Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Let's Put the Fun Back in Funerals

Holaaaaaaaaa! I know what you’re wondering. You want to know what show I am watching now that I’ve finished with Dexter. Well, I’m glad you asked. I’m just started season three of “Six Feet Under.” It’s a show about a family that owns a funeral home, and yes, it has got me to thinking about my own mortality. However, I do want to make it perfectly clear that while I am not afraid of death, I am personally opposed to it.

I've known a few people who were obsessed with death and dying. In fact, they were more afraid of dying than anything else in the world, and not just because they knew that their families would find that stack of magazines and, you know, “stuff” they keep in a special box in their closets, either. Nor am I talking about those Goth freaks who walk around wearing black and put on makeup that makes them look like death warmed over all the time either. Some of those chicks are actually pretty hot. No, I'm talking about perfectly healthy people who actually sat around and worried about how and when they would die.

That’s pretty crazy, why would anyone worry about THAT? Once you’re gone you won’t be there to be embarrassed. You might as well just let your family and friends have fun with it. Same goes for your browser history. People will need a little comic relief at a time like that anyway. You know? Dying can be pretty funny if you think about it.

You know what else should be funny? Funerals.

When I was in college I had a professor of a team management class ask us to imagine our own funerals. It was a pretty depressing exercise for most of us. We all sat there thinking of a traditional funeral with huge crowds of mourners there bawling their eyes out. Everyone pretty much imagined the same thing. I think only a couple of us said we would do the cremation thing, and the rest of the class was evenly split on whether or not the casket will be open.

I gotta tell ya, since that time I’ve attended a few funeral and my views on how I would do mine have changed dramatically. The first thing was the realization that my funeral will NOT be a major social event. In fact, it would be very lightly attended. Well, IF I have one, that is. I doubt I will though.

Funerals are a huge racket. Why spend that kind of money? Just burn me, put me in a box and pour my ashes out along the cliffs overlooking the Pacific Ocean near Monterey California. That would be pretty nice. Or you could have my ashes blasted off into space. THAT would be pretty cool. I don’t think I would be happy with a burial at sea because I have had nightmares about being eaten by sharks, and that would suck. As for being put in a casket and being buried, I’m a bit claustrophobic and caskets cost more than a decent used SUV.

Instead of a big, fancy or formal funeral I just want everyone to go somewhere and have a few drinks and some laughs. Maybe have a wake at someone’s house and crank up the karaoke machine. Everyone can dedicate a song to my memory. Another good idea would be for people to get up and do a comedy routine. Have some fun with the whole thing. Make it a night no one will ever forget. Oh, and don’t forget the dancing girls either!

Oh hell, who am I kidding? I’m gonna die alone and my body won’t be discovered until my hillbilly neighbor complains to management about the smell coming from my apartment. Then my body will be sent to the state to have medical students practice on.


I'm With Stupid said...

I'm with ya...A cremation and a big party...that's the way to go on to the after-life...or the end of life. Cheers Jayman!!


I'm With Stupid said...

Matt-Man: Cemeteries are a huge waste of land. Ain't nobody coming to visit me anyway. Do my funeral the way I like everything done. Cheap and dirty.


Mike said...

What comedian had the funeral bit about having a tape playing their voice saying things like; Hi, how are you doing?; Nice out today isn't it?; Hey, don't I look like myself?.

Katy Anders said...

I think that the problem is that it is impossible to imagine a scene you're not aware of. So even if you assume you're dead when your Japanese octopus porn is found, you still imagine yourself feeling embarrassed.

Just know that I am not judging you for your Japanese octopus porn. So if you need someone to be your designated post-mortem home destruction team, I might be your guy.

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: I don't know, but being turned into an automaton isn't a bad idea at all.


I'm With Stupid said...

Katy: I will definitely consider you for the job of dismantling my embarrassing collections hidden in my closet and under my bed. In fact, I'll just will it all to you and you can keep it.