Thursday, March 20, 2014

Paybacks are Hell and Enemies Lists

Hola y’all! Wooooooooo Pig Soooooooie!!! Arkansas won their first round game in the NCAA Tourna … uh …. Oh yeah. That was an NIT game, wasn’t it? Well, so what! It’s postseason play and the Hogs are not only in it they’re winning!

What’s even more awesome is that Arkansas lit up Indiana State 91-71 and finally got a little payback against those dudes. Way back in the 1979 Midwest Regional Finals, Larry Bird’s Indiana State Sycamores defeated Sidney Moncrief’s Razorbacks 73-71 and went on the Final Four and eventually lost to Magic Johnson and Michigan State in the championship game.

Late in the game against Indiana State, Arkansas point guard Ulysses S. Reed (no really, that’s his name) was basically shoved to the floor by some Sycamore thug and the refs, who were DESPERATE to protect Indiana State’s perfect record and get the Great White Hope Larry Bird to the championship game called Reed for a walk. Then, as the clocked ticked down, some bastard named Bob Heaton shuffled his feet 37 times in the lane without dribbling and tossed up the most limp-wristed hook shot I’ve ever seen that somehow went in and the Sycamore’s won the game.

I was crushed. Devastated! If I ever run into this Bob Heaton fella I’ll probably kick him in the shins. Unless he’d like to come on IWS Radio sometime and talk about the glory days of college basketball before the shot clock and three point shot. If he does that I’ll at least consider taking him off my Mortal Enemies List. Well, I won’t take him OFF the list, but he will move down it.

Oh yeah! Just like Sheldon Cooper on Big Bang Theory I have a Mortal Enemies List. Wanna know who’s on it? Okay … 

1. Bob Heaton
2. Salman Rushdie
3. Mother Teresa (deceased)
4. Old Man Jameson (mean guy who lived behind me when I was a kid) (deceased)
5. Tabby Bundy (girl who was really mean to me in high school)
6. Billy Crystal
7. Ventriloquists
8. Carson Daly
9. The chick who counts down the time before the show on BTR
10. Guy Fieri and most of the hosts on Food Network
11. Holden Caulfield

The list goes on, but the hate really lessens after the top eleven. Please note that being dead does NOT get one removed from my Mortal Enemies List. Also, I stopped at eleven because odd numbers are on lots of other people’s Mortal Enemies Lists.

Damn, this turned into a negative post. I wasn’t really intending to do that. I just wanted to celebrate Arkansas’ victory over those bastards from Terre Haute. Oh well, I can’t control where things go once I get on a roll, right?

Oh here’s something positive! I got my laptop back! Oh heck yes! I called up Mr. Computer Fix-It Dude and was like “Hey, I was just wondering if my laptop is about ready or will you be keeping it for a FORTH WEEK?” Needless to say they could tell that I had run out of patience and they just weren’t willing to push me any further. Also, it was just about ready and they told me I could pick it up after 4 pm and they were sorry it took so long. Yup, once again, I got results without having to get loud or pushy. Let that be lesson to you kids.

Oh and Bob Heaton … I didn’t have to cheat either.


I'm With Stupid said...

While I certainly loathe ventriloquists, I hate that Tabby chick you mentioned. Anyone named Tabby deserves to be hated. Cheers Jayman!!


Fortune Cookie said...

I concur with most of your list, but WTF do you have against Holden Caulfield?

I'm With Stupid said...

Matt-Man: Oh man! Tabby was a nasty little bitch. You would have probably been her BFF though. hahaha


I'm With Stupid said...

Fortune Cookie: Holden was such a spoiled, selfish crybaby who was incredibly judgmental. He held everyone to super high standards that he never demanded of himself.


jAMiE said...

I gotta ask.......why Mother Theresa?

I'm With Stupid said...

Jamie: Mother Teresa is History's Greatest Monster.