Holaaaaaaaaaaa! IWS World Media Entertainment Sports Division has exclusively acquired the transcript from the NFL War Room. The following discussions took place beginning a few minutes after the video of Ray Rice beating Janay Palmer inside that elevator through mid-day Wednesday. It’s a truly fascinating look behind the scenes of North America’s most powerful sports league.
NFL Flunky: Commissioner Goodell! I need to speak to you in private.
Goodell: This better be important.
Flunky: It is! A new video of Ray Rice hitting his wife has emerged. It’s really horrible!
Goodell: FANTASTIC! Get the cameras set up. I love a chance to drop the hammer of justice on players.
Flunky: Oh, no sir, uh …. It’s not a new incident. It’s the video from INSIDE the elevator of that casino.
Goodell: GAWD-DAMMIT! I was told that that video had been destroyed … uh … I mean, what video?
Flunky: Do you want to see it? It’s really bad?
Goodell: I’ve already seen it. I mean, it won’t be necessary. We’ve got to get to work. Assemble the PR Team!
Flunky: Who is the PR Team, sir?
Goodell: Peter King, Chris Mortensen, Adam Schefter and the rest.
Flunky: What’s the official line going to be?
Goodell: That we’ve never seen this video before today!
Flunky: There’s a problem with that.
Goodell: Oh really?
Flunky: Back in February we told them that we HAD seen the video and that it exonerates Ray and that Janay attacked him.
Goodell: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand it doesn’t show that?
Flunky: No sir.
Goodell: Who was the moron who told them THAT then??
Flunky: Uh, you were sir.
Flunky: I’ll look into it and find out who did that sir!
Goodell: Okay, call Baltimore and tell them to release Ray Rice.
Flunky: Good idea sir!
Goodell: Then, after they do that I’ll suspend him indefinitely.
Flunky: But, you’ve already ruled on this case sir.
Flunky: So you can’t suspend him again.
Goodell: Who’s gonna stop me?
Flunky: The players union?
Goodell: Exactly! If we can get the union to file a grievance we’ll be the good guys again!
Flunky: OMG! You’re brilliant sir! They’ll be defending a wife beater!
Goodell: I amaze myself sometimes.
Flunky: What if the union doesn’t do anything?
Goodell: Better set up a one-on-one interview for me with someone.
Flunky: ESPN? Fox Sports? Bob Costas!!
Goodell: CBS! They’ve got Thursday night games for one season only, but want the next five also. No way they would risk that! Tell them they’ve got some really nice NFL shows and specials and making a lot of money and you’d hate for something bad to happen to that.
Flunky: Brilliant again sir! Jim Nantz? He’s at his goomah’s. I have the number.
Goodell: No …. It needs to be a woman who does the interview.
Flunky: I am in awe of you right now Mr. Goodell.
Goodell: Okay, I want confusing and conflicting stories put out there. The only clear part will be that I have never seen the video. Tell Baltimore they’re on their own, but let them know what we’re up to. More or less. Also, use your burner phone and get a hold of King, Mort and Schefty. Let them know that we’re aware of their predicament, but if they take one for the team there will be a reward down the road. They’re all young men. They have many years of being NFL insiders ahead of them. They have kids, grandkids and families to think about.
After I do the interview on CBS I want you to put out yet another statement. Wait, make it a letter to every team in the league. In THAT letter claim that we made several attempts to acquire the video, but we rebuffed.
Flunky: But, that will contradict everything said up to that point.
Goodell: *looking out the window at the New York City skyline” …. Exactly! Several different stories to confuse people with one common thread running through all of them.
Flunky: What’s that sir?
Goodell: Roger Goodell didn't do anything wrong.