Happy B-Day U.S.A. !!

Yeah, we celebrated Independence Day and it was funny...

MURICA: FUCK YEAH!!

This week we went on a patriotic little trip on IWS Radio. We wandered the internet superhighways and byways in search of America and we found it. America is inside of all of us. America is in our hearts and minds at all times, right next to Jesus.

It was a different kind of a show this week. Oh sure, it was funny as always. You get Matt-Man and Jayman in the same place and the laughter will be flowing like a river during the rainy season. Minus all the mud, litter and twigs that accumulate when rivers rise. You get the idea though, there were some funny moments. Mostly though I think you could sense the deep, unconditional love we both have for America.

After the usual witty banter we kicked things off with a beautiful rendition of The Star Spangled Banner by Buddy Acapella. From there we talked about what we love most about America, some of our favorite Americans and even people we would be willing to make honorary Americans.

There was some patriotic music during the show also. The song “You’re a Grand Old Flag” from Billy Murray in 1906 brought tears to Jayman’s eyes. Then we all sang along to “Yankee Doodle Dandy” but afterwards there was a discussion about how appropriate that song is for kids.

Slyder Balzcock, Mr Vague and even Senator John McCain joined us to celebrate American in their own way. Along with them we heard from Bobby Kraft, KleeShay Johnson and the Alarmist Weatherman scared the heck out of everyone who thought clear skies and sun wasn’t anything to worry about it.

Then Jamie Mapleleaf called in with some very important information about men’s health. Matt-Man and Jayman both took notes and pledged to do their best to follow her instructions. Schmoop also joined Jamie and Jay to talk about all the slicing and dicing going on at the Deli. Then we wrapped everything up with Matt and Jay’s favorite patriotic song of all time “This Land is Your Land” by Woody Guthrie.

Another EPIC episode of IWS Radio kids! Check it out! Or do you hate America????

                              

                                                

Cut the Crap...It's Time To Celebrate America!!

So, today begins a IWS celebration of our nation’s 238th year of independence.

As he was Ben Franklin’s press secretary, I tried to get Larry King to sit down with me for an eyewitness account of what went down during our nation’s birth.

Unfortunately, Larry King was tied up announcing his retirement from CNN...yet again, which he had done years ago..

Anyhoo, the Fourth of July is fast approaching…

A time to celebrate our country’s origins through backyard barbeques, illegal fireworks, and pissing in one’s own backyard while the burgers cook.

It’s a time for drinking too much beer, and getting a domestic violence assault charge leveled against you as a result of the wife not buying enough Johnsonville Brats.

It is also a time when normally motionless mannequins everywhere, shudder at the thought that they may be used in the latest fireworks safety video.

I do, so love America!!

I spent my day at work yesterday, thinking about something…The Declaration of Independence.

Jefferson, Franklin, and Adams (John, not Maud) were the main writers.

Jefferson did the draft. Penis envy laden Adams whined about being one-upped, and Franklin offered revisions while in a drunken, but brilliant stupor.

TJ originally had written that Americans should have, “Life, Liberty, and Property.”

Ben Franklin suggested the famous, “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.”

That suggestion was accepted after Jefferson initially shot down Franklin’s original idea of having the document read:

“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of air baths, rum, and drunken, buxom wenches between dusk and dawn.”

Ben rocked.

Another little known fact is that while Patrick Henry was not a signer of the Declaration of Independence, the stern, fire and brimstone orator and patriot, had offered up an alternative declaration to King George III.

It read as follows…

“Yo, G-Man, sally forth, and go fuck thyself, you wig wearin‘ bitch. You‘re no King. You‘re a Princess, you girly man, you.”

Sadly, it wasn’t adopted by the Second Continental Congress…Pussies.

Funny thing about Patrick Henry. His quote, “Give me liberty or give me death.” has been edited over the years.

His actual quote was, “Give me liberty, or give me death…and veal. Yeah, give me veal too. It’s so tender.”

Patrick Henry could help topple governments AND appreciate a fine meal. So American!!

It’s all about our independence, baby!!  And….USA advancing in the World Cup of Soccer, is the dessert of putting Piers Morgan and his self-aggrandizing brethren in their place.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

@mattmaniws@ymail.com
My Twitter Page
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Matt Said, Jay Said...1776

Matt-Man town cries…Jayman pamphleteers…You, toss Orange Pekoe into Boston Harbor.

Jay:  Hello Schmoop; it’s Jay.
Schmoop:  Hello Jay…Here’s Matt.
Matt: Hi Jayman, how is your evening?
Jay:  Not bad and yours?
Matt:  Pretty Good.

Jay:  I was thinking about this Sunday’s show.
Matt:  And?
Jay:  We should do an American History Show since the 4th of July is fast upon us.
Matt:  That’s a great idea.

Jay:  I thought so.
Matt:  We could talk about our fave founding fathers, least fave Presidents, and fave Commanders-in-Chief.

Jay:  Damn right.  Bobby Kraft could talk about famous battlefields like Pea Ridge.
Matt:  Buddy Acapella could sing our National Anthem.
Jay:  I could talk about many historical things because I’ve been known to turn a bitch.
Matt:  That’s hot.
Jay:  IKR?

Matt:  We could also update today’s news.
Jay:  Damn right.  Slyder could give an update on the tragically funny news about Aaron Hernandez.
Matt:  Poor dude.  Had it all, but blew it like a bad tire.
Jay:  Maybe Paul Piatt?  Is he patriotic?
Matt:  More than you think!!

Jay:  Hmmmmmmm…
Matt:  Lot of cookouts coming up this week, maybe Kirk Douglas could give us a weather report.
Jay:  If he’s still alive, he will.

Matt:  Man, our Drunk on History show is going to be great!!
Jay:  I know right!?

Matt:  Hey!?
Jay:  What?
Matt:  Something weird just happened.
Jay:  What’s that?

Matt:  We actually discussed what we are going to do on Sunday’s show.
Jay:  Holy Independence; we actually did!!

Matt:  After nearly three years on the air, are we growing up and becoming mature?
Jay:  Oh Hell No.
Matt:  Why do you say that?
Jay:  Because after nearly 237 years, Congress hasn’t grown up.
Matt and Jay:  Heyyyyyyy-ooooooooo.

Matt:  Annnnnnd Jayman, Angie will be on to discuss the SCOTUS DOMA ruling and Prop 8!!
Jay:  That’s HOT.

Matt: This is going to be a jam packed show.
Jay:  Damn right and I hope people call-in at 661.244.9852
Matt:  Exactly, and listen to us by clicking HERE

Jay:  See you on the radio this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET.
Matt:  And unto you, I say the same….

To catch Jay and Matt LIVE this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET you can click HERE.

The 4th of July is Dangerous

Hola and Happy Independence Day y’all! I realize that anywhere from 34.7% to 58.3% of the people who read this blog don’t live in the US, but I’m sure you folks are celebrating too anyway. Why? Because it’s America BABY! And, everyone all over the world loves America, except those terrorists, of course. But, let’s be honest, inside of at least 90% of terrorists is an American just dying to live be freed of ideological tyranny and police state oppression.

Anyway, since it is the 4th of July I, like any good American, have a great fireworks story full of awe-inspiring bravery to tell you guys. I think I was about 12 years old and I had a bunch of Black Cat firecrackers to play with. And play with them I did. I tried to blow up anything and everything I stuff those things into.

I put them in Hot Wheels cars, model airplanes, an ant hill, glass and plastic bottles and other things that would make them even louder. But, the great moment came when I showed great bravery and selflessness. I was lighting them and tossing them like grenades at a wasp nest for a while and then decided to other targets when the wasps clearly decided they had had enough of my fun and games.

Anyway, I was just about to go inside and only had one left so I planned on tossing it towards the wasp nest and run inside real quick like. Unfortunately, I’m not all that coordinated and I instead dropped the Black Cat just inside the door. That’s when I flew into action.

As I looked down at the firecracker, I realized it was too close to the house. My family would be in danger and I HAD to protect them. Without any concern for my wellbeing I reached down and grabbed the firecracker and ran out of the house. Then, instead of just tossing it off to the side, I dramatically reached back to throw it as if I was trying to throw Lou Brock out at home plate.

Unfortunately, the fuse on those little bitches isn’t that long. The thing blew just as It was leaving my fingers. The pain was almost more than I could stand. My fingers burned and my right ear was ringing. I stood there staring at my right hand in horror as my fingers began to tingle and turn red. OH MY GOD! I BLEW MY FINGERS OFF!

I was sure I would never have use of my right hand again. I had done it now. Worst of all, my mother was going to be right in assumption that I was too stupid to not blow myself up. As I stood there for couple of minutes things began to settle down and I realized I was going to be okay. I had mixed feelings because I know everyone would have thought my blowed up hand was really cool when I went back to school. But, that disappointment was washed away by the fact that my mother wasn’t going to get to say “I told you so.”

I casually went back inside like nothing had happened and didn’t say a word. Then later that night, I took my other string of Black Cats outside, lit the fuse on the end and went inside. The entire straight blew one after the other while I sat there watching the Cardinals play baseball on TV like any other great American. Except my fingers still tingled a little.

And that was the last time I ever set off fireworks.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 

To Sleep; Perchance To Scream

“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?”
--Ernest Hemingway

“I love being awake.  My body has the tendency to fall apart when I’m asleep, you know?”
--Matt-Man

Happy Independence Day Eve you assorted chuckleheads and lovable fans of I’m With Stupid.

Tomorrow we as a nation will celebrate our independence from tyranny and oppression of a wig wearing King and his impressive, albeit less than manly dressed, military forces.

I sadly will be, as I too often do, experience the discomfort of being eternally indentured and forever shackled to my fear of sleeping.

That’s right.  The Matt-Man…the man about town, gad about town, effusive, devil-may-care Matt-Man has a fear of going to sleep, or as clinicians term it…

Hypnophobia and/or Somniphobia.

Yeah one term is Greek; the other is Latin, fight it out amongst yourselves, and at 3 in the morning let me know which term came out on top as I will be wide awake due to, MY FEAR OF SLEEPING!!

Oy.

Many psychiatric and medical types find that the fear of sleeping is often tied to a recurring, reality based nightmare, and just like nearly all people, I too have an occasional nightmare, and one that recurs often.

I often dream that I am having sex with Ann Coulter.

Ann is on top of course, and all the while in Latin, screaming, “Liberals are killing our babies and stealing from our Grandmothers!!”...she is wielding a Bible in one hand, a cheese grater in the other, and a can of corned beef hash swings upon a chain of thorns in a discordant rhythm, beneath her reptilian like neck.

I don’t get it.  I don’t like it either, but that’s not what frightens me from practicing the joy that is sound and restful sleep.

No my friends…My fear of sleep is neither mental nor emotional.  It’s physical.

Let me tell you , when we are busy at the Beer Mine, I am at the top of my game both physically and mentally. I am entertaining folks, swingin’ 30 packs around like nobody’s business, and tap dancing around like Mr. Bojangles.  It feels good.  I feel good.

And yet…

After an exhaustive, yet fulfilling day of doing that, I come home and at some point lay down, shut my eyes, and when not getting REM-Sleeped hosed by Ann Coulter and her cheese grater, other things begin to happen. Bad things.

For instance…

I woke up Sunday morning, I was in the same position I was in when I went to sleep, however…during the night, my left wrist must have thought it was double-jointed as it evidently bent over backwards to prove it, because it was dreadfully sore when I woke up.

It got better as the day went on, and I quit complaining about it, so by Sunday night when I went to sleep, I was happy and looking forward to a Monday where I felt 100%.

It wasn’t to be.

When I awoke Monday, my wrist was almost perfect, however I evidently slept funny and I had like a pinched nerve/muscle in my neck and the pain radiated down to my shoulder.

It’s the type of neck pain where if I want to look sideways, I have to turn my entire upper body, because it hurts to turn my neck.  Annoying folks!!

And then there are the early morning Charlie horse attacks in the calf, the AC dying at 2 AM resulting in me waking up feeling like a glazed donut, and of course the night screams from my BFF/OSP when she realizes on occasion, that I am sleeping in the bed with her.

I can’t take it folks, so…

Pass me another NOS, Monster, and/or Full Throttle, because the Matt-Man is never sleeping again…Ever!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

Celebrating What's Left of Our Freedoms...

235 years ago today the United States of America was born with the belief that all men are created equal (and they did mean MEN, uh, well WHITE men) and the right to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. On July 5^th 1776 groups of Food Nazis, Moralists, Do Gooders, Busy Bodies and Control Freaks began working to whittling away at that both of those “Liberty” and “Pursuit of Happiness” things.

And it's all being done under the bullshit cover of protecting children and improving society.

Things like smoking, drinking, gambling and eating good tasting foods are fine, but you people just can't be trusted and must be protected from yourselves. God forbid a couple of consenting adults might want to consent to doing something that consenting adults do in private. Oh hell no! The government MUST stop that!!

Don't send your children outside without knee pads, elbow pads and a helmet. Get rid of all the playground equipment too. We'd hate for the kids to be active and have fun climbing on shit. And whatever you do, don't make your own kid's lunch and send him/her off to school with it. Oh fuck no! There are districts around the country that are actually outlawing parents sending their kid's lunch to school with them. And those laws have NOTHING to do with making sure that the company that has the contract to run the school's cafeterias has more revenues and can donate more money to politicians. Not. At. All.

Same goes for DUI checkpoints where they stop people and search them and their vehicles with no probable cause whatsoever. This is strictly about protecting society. Again, it has nothing to do with city and county revenues. Nope. The reasons behind these things are pure and moral.

California requiring every single house to have a carbon monoxide detector? Just trying to cut down on the thousands hundreds 40 deaths per year that are a result of carbon monoxide poising. Not about the $400 million dollars the makers of carbon monoxide detectors will reap from this law.

And just because you OWN a business, doesn't mean that you get to decide whether or not someone may smoke inside of it. Oh fuck no. The government has decided for you. Your dark smokey bar can now only be dark. And, now that we think about it, turn the lights up. Bad things happen in dark places. Things that children should never be exposed to. Sure, you don't want to let children in your bar, but if you don't you are a horrible person!

Want to do a little renovating on YOUR house. Better get the okay from the city and your homeowner's association. What? You thought it was YOUR home? Don't be silly. You might think a covered deck would be a wonderful addition in the back yard. But, you don't get to make that decision. Also, make sure you check local laws and ordinances. Even the height of you steps is regulated by law.

This is just the tip of the iceberg people. All over America (and the world really) people are using the law to restrict your freedoms. And ironically enough, they're claiming that they're doing it to protect freedom. Our cities and towns are saturated with surveillance cameras to protect us. Not monitor our movements. It's important for the government to keep an eye on what books we check out from the library. We NEED to have our electronic communications data mined by the government. It's in the name of protecting our liberty folks. I don't know why you can't see that.

Anyway, we talked about these things and our 4^th of July celebrations this morning on “I'm With Stupid.” And if you love America, and us, but mostly America, you'll click “play” on the little player and listen to our show. Or give us the ratings hit. Or both.

Thank you and may the Supreme Spiritual Being of your choice bless you. At least until you no longer get to choose that either.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Happy Independence Day everyone!