Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Jayman is Giving Up on Marriage

Holaaaaaaaaaaa y’all! As you may or may not recall, one of my New Year’s resolutions for 2014 was to get married. Yes it was. I even wrote about on this here blog. No, that wasn’t a joke! I was serious about that. I came to the conclusion that what’s missing in my life is the joy and companionship that only a life partner can provide. So, I set out to find a wife.

Well, it’s damn near October and I’ve made very little progress on the wife front. As you can imagine I’m very disappointed about this. I had hoped to be having an elaborate and beautiful wedding at the Justice of the Peace’s office by the time the college football season really got rolling. That would be about NOW if you didn’t know. As you can see, that hasn’t happened.

I have made the very difficult decision to suspend my search for a wife for the remainder of 2014. Obviously I consider this an embarrassing failure on my part and I take full responsibility for it. I should have done more, but I just didn’t. Now we’re staring down the barrel of the Holidays and it’s just too hectic a time of year to be wasting so much time on a fool’s errand.

I’ll have to resume my search sometime in early 2015. I’ll use these next three months, or what free time I have, evaluating what went wrong and what new strategies I can try when Wife Search 2015™ commences. One of the things I’m considering is widening the search area. Maybe not really widening the search area so much as changing the region I’m focusing on. I’m thinking about focusing on American women. Well, NORTH American women. I don’t think we can ignore Mexico and Canada. I’m sure I will come up with other ideas too.

There’s one other thing that has caused me to come to this decision. I have been very deeply affected by the news of George Clooney getting married over the weekend. I think Clooney getting married makes my failure to find a suitable wife all the more glaring. I don’t really blame George, but …. Well okay, I blame George a little. You see, George promised to provide all of us unmarried guys cover by never getting married again. He really let me down. What’s worse is that he suddenly gave up all the bimbos and married a human rights lawyer who is super smart and educated and all that shit. So, while George was wooing an Oxford and NYU Law School grad I was busy telling a sweet Asian girl on Facebook that she doesn’t have to call me “sir” and that “Daddy” would do just fine.

George’s marriage has made me question everything I’ve ever believed. I don’t know if I can ever forgive him for it, but I’ll try. I hope everyone understands my anguish and respects my decision.


I'm With Stupid said...

I'll make certain to tell Shasta Fontaine that you are off the market for now. Cheers and Good Luck Jayman!!

Mike said...

I noticed you did try a spell Georges' new wifes name. And no it's not Mrs. Clooney.

Katy Anders said...

Unmarried people tend to think that all their problems would be solved if only they had someone.

Married people tend to think all their problems would be solved if only they didn't.

In reality, all of our problems would be solved if we slept more and sat around drinking, toking, and listening to really good music.

I'm With Stupid said...

Matt: Make sure Shasta knows that I'm not off the Booty Call Market though!


I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: I didn't want to look it up. Besides, I'm focusing more on George stabbing me in the back. ha


I'm With Stupid said...

Katy: You make a good point as always. I also like that you specified "really good" music. Not just any music. That makes a difference.


Mike said...

Didn't.. and; didn't... and; didn't.. and; face palm face palm face palm.

Edyta said...

You mean you haven't tried the online brides service?


Dana said...

AWESOME!! By 2015 I should be marriage material again (i.e. DIVORCED)!! Your loss is my gain. You should be afraid now ... even MORE afraid ...