Interpreting Pope Francis

Hola all ye faithful! Pope Francis was named Time’s Person of the Year this week and deservedly so! What a great first year this guy has had huh? I bet Barack Obama is insanely jealous. I’m still a little skeptical even though I do admit that compared to Pope Bennie and the Jets, Pope Yo Frank-EEEEEEEEEE! has been a real breath of fresh air. Then again, just about anyone is going to look good next to that Nazi!  

One of the things I like about the Popesterino is that he has said a lot of things that have pissed off a lot of people that I enjoy seeing pissed off. He’s got Rush Limbaugh calling him a Marxist and Bill O’Reilly longing for the days of John Paul II whom he called “insane.” For that alone he deserves consideration for “Person of the Year.” But, what was he REALLY saying when he made these comments? Let me interpret them for you.

“Be shepherds with the smell of your sheep, in the midst of your people like Jesus the Good Shepherd.”

I’m guessing that he’s telling people to keep their sheep heard downwind from their neighbors. Sheep are pretty stinky and you don’t want to sit down at the dinner table and have it ruined by smelling that stank! He also might be telling people “Hey! You CHOSE to be a shepherd so no bitching about the smell buddy.”

“If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?”

This one made a lot of liberals really happy and Sarah Palin cry, but the media didn’t report the second part of that quote. Turns out the Pope answered his own question. “I’ll tell you who I am to judge, I’M THE POPE BITCHES! I can judge anyone anytime I want and you can’t do a damn thing about it. Judge Judy can’t do that. Judge Wapner can’t either. Only I can. Why? Because I’m in-freaking-fallible, that’s why!”

“What is it that I expect as consequence of World Youth Day? I want a mess. We knew that in Rio there would be disorder, but I want trouble in the diocese.”

Dude, I really don’t think anyone in the church should be talking about “youths” “messes” and “the diocese.”  That’s what caused the Catholic Church so much trouble over the last decade or so. Probably a good idea to just ignore that stuff and move on.

“A church without women would be like the apostolic college without Mary. The Madonna is more important than the apostles, and the church herself is feminine, the spouse of Christ and a mother.”

So all you uppity bitches just STFU about this equality crap and wanting women to be priests, aight? Sheesh! What more do you people want from me? Get back into the kitchen and make your man a sandwich and then you two go make a bunch of little Catholics. Do your damn job!

“There’s a lot of talk about the Gay Lobby, but I’ve never seen it on the Vatican ID card.”

Hey-OOOOOOOOOOO!

“We must meet one another doing good. ‘But, I don’t believe Father, I am an Atheist.’ But do good: we will meet one another there.”

Where will you meet? Through a glory hole? A dark alley where your boys might grab the Atheist and throw him in a van and haul him off to a reeducation camp? I hope so cause that would be some bad ass ninja shit for the Pope to be doing.

“St. Peter committed one of the greatest sins, denying Christ and yet they made him Pope. Think about that.”

Uhhhh …. I really have no freaking idea what he’s talking about here. I guess he’s just throwing shade at one of his predecessors.  

I hope we all understand Pope Francis just a little better now. It’s important to not just listen to his words, but to really analyze them and figure out what they mean. Also, congrats on your big award Pope Francis. I’m sure you’ll make a big deal about not accepting it and be all head down and humble about it and shit.

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