Thursday, December 11, 2014

How Divorce Changes People ...

Holaaaaaaaaaaa! Well, now that Matt-Man is divorced his life has changed more than you guys can ever imagine. I’ve been observing him over the last 24 to 36 hours and I can tell you that the change has been astounding! Matt-Man has a whole new view on life. Just check out some of the changes that are happening to Matt-Man:

- He is now a Health Nut: I can see Matt-Man strolling down the organic food isles at the grocery store refusing to eat anything that has been treated with pesticides or pumped full of growth hormones. Our usual “What’s for dinner” exchange on Twitter will go something like …

“@Jayman_IWS Oh, I’m having a hamburger patty, mashed taters and some French cut green beans. Whatchu havin’??”

“@MattMan_IWS I think I’ll have baked organic free-range chicken with some organic kale and squash covered in a spicy mango salsa with a bottle of pure spring water.”


- Even worse he’s working on becoming a Vegan and Marathon Runner!!! …

“@MattMan_IWS I’m having tofu and broccoli stir fry laid over a bed of gluten-free brown pasta. I need to carb up to be ready to run a 10K this weekend for Enlarged Prostate (BPH) Awareness.”

- He’s turned into a bit of snob: Matt has given up drinking Wild Irish Rose and Steel Reserve. Instead he will be drinking fancy French wines! On the rare occasions that he does drink beer it will only be a very highly regarded craft beer brewed and a small privately owned brewery that he orders directly from on the internet.

- He has become weirdly and agreeable and complimentary of everyone …

“. @SeanHannity I was watching you tonight and while I don’t agree that gay people have a mental disorder and can be cured through shock therapy, I respect your views and the high production value of your shows.”

“. @MHPShow Could I possibly get a copy of the syllabus a little early so I can take extra time to prepare for the show. I find it helps me to read it thoroughly twice before the show to keep up with your superior intellect. Thanks gorgeous!”


- He’s talking serious about quitting smoking! Oh God! Matt-Man is gonna be one of those “Back when I smoked” people. You know the type! He’ll be one of those people who find a way to bring up the fact that he used to smoke no matter is going on.

“I walked to work today and you know what? It’s amazing how much easier that walk is now that I don’t smoke. I mean I walked here without any real effort at all. I’m not even breathing heavily. I bet I could walk here and then turn right around walk back home and still not break a sweat. You people who smoke can’t do that. Sucks for you! Oh I see what got a new shipment of Grippo’s BBQ Chips! You know what? This is gonna sound weird but I used to hate these when I smoked. It’s just amazing what smoking does to the other senses. I swear every single day I feel better about myself and the rest of my life. Food tastes better, water tastes purer, flowers smell prettier and the list goes on and on! I really hope I can inspire others to quit smoking too so they can experience the world the same way I have.”  

Maybe he should have just stayed married?



5 comments:

I'm With Stupid said...

I can help it Jayman. When the judge said, "You're free to go.", the person that had been trapped within in me for all of those years burst forth from deep within me like the freak in Alien. Cheers Jayman!!

Matt

I'm With Stupid said...

Matt: I left the part about you becoming a Metrosexual out. You're welcome.

Jay

jAMiE said...

Change can be very exciting...it is amazing what a divorce can do for someone.

Good on ya mate!

I'm With Stupid said...

Jamie: Very true! Change is a good thing.

Jay

Mike said...

This is one of the tallest tales you've spun yet Jayman. Taller than a tallboy.