Matt Said, Jay Said VII

You know what day it is. You’ve been waiting for it all week! Here we go…

Matt: “You’ve reached the Matt-Man residence, how may I direct your call.”
Jay: “I wanna talk to the person in charge!”
Matt: “Sorry, nobody is in charge here.”
Jay: “But, if nobody is in charge, who gets all the glory?”
Matt: “Glory is about personal accomplishments. We’re about ‘team’ here.”
Jay: “There is no “I” in “Team.”
Matt: “Exactly. So how are ya?”
Jay: “A little gassy.”
Matt: “I’ll open a window.”

Jay: “So, uh, our Big Gay Show is totally racking up the listens and is moving towards the top five in the ratings.”
Matt: “It should, it was FABULOUS.”
Jay: “It was a pretty good show. We might have found our niche.”
Matt: “If that show doesn’t turn people gay, nothing will.”
Jay: “Yeah, and it’s a type of gay that even Marcus Backmann can’t cure.”
Matt: “Of course not. Hell, he couldn’t even cure his own.  Hey-OOOO”
Jay: “Anyway, apparently going gay means big hits.”
Matt: “Well, cover me in glitter and raise the rainbow flag then.”

Matt: “Hold on. I need to acknowledge someone telling me how cute Schmoop and I are.”
Jay: “Personally, I’m finding your love tweets to be disgusting.”
Matt: “You know, a little support isn’t too much to ask here my friend.”
Jay: “Oh damn. I forgot how sensitive and vulnerable engaged men get.”
Matt: “Damn right. So try being a little more sensitive you sick fuck.”
Jay: “I’ll try. No promises though.

Jay: “So I’ve now joined Reddit and Digg too.”
Matt: “So have I”
Jay: “We can now Stumble, Reddit and Digg our posts and shows.”
Matt: “We even got a couple of hits from Digg already.”
Jay: “Sweeeeeet. I don’t know how much Reddit and Digg will help though.”
Matt: “It doesn’t matter. Every little bit helps.”
Jay: “And every listener and readers matters.”
Matt: “That they do!”
Jay: “We love them all.”
Matt: “Damn right.”

Jay: “So, wanna talk “Haters” this week?”
Matt: “Yeah. People who just can’t stand it when others are happy.”
Jay: “And people are just always bitching about something.”
Matt: “Exactly. Negative people.”
Jay: “Right. People who can’t say something nice about anything.”
Matt: “I hate those people.”
Jay: “Thank God we’re not like that.”
Matt: “We wouldn’t be internet famous if we were.”
Jay: “Good point. Our success is based on being positive and thoughtful all the time.”
Matt: “That’s why the chicks dig us.”
Jay: “Totally.”

So there you go. More genius at work. I know how inspiring it is to read each week. Also, don’t forget to listen to this week’s show, “Haters Gonna Hate” on I’m With Stupid. It’s going to be a great show!

Haters...Ya Gotta Love 'Em

Hey, what’s up?  Ben Haten here, to liven up your Friday on this pathetic excuse for a blog or website, or whatever the hell you want to call this internet rag sheet.

Look at those two clowns Matt-Man and Jayman…Ha!!

One looks like a gay ass, ghetto wine drinkin’, Hunter Thompson wannabe, and the other is trying to look all deep, thoughtful, and introspective with his cheap ass whiskey all dressed up in a sawed off brandy snifter.

And the chick in the middle?  In two years, she’ll be getting rug burns on those sloppy ass tits just from walkin’ around the house.  Gimme a break…I bet she’s got a nasty ass butter face too.

I wouldn’t be caught dead with a chick like that.  She reminds me of my loser ex-girlfriend, Jenna, who just dropped my ass for some loser guy.

Yeah, Jenna dropped me for some dude who is the Assistant CEO for this big company in town.  What’s wrong loser dude, not good enough to be THE CEO?  Ha.  They both can suck it.

Jenna’s all in love with the corporate hack, Bradley…yeah that’s his name, Bradley.  Ha, how gay is that?  Anyway, Brad-Boy bought her a brand new Chrysler 300 as an engagement present.  She was all excited.  Fuck that…The piece of shit car doesn’t even have heated seats.  What a tight ass.

She’s nothin’ but a sponge anyway.  Brad-Boy will find that out soon enough.  

Hell, I bet every time she takes a swim in his in ground pool, she sucks it dry in fitty seconds, ‘cause his lame ass pool isn’t very big.  Hell, it ain’t much bigger than his coffee cup sized hot tub.  Fuckin Lame-O’s.

They remind me of some of my friends…

Always trying to get ahead.  Or getting engaged. Or wasting money on stupid shit like car insurance or a big Thanksgiving dinner with their fucked up Moms, Dads, and drooling ass Grandmas.  WTF, is up with that?

Then these same people get on Twitter or Facebook, or a lame ass blog like this, and post pictures of their little kids and talk about how cute they are.  And what they did on vacation.  And how well they are doing in school.  

Ha…Ooooooo, I am soooooo impressed, you fucking idiots.  Gag.

I gotta cut this short, ‘cause I need to find my Zepplin shirt and head on down to the Panama Club, because Izzy and the Rollerblades are playing, and the place will be full of cold beer and hot chicks.

While I am partying down to head bangin' guitar riffs and babes without butter faces, you all can enjoy your cuddling, your parenting, and your sterile, yet cozy little homes.  Ha…Oh, and one other thing…

Get a clue as to what life is really all about, would ya?

Suck it Losers,

Ben Haten

Ben left no forwarding address, so send all inquiries to Matt-Man at:

neshobadude@yahoo.com

http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

I'm Andy Rooney: Ass Man

Hola internet! Andy Rooney here, doing a special blog post on “I’m With Stupid” blog. As you probably heard, I have announced my retirement from my “regular” appearances on 60 Minutes. I know that seems strange since I only had to work for like 4 minutes once a week. But, when you’re my age, you don’t have those four minutes to spare anymore. But, I did want to do a blog post for my old friends Matt-Man and Jayman.

Of course, they really aren’t old. They’re half my age. So that makes them half-old, because I’m most definitely old. You gotta be careful when using the word “old.” Some people take great offense to it. I don’t because I’ve been old for a long time now. Some, who are old, don’t like to be reminded of it though, so I don’t use the word much. I’m not really an asshole, you know.

I was never allowed to use the word “asshole” on 60 Minutes.

This is my first ever guest blog post anywhere. I don’t really know what a blog is though. “Blog” is a funny word. It sounds a lot like “blob” which is also a funny word. But, I know what a blob is. I’m kind of a blob. Just and old, cubby guy sitting on his couch writing a blog post for some guys on the internet who may or may not be stupid.  I’m not really clear on who the stupid one here is on the “I’m With Stupid” blog.

Of course, I didn’t mean to imply that everyone who blogs is also a blob. I’m sure many bloggers are in great shape. Especially the women. That’s why I retired. I’m going to use this new free time to check all the hot babes I’ve heard about on the internet. I’m an “ass man” by the way.

I was never allowed to mention that I’m an ass man on 60 Minutes.

I guess they didn’t want to risk me running off all the women with big breasts, or “breast men” out there. Ashton Kutcher can run around in his boxers, but I can’t tell everyone I’m an “ass man.” I don’t really know what it would have hurt, though. Are big breasted women so insecure that if they found out I preferred asses and legs; they would stop watching the show? Well, they probably would.

There are a lot of women on CBS shows that have nice asses. I usually watch all the primetime shows mainly for the hotties. Currently my favorite is Cobie Smulders on How I Met Your Mother. I know Jayman prefers Alyson Hannigan, but I’m not into the Fire Crotch. Yeah, a lot of people say she’s not a real redhead, but why risk it?

They wouldn’t let me say “Fire Crotch” on 60 Minutes.

Well, I guess I better wrap this up, as I’m told people on the internet have short attention spans. And of course, people are busy. As am I. I have all these new Tumblr Porn blogs to check out every day. Even if I’m still not clear what this whole blog thing is. Not that it matters. You probably don’t need to know what a blog is, or how it works, to enjoy one.

I don’t understand women, but I enjoy them, especially their asses. I guess I already mentioned that though. I tend to repeat myself as I get older. This is probably why it’s time I scaled back my appearances on 60 Minutes. It would be embarrassing to repeat myself all the time on TV. Nobody cares if you do on a blog though, especially if you’re talking about women and their perfect butts.

I couldn’t say “butt” on 60 Minutes either.

Well, enough of this. I have to go do Google Image Searches for my new blog “Hotties of CBS,” soon as I figure out how to set one of those up.  It can’t be too hard if these two guys who say they’re stupid can do it. Or am I the one who’s stupid? I still haven’t figured it out.

For I’m With Stupid blog and internet radio show, this is Andy Rooney, Ass Man.

--

And if you would like to listen to Matt-Man and Jayman ramble about nothing much and then take a call from Amy in Orlando who appeared to know who Matt-Man is, even though he didn’t seem so sure who SHE is, then you should totally listen to this week’s SEO Show Prep Show #3.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/Jayman_IWS

Rosh Hashanah 2011: Suckers!!

Hi Kidz, Matt-Man here…and today? We are celebrating Rosh Hashanah.

Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year. While technically called in Hebrew, Days of Awe or Day to Blow the Shofar, I call it…

The Kick-Off to the yearly 847 Jewish Holidays…or as my Korean-Jewish neighbor Kow Dung Holstein calls it…

Wash Hashanra.

Whatever…he can praise the Torwah, and delight in his kosher dog meat all he wants for all I care, that‘s cwazy…

Anyhoo, and like I said…

It’s the Jewish New Year, and we all have to like the Jews…and even more so, we have to adore the State of Israel. And seriously, what’s not to like?

I mean, c’mon, it’s a successful bastion of democracy smack dab in the heart of Muslim, sandnigger country. Which of course is why we, the United States, give them 2 Billion dollars a year.

And because they are a biblical people who for whatever reason God likes, you can’t hate them…in spite of the cost!! Now dig it…

We borrow 2 Billion dollars from the Chinese. We give the 2 Billion to Netanyahu and his Israeli cronies. The Israelis invest it in research and develop weapons, and then…the Christ-Killing, non-foreskin bastards sell the technology to the diminutive demagogues in Peking.

What’s not to like about that? Just staying true to the DNA passed down by the Moneychangers in the Temple, I guess!! How can one hate the Israelis for that?

Ya can’t. In fact…because they appear in the Bible as God’s chosen people…in America, it is a moral and political crime to speak ill of them at all.

Hell….Even though they killed God’s only begotten Son, all we hear from FOX NEWS, the GOP, and Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-Haifa) is:

“It was all a big mix up; Obama paid off Pilate”

Y’know…Fuck that.

The Jewish Sanhedrin, wanted Jesus dead because he was a threat to their, pay for play power with the Romans, who allowed the dried up Rabbis to pretend that they actually had power.

The Jews were the whores and the Romans were the Johns, not the disciple John mind you, ‘cause John was queer…okay he could have turned man tricks but…a gay John nonetheless. Where was I? Anyway…

Why do American Christians, specifically American evangelical Christians, kowtow to the State of Israel?

Because in Biblical prophecy, Jerusalem must be ravaged by heathens, destroyed, and then rebuilt to fulfill the Second Coming of Christ!! I say, if that’s the case…

Why the fuck are we spending all that money to help protect them?

Let’s cut off funding, suck the ego out of Prime Minister Netanyahu’s head, and allow the Palestinians to set things in motion, by destroying the damn place, so right-to-work Jewish (or nearly-slave wage Palestinian) labor can restore it and usher in the Baby Jeebus.

Hell, we’ll have peace in our time and then maybe, Ariel Sharon wouldn’t have to be spoon fed any longer. Just sayin…

Oh…Happy Fucking Rosh Hashanah, you Hebrewlites. 

I hope you, like I, are enjoying the irony of how the evangelical right worships you, you Christ-Killing party animals.

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Fall Network Show Reviews

It’s that time of year again folks. People start thinking about winterizing the trailer house, start planning for the holidays and check out all the new shows on the fall network TV lineup. I have decided to do a very thorough review of most of the new shows. 

Unforgettable: Totally forgot to watch. (Editor’s note: Poppy Montgomery? RAWR!)

Terra Nova: More like Terra Neva!

New Girl: Got old quick.

I Hate My Teenage Daughter: Not as much as I do.

The X Factor: I went ahead and X’d that one out.

The Playboy Club: Please revoke my membership.

Prime Suspect: The only thing I suspect is this show will get cancelled soon.

Grimm: Very, very grim.

Up All Night: Cure for insomnia.

Free Agents: Overpriced.

Whitney: Witless.

2 Broke Girls: 2 stupid 2 bother with episode 2.

Person of Interest: Lost interest about 10 minutes into the show.

A Gifted Man: Talentless.

Charlie’s Angels: Pure Hell to watch.

Pan Am: Crashed and burned.

Revenge: I will get payback for that lost hour of my life.

Last Man Standing: Everyone else fell over from boredom and went to sleep.

Suburgatory: Bland and boring.

The Secret Circle: They should have kept this secret to themselves.

Hart of Dixie: Flatlined.

H8R: L8R.

There you have it kids. A brilliant and comprehensive analysis of the new network shows. Hope you enjoy the new season!! 

Herman Cain 2012: Pillsbury Ghedough Boy

Help me lift that old rugged cross.  Shed that precious blood with me.  Come out of the political wilderness and with me, bathe in the amazing grace.

Praise Jesus my friends, and Halleluiah to the Republican voters of  the Sunshine State…

I am Herman Cain, and I won the GOP Florida Straw Poll this past Saturday, Amen my brothers and sisters…Amen.

I have been running for the GOP Presidential nomination for months now, and yet after several debates and Saturday’s huge win some of you may be unfamiliar with me.  

To some of you, I am like one of those old negro spirituals you’ve heard sometime, somewhere, but you don’t know why or where. Allow me, Herman Cain, to introduce myself to you, the deeply intellectual readers of I’m with Stupid.

At my root and core, I am a mixture of Steve Forbes, Chef Boyardee, and Rick James.  In other words…

“Bring on the flat tax, condividere la pizza del successo, ‘cause I’m Herman Cain, Bitch!!”

Many people learned just that about me at last Thursday’s GOP Debate, I was wild and the others were mild.

While, as Brit Hume said, “Perry really threw up all over himself.”, Michele Bachmann talked about the health of potentially cancerous cooters of pre-teen girls, and Ron Paul stared wildly into the camera while adjusting that hair hat some bitch sewed to his misshapen head, I, Herman Cain, was shining…

I was shining like the black light of common sense upon the canvas of the psychedelic 70’s poster that is the Tea Party.  I was rockin’ da hizzy, and electrifying the electorate.

The only ones not excited about my performance were Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman.  Me being a black man with the name, Cain, those two Mormons were looking at me like I was the one who killed Abel.  I don’t know what that means, but Matt-Man thought it would be funny.

Anyways…

Let me say…I am not a politician; I am a problem solver, and all problem solving skills can go back to the making of a pizza.  Fortunately, I used to be CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, so I have the skill set to make America the great 16” deluxe pie it once was.

Obama has spent three years making economic crazy bread, which only proves that Kenyan Muslims don’t know shit about making pizza.  That wouldn’t happen in a Muslim-Free Herman Cain Administration.  

I’d be spreading my sauce, cutting my cheese, loading my meat, and delivering a delicious economy to you in thirty minutes or less.

And the deliciousness of my economy pie all goes back to the dough.  How so, you ask?  Allow me to asplain…

I don’t care how hard one works the dough of the economy.  How diligently one works the dough, coddles the dough, loooooves the dough.  Much like the economy, no matter how much attention one gives the dough, it won’t rise without that one special ingredient.

Yeast.

My friends, I Herman Cain, want to be your Commander-in-Yeast.
I want to infect the economic machine that is America with a yeast infection so widespread and virulent, that nothing and no one can cure it.

America has been going hungry for a long time my friends, and she wants to eat.  It’s time to dial up the Pizza Man.

It’s time to dial up Herman Cain 2012.  Yeast at last, yeast at last…Thank God Almighty, we have yeast at last!!

Your contribution to the Herman Cain 2012 campaign can be sent to:

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

And while you’re making it out, please listen to Jayman and Matt-Man doing Saturday’s Big Gay Show on Blog Talk Radio…

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

BotW: Anna Kournikova

This week, the staff here at IWS is proud to name Anna Kournikova as our latest Babe of the Week! Anna is best known as one of the great tennis players of all time. Okay, actually she’s known for being more of a celebrity than a tennis player. But, she really was pretty damn good.

She was ranked as high as 8^th as a singles player and was, for a while, the number ONE female doubles player in the world. Boy would I love to play doubles with her myself. I’d definitely love to return her serve, if you know what I mean.

As hard as it is to believe, Anna is only 30 years old and has moved onto a new chapter in her life. She is now one of the trainers on the hit TV show The Biggest Loser. You know, it actually kind of makes me feel kind of dirty realizing how young she was when she burst onto the scene back in the day. A little like Jennifer Love Hewitt. But, it’s okay because I like that feeling.

Anyway, congrats to the lovely and talented Anna Kournikova for being named Babe of the Week! 

Be sure to check out the I’m With Stupid podcast! The #1 Comedy show on Blog Talk Radio!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Matt Said, Jay Said VI

I know you’ve been waiting all week impatiently for a new edition of MS, JS. And you’re patience has been rewarded!

Matt: “Blah, Blah, Blah”
Jay: *makes the sounds all the adults on Charlie Brown specials make*
Matt: “Time to make some changes”
Jay: “But I like you just the way you are!”
Matt: “No, to the blog and shit, not me. I don’t change for nobody.”
Jay: “OHHHH .. Yeah, the blog.”

Jay: “You know, this SEO stuff just never ends.”
Matt: “It’s a lifelong process.”
Jay: “I’ve been busy though. Posted the show to the Tumblr, my old blog AND stumbled it.”
Matt: “You better pace yourself. We still have a show to do!”
Jay: “I’ll have to go to bed early. And I’ll be sore in the morning.”

Matt: “We need to be more organized.”
Jay: “Well, I’m Mr. Organization. Kinda.”
Matt: “We’re fully capable of taking our ideas and carrying through with them.”
Jay: “Yeah!”
Matt: “We have the talent and entertainment skills.”
Jay: “I’m inspired!”
Matt: “I am too! I inspired myself.”
Jay: “You’re a modern day Knute Rockne.”
Matt: “I was thinking Billy Graham.”
Jay: “Him too!”

Jay: “I’ve been tweeting with Giada De Laurentiis”
Matt: “Oh really? What did she tweet you? A restraining order?” Hey-OOOO!
Jay: “No, she tweeted that she was ‘Making Goodies.’”
Matt: “Oh God.”
Jay: “So I just told her that I LOVE her goodies.”
Matt: “You are one suave dude, Jayman.”
Jay: “I know it. It’s a wonder I’m still single.”
Matt: “A complete mystery.”
Jay: “One of those things that just can’t be explained.”
Matt: “Not even by Stephen Hawking.”

Matt: “So show ideas?”
Jay: “Not really. Thought about a passive-aggressive show.”
Matt: “Ha! That’s always a good time.”
Jay: “Just nothing but taking shots at people without naming them.”
Matt: “We still need to do the gay show, though.”
Jay: “A Big Gay Show?”
Matt: “Yeah, we can sing show tunes and talk about Bette Midler songs.”
Jay: “And DADT. And Chaz Bono and other gay stuff.”
Matt: “Exactly, we’ll just gay it up.”
Jay: “It’ll be FABULOUS!”
Matt: “Alright, there it is.”
Jay: “Sweet! Solid prepping today dude.”
Matt: “Very productive and efficient.”

So, there you have it. Entertainment and marketing geniuses at work. So, don’t forget to listen to the show at 6:30 EDT on I’m With Stupid.  Also, if you’d like to listen to our awesome SEO Show Prep Show from last Wednesday, you can do so on this here handy, dandy BTR player. I recommend you especially listen to the final 15 minutes. That’s comedy gold right there folks. And a great preview of Saturday’s show.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Schweddy Balls Will Never Touch These Lips

As you probably know by now, Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream released a new flavor this week called “Schweddy Balls.”  It’s a tribute to one of the great Saturday Night Live skits of all time when Alec Baldwin was a “guest” on *says in a low, breathy voice* National Public Radio.

Anyway, as you can imagine there some organizations out there have a problem with this. And they all have something to do with “Family” “Jesus” or “Mommy.” One such organization is One Million Moms. They’re damn pissed! 

But, there is another group located here in Redneckville, Arkansas that is even more pissed, but isn’t as well-known as One Million Moms. This group is named World Holiness Order of Reformed Evangelical Sinners. Or just the “Holiness Order.” 

Because we are a public service blog, Matt-Man and I agreed to let the President of this group, Anita Lay, use this blog to express their extreme displeasure with Ben & Jerry’s decision to release “Schweddy Balls.” 

“As Jayman would say ‘Hola Bit … uh … Slang Term for Female Dogs’ hehe … Anita Lay, President of the Holiness Order here! And I would like to thank the boys at I’m With Stupid for letting me vent here. It’s very nice of them even if I do find them to be morally reprehensible most of the time. 

Anyway, I’m here to ask, no, DEMAND that the left-wing, socialist-loving company Ben & Jerry’s put their Schweddy Balls away! Nobody wants to see them. They shouldn’t be out in public.  Look, I don’t care what someone does in private. But, I shouldn’t have to worry about my kids walking through the ice cream section of the grocery store and risk seeing Schweddy Balls! And they damn well better not see anyone licking some Schweddy Balls at the ice cream shop at the outdoor mall! 

They are entirely too young to know what Schweddy Balls are and what you do with them. And I shouldn’t be forced to discuss this with them just yet. They will learn these things on their wedding night like I did.  It’s bad enough that when my kids were playing ‘Dancing with The Stars’ the other night my son was wearing my house dress and claimed he was doing a ‘Reverse Chaz Bono.’ *shudder* 

How far have we fallen as a society when we allow something like ice cream to be perverted with the name of ‘Schweddy Balls?’ I mean, what the H.E. Double Hockey Stick? Why don’t they just come out with a whole line of offensive ice cream names? Names like…

‘It Taint Bad’
‘Swamp Ass’
‘Boob Sweat’
‘Cleveland Steamer’
‘Tossed Salad’
‘Fudge Packer’
‘Pearl Necklace’

Not that I have any idea what any of those terms mean. I had the black kid next door right down a few of them for me. I knew he would know them. The heathen. 

Oh and one last thing because I know you are wondering. These lips HAVE NEVER and WILL NEVER touch any Schweddy Balls. I’m not even the least bit curious what it would be like at all. AAAAANND, no Schweddy Balls will ever touch my daughter’s lips either. And they sure AS HECK won’t touch my son’s lips! So there! 

Anyway, thank you for letting me speak my mind here today. God bless you, and God Bless I’m With Stupid and GOD BLESS AMERICA!”

Anita Lay
Head HO

Also, because I’m a world famous internet radio star, and marketing and branding expert, I am currently acting as the interim communications director. I’m doing this for free because I’m a Person Interesting in Making Progress. So, if you have any comments or complaints, feel free to contact me.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws