Friday, January 24, 2014

Sore Throats and Satire Do Not Mix

Cheeeeeeeeers and a Happy Thursday to you all, and you damn well better be happy. because for the next few days I shall be living vicariously through you!!

I have a sore throat.  A sore throat from Hell, and I mean it is literally a sore throat from Hell, because I hear that the Devil has Menorah-like hemorrhoids that burn for days upon end, and well…

I evidently have Satan’s, blood red ass cherries firmly lodged in my throat as they turn my uvula into what looks like a tiny, yet swollen red incandescent light bulb, and leaves my trachea feeling like the 4-Methylcyclohexane Methanol laced Kanawha River in West By God Virginia

Yep, that’s the state of my throat, and as many of us know, sore throats are among the most annoying non-life threatening afflictions with which we deal, because…

Sore throats while they last, are constant.  Sore throats are omnipresent.  An active sore throats mock us, because unlike having the flu when one just lies down and sleeps it away, the sore throat allows one to remain active.

I may be a bit tired, but I am still awake enough and able enough to go to work, and yet?  My throat is fucking killing me!!

And you know what I have discovered during this inflamed throat episode?

I never realized how often I swallow during the day, when not eating nor drinking.  Holy Cow, the average person evidently does a swallow reflex out of habit 10,000 times a day.  And?

And with each swallow, laugh, and/or cough, I cry…just a little…both inside and out.

And let me tell you.  It has affected my skills as a world-class satirist.  Oh Yeah.

See, because of the annoying and constant pain, I cannot focus on the humor at hand that our good God has given us the last couple of days, and let me tell ya…

There’s a Noah’s Ark full of funny out there that transpired just in the past 48 hours.

Justin Bieber for instance…He tried to pull a Richard Marx and act like a total 5’7” badass by driving drunk in a rented Lamborghini and got arrested for DUI and resisting arrest.  Resisting arrest?

How many resisting arrest jokes are there to be made involving Justin Bieber?  Thousands!!  And I cannot concentrate enough due to my sore throat in order to put them to pen.

How does a 5’7” Pixie-Stix of a Canadian resist a burly Miami police officer?  By threatening to sing to him? See?  While probably true, it’s not very funny.  Thanks, Mr. Sore Throat.

And then late yesterday, former Gov. Mike Huckabee told the audience at the RNC Winter Meeting that women have been led to believe (by Democrats) that they need an Uncle Sugar and free birth control pills because woman cannot control their own libido.

The fact of the matter is that The Huckster doesn’t want women to have any birth control because GAWD wants them barefoot and pregnant, because well, that’s God’s plan.  Just ask the incestuous daughters of Lot and their alcoholic father!!

See?  This Huckabee crap is primetime joke-ready funny, and what do I have? Not a damn thing, because I am distracted by Satan’s Hemorrhoids inside my throat.

You would think that if Satan put his ass berries in my throat he would give me something funny to say about God’s Chosen One, Mike Huckabee, but no…Satan wants to merely torture me like the next guy.

However, I can get this out before I gargle once again with salt water and Wild Irish Rose…

Governor Huckabee, if your daughter Sarah was dating Justin Bieber, wouldn’t you want her on the strongest form of birth control that your Tea Party, Christian Coalition, and Super Pac money could buy?

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
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6 comments:

Mike said...

Huckabee's comment was just unbelievable. All the repubs are trying to out stupid each other right now.

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: Yes they are and I love the material that they provide. Cheers Mike!!

Matt

I'm With Stupid said...

Every single woman I've ever met has had no problem controlling her libido around me.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Jay: Oh c'mon man...I bet you have gotten 200 marriage proposals since yesterday. Cheers Jayman!!

Matt

Katy Anders said...

Hmmm... What are you taking for your throat and are you operating heavy machinery while you write these jokes?

I'm With Stupid said...

Katy: Ha...Just lozenges and no, I avoid heavy machinery at all costs. Cheers Katy!!

Matt