, probably not, but why risk it? 

Friday Morning Musings

Cheeeeeeeeers Chuckleheads!!

What a glorious morning it is here in Bagwine, Ohio.  Today is going to be sunny with a high of 80.  Perhaps the nice weather will lessen the stupid and rude levels when I go to work later.

Lately I have been seriously thinking about quitting smoking.  I am tired of listening to my chest sound like a phlegm filled percolator.

I got a nice sleep last night.  I think I got around nine hours sleep.  That rarely happens.

I don’t even know if I had any dreams.  That’s good, because the last dream I had, involved being chased around by a knife wielding midget all the while I was being mocked by a naked Florence Henderson.  What the fuck!?

I am enjoying an ice cold Monster Absolute Zero as I type this.  Schmoop picked some up 4/$5.  What a bargain.  That’s some well-priced caffeination right there.  Boy Howdy!!

My finger hurts.

I jammed my left pinkie right before our IWS Radio show on the 15th of this month.  It still hurts, damn it.  I don’t think I broke it, but great googly moogly it’s a wicked pisser…or something.

I have to record a couple of funny bits for Sunday’s show this morning.  It’s a good thing that I got up at 7:30 this morning.  Oh the pressure of being an international internet radio star.  Lesser people would spin out of control if they were in my shoes.

Can you imagine Ted Cruz, Harry Reid, John Boehner, and Nancy Pelosi going out for pizza?  They’d be unable to decide on which toppings to get, and just say fuck it and go home hungry.

Write it down folks…October 12th is a Saturday and Ima going to be off ALL day!!  That’s right bitches.  A day full of nothing but food, beer, and college football.  I will feel like a piece of shit come Sunday morning, but by golly…it’s worth it.

Ha.  I just heard that O.J. Simpson was caught stealing cookies from the prison commissary.  O.J. Simpson:  Running Back, Murderer, Cookie Monster.  Sounds like a great movie for the Lifetime Network.

Okay…I’m outta here.  I need to get recording and on top of that, my pinkie is beginning to hurt again.

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you Sunday on the radio.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS
My Facebook Page

Food Network Chefs Ranked by Sense of Humor

Hola Foodies! In case you were wondering, I continue to be obsessed with Food Network and all their celebrity chefs. Many of them do so many things that drive me crazy, but I’ve complained about that enough. Today I’m going to do something different. I’m going to rank some of the Food Network Chefs from WORST to BEST sense of humor*. 

We’ll start with the obviously humorless…

- Rachael Ray: There are people out there who claim that Rachael is a delightful and funny person. I think they’re lying. She is completely and totally devoid of any sense of humor (or human decency) at all. 

- Melissa d’Arabian: In addition to being the biggest fraud on Food Network, this chick is a completely humorless prig.

- Geoffrey Zakarian: This guy wouldn’t know funny if it popped him on the nose after pointing to his tie.

- Giada de Laurentiis: She is entirely too shallow, too much of a snob and takes herself way too seriously to have any real sense of humor. She might smile real pretty and pretend, but on the inside she’s burning w/ anger over anything that might seem funny to others.

- Tyler Florence: Another one who takes himself a little too seriously to be able to just kick back and have a few laughs with the boys.

- Bobby Flay: Surprisingly, Bobby does have a bit of sense of humor. Most of comes from arrogance and his raging ego, but it shows up sometimes. He is more humble than he used to be though. I’ll admit that.

Guy Fieri: Despite his out of control douche-baggery does like to have a good time and laugh.

- Jeff Mauro: The Sandwich King seems like a pretty affable guy who, unlike Tyler Florence, probably can and does sit around and yuk it up.

- Alton Brown: He’s a pretty funny, nerdy guy who seems have something of a sense of humor.

- Sunny Anderson: Another nice and friendly person who is probably fairly funny and seems like she’d be cool to hang with.

- Ree Drummond: The Pioneer Woman is hard to figure out, but I think she’s probably pretty darn funny. She is also welcome to cook the main course at any big party or function I’m ever attending.

- Ina Garten: This may come as a surprise to you people, but Ina has an excellent sense of humor. It’s just as awkward as her limited social skills, but it’s there and it’s golden.

- The Neely’s: Pat and Gina Neely love to eat BBQ, drink beer, party and laugh. Awesome people!

- Sandra Lee: Anyone who drinks and parties as much as Sandra is going have a great sense of humor. Just don’t let her make the Kwanzaa Cake. Or the Hanukkah Cake. Or probably the Christmas Cake. Actually, just have her bartend.

- Anne Burrell: Maybe a little raunchy for some folks, but Anne loves to laugh and have a good time.

- Trisha Yearwood: All redneck women are funny as hell and Trisha is no exception.

- Duff Goldman: A genuinely funny guy and is probably the most real person of anyone at the Food Network.

*Obviously, if Paula Deen and/or Emeril Lagasse were still at Food Network they would be listed as the two funniest people with the best senses of humor BY FAR!

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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Easy Crockpot Chili Recipe

Cheeeeeeers everybody, and Happy Hump Day.

Y’know?  Now that football season is in full swing and Lady Autumn is here with her cooler temps, many folks will be throwing Saturday and/or Sunday football parties in their homes.

Along with the typical chips, dips, wings, and the like, a great football party can be made even more rollicking with some awesome, crowd pleasing chili.

I plan on making chili in a couple of weeks when I take a Saturday off to enjoy a full day of College Football.  It is an easy, and uber-tasty crock pot chili.

Here’s what Easy Five Bean Crockpot Chili ala Matt-Man entails…

Tomatoes, Tomato Paste, Dark Red Kidney Beans, Northern, Black Beans, Lima Beans, and Light Red Kidney Beans...If you’d like, which I do from time to time is replace the one of the kidney beans with butter beans.  But anyhoo…

Not too many spices...Chili Powder, Paprika, Oregano, Garlic, and a secret one which is not shown that replaces Cumin...Liquid Smoke.  Liquid Smoke makes everything better.  A few tablespoons of that into the mix, and bar the door Katy, it’s a TOUCHDOWN!!

These are da bomb!! Frozen and already diced onions and bell peppers. Fresh may be best, but too many of us end up wasting them.  So, this an inexpensive and practical way to go.

The MEAT!! Two pounds of ground beef, and one pound of sausage which I will slightly brown off with Worcestershire Sauce prior to crocking it. I also add real bacon pieces.

I would use REAL bacon, but I cannot bring myself to use sliced bacon for this. Sliced bacon stands on its own, and should be consumed that way!!

The cookery...or, is that, crockery? Anyhoo. This is my newest crockpot. Isn't she sexy and voluptuous?

I call her, Samantha. Samantha came with a 2, 4, and 6 quart bowl. I always use the 4 quart bowl.  The 2 is too small, and the 6 quart bowl, I only use when cooking up meth, so it may have toxic residue in it.

There you have it. After six to eight hours of simmering, Samantha will be ready to yield her juicy, meaty, and delicious wares.

A great accompaniment with the chili is Cheesy Onion Cornbread…

Just prepare a box of any inexpensive cornbread mix per instructions, but add some of the frozen onions and bell pepper, along with shredded cheese of your choice and voila!!  Rustic goodness in its most delicious form…

Your friends, fans, and fellow football watchers will give you the game ball with two thumbs up.

Five Bean Crockpot Chili and Cheesy Onion Cornbread…Easy and delicious, just like me.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattmaniws
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Partisan Troll are Ruining Twitter

Hola Libtards and Rethugs! Sunday night I was watching the Emmys when the category for best writing for a variety show came up. As each of the shows like “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report” and Jimmy Kimmel reeled off their looooooooooooooong list of writers I noticed something interesting. Basically the intros went like this “White Guy” “White Guy” White Guy” “White Guy” “White Woman” “White Guy” “White Guy” and finally “White Guy.” 

Sheeeeeeeeeeeit …. IWS Radio has more diversity in ONE correspondent than Colbert has on his whole freaking staff. (There was a woman up there somewhere with them but she isn’t in this pic. The second time they went up, there was a second woman, but I suspect they just grabbed her out the audience so they would look more diverse. They would have grabbed a black and/or Latino too IF THEY COULD HAVE FOUND ONE IN THAT AUDIENCE.)

I was struck by the lack of diversity on these writing staffs especially given the liberal bent of these shows and how much they love to lecture others about diversity. So, I Tweeted “Funny how the ‘lecture everyone else about diversity’ shows can’t find any black, Latino and only one woman writer.” Or something close to that.

Well, turns out that some far left-wing extremist partisan was trolling twitter and decided to respond to me: “I wasn’t aware that these businesses that produce those shows were liberal to any degree. You’re evidence?”

Oooooooooo … She nailed me! Wow! I was knocked on my heels for minute there. We all know that no “business” is ever anything but evil and conservative. I guess she was trying to imply that the corporations that own the networks that these shows are on are conservative so the shows are also? Or maybe she was ignoring the leftward lean of the shows and talking about the parent companies only? Or maybe she considers anything to the right of Chris Hays to be “conservative?” We’ll never know because she never elaborated.

So, I hit back with “The Daily Show and Colbert Report are raging right-wing shows? I had no idea.”  ZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!

It was at this point that she realized she was completely wrong so she did what everyone in that situation does. She got personal and ignored my original point by telling me “You do appear to be out of ideas!”  HAAAAAAA!! Wooo this chick is almost more than I can handle!

Okay, so it was apparent to me that this was going to go nowhere and I had found yet another person who isn’t interesting in any real discussion if it challenges her “My side is pure and perfect and always right” world view. I decided to try, just once to see if she would address the lack of diversity issue I had tweeted about. After another exchange where she once again resorted to name calling I asked her “Are you bothered by the lack of  black, Latino and women writers on these HUGE staffs or are you so partisan that you can never criticize your … uh … OUR (I am for the most part Team Blue) side?”

Her sad little response was “Oh, you make it too easy.” This is what people say when they agree with you but can’t admit it. They pretend to be sooooo intellectually superior that they can’t even be bothered to answer.

See there’s Colbert’s token female writer! I told you she was there somewhere.

The obvious truth is that YES she is bothered by the lack of diversity on these writing staffs. She can’t admit it though because if she does she would be acknowledging that her side isn’t as pure and perfect as she pretends it is. She’s not alone either. Democrats suddenly are totally in favor of all kinds of stuff they used to be opposed to. From support of the surveillance state to ignoring lack of diversity to support for launching an unnecessary, unprovoked war of choice with Syria, extreme partisans like this Twitter Troll have decided to copy the republicans by refusing to ever admit that maybe, just possibly, someone on their side might be even the slightest bit wrong about anything EVER!

This is why we can’t have nice things America.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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The Beatles...Help!!

Cheeeeeeeeers Chuckleheads!!

Today’s post?  Well, it’s not really funny.  I mean, most of the IWS posts do present a modicum of humor, but this one?

Not so much.

This post is, as we say in the blog and radio business, a “housekeeping” post, and well, a note to the BTR shows out there that think they can usurp our Number One standing…that it ain’t gonna happen too often.

Read me now and acknowledge it later, Jay and I have dedicated ourselves to becoming even more creative than we already are.

I know what you’re thinking, but no, it’s true!!  We can actually be funnier and more creative than we already are.

However, there is one thing that we need from you in order to carry out our successful trek down the path of creative nirvana.

YOU!!

That’s right…

Jayman and I have brought you Drew Peacock, Slyder Balzcock, Martin, Stubby Stonehenge, Bobby Craft, Guy Ahnyurdyck, and other great, well-informed IWS characters, but we want more.  And doggone it, YOU deserve more.

Jay and I are well on our way to transforming IWS Radio from a devil-may-care internet hangout, into a bastion of must listen to radio, with a roundtable discussion much like the McLaughlin Group and an entertaining and electrifying Halloween dramedy, much akin to Orson Welles’, War of the Worlds.

Can we do it?  Yes we can!!  Can we do it?  We’re the Man!!  Er…men…whatever, and however…

We need your help.  Y’know?  Next month NPR stations will be kicking off their Fall Pledge Drives, and well, so are we here today.  However…

We aren’t asking for money, although that would be nice; we are asking for talent.

It takes a lot of time to talk back and forth with our many IWS correspondents, so perhaps, you would like to become one yourself.

We love what we do, but let me tell ya…

Jay and I aren’t no young dudes, and even with the uber-lovely Schmoop and hot as hell Jamie helpin’ out, it ain’t no Ferris Wheel ride.

So c’mon…Write a post for us.  Tell us something funny.  Record a new character who we could bring into our show.

It’s free and easy, just like your hosts. (Take that Doc Thompson)

If you have an idea for a show, a new character, would like to record something, or tell us to fuck off, let us know.

We would love to hear from you, well…not so much the fucking off part, if that’s your shtick.

So that’s it for now, but let me tell you…

Our newish correspondents, Drew Peacock and Malcolm Eckstein lit the world on fire yesterday on IWS Radio.  Thousands laughed, and thousands were offended.  A perfect mix.

And folks, to listen to all of that frivolity that you missed, you can click on the player below.  Paul Piatt, Drew Peacock, Dusty Sandman, and Malcolm Eckstein rocked the house.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattmaniws
My Facebook Page

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Person of the Week!

The IWS Person of the Week is actor, singer, songwriter, writer, director, dancer and all-around awesome dude Joseph Gordon Levitt!

It’s not enough for this dude to be incredibly talented and super damn good looking either! Oh no! He has to be BFF’s with Zooey Deschanel too …

But wait that’s not all! He also wrote, directed and is starring in his latest movie “Don Jon.” It’s a movie about a guy, played by JGL, who is a sex addict. And, since he’s Joseph Gordon-Levitt and can do wants he cast Scarlett Johansson as his girlfriend in the movie. OF COURSE HE DID!

I have nothing but admiration and respect for JGL and his amazing talents, but writing this has made me decide to hate him.

Congrats on being named IWS’ Person of the Week though dude!

Also, don’t forget to listen to the “Overrated andUnderrated Show” on IWS Radio at 12 Noon on Sunday! 

Matt Said, Jay Said 888-727-BECK

Matt:  Helloooooooo?
Jay:  Hi.  How are you?
Matt:  I’m fine, and you?
Jay:  Okay, I guess.
Matt:  Something wrong Pumpkin?

Jay:  Eh…It’s just that talking on the phone is way overrated.

Matt:  But we do it every Sunday during our IWS Radio Show.

Jay:  Oh I know, but that’s different.

Matt:  How so?  Because we have a live audience, but during show prep calls you’re stuck talking only to me?

Jay:  Noooo, not at all.  I just think actual talking is overrated.
Matt:  I think maybe you just don’t like talking to me on a one-on-one basis.
Jay:  Not at all.  And now that you are basically calling me a liar, I think you underrate me as a person.
Matt:  Noooo, not at all.  I adore you.

Jay and Matt:  (awkward silence)

Matt:  You know who Schmoop thinks is wayyyyyyyy overrated?
Jay:  Who?
Matt:  Scarlett Johansson.
Jay:  What?  Schmoop is out of her mind!!

Matt:  I know right?  Schmoop says Scarlett is ugly.  Schmoop is crazy!!
Jay:  Hell yeah she’s crazy; I mean, just a bit.  I wouldn’t want to overrate Schmoop’s craziness.

Matt:  Y’know what Jayman?  I think we have an idea for this week’s show.
Jay:  I believe you are right.  We could talk about people…
Matt:  Places…
Jay:  And things that are either overrated
Matt:  Or underrated.

Jay:  Damn dude…Our brilliance is wayyyyy underrated.

Matt:  You and I are far more underrated than The Beatles were overrated.

Jay:  Oh my God…Buddy Acapella singing lyrics by Paul Piatt would be better than The Beatles.
Matt:  True dat, my underrated friend.

Jay:  Rev. Moneymaker may have some words for the IWS Radio congregation this weekend.
Matt:  So will Paul Piatt.

Jay:  And we may have a few surprises as well.

Matt:  And your phone calls at 661.244.9852, as we do the Overrated and Underrated Show this Sunday.

Jay:  It’s this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET and we will also talk about how The Blaze Radio host, Doc Thompson is stealing my nearly copyrighted tag lines.

Matt:  It’s an outrage!!

Jay and Matt:  So…Join us this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio, as IWS Radio discusses all that is overrated or underrated.

To catch us LIVE on Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET you can click right HERE. 

Pizza Delivery Stories

Hola pizza lovers! Matt always has great stories about the morons who come though the Beer Mine all the time. That always gets me to thinking about some of the strange people that I delivered pizzas to back in the day when I was in college and working at a pizza joint.  So, I thought I would list some of them here…

- I delivered a large supreme pizza to some dudes in a trailer who had a HUGE pile of marijuana on the coffee table.  Also sitting there was a Glock .40.  The guy sitting on the couch looked at me and said “I guess you know that you haven’t seen anything here today, right?” And he gave me that knowing “we’ll come cut your balls off and stuff them down your through and then shoot you in the head” nod.  I was like “absolutely!” 

They gave me a $5 tip.   I’m pretty sure dudes with a table full of cocaine would have tipped better. 

- I once delivered a small cheese pizza to one of the richest people in Arkansas.  His house was actually outside of our delivery area, but you want to stay friends with people like this.  So, I got up to his ridiculously large house and before I could get out of the car I was face to face with a Great Dane. 

After about a minute Mr. Rich Guy came running out of the house and got the dog and said the dog wasn’t dangerous at all.  Anyway, I got out of the car and gave him his pizza.  Turned out he had a coupon for the pizza for only $4.99 (tax included).  He paid with a twenty.  So, I gave him a ten, five ones and HIS PENNY as change.  He took the money and his pizza and turned around walked into the house without so much as saying thank you or giving me a tip.

- I once delivered to a Days Inn and a man who was probably in his 60s answered the door naked. Lying on the bed was a naked woman about his age. They invited me to come back after I got off work.  I declined.

- I also delivered to a guy who looked to be in his 50s or maybe 60 at another hotel.  Lying on the bed in his room was a girl who looked to be a teenager wearing a half shirt and panties.  I’m pretty sure it wasn’t his daughter either.  They did NOT invite me back.

- I was offered drugs and/or alcohol in lieu actual money all the time.  The problem with that was that I would have to pay for the pizza myself if I accepted.  Well, until I became one of the managers.  Then, someone would come in and offer me a couple of beers for a pizza and I would say “sure!”

- I never once had a lonely MILF offer sex for pizza.  Or just sex.  Those porno movies are terrible the way they make everyone believe that happens all the time.  But, there was a girl who lived in the apt. complex behind the store who offered sex for pizza once.  She was all kinds of messed up and my conscious got the better of me and I just gave her a pizza and declined her special offer. 

- I did have guys offer blow jobs a few times.  Oddly enough they never offered a blow job for the pizza.  The always paid and then made the offer.  I declined, but it sometimes it’s nice just to be asked.

- The worst part of working there was the callers.  Every single day people would ask if we had wings, breadsticks, sandwiches or even pasta dishes.  We didn’t have any of those things.  We were a bare bones ghetto pizza operation.  We didn’t even deliver soft drinks. 

So, people would ask if we would pick up any of those things from another place on our way to delivering our pizza. 

“Will you get us some wings from somewhere else and deliver those too?” 

“Will you drive through McDonalds for my kids on the way here?”

“Will you drive through the liquor store for me?”

“Will you stop and get me cigarettes and/or a Coke on the way?”

Sometimes we would agree to do it, but those people almost never tipped. Man, people suck.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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@Jayman_IWS 

Marry Me Vladimir Putin, Marry Me!!

Hello.  Schmoop here for IWS Radio.

Some of you know me as the somewhat shy, hate to talk on the radio foil for some of Matt-Man and Jayman’s childish IWS Radio jokes, however…

I am a real person...a real person with real feelings, and a woman…

A 47 year old woman, whose blood runs hot with a lust deeper than the Volga River, and higher than the highest apexes of the Caucasus Mountains.

I have never told anybody this, but when I found out in June of this year that Vladimir Putin was getting a divorce from his hag-bag of a wife Lyudmila Putina, I said to myself…

“Schmoop?  You need to rid yourself of this asshole Mahoney, this American malaise, and find a guy who wears the intrigue of the KGB upon his sleeve.  Who loves to go topless while riding horses, and who is sexy enough to say to the world…

“So the hell what?  Those dead bodies are Chechnyans. Who the hell cares?  Let’s take my Harley on a road trip, Baby!!  Who’s with me? You? YOU?”

Damn right…I like badasses, and Vlad?  You are a badass.  Meeeeeeeeeow.

You have it all.  You run an entire country with a steel hand.  You are a take-no-crap kinda guy, and yet, you have a softer side to you that perhaps only a woman like me can detect. And…

I bet you are crazy lovable hell in bed. I bet making love to you is like spending a night with Rasputin.  All freaky, wacko, and never say die shit. All I get here is, “Please!!  Don’t Touch Me!!”  And dig it, that’s me talking!!  Ha!!

Seriously Baby…Oh excuse me, President Baby…I want to become your American Mail Order Bride. Sad American men have been importing Russian brides for years; I think it is time to turn the tables upside down on the mail order bride business.

And when you and I do, we can laugh, drink vodka, and you can lick the scar on my stomach that looks exactly like the Volga River.  When you lick that baby…you won’t be saying “Oh Mommy!!”; you’ll be saying, “Oh Mother Russia!!”

And listen sweetie…I do have my own set of skills just like your ninja type KGB skills…

I’m verrrrrrrry flexible…

And I can look mean and stand-offish just like you…

We my dear are a perfect match.  Hell my sexy friend, we are, in addition to other commonalities, both 5’7. So please, pleeeeeeeease…send for me.  While I am an American through and through, I am a Cossack by inspiration.

And perhaps if you have me sent FedEx to Moscow and then marry me, our nations will have a common bond and we can all get along better.

I now this a hard move for you because you said the other day that American Exceptionalism doesn’t exist, but let me tell you…

Once you meet me, and marry me?  You will find that American Exceptionalism not only exists within my thighs, but more so...between my thighs.

Please Call Me, Mr. President of U-Sexy-Stan, callllllll me…

Schmoop

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
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My Life as a Winner

Hola winners and losers! Monday afternoon I was just hanging out, minding my own business when I heard a knock on the door. It was the FedEx delivery guy with a package from Random House. I was perplexed because I hadn’t order a book, but when I opened the package I realized what had happened.

A few weeks ago I had signed up through Facebook for a chance to win an advance copy of Bill Bryson’s “One Summer: America, 1927.”  I’m a HUGE Bill Bryson fan so I made sure to point out on the entry form that I not only wrote for a blog, but I co-host the #1 comedy show on BTR. My clever plan worked and I won!!!

After I got the book it suddenly hit me that I have a long history of winning when it comes to drawings…

In third grade I won a goldfish at the Halloween carnival at school. I don’t remember if I named him/her but when I got home I put him/her in a big glass bowl filled with water. In the morning the fish was dead. Poor thing was probably old and died of natural causes in his/her sleep. Over the years I’ve considered getting another goldfish but decided against it because the pain of losing old whatshis/hername was just too much. That and goldfish don’t cuddle with ya.

My sophomore year of high school I won a prize at a football game. They would draw numbers and if any of those numbers matched the one on the program you had you won. Well, my number was called and I won a big wool blanket. Unfortunately it was sooooooo damn itchy that I ended up never using it and finally throwing it out.

During my senior year Dr. Pepper was running a promotion where some lucky people who bought a 12 oz can from a vending machine got a t-shirt and .50 to get another Dr. Pepper. So, one day I gave it a whirl and TA-DA! I won the t-shirt. Sadly, it was a size small so I gave it to Cheri Curtis who was a sexy little thang. I didn’t get anything more than a “thanks” from her though so I was hardly worth it.

When I was in college I actually won a truck from Don Nelms Chevrolet! Well, it was a 20 year old truck that was really beat up and wouldn’t start. They finally got it started for me and it turned out it was one of those old “three on a tree” standard shift trucks. I almost got killed trying to drive home. I sold it for $300 but it cost me $200 to get it registered and shit. Wasn’t worth it.

After the truck though my luck improved… 

At an old job once I won a drawing among all the people who had perfect attendance for a 90 day period. I won a $10 gift card to Taco Bell. Oh yeah! Tacos were only .40 cents in those days so that worked out great!

The “Friends of the Library” held a drawing a few years ago and I won a really sweet roadside emergency kit. It has tools, gloves, a flashlight, battery charger, jumper cables and those little orange triangle things to place on the road to warn motorists of a car on the shoulder. I’m convinced my having this thing in the truck is the reason I haven’t been stranded on the side of the road lately.

On top of all that, now I win the latest book by one of my favorite authors. Dam, things really are looking up for me. I think I’ll start buying lottery tickets.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

In other news we were all treated to our first ever Canada Report last Sunday on IWS Radio. Jamie from the Hammer is our Canadian Correspondent and she was AWESOME so you should totally check it out...

Hey President Hassan Rouhani, the Matt-Man Wants a Persianpalooza With You!!

Cheeeeeeeeeers Chuckleheads!!

As I am all about peace, and trying to end war and hostility around the world, I am writing today with an offer of a hearty handshake of friendship on one hand, and an olive branch in the other, both of which are directed at the recently elected President of Iran, Hassan Rouhani.

So in order to help our two nations and indeed the world get along better, here is an open letter to President Hassan Rouhani…

Dear President Rouhani,

My name is Matt Mahoney and I live in Springfield, Ohio, U.S.A.

A few years ago when Mahmoud Ahmadinejad came to the U.S. to speak at Columbia University, I sent him a letter asking if I could go back to Iran with him in order to help build a more pleasant relationship between our two countries.

You know…

Just me, a typical American coming to Iran in order to speak with and “kick it” with typical Iranians for a few days to show that we Americans are not all that different from you Iranians.

Alas…

My letter to Dour-Looking, Sawed Off, Members Only Jacket Wearing President Ahmadinejad fell upon deaf ears and was totally ignored.  I was, as we say here in the States, a bit miffed.  I would ask you why he always seems so angry, but I gather it’s because he is only 5’2” tall, and well…I’d be angry too.

So, anyhoo…

I think you and I would get along well together.  Sure, you are 64 years old, and I’m 48, but listen my new buddy, I have brothers and sisters your age, and older.  I am more than adept at relating to, and with, your wacky sexagenarian sub-culture.

And plus, look at you and me…

I have a buzzed head and wear an earring, and you have an ironic beard, and wear an understated, yet complicated turban.  From those observations as well as the number of microphones in front of your face, I surmise that we both enjoy walking our subtle, yet devil-may-care egos down the fashion runway of life.

Amirite!? Damn right, I am!!

You and I could go from village to village, town to town, college campus to college campus, and just engage with each other and the citizens of Iran, and bring our people closer together in the understanding that we all want to enjoy a world that is peaceful and prosperous.

In our private meetings you and I could make fun of our nations’ allies.  I mean yes, we, the U.S., are aligned with the bland Brits and the milquetoast French, but your two biggest allies are led by a human freak show who rides shirtless on a horse, and a coward of man who gasses his own people!!

Don’t tell me that there isn't any common ground there, my friend.  Hell, I’m sure, if we put our heads together that we could come up with a joke that goes like this…

A Brit, a Frenchman, a Russian, and a Syrian walk into a bar, and the bartender says…

“Jesus Christ, how I long for a Canadian customer, at least they leave with a smile, and leave me with a tip.”

So…There you have it President Rouhani.  I am more than willing to leave my comfortable digs here in Ohio and help you to shoulder the wheel-barrow of peace and understanding that this garden of life so desperately needs.

If you are interested, let me know. You can always simply tweet me, because I follow you, and with all due respect, please allow me to say…

I dig your tweets.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Sleepy Time is a Scary Time

Hola y’all! Man, I have all kinds of issues in the bedroom. I’m talking about sleeping issues you pervs! Sheesh! Anyway, every night it’s a struggle to get to sleep and often times to stay asleep. I go through periods where it takes FOREVER to get to sleep, but then I sleep just fine. Then, I go through stretches where I got straight to sleep but wake up two hours later and can’t get back to sleep.

Lately though I’ve combined those two problems. It takes me a long time to finally get to sleep and then I wake up after a couple of hours and spend the rest of the night in that weird space in between sleep and awake. It’s like I’m dreaming that I’m lying there in bed trying to sleep listening to my radio, but I’m not dreaming, it’s real. Does that make any sense?

I’m thinking maybe I need to change up my routine. Each night at 10 pm I complain that Olbermann isn’t on ESP2 because some stupid sporting event went long. Then I turn it over to Conan and don’t laugh at whatever he’s doing. At 10:30 I turn on Arsenio Hall and spend thirty minutes wondering why his new show is so bland and boring. At 11 I check to see who is on Leno, Letterman and Kimmel while also seeing that the daily post on this blog has gone “Live” and then tweet the link to the masses.

If nobody cool is on Leno, Letterman or Kimmel (most nights) then I either watch C.O.P.S. for a bit while monitoring Twitter or just go on to bed. Once I’m in bed the war starts. My mind starts going a million miles an hour and I can’t seem to settle it down. I start out flat on my back, then when my back stops hurting, I roll over onto my right side until my back starts to hurt again. Then I roll over onto my left side until either my back hurts again or I feel like I’m about to fall asleep.

It’s very important for me make sure I’m NOT lying on my left side when I finally fall asleep. If I’m on my left side I will have crazy-ass dreams. Like the other night when I dreamed I was living in a trailer and was trying to go to sleep in a bed right up against a window in a small room. Just as I was about to fall asleep I saw these freaky hands pushing the window open. When I sat up and looked out the window I saw these people who looked like a cross between the Children of the Corn and Boo Radley.  *Shudder*

At least they were human-ish this time. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve dreamed about talking animals. I’m not talking about cool talking animals like Mr. Ed either y’all. I’m talking about snakes and other freaky animals that are saying some mean shit to me. They threaten me or tell me how much I suck and stuff like that. Never cool animals like dogs or giraffes either. It’s always a really crappy animal that talks shit to me. Weird, huh?

Of course none of this would be a problem if these dreams were sexy, but they almost never are. What’s up with that? Sure, I occasionally have a hot dream starring Helen Mirren or Susan Sarandon, but very rarely. Maybe the problem is that I’m sober? Shit, I didn’t even think about that. Hmm … I think I may have solved my problem.

Never mind y’all.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS

In other news "Food, Sex and Farm Animals" was an EPIC episode of IWS Radio! We took on the threat to our freedom that is the recommended serving sizes of most foods. Then we tried to call Campbell Soup and the FDA to get to the bottom of this with HILARIOUS results! Also, Brown Beasley called in and we got an AWESOME Canada Report from the lovely Jamie. You gotta check this one out!! 

New Comedy Internet Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

IWS Person of the Week...Fox and Friends Elisabeth Hasselbeck

If it's Sunday, it's the IWS Person of the Week and this week?  We have bittersweet news for all of you Fox and Friends followers.

It seems that Gretchen Carlson died Friday and come Monday morning, one uber-licious right-winger Elisabeth Hasselbeck, will be replacing Gretch's ignorant fat ass on the F&F more than curvy couch alongside Steve "Einstein" Doocy, and Brian "My Smile Is Ten Times Larger Than My IQ" Kilmeade...

We here at IWS Radio regret the passing of Gretchen Carlson, but eh...her lineage and tradition of hardcore, get to the facts journalism will live on in former reality TV star, Elisabeth Hasselbeck...

Elisabeth has cut her journalistic teeth on The View, and is now ready to enter the no-cleavage barred world of FOX News...

Roger Ailes loves lonnnnnng legs at FOX News, and Lis-Has has plenty to spare...

When Elisabeth Hasselbeck found out she would be sitting in between Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade every morning, her reaction was, "Really!?"...

And yet our golden-haired, deep-cleavaged, blonde, right wing adorable Kewpie Doll, Person of the Week, said...

"My loser half-assed Ouarterback husband, Tim Hasselbeck is a sports pundit, and somebody has to make a splash, and pay the bills so here I am dong morning television and asking for Obama's birth certificate!!?"

So here's to Elisabeth Hasselbeck.  If she tries really hard, or not even not all that hard...she could come off as looking smarter than the late, great Gretchen Carlson.

Annnnnnnnnd...To catch some really smart and funny radio tomorrow, join Jay and Matt on Blog Talk Radio LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET today as the celebrate Food, Sex, and Farm Animals on IWS Radio.  It is sure to be another Number One show as long as you help out.

You can catch all of IWS Radio's festivities  LIVE today by clicking HERE.

Matt Said, Jay Said 10100111001

Matt: Cheeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrssssssssss!!!!
Jay: Holaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
Matt: We’re so damn cool.
Jay: The nerds out there envy us so much.
Matt: Totally.
Jay: I haven’t always been this cool though, you know.
Matt: You don’t say?
Jay: I’m serious! I used to be a bit of nerd myself.
Matt: YOU? No way!
Jay: IKR?!
Matt: I’ve always been cool.
Jay: It shows.
Matt: That’s where all my self-confidence comes from.
Jay: The easy life of the cool people.
Matt: I wish you could experience it too.
Jay: Yeah, me too.
Matt: But the nerdy, uncool life has its own rewards right?
Jay: Not really, no.
Matt: Well, that’s too bad.
Jay: Thank you for your understanding.

Matt: So, what was for supper tonight?
Jay: Spaghetti!
Matt: Ooooooooo that’s good!
Jay: Oh yeah, whatchu having?
Matt: Frozen pizza.
Jay: Nice, Putting anything extra on it?
Matt: I might just have it as is out of the box.
Jay: Rare move on your part.
Matt: I like to mix things up a bit.
Jay: Keeps you from getting into a rut.
Matt: What did you have last night?
Jay: Fish sticks and a baked potato.
Matt: Great combo.
Jay: What did you have?
Matt: Sausage patties and scrambled eggs.
Jay: Oh yeahhhhhhhhh! Delicious!

Matt: You know what’s sad though?
Jay: What?
Matt: The box says serving size ONE PATTY!
Jay: Get out!
Matt: I’m serious!
Jay: Who do they think they’re bullshitting?
Matt: Nobody! They’re just being Provisionally Correct.
Jay: What losers!
Matt: More like Fascists!
Jay: Portion Size Terrorists!
Matt: Damn right!
Jay: This “Serving Size Recommendation” shit is outrageous.
Matt: It’s a threat to our very freedom as Americans.
Jay: We need to stand up to these people.
Matt: I think I’m thinking what you’re thinking!
Jay: We will discuss this outrage on the show Sunday.
Matt: Yes we will!
Jay: What else can we talk about?
Matt: Yom Kippur?
Jay: Call us up and atone people!
Matt: Hispanic Heritage Month?
Jay: I love Latinas.
Matt: Oh yeah!
Jay: OH! And the first ever CANADA REPORT W/ JAMIE!
Matt: That’s gonna be sooooooo hawt!
Jay: Hell yes!
Matt: And it’s National Farm Animal Awareness Week.
Jay: Hmm … Okay then: Food, Sex and Farm Animals!
Matt: Love it! Where did you get the sex part?
Jay: Food leads to sex.
Matt: Or is a substitute for it.
Jay: HA! Don’t I know it!
Matt: Poor nerd.

So be sure to tune into IWS Radio as we celebrate Food Sexand Farm Animals Sunday at 12 Noon ET!!

Yom Kippur: An Ex-Catholic's Road to Damascus

Cheers and L’chaim my fellow inglorious bastards…

Matthew Patrick Mahoney here for IWS Radio.

Why do I utilize my entire and actual name during this address to you?

Because today at sunset begins Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement, and I want to participate.

“That’s great.”, you say…but why do you long to be Jewish now, you ask?

Because my name Matthew is Hebrew (Gift of God), and Patrick in Latin, means “nobleman.”

So just shut the hell up and listen to me...THE Gift of God Nobleman, and truthfully?

You don’t even know, bitches.

Anyhoo…

As I am assuming the role of a Jew gone wrong, I’d like to atone for some of my sins this year…so far.

I’d like to say first and foremost, that I should simply be professional at the Beer Mine, and attend to our customers without flirting.

A nubile, 30 something customer with gorgeous Strawberry blonde hair and plump, yet awesome thighs, comes through on a daily basis.

Today, she asked me, “Don’t you love this cooler weather?"

To which I said, “No, I like it hot; and when it’s hot it only takes me two minutes to dress.”

She responded, “Well, I do understand that.”

And I said, “When it’s winter; it takes me twenty-five minutes to dress, of course, if I had a helper, it would only take twelve point five minutes.”

She giggled, looked down at the lack of a bulge in my pants, and drove off.

Why do I have to drive a completely innocent and good-natured customer/sales guy relationship into the perverse ground of sex?

Because I can…I do…and I shall stop.

Well, except for Kristina...Kristina who comes through late nights and told me that she likes to watch my biceps flex when I pick up her case of Bud Light bottles.

I mean. c’mon…she likes to watch my less than average biceps flex, so to deny her that less than special moment, would be a less than special sin, and plus…

I call her Special K, she calls me Special M, and well, it gives her a giggle, and seriously, that’s what I’m all about, but I guess even then, I may be truly ripping apart her femininity when I do that, so I shall stop.

I know what I won’t do FOR SURE next year…

I won’t post a picture of a Happy 9-11 Anniversary Cake on my Facebook page, because people hate satirical pictures and or writings anti-American electorate images and posts on their Facebook news feed.

And well that's because they are stupid…er…I mean…they have different sensibilities than I do, and I have to accept that…and I will.

You know what’s funny?

I have spontaneously apologized for flirting with my customers at work and posting “controversial” stuff on the internet.

But you know what’s sad?

At least for this year, I think in all truthfulness, those offenses are pretty damn lame.

And because of those two things being the nadir of my current offensiveness...I apologize to you all, and seek atonement from myself...for evidently growing old.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
Mattman_IWS
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