Aries March 21-April 19
Sure it’s nice to know that grabbing the winning side of the wishbone is yours to make a wish, but it is less nice to know that you spent your wish wishing it hadn’t come out of your own rib cage.
Taurus April 20-May 20
You will discover that saying to your Thanksgiving Day sex partner, “Oh it’s just too many cranberries.”, is in no way a good cover for the fact that you have hemorrhoids.
Gemini May 21-June 20
Your wife tells you that she wants this Christmas to be perfect. That’s why you string the lights in an awesomely straight line, and then move to Tahiti and have sex with a chick who can suck an entire breadfruit through her mouth without gasping for air, and more importantly, not putting on weight in spite of the carbs. Perfect!!
Cancer June 21-July 22
It’s nice that you volunteered for the Salvation Army, but telling people, “I don’t need donations God Dammit, I just like to ring bells.”, is not helpful to the cause.
Leo July 23-August 22
Hanukkah is great, but that doesn't mean that you, celebrating your Judaism, have to spin your girlfriend atop your dreidel for eight straight days against her will, while yelling at her, “Antiochus Must Die!!”
Virgo August 23-September 22
You will become famous overnight, when it is discovered that you are the one person in the world, who truly enjoys the fruitcake that you received.
Libra September 23-October 22
You’ve always believed in the theorem, “The love you give, is the love you receive.”, and that is why on Christmas Eve, an evil man holding a ten pound sledge hammer will be decking your cranial halls.
Scorpio October 23-November 21
Sure, he fucked your wife, but after you took pictures, extorted him, and received a new gas grill and a Jaguar for your efforts, you believe in Santa Claus even more.
Sagittarius November 22-December 21
The late President Millard Fillmore will resurrect himself, buy a gun, greet you with a “Merry Christmas”, and then shoot you. He will then say to the Washington Post, “At least people will remember me now.”
Capricorn December 22-January 19
A bearded man and his wife from Galilee will come to your hotel, and unfortunately you will have to tell them that you are full. You will come to regret this when a little boy continuously plays drums outside your establishment.
Aquarius January 20-February 18
On TV, Yukon Cornelius said that Bumbles bounce, but unfortunately for you, they bite as well.
Pisces February 19-March 20
A New Year brings hope and inspiration, which is why the hope you had after your parole will bring you the inspiration to knock over a liquor store three days later.
Ad Astra per Aspera
Lana
6 comments:
It's looking like a pretty rough holiday season coming up for a few people.
Jay
Jay: Tough times indeed, but as Lana says, "To the stars through difficulties." Cheers Jayman!!
Matt-Man
I'm not going to tell you sign I am, but the horoscope you wrote for me was dead right. I feel humble and slightly afraid.
Gorilla: Lana is always right on the mark. Cheers Gorilla!!
Matt-Man
I wish I was a Capricorn.
Jo: Ha...You like drums, do ya? Cheers Jo!!
Matt-Man
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