Thursday, February 5, 2015

A Smartass Looks At Fifty

Cheers and greetings to you all on this Thursday edition of the IWS Radio website.

Today is a special day, well not really a special day, but a day that will pre-emptively note a landmark event that will take place on Saturday.

I turn 50 years old on Saturday, and let me tell ya…over the past half-century, I have learned some valuable lessons, so let’s get to them in order for generations to read and learn.

YOU are not the best at what you do. Oh sure, I write pretty well, but I know that in the world there are more than a handful of better writers than I…or is that me?

Seriously folks, no matter what you do, somebody can do it better, so just forget about the others, and work on improving yourself.

No…no…not all babies are cute. Including yours.  Just like mine, he came out of the womb blue.  Babies may grow up to be cute, but most babies are born post-partum ugly.

When in a relationship, never be afraid to say what is on your mind.  In my marriage, I was afraid to do that. I was the peacemaker. When things are bad, don’t hold your tongue. I held my tongue for many years and all it left me with was bitterness and a case of thrush.

Do not, and I repeat…Do NOT EVER…eat Vienna Sausages.

It is claimed that Facebook, Twitter, and social media are filled with drama. Not true…PEOPLE are filled with drama, so choose your social media friends carefully, and if one appears to be filled with drama, needle the hell out of him or her without regret, because it is fucking fun.

Miracle Whip is a salad dressing and it sucks.  Hellman’s Mayonnaise is the way to go.

If someone who is close to you tells you to shut the fuck up because you are being an idiot? They are probably one of the closest friends you have.

If your children don’t love you…Quit making drunken calls to them on Sundays to berate them...move on with your life, and instead, marry some hot chick from a major grocery store deli.

Never ask a hot chick from a major grocery store deli to marry you.

Never cook liver in a crockpot.

Most of all, remember this…

It’s fine to have hundreds of friends on Facebook, and thousands of followers on Twitter, but more importantly, it is imperative that we all have a handful of close friends.

After 50 years, I am glad to say that I still have a few close friends, and really?  That’s all that matters, because whether I have two years left or twenty years left, my small circle of close friends will be there for me, and I for them.


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I'm With Stupid said...

Lots of great advice there. I'll do my best to follow it.


I'm With Stupid said...

Jay: Well thanks...I probably won't follow it. I mean, I give great advice to others but rarely follow my own. Cheers Jayman!!


Katy Anders said...

My first thought when i started this post was, "Wow! I didn't know Scarlett Johansson was 50!!!"

My second thought was remembering Walter White's wife on "Breaking Bad" making a little number 50 our of bacon on his breakfast plate.

Here's to hoping Scarlett Johansson makes you breakfast sometime in the next 12 months, Matt!

I'm With Stupid said...

Katy: Your wish for me is the best present I'll get this year. However, her mom being Jewish, I hope Scarlett won't be offended if I ask her to make me some bacon. Cheers Katy!!


Mike said...

Never cook liver in a crockpot can be reduced to 'never liver'.

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: Hey Now!! I love me some liver and onions. Cheers Mike!!