Tuesday, February 3, 2015

I'm Dreaming With Jeff While My Toilet Double Flushes

Holaaaaaaaaaaaa! Okay, so things got a little weird here at the palatial estates during IWS’ recent week or so hiatus. There was some maintenance drama that had to be dealt with ya’ll. First there was a problem with the toilet. When I would flush as the tank was refilling with water the tower and ball thingy (sorry to get so technical) that stops at the water line so the thing doesn’t overfill made this really loud, weird noise. Basically it sounded like a whale in heat. Very disconcerting!

So, I decided to get our crack maintenance team on it. After a short discussion and my fucking hilarious impression of the sound the toilet was making that left everyone in the office in stitches they agreed to fix it. Seriously y’all, those folks in the office are a great comedy audience. I was killing with my “whale in heat” impression. Love those guys.

So they came down and changed out all the working parts of the toilet and TA-DAAAAAA! The horrible, annoying sound was gone. The lonely whale finally got laid and was smoking a cigarette in post-coital glow and everything was right in the world. Well, kind of.

There was still one small problem. My toilet now double flushes. I push down the handle, the flapper opens and the toilet flushes. Then the bowl refills quickly and then it flushes again! Then it refills normally and the tank refills and that’s that. Weird huh?

So, I stared at the toilet for a few days trying to figure out what the problem was. I came up with a couple of ideas, but I didn’t want to fiddle with anything. What if I’m wrong? What if I break something? Technically it’s not MY toilet, ya know? Also, what if it’s supposed to do that? What if that’s the new trend in toilets? Maybe we’re living in some brave new “double-flush” world? Maybe they set it up like this intentionally thinking I look like the kind of guy who needs the benefit of a double flush from time to time. I’m a bit insulted and thankful for this.

I thought about calling up maintenance and informing them of this double flush situation, but it would be a really awkward conversation …

Me: “Uh yeah, I have a problem with my toilet again. Now it’s double flushing.”
Them: “Sir we all have to double flush sometimes.”
Me: “No, it double flushes every time.”
Them: “You probably need to improve your diet then.”
Me: “No you don’t understa …. aw screw it. Never mind. Everything is fine.”

Then things really got complicated! The next night I dreamed that the toilet starting overflowing and I was piling up towels to stop the flood while also trying to turn the water off. What a mess! I was so pissed off and the bathroom was ruined and it was 4:00 a.m. central time and I just broke down and cried. There I was standing in cold ankle-deep water crying. This was one of my more pathetic dreams.

Okay, so that’s a sign right? I gotta get that double flush fixed, right? But, what if the flooding was caused by maintenance fixing it so that it only flushes once and all the extra water comes roaring over the edge of the toilet? Or was it cause by ME trying to fix it? I didn’t know what to do. Then something wonderful happened!

I saw Jeff Bridges’ Square Space commercial during the Super Bowl where he was talking about “Dreaming with Jeff!” That’s it! The Dude has a new website where we get to discuss our dreams. I’ll just go over there and register and people will help me with my problem. Then I’ll tell them about the REALLY freaky dreams and they’ll ban me just like the others have.

Unfortunately, “Dreaming with Jeff” is a new CD full of cosmic sounds aimed at helping people sleep and do some cool dreaming. At first I was a little disappointed, but then I thought maybe his ambient sleep-inducing music would help me get back to dreaming about less unsettling things like snakes with six legs or talking cows and shit like that. Or maybe some good dreams about certain ladies I know? Awww yeahhhhhhh! To hell with the double flushing toilet! All I want is a good night’s sleep. Bring it on Jeff!


I'm With Stupid said...

I feel bad about your double-flushing toilet, but my God man, that gif is making me dizzy!! Cheers Jayman!!


I'm With Stupid said...

Matt: You sure it doesn't make you want to dance? ha


Mike said...

Maybe the maintenance guys thought, 'this guy NEEDS a double flush'.