Tuesday, November 4, 2014

The Headlines Never End!

Holaaaaaaaaaaaaa! More headlines you say? Sure! Why not!

Lena Dunham has sparked controversy with her new book titled “This is What Happens When You Have Permissive Parents Who Raise Their Sociopath Kid to Not Have Boundaries and Overshare.”

According to the Center for Comedic Statistics the number of Americans working on their Morgan Freeman impression has gone over 100,000,000. That puts Freeman in second place behind Arnold Schwarzenegger.


Hospitals in the U.S. have started running trials for wireless heart monitoring technology. Doctors say the technology seems to work well, but patients say it’s hell when the thing buffers.

ISIS and Mexican Drug Cartels say Tom Cotton’s election to the senate has dealt a serious blow to their non-existent plans to invade Arkansas.

Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly said on his show recently that many Americans are “simply dumb.” He then said “Just look at how high my ratings are! That should prove my theory right there.”

Bob Geldoff is planning a new Band Aid song to help fight Ebola. It’s titled “Don’t Cough on Me!”

North Carolina voters report their voting machines have been switching their votes from democrat to republican. Then back again. And again. Officials say it’s all in good fun and the votes even out.

NBC cancels the show “Bad Judge” after only five episodes shocking experts who were sure the show wouldn’t last more than three weeks.

Lorne Michaels has revealed that “Saturday Night Live” is working under a whole new premise this season. Michaels says “We’re not focusing on being funny anymore. We have other things we want to accomplish with the show.” He declined to reveal what those other things are.

American’s looking forward to the 2016 Presidential Election Season kicking off on Wednesday.

Frenchman downs 56 shots of liquor and surrenders. Permanently.

Mathematicians say the University of Arkansas football team has found every possible way to lose a game. Something no other team has accomplished since the Northwester Wildcats 34 game losing streak from 1979 through 1982.

NBC’s Chuck Todd is shocked to find that American’s number one concerns are domestic issues while voting in the American elections.

A new study finds that men shorter than 5’ 9” are more likely to suffer from dementia. Added Vladimir Putin “not to men delusions of grandeur.”    

Saudi Arabia’s Religious Police have outlawed “Tempting Eyes.” Will take up the issue of “Winking” next week.


Kaci Hickox, the nurse in Maine who has been fighting orders to be quarantined for 21 days out of Ebola fears now says she will attempt to set the world hugging record this week. Sign up for the event has been described as “slow.”   

NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon recently delivered Drive to End Hunger’s one millionth meal to an elderly lady who asked him why it took him so damn long to get there.



7 comments:

I'm With Stupid said...

Twitch in Local Girl's Right Eye Found to be Sexy. Cheers Jayman!!

Matt

Mike said...

Milana Vayntrub is just a super cutie.

Katy Anders said...

I agree with Mike about, um, I guess her name is Milana Vayntrub.

That doesn't sound like a real name, though, and I'm still not buying a phone from her.

But still. You should post more pics of her instead of Morgan Freeman. Plus she should narrate penguin movies.

I'm With Stupid said...

Matt: She seems like a nice girl.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: Milana is a very talented actress and comedian. I'm a big fan.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Katy: I think Milana needs a better PR team. The one she has never thought to get her to change her name. I'll probably just call her "Mil."

Jay

Katy Anders said...

As of 30 seconds ago, I'm following her on twitter. Things will start getting a lot better for her now.