Wednesday, June 25, 2014

I Don't Know You Well, But I'd Love To Slice your Meat

Salami Whore
When in the course of human events, some people get laid-off from their jobs.

Some people, in turn, take the unemployment time to reflect, better themselves, and find a job that fits them…until…the unemployment money runs out, and then, brutal reality sets in.

My BFF/PSGF Schmoop is one of them.

Here’s the thing about finding a job…

When push came to shove; when the monetary nose was to the grindstone; and when her sexy chips were down?

She, my friend Schmoop, found one.  Funny how that happens.

Seriously though?  She found work at a deli, and let me tell you, she will slice your meat, all the while with a smile upon her face, and food-safe gloves upon her hands.

When one such as Schmoop finds a deli job, one goes out of her way to maintain her pastrami cutting way of life.

However…

Let me caution you now…If you ask for three quarters of a pound of something, you may be rebuked by hearing my friend say…

“Could we make it a half-pound or a FULL pound, ya big pansy?  A three quarter pound thing is soooooo bisexual.”

She will take no prisoners and she will have none of your deli shenanigans when you say, “Could you put a quarter ounce of macaroni salad atop my pound of potato salad?”

The answer will always be…

“How about you take a number, and YOUR number is INFINITY!!”

Deli Queen
I am kidding of course, because…My friend Schmoop?

She loves people and I am excited that she is so damn happy to have a job.  I didn’t care if she ever worked again, because…

I would have left her for a woman who did.  I’m shallow like that, but anyhoo…

I am happy.  Schmoop is happy, and IWS Radio is very happy, because deli meat stories from Schmoop are gonna be comedy GOLD!!

And as Jay pointed out to me…

Just think of the buffet tray after the show…Unlimited olive loaf and macaroni salad; hell yeah...here I come!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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4 comments:

Jay said...

I would like about a pound of chicken tenders and a pound of Jo-Jo's please.

Oh and could I sample your potato salad real quick to make sure there isn't too much mayo in it?

Thanks.

Jay

Mike said...

Schmoop can slice my meat anytime. Right after yours.

I'm With Stupid said...

Jay: I'm going to ask to sample every damn item before I buy anything. Cheers Jayman!!

Matt

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: Nothing like sloppy sliced meat seconds, Mike. Cheers!!

Matt