Friday, March 21, 2014

Spring Horoscopes 2014

Hi and welcome to the verdant and vernal time of Spring 2014.  Andromeda Neptune
here, and I am the new astrologer to the stars and everyday people as well, for IWS Radio...Shall we begin our vernal celestial journey?  We shall...

Aries March 21-April 19...Your incredibly impressive set of tits will be auctioned off for 23 million dollars, but sadly,  will be returned post haste with a demand of a 10% surcharge for being phony and over fondled.

Taurus April 20-May 20...The 200 year old quill pen that you are so proud of, writes your own death certificate when the 200 year old eagle from which the pen feather was garnered, finds you alone, cooking brats on the grill.

Gemini May 21-June 20...Being the astrological sign of the twins, you shouldn’t be surprised that during the Spring of 2014, you will be doubly fucked.

Cancer June21-July 22...You find out far too late that eating Silly Putty is not a good way to make a cartoonish imprint of your digestive system. (Ed. Note:  Good job appealing to the 50 year old demographic, Matt-Man.)

Leo  July 23-August 22...Teaching Korean kids to tap dance is a worthy endeavor, but holding classes in the mine-laden demilitarized zone leads only to an international incident.

Virgo August 23-September 22...You finally achieve your dream of getting Boxcar Willie’s autograph when you meet him at a Waffle House in Memphis, and he uses his dirty, sweaty finger to sign your greasy napkin.

Libra September 23-October 22...The stars are aligned and are begging you to make a killing in the stock market, but…you ignore them, you stupid motherfucker.

Scorpio October 23-November 21...Ironically, upon retiring after 30 years of working at an artificial Christmas tree factory, you are outraged to discover that God does not exist, and your company’s Social Security payments have never been made.

Sagittarius November 22-December 21...Perhaps if you would quit selling those, “I Died on Malaysia Air Flight MH370 And All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt”, T-Shirts in downtown Kuala Lumpur, people would quit beating the shit out of you.

Capricorn December 22-January 19...March Madness is a NCAA College basketball tournament, not sixteen days full of goose-stepping to the Flight of the Valkyries in hopes of winning Sudetenland.  Calm down you tip-toeing skinhead, you.

Aquarius January 20-Februrary 18...It’s unfortunate that when you go to the bank and try to get change for a hundred, that the hundred dollar bill has written on it, “Give me all of your money or I will kill you.”

Pisces  February 19-March 20...You meet the most beautiful mermaid in the world; she accepts your date, and oddly, you take her to a seafood restaurant.  Really?  Date over.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
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5 comments:

I'm With Stupid said...

You know what? I probably am the kind of guy who would take a mermaid to a seafood restaurant.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Jay: Why do I not find that surprising? Cheers Jayman!!

Matt

Edyta said...

According to my horoscope I am a tip-toeing skinhead. I tip toe every time I come home late. So it must be true. YOU GUYS KNOW ME SO WELL.

I'm With Stupid said...

Edyta: Enjoy the Sudetenland, Hot Stuff. Cheers!!

Matt

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